ENTRY NUMBER 12:
* Determination.
* The will to survive in the face of certain death.
* It makes human SOULs powerful, but monsters cannot tolerate it for long.
* I'm not powerful.
* I'm not a good queen.
* But maybe my determination will be enough...
The bottom of the washbasin was coated in gray sludge, making Alphys' hands itch where the soggy dust accumulated between her fingers.
She gave the filter pad one last rinse before squeezing it out, clear water falling in blobs that left little clean spots where they fell. Then she set the pad aside, rinsed off her hands, and twisted the faucet.
Behind her back, the creature in the tank watched. Its gaze followed her each time she shifted in place, tracking her movement from the sink to the tank's side to the ladder beside the tank. The ladder creaked as she climbed up, and the ceiling lights buzzed and clicked, evidence of faulty wiring that she was never, ever going to bother fixing. There was no other sound.
"Do you want me to not do this? B-because you might change your mind about that in about t-two days," Alphys said as she snapped the filter's casing shut again, foam pad firmly wedged back into place. The question came out sounding wrong to her and she giggled to cover it up, then felt even more awkward and stopped.
The monster in the tank showed precisely zero interest in whatever she was saying, turning to face the wall as she climbed back down. It was hugging itself, hunched over as if to avoid notice, a posture more reminiscent of the lone aquatic Amalgamate rather than the monster this was supposed to be. She tried not to think about what that meant, if anything.
Alphys dried off her hands and unrolled the sleeves of her robe, retrieving a pen from the mug on the counter so she could mark off the day's date. She scratched out a check mark, looked back over the chart to make sure everything was in order, the clicked the pen and dropped it back into the empty mug where it had been sitting. And then there was nothing else for her to do here, no reason to hang around. There were quite a few reasons for her not to linger, in fact, as the calendar function on her phone would all too readily remind her. But it was hard to see any of those things as important.
After all, the rest of the Underground would still be there when she came back. It would always be there.
Alphys circled the tank and knelt, positioning herself as close to the other monster's line of sight as possible without literally jumping in. With the haze of dust fading from around her patient's body, she could see where the pinpoint of light from its eye reflected against the glass. She rested one hand against the tank's side and waited, resisting the temptation to knock on it just for a reaction. Best not to be any more annoying than she had to be. Between the tank and the injections that were obviously painful but nonetheless necessary to keep the monster alive, it... well, it already had reason not to like her very much.
No response.
She let her hand slide down to rest on her lap.
"Um. I'll be back in a few hours, okay?"
When enough time passed to indicate that she wasn't going to get an answer, and wouldn't have gotten one even if her friend could hear her, Alphys left.
Theoretically, she could've hooked up a SOUL monitor to the tank alongside the filter and temperature gauge and salinity meter, like the kind they had in hospitals. It wasn't like she resented having to check in on her friend throughout the day, much the opposite, but it might have given her some peace of mind when she needed to be elsewhere. Only she'd tried setting one up weeks ago, when it still seemed like everything would turn out okay, and it hadn't worked. The machine always freaked out back when she'd tried using it on the Amalgamates, and this time it hadn't responded to her patient at all, even with the sensitivity cranked up as high as it would go. Which was an inconvenience, and possibly a little dangerous, but still made Alphys smile a little.
Of course Undyne would find some completely new way of accidentally breaking something. Of course.
Alphys departed the lab and headed for the nearest elevator at an awkward half-jog, having no need to put up any pretense of normalcy while totally alone. Hotland had suffered the greatest numerical loss of population when the human came, which had the small not-quite-benefit of minimizing the chance of any locals wondering why she was spending so much time in her old lab. And there wasn't a royal scientist around to wonder either, because she hadn't appointed one—a decision based less on a predicted need for secrecy, and more on the fact that she saw no reason to bother.
The joys of being in charge. And all it took was the near-destruction of a whole civilization, the murder of nearly everyone she loved, and the casual obliteration of monsterkind's hopes and dreams. Hooray.
She slowed to a walk after exiting the elevator, giving her time to register the presence of a small visitor on the doorstep of New Home. It was a moth-monster, maybe a third the size of Alphys herself, rolling a round metal knight's helmet between their hands. As she came closer, they slipped the helmet on and buzzed over to meet her, filling Alphys with mild dread. She wasn't a borderline-clairvoyant like Sans, but experience (plus her old friend named "anxiety", who the human had wounded but not quite killed) told her that this would not be a fun conversation. People generally didn't hang around outside of your house so they could tell you how happy they were with life.
She smiled pleasantly and clasped her hands behind her back, where they couldn't see her digging the claws of one hand into her wrist. "Hello there! Ahh, how are you?"
The moth hovered like a little toy dangling from a string, translucent wings blurring to keep them in place. "Greetings. Your majesty, I need to speak with you."
Her smile remained bolted in place. "Okay, though um, firstly! You really don't need to call me that, 'Alphys' is fine. And um, of course we can, but if it isn't REALLY urgent then maybe you can—"
"My sibling Fell Down."
"...Oh."
Alphys' heart sank, but she quickly reshuffled her schedule in her head. Anyone who wanted to talk to her was supposed to at least call ahead, but sometimes they didn't and sometimes it was because of this. Those sometimes-es were getting more more frequent, though, and that wasn't just her anxiety talking. She'd calculated.
Well, it looked like those issues with broken puzzles in the Core would need to wait a bit longer.
"Um, how about you wait for me at the table?" she said, sidling around the small monster to open the front door. "I just need a minute, and then we can talk."
She pulled the door shut after politely shooing her guest in, and grimaced. Her social skills had improved since her coronation, phone calls included, but in the same way that tossing somebody into a lake made them a better swimmer. She could still feel the claw-marks on her wrist.
With no further ado, she switched her phone back on and dialed.
The moth monster had perched on the back of a chair, but fluttered over to pull another out for Alphys as she followed it into the house. It was an unexpectedly polite gesture that accomplished literally nothing, since all the furniture was made for boss monsters and weighed exactly as much as one would anticipate. Redecorating had been pretty low on the list of priorities when she'd first moved in, and now it just felt wrong to change anything about what had been Asgore's home.
She waved her visitor aside before they hurt themselves, feeling weirdly inadequate. Instead of just the normal kind of inadequate.
"Do you want anything to drink? I have soda, or I could make some tea."
"No thank you," they said as they settled back down, smoothing out the hem of their poofy dress with both hands. Lacking either boss monster-sized legs or cutesy little fairy wings, Alphys clambered into her seat with considerably less poise.
"So, you, um..." Alphys began, squirming around to get herself situated. It was hard to look dignified or serious with her feet dangling about a yard off the floor, but she did her best. Historically, her best was never very good, but no matter. "You said that your sibling fell. I'm sorry. How long ago did this happen?"
Their head was downturned, but their helmet still covered any further expression. Alphys wondered if it was too late to ask them to take that thing off, before concluding that the answer was a probable yes. "It was this morning." Their tiny fingers dug into the fabric of their skirt, black gloves starkly visible against white. Alphys had to lean in to hear properly. "You may not remember either of us, but our elder sibling Fell Down as well. You revived them."
"Oh! Th-that would be Reaper Bird, right?" Alphys asked, the question coming out way too chirpy given the topic. Though she wasn't going to admit it, the monster was right about one thing: she had absolutely no idea who they were, much less the sibling who wasn't Reaper Bird. She'd most likely seen them both during the evacuation, if only in passing, but names and faces had been the last thing on her mind...
The moth monster nodded, talking faster, as if they'd rehearsed their little speech beforehand. It was a weird thought—and a little gratifying, if she was really being honest, but mostly just weird.
"I mention that because... I want you to help my younger sibling as well. I know what you can do, and what it will mean. I know that Lace won't be the same. But they will be alive, and, and that is the only thing that matters. I don't know what I could do for you in return, but..."
...But they would do anything to get what they thought they wanted.
Alphys nodded, adjusting her glasses as an excuse to avoid eye contact in the moment it took to adopt what she hoped was an expression of purehearted sympathy. It would be so easy to explain to this monster how little they understood what they were asking for, and maybe she was brave enough now to actually tell them, but she wasn't lying for her own sake. Not this time.
"I'm sorry about what happened to your sibling," Alphys said carefully, lacing her fingers together as they rested against the table. "And I'd really like to help! But, ahh, you see... in the experiment that reawakened your older sibling... the one that became part of Reaper Bird... I used a substance that came from the human SOULs. Now that they're all gone, I can't get any more."
The moth monster took this in, and for a brief moment, she thought that maybe they'd just accept the explanation and go no farther. Some monsters did. "And it's... all gone."
"Y-yep."
For the second time that day, Alphys felt as though someone was trying to look right through her. She regretted not asking the moth to take off that stupid helmet so at least they'd be on even ground. "If another human fell into the Underground, then things might be different," she added, just to say something more. "But otherwise, I can't help you."
"But you were the royal scientist. There could be something else—you might have had other ideas, ones that you never tried. If something went wrong, no one could hold it against you. I only ask that you try."
"That isn't really how it... works," Alphys said, inwardly cringing at how uncertain she sounded. She was supposed to be the one in charge here, and technically the Determination experiments were all common knowledge now, anyway. "The purpose was never to— I, I mean, I'm glad that Reaper Bird and everybody is okay, that's a good thing! But reawakening monsters was n-never the goal of my work. Um. Remember? Since you guys kind of... all agreed to... let me do stuff and then... g-g-give you b-back the dust, afterward..."
Alphys trailed off, and wondered if Sans might magically show up and rescue her if she screamed loud enough inside her head. Actual telepathy existed only in anime, and even if it didn't then Sans would still be unlikely to offer help here, but a lizard-girl could dream.
"Um. If you want someone to help take care of your sibling, or something like that, I could help arrange that?" Alphys said. "But otherwise, there's not really anything I can do."
"'Not really?'" the moth monster repeated. Their voice sounded funny, and not only because it was slightly muffled.
"I mean, there isn't... I c-can't. And it wouldn't be ethical anyway, j-just trying to do something that I know won't help..."
They nodded, after what felt like a very long time. "I see."
The moth monster—whose name she still couldn't remember— stood up, still balanced on the back of their chair, and hopped backwards. They hovered in place behind it, shiny little wings humming. "I apologize for bothering you, your highness. I won't need any help, then."
The cold in that teeny little bug voice might have gotten to Alphys, except that its owner immediately proceeded to struggle with the window-latch while trying to leave, forcing Alphys to go over help get it open. In fairness, it was big and heavy just like everything else in the house.
Which didn't stop Alphys from bursting into hysterical giggles as soon as they were out of sight, pressing her hand over her mouth in the off-chance that Sans was hiding out in the kitchen or napping or something, and close enough to overhear her.
If somebody told Alphys a year ago that people would not only crown her as their queen after seeing what she'd done to their loved ones, but begher to do it all over again, she... well firstly, she would've panicked, but she also wouldn't have believed a word. And now here they all were. She couldn't even plead ignorance this time.
The moment passed, and her hand slid down from her mouth to the thin cord around her neck, tracing it down the hard tube-shape pressed between her robe and the scales on her upper chest. The glass felt warm, even through the thick fabric. It always did. Carrying her full supply of Determination around like this would be neither sane nor practical, but she'd kept one vial on her person ever since she'd nearly lost Undyne for a second time. It served well as both a safety precaution and a reminder.
Priorities.
Alphys felt around in her pocket once more, retrieving her phone to quickly type out a note to herself: whimsun (Lace), s=?, g=they/them, age= YA or less?, fallen=TODAY.
Later, before returning to the lab for the night, she would have to fill the gaps in her info and then copy it over to the spreadsheet she'd been keeping. (The morbid fact that there were enough monsters Falling in a short enough span for her to notice despite her own distractions, but few enough for her to track the number more or less by hand, was not lost on her.) And she would need to follow up with the monster who'd just left, whose name she'd stupidly forgotten to even ask. She couldn't afford to do what they'd asked of her, but it was only right to try and make sure they were relatively okay. She owed them that much, at least.
After the yellow monster went away, the creature in the tank floated on its back at the surface of the water, within reach of the metal grating separating the inside of the tank from the rest of the room.
Its eye was open. The silhouette of the grating cut through the dim green glow shining down from the ceiling. The weak light reflected off the water and flickered along the wall, at the very bottom edge of its field of vision. There were other things in the room, visible through the glass walls if turned its head, but they were too blurry and indistinct to make out at this distance.
It saw all these things, took them in, drifted.
There was the constant gurgle of water lapping against its ears, a low humming noise, and a faint whining from overhead that was just off-key enough to be irritating. The water felt like nothing at all, but being half-exposed to the air left the creature's body feeling heavy, under a constant pressure, the way it might feel while diving down too far. The tank was not very big, and it had no clear memories of being anywhere else, but it did not wonder about this.
It heard, and felt, but didn't wonder about much of anything.
Time passed. There was no way to measure this time and no reason to care, with nothing to do in the present or look forward to in the future. The yellow monster might appear again, or maybe the little flower, and they would say or do things, but then they would leave again and there would be nothing left but water and dim light. The creature simply existed.
And existed.
And went on existing.
The sensation of weight slowly increased, as if the air itself was pressing down against its chest, tightening around its throat like a hand. It choked and coughed, doubling over and slipping deeper down into the water, sinking. Reflexively it tried to breathe in again and succeeded only in filling its lung with gritty-tasting water, which made it try to cough even more, which did nothing.
The urge to keep coughing eventually subsided, as did the feeling of pressure now that it was back underwater. Its chest still felt tight, which might have been related to the funny bubbling feeling inside there. It wasn't really painful, just unfamiliar. And then time passed, an amount of time for which the creature did not have any word to describe, and then the feeling was no longer unfamiliar. Just... there.
It allowed itself to sink further, coming to rest against the hard smooth floor of the tank where bits of gray dust had settled. There was even less to see or hear than at the surface, with the water distorting all sound and blocking out much of what little light had been visible. It twisted its head to try and see out through the glass, then lost interest and slumped. Its gills quietly fluttered away.
Maybe it was the bubbling-tickling feeling inside of its chest, or the near-complete sensory deprivation in the floor of the tank, but the creature had a dim sense, however briefly, that something wasn't right. That it should have been somewhere else, doing something else, should have been different somehow. But it didn't have the words to take that thought any further or develop it into anything beyond a feeling. A question, maybe. Even if it did, there was no one around to ask.
And so the moment passed.
By the time Alphys returned, later that night, her creation remembered nothing.