I felt like crying. Why did something I want so badly, have to have so many negative results? I loved him. My beautiful Edward. I wanted to spend an eternity with him, but was it worth it? Could he really be worth throwing away all of the other people in my life. Part of my really, desperately wanted to marry him. And another part wished it had been Jacob I fell in love with. Things could have been so much simpler.
Wasn't this what I wanted? To be a vampire? I wasn't sure anymore. I thought of all of the pros to turning. First of all, once I died, Edward would end up searching for ways to die. He could probably get a werewolf to do it for him. The thought of Edward dying nauseated me. Other pros were that I would be immortal. Isn't that what everyone dreams of at some point? And I would no longer be the klutz that needed to be saved once a week. I would have a new, paler family than before.
The cons were almost as convincing. My family would no longer be able to see me, and would be told some lie of my tragic death. I would no longer have my heartbeat. The soothing rhythm would be gone. Immortality was frightening. I would never fit into the world I had known. I would become pale, unable to be in the sunlight without shimmering, and I would drink blood. Blood. I was so thankful I had fallen in love with a nice, not man-eating vampire.
Really, I wished I could live in both worlds. I wished it was possible for my special ability as a vampire would be to be able to appear human to humans, and a vampire to the other bloodsuckers. (Oh, I guess that isn't a very nice word. Is there vampire-racism? I should really ask Edward.)
Edward. That was the hardest part. He didn't even want to turn me. I felt rejected. How could I give my family, my life, even my heartbeat, for someone that didn't want me to?