-Disclaimer: Besides this story, I own nothing. I do not own Nikita or it's amazing characters ( because if I did, there would be a lot more Salex scenes. Hot Salex scenes). They belong to the CW and the writers. No copyright infringement intended. Any similarity to events or persons living or dead is purely coincidental.
-Rating: K, for this is a random story. It's really random and it doesn't make much sense. But I figured, since I took the time to write it, I might as well share with you. Oh well.
-A/N: Please comment, I value feed back very much. Critiques are always welcome too, but in that case please be gentle.
-A/N(2): I'm still a firm believer that the world does needs more Salex.
Sean stood on the porch gazing out at the dusk falling upon the beach. He felt the cold wind lashing his face but he never moved from his position. He was feeling numb, he couldn't for the life of him wrap his mind around the fact his mother was actually dead. It felt surreal, like if it was just a dream that he'd wake up from.
The image was burned in the back of his mind, a vision he'd never forget. Right in from of his eyes, only a few feet away from him, and he was powerless to stop it. And now she was dead.
His phone buzzed and Sean felt his throat tighten as he couldn't bring himself to answer it. He swallowed back a few tears as he pressed the off button.
From the kitchen Alex watched him, feeling her heart ache every time he'd angrily rub the tears off his eyes.
-Eat – Birkhoff demanded pushing a bowl of vegetable broth in Alex's direction.
But Alex didn't move an inch nor listened to her friend's request; her eyes were fixed on the Navy Seal standing alone on the porch. Her current state of worry got even more aggravated as she watched him decide whether to answer his phone or throw it out of the porch and into the beach sand.
-Hey- the computer genius snapped his fingers in front of her eyes – Eat first. Worry about the seal later, okay? - He instructed her - Or Nikki will be very angry you don't wanna eat your veggies.
Alex stirred her soup but never actually tasted it; her attention was back at Sean and she didn't even noticed Birkhoff leaving the room.
-Nerd is right- the voice of her former trainer caught her attention. Nikita gave her a comforting smile – You should eat. There's nothing you can do for him right now – Nikita looked at Sean that now had his face down on his hands.
-What are you even doing up? - Alex chastised her – You should be resting.
Nikita rolled her eyes.
-Please, I'm fine – she assured – Plus I wanted to check up on you. You hadn't had the best day either.
It was Alex's turn to roll her eyes.
-Gosh, Nikita you're so annoying! - The girl complained in false irritation - you're the one who's been through torture and you're worried about me?
The older woman smiled.
- I always worry about you-
Alex smiled in return, grateful.
- You don't need to worry about me. I'm fine. You should focus on healing. And on Michael.
Nikita laughed
- While I appreciate your concern, I'm healing just fine. And Michael and I are in the best place we ever been - She added with a contented smile.
- I'm really glad for you guys. - Alex said squeezing Nikita's hand- you deserve it. At least someone is happy.
Nikita squeezed her hand
- How are you, really? And stop deflecting the question.
Alex sighed and looked at Sean once more, releasing a shaky breath.
- You're worried about him - Nikita stated the obvious
- Aren't you? You saw how shaken up he was. I'm afraid he might do something stupid.
- I am concerned about him - she agreed - But not in the same way you are, right?
- What do you mean? - Alex asked, but averted Nikita's eyes. She knew exactly what Nikita meant.
Nikita, seeing the girl's evident denial, decided to play along.
- I mean… I saw how terrified you were when the car blew up. When he wouldn't answer your call. The way you breathed his name in relief when he finally did.
- I don't know what you're talking about - she moved a few inches away from Nikita, who arched an eyebrow - It doesn't mean anything! - She insisted.
- You know it does, Alex. And it's okay -
-No - she denied in vain.
But she knew Nikita knew her well enough to see right through her. Alex sighed and looked away.
- You like him, don't you? – Nikita asked. She already knew the answer, but she wanted the girl to admit it out loud .
-Nikita…- Alex pleaded, but the older woman wouldn't listen.
-Alex – Nikita tilted her chin up so Alex would look at her- You're falling for him, aren't you? – she asked gently, holding her gaze.
Alex flushed pink, her cheeks burning. Nikita could swear she'd seen a few unshed tears on Alex's eyes.
- You must think I'm really stupid- the girl sighed heavily. She took a deep breath to prevent tears from surface.
-No...Alex, of course no. Look, I understand. Its time and proximity, and it's been almost a year since you guys started working together…these feelings are bound to happen. Believe me, I should know.
- I don't even know why I'm feeling this way- Alex admitted, distressed- I don't know where all these feelings came from...they just suddenly hit me and...and I can't help it. I can't pretend it's not there, but I can't tell him either, because… -
She was starting to ramble, so Nikita cut her off.
-You don't need to explain yourself. It's okay, Alex – Nikita assured, brushing a few strands of the girl's hair off her face.
- I feel just as pathetic as a schoolgirl right now – she said feeling silly.
Nikita chuckled.
- I'm glad I amuse you - Alex complained seeing her sensei's smile – Why are you smiling?
-Because this is rather cute – Nikita said boldly
- This is not cute, Nikita. This is bad - she wiped at a tear she almost didn't realized had formed on her eye.
- It's not bad, Alex. It's okay to feel - Nikita squeezed her hand again for emphasis - it's okay to feel.
Alex swallowed and looked at Sean still on the porch. He was shaking with cold but did not made any motion to move anytime soon. She could see the light on his cellphone indicating he was receiving a new call. But he ignored it.
She looked back at Nikita.
-Right now I only feel useless. I know all the pain he's going through and there's nothing I can do...because whatever it is I do, I just know it's not going to be enough. And I don't want to see him suffering.
- I know you don't...but he will be okay. It might take a while, yes. But he will. And in the meanwhile, the only thing you can do is just be there - Nikita pushed the bowl of almost cold soup near her - I'm sure he'll appreciate it - Nikita kissed Alex's hair and motioned with her head towards the shaky Navy Seal before leaving Alex to her thoughts.
Alex recomposed herself and made sure her eyes were less puffy before approaching the porch. She slowly slide the door open, careful not to startle him. The cold wind blew her hair up and she hugged herself as a reflex.
-Sean – she tried to call him, but her voice was only a whisper – Sean – she called him again, a little louder than before, but still very gentle.
He finally turned around and looked at her, and Alex felt her chest tighten at the sight of his red and still slightly wet eyes.
The stoic bravado he'd put on for the funeral was gone after they'd gone down to Madeline's grave. It seemed to Alex that only now he'd realized his mother was really gone. And that realization had sent him into a spiral of thoughts and feelings and pain.
He hadn't spoken to her since earlier when they got back from the graveyard. He hadn't spoken to practically anyone, except for Nikita; to whom he apologized for the outburst of the previous day.
And Alex just didn't know what to do to help him.
-Come inside – she said, her voice more shaky than she'd like – you're going to freeze out there.
It was the best she could think of, and he just nodded.
-In a minute – he whispered to her.
Alex decided not to pressure him, so she got back inside and went to the kitchen to put the cold bowl of soup to heat on the microwave.
She was just watching the microwave's display make its countdown when she heard him come in.
Sean sat on the couch in silence and gazed at her with an expression Alex's couldn't quite decipher. She sighed and headed to the couch, holding the hot bowl of soup.
-Here – she handed it to him - You must be freezing, it will help.
-I'm not hungry- he said with a sigh.
Alex sat next to him and they remained silent for a while. Then she just had spoonful of soup, suddenly grateful for the heat down her throat helping her swallow the anguish of seeing him so heartbroken.
Sean watched her repeat the action several more times, and when she realized his intent gaze on her, she got another spoonful and held it up to him.
Sean looked between her and the spoon, uncertain.
-It's okay – she encouraged him.
Sean gently took the spoon from her and took it to his lips, getting a small smile of approval from Alex.
She left to the kitchen and he believed it is to get herself more soup, but she only returns with another spoon, and silently they share the rest of the dish.
Alex looked up at Sean and found him staring intently at her.
-What? - She asked, feeling rather coy under his amused gaze.
A ghost of a smile crossed his features briefly
-You have…uhh…- he wiped the corner of her mouth.
-Ohh – she blushed – thanks.
-Do you know how pretty you look when you blush? – He asked, his eyes fixed on hers.
Alex opened her mouth to answer him, but the buzz of his cellphone took away his attention. He looked at the device on the coffee table like if it was contagious.
-You're not going to answer that? - She asked, trying not to sound nosy.
-I can't – he whispered, his face contorting into pain – It's my sister Jill.
-That's one more reason to answer her.
He looked at her, his features suddenly darker.
-And tell her what, Alex? – He spat – That our mother was murdered because she was part of a clandestine group that founded a rogue secret agency of the government? I can't.
Alex swallowed back her tears.
-Just stick to the story she knows. It was a terrorist attack – she tried.
-You don't get it – he shook his head – I can't lie to her anymore.
Alex sighed and reached for his hand.
He looked up at her sudden action, but didn't reject her touch like she thought he'd do. He just squeezed her hand and stared deeply into her eyes.
It was starting to scare her that he'd been doing that a lot, staring into her eyes in that hypnotic way. The only reassuring thing was, she liked to look into the chocolate of his eyes.
-You want me to take that for you? – She forced her eyes away from his to look at the phone.
-Yeah, I do -
Alex let go of his hand and his face fell, missing the soft touch of her hands. He liked when she intertwined her fingers with his, the warmth of her hands, and the silky feel of her skin.
He couldn't quite tell how long he dwelled on the thoughts of Alex, but when he realized she was back at his side.
-I told her you were busy dealing with paper work and stuff – she handed him his phone back – she asked you to call her when you get the chance.
He sighed again.
-You can't ignore her forever, you know -
-I know – he agreed – It's just… Jill just had a baby a month ago. She and her husband moved into a new house last week. We were planning to visit them next month, when they had settled into their new home and my other sister was back in town – he looked down at his hands – My mother was so excited to meet the new baby. It was her first grandchild – he looked up at Alex, his eyes filled with tears – now she'll never have the chance.
The way his voice broke in the end of the sentence and the tears that now streamed down his face made Alex panic.
She had never seen him cry before, and his current state of vulnerability was so overwhelming she felt tears running down her cheeks as well.
-I really am sorry, Sean – she whispered, her voice thick with tears.
-Thanks – he said, desperately trying to get rid of his tears. When he saw the ones on her eyes, he sighed – Don't cry, Alex. Please.
-I'm sorry – she apologized again. Out of instinct she reached for his hand, taking his large, calloused hand on her small, delicate one. It seemed to soothe them both, as she traced patterns on the back of his hand.
Absentmindedly, he drew her closer to him, liking the contact of her warm body against his, the sweet scent of her skin, and the way her hand was still clutched to his.
When the both became aware of it, they were already lying ridiculously close together, covered with a blanket Alex had pulled out from the back cushion of the couch.
The closeness between them was so relaxing, it felt so right that neither of them made a move to leave their current position.
When Sean snapped into his senses a few moments later, Alex was already asleep on his chest, and he didn't have the courage nor the will to wake her up.
He delicately rolled her off his chest, and settled her comfortably on the side opposite from his. However, he decided to sleep on the couch anyways. Deep down, he didn't want to leave her.
Her presence was the only thing keeping him sane after the events of the day. Alex seemed to be the only beacon of light on the darkness that had sat upon his life, and he didn't have the intention to let her go.
He knew he was trained to be emotionally detached, but he was only human and there was no way he could resist the charms of Alexandra Udinov.
He kissed her forehead before settling on the other side of the couch.
When Nikita came down the stairs in the morning, she was surprised to find Alex and Sean asleep on the couch.
Sean had his arm around her waist and Alex was sleeping on his chest, her face nuzzling the curve of his neck. Their hands intertwined as if it was the most natural thing in the world.
Nikita smiled to herself as Birkhoff came down the stairs and crumpled his nose at the duo.
-Ew, couples! – The young nerd complained, a little too loudly, startling the pair awake.
-A/N(2): Yep, this is really bad written, I know. Sorry about that. It's just a senseless story that haunted me until I wrote it down. I know, it sucks. And it really bothers me how much I used the words "spoon" and "soup"