Okay, I just wrote this because I had A WAY too many feels about the season five finale. But I also wanted to show the confusion Arya could feel since she - and we all - has no clue where and who Harrenhal-Jaqen actually is. (I read the books but the way the show is mixing this leaves me confused as hell... Can't they just give us a sign!?)
I haven't thought when exactly this takes place. But perhaps in the future when Arya is already able to see again.
English is not my mother tongue. So I'm sorry for possible mistakes. xD
She missed him.
Just seeing someone – no one – wearing his face wasn't enough. It felt wrong to see him, as long as she wasn't able to feel him. Perhaps it wasn't even the face. She just wanted the same no one she remembered from Harrenhal. At least it didn't seem like this certain person was here.
Deep inside, she knew that the Jaqen she met in the House of Black and White wasn't the same one. Seven hells, he even told her before she took the first step inside the building! And not even the Waif wearing his face could convince her that it was him.
Back then, at some point she managed it to believe that the real Jaqen was here. When no one took the poison, she could sense a fear inside her which she hadn't experienced since the Red Wedding. She was in such a trance when she walked over to his dead body. Well, running was a better term.
And suddenly there were tears in her eyes. Again. But unlike the moment she had to hide Needle, this time… she couldn't stop crying. The mere thought of losing him now broke her completely.
No! You don't die! Don't die! was everything she could say while silently praying to all the Gods she ever heard of to let her keep him. To see him dying was more than she could take.
She just needed him. Her Jaqen.
Was it because he – the man she met on her way to the Watch – was the one who actually understood this darkness inside her? Her thirst for vengeance, the desire having her enemies' blood on her hands never disturbed him. He even offered her to come with him when he was about to leave. Now she was here… and he was gone.
Was it all a lie?
It's not the first time she thought about that. Maybe her wish for revenge never played a role and he just wanted to bring a new novice to the guild. By all the Gods, she couldn't tell. But was it that much to ask that perhaps – just perhaps – he simply cared?
Yes… it was. After everything she saw, she should be aware how cruel this world can be. Ironically the thought of him was one of the main reasons she didn't lost her will to fight. Nevertheless, she should get used to reality. It was a dream. Such a beautiful dream. And now she awoke from it.
Where are you?
The others wouldn't give her any information. And since she never received any kind of a sign, she had no idea where he was. Normally she would pretend that she didn't need anyone. But that was a lie which was even obvious enough for her. Of course, she was tough. But yet the great, proud Arya Stark needed something to hold on to. Just a little assurance of his presence would be enough.
She hated herself for closing her eyes when she heard the familiar voice. Only, that she could imagine this self-satisfied smile she remembered instead of looking into an unemotional mask. She hated herself for thinking about him whenever the thirst for revenge did not overtake her mind. She hated herself for still hoping him to return. More than one time she caught herself watching the others to find out if he wears a disguise. She hated herself for being so naïve, thinking that she was still important to him.
Most of all, she hated herself for simply wanting him back in her life.