This is my new history!
Naruto doesn´t belong to me
Otsutsuki Hagoromo, the great Sage of the six paths, first jinchuuriki ever, god of the Shinobi World, was bored. Whit all that peace he was starting to miss his mother and the green goo that she called Zetsu. At least when Kaguya was still a threat he have something else to do rather than sitting on his ass seeing the everyday of life going on. The only amusing thing he have seen in ages was the new genin chasing Torah, the eternal nightmare of a cat, all over Konoha.
"So bored" he said, trying to find amusement in the cat scratching the fifteenth kid´s face this week, but that was an old joke now. "I´m sorry, mommy. Have I known how bored I would be with you sealed forever I would never have done it" he apologized to Kaguya.
He just walked away, thinking about searching Hamura to talk (he have already grounded Indra and Azura for the rest of their afterlives (his sons weren´t talking to him because of that)), so they were out of question) when he noticed two of his sons transmigrants some steps away, screaming at each other.
"Even if I was manipulated my idea was right! And the village shouldn´t have been created in the first place, it was an absurd dream!" yelled Madara, his arms crossed in front of his chest.
"No, it wasn´t. And they finally achieve peace, the Shinobi alliance…" answered Hashirama with his usual smile. He wanted to calm his old friend down before he committed some sort of craziness (Madara Uchiha was dangerous even dead).
"The Alliance is only a ceasefire! They will find some reason to fight in the future! And shut up your overly optimistic mouth, you fool!" screamed the raven at his face, startling his companion, sending him into one of his depressive fits. "Oh, not again"
"Sorry, Madara" said the previous Hokage, sitting on the nonexistent ground with his arms around his knees and a purple aura around himself.
"Snap out of it, you are too old for that" now the Uchiha didn´t raise his voice. He know that if he did that the fool he have for a best friend would only get more depressed and that was a nightmare.
"I´m not that old…" the poor Shodai was getting even worse at been called old and his friend was losing his patience.
"Your granddaughter have more than sixty years!" screamed the former missing nin, looking at the brunette with his Sharingan activated.
"Tsuna, yes! I miss when she was a little girl, she looked so cute in her tiny dress, playing poker with me in the afternoons… it was the only gamble she ever won" remembered the Senju, happy again with his memories of his beloved Tsunade.
"Because the only person with worst luck than her was you" mumbled the raven, crossing his arms again.
"I was not that bad at gambling" lied Hashirama.
"Says who? Every time we played poker together I won and when I accompanied you to the casino you lost all your money on the Black Jack table. And let´s not talk about all the times Tobirama have to drag you out of the betting pools because you were losing even your underwear" listed his friend, making him go into depression again.
"Yes, I was such a loser at gambling"
"Stop that already" said a very annoyed Madara, grabbing his friend´s arms and pulling him into his feet. "And like I was saying, that dream we shared as children was just a nonsense and Konoha useless…"
"No, it wasn´t" said the brunette, looking more like a stubborn child than the powerful shinobi he truly was. "Our village…"
"Yours! Your village! It was never my home" screamed the Uchiha. When he thought about Konoha the only things that come to his mind was how he was shunned, mistrusted, ostracized and hated in that place he helped to create.
"No, Madara, ours" repeated the Shodaime. "Our village was a beacon of hope where the children could grow up happy and won´t be sent to the battlefield to die like us or our brothers. And in the end our dream was accomplished"
"Of course not! Izuna… Izuna wasn´t there to see it. And he wouldn´t like it anyway" answered Madara, remembering his sweet (just to himself, Izuna was a nightmare to any other person than his nii-san) little brother.
"Hey… Should have kept a better eye on Tobirama or just left him at home that day"
Hagoromo was listening to them with interest, then a great idea come to his mind. He have exactly what those two need and would use it for his personal amusement. That technique would make sure that he was never bored for a long time. Smiling, he got close to his descendants with the intension of helping them (having fun).
"Do you want to correct some past events?" asked the Sage, startling the two shinobi.
"Hum… yes?" answered Madara a little bit mistrusting the old man. Hagoromo´s smile was much like Hashirama´s when he was planning some childish prank and he didn´t like it. It sent shivers down his spine.
"Of course we want!" answered the brunette, not really noticing the disturbing smile in his ancestors face. It was much like Kaguya´s. "Why? Could it be… that you have some way to help us to change the past?" Madara wanted to slap him, was he truly that idiotic? Scratch that, he was even more.
"I have a jutsu that could reset you lives and return you to a certain day, maybe… the day you two meet at the riverbank?"
"Why that day?" asked Madara with a frown.
"Just think about it, what would you change if you could go back to that day?"
"I would never meet this idiot and go on with my life" said the Uchiha signaling his fool of a rival, who was again feeling depressed.
"That was so mean, Madara" said the Shodaime, his purple aura engulfing him. "We have so much fun together those days"
"Hum…" was the only thing the raven said. Madara wasn´t going to accept it, but the days he spent with Hashirama at the riverbank were the best of his life. He felt so free and happy… like a normal child just playing outside with his best friend without having to worry about all the war and death around him.
"See? Even you enjoyed those times! Why don´t repeat them?" said a smiling Hashirama. Madara frowned as the idiot could read him very good. Well, if he goes back to those days maybe he could save Izuna. Hashirama was having the same thoughts, he wanted to save Kawarama and Itama… and something more. "Why don´t we make a bet?"
"A bet? On what?" asked Madara, giving him an interested look.
"We go back like the Sage said and we live our lives again. If you prevent Konoha from being created again… I will let you torture Tobirama the way you like" Hashirama hated using his little brother like that, but he have no other chose, that was the only thing that could make Madara agree with that deal.
"Really? Even gut him alive? Or let him drown in his own blood?" smiled the Uchiha, showing his sadistic side. Oh, he would have so much pleasure in torturing the damn albino, he couldn´t wait for that…
"Um hum… yeah, but only if you won!" pointed Hashirama.
"Do you even remember who I´m going against? The Big Loser in person" said Madara happy. Winning this bet was going to be… "Wait a minute, what are you going to win with this? Do you want Tobirama out of your life?"
"Jaja, very funny" faked Hashirama. Fortunately, he already have something in mind to be his price if he won. "Do you remember that proposition I made to you one day at the riverbank?"
"Which one? You made a lot of stupid propositions" asked the raven, trying to remember every dumb thing his crazy friend said in their childhood. Dressing in a less Uchiha way? No way in hell; bring Tobirama and Izuna to one of their meetings so they could be friends too? NO!
"Como on, Madara, it´s not that hard. I repeated that proposition a lot of times in our lives, even during our fights" said the Shodaime. His friend thought harder and finally understood what he was saying.
"That one? It was the dumbest thing you ever said, I thought you were joking" said the Uchiha with an incredulous look.
"If I won you have to say yes" stated an incredibly serious Hashirama, then smiled, a determinate look on his face.
"NO! I WOULD NEVER DO SUCH A THING!" yelled the Uchiha at the top of his lungs, his face all red.
"What did you asked him to do?" asked Hagoromo interested.
"Well…" begin the brunette.
-Flashback-
"When I grow up I want to marry Madara" said a young Hashirama, with his bowl cut hair and smiling face, sitting right beside his friend. They have just finished their daily session of dreams and planning their village.
"What are you saying, idiot?" said a flustered child Madara, with his face all red.
"I love you! Would you marry me when we are older, Madara?" proposed the smiling fool, causing the other boy´s face to go even redder. "Hum? Do you have a fever or something like that?" asked an innocent brunette.
"You fool… the answer is NO!" screamed an embarrassed Uchiha, getting up. He started walking away, trying to get home before the idiot do something even more stupid, but luck was not on his side. Hashirama grabbed his arms and pulled him towards his body, embracing Madara in his.
"Come on, say yes. I love you"
"NO! And a thousand times NO! Give up Hashirama!" screamed the little raven, trying to get out of his best friends embrace. But when he finally could the things got worse, the brunette turned him around by one arm and kissed him… on the mouth. The damn idiot stole his very first kiss! When the kiss ended Hashirama was smiling and Madara feel that his facial veins were about to explode because of how he was blushing. "You… you… you…"
"It felt amazing, Madara-chan" said the grinning fool.
"You kissed me!" exploded the Uchiha, positioning himself in battle position and raising his fists to pound the stupid into next week. Hashirama was oblivious to this and continue smiling. "Consider yourself death!"
"Hum? But that felt so good! At least to me…" the little brunette was depressed now, but that was not stopping Madara him hitting him. Then he snapped out of it. "Would you marry me now?"
"NO!"
-End of the flashback-
"You really asked him to marry you when you were children?" asked Hagoromo a little bit incredulous. Not even Asura have come whit an idea as crazy as that, and he used to have the craziest of ideas. Like when he thought it was right to change all his big brother´s clothes for dresses… Indra was so mad at that, he chased after his little brother for hours screaming profanities while wearing a pink dress (and he gave his men such a show, many of them dreamed for weeks about having a female Indra in their beds).
"Yes, I did" answered sincerely Hashirama while a very flustered Madara was fuming next to him, remembering when the fool stole his first kiss. "And keep asking that during every one of our fights"
"Oh, wow" was the only thing the Sage said. Hagoromo thought about it and then smiled. It was an incredible idea and will assure his fun. With that malicious grin directed to the Uchiha, he started talking "Then, do you accept the bet?"
"NO! And for the hundredth or more time in my life: NO, HASHIRAMA, I´M NOT MARRYING YOU!" shouted the raven, Sharingan in his eyes. The Rinnegan eyed man just rolled his sacred eyes, he have a counterattack ready.
"So you are scared of losing it? Because I feel you are"
"NO! Do you even know who I´m playing against? He is the worst gambler ever! He lost every bet and gamble he made in his entire life!"
"Not all, I still won a few" intervened a depressed Hashirama. That was a lie, of course, Tsuna inherited her bad luck at gamble from him.
"Shut up, Hashirama" ordered the Uchiha. "Going back to that, I´m not scared. I couldn´t possible lose this bet"
"Then why are you refusing it?"
"Because I´m not taking any risks! Besides, Izuna would be mad at me if he even get a tuft that I bet my hand in marriage…" he could even hear his baby brother screaming at him for being such an idiot.
"But if there is no chance of Hashirama winning then he won´t have to know. And you could rip Tobirama´s liver in his presence" proposed the Sage, hoping that Madara will take the bait, but the Uchiha was not that easy to fool.
"That could be good, but still no" said the raven. "And Hashirama, what about Uzumaki Mito, your beloved wife?"
"What about her?" asked the Shodaime confused. He never really loved Mito, it was always Madara who had his hearth. And he could swear that the Uchiha loved him too, he just was in denial.
"She was the mother of your children and your life partner, do you really want to lose those beautiful memo…"
"First of all, it was a political marriage and we can´t really stand each other. We even slept in different rooms!" waved him, remembering the hot headed redhead he used to be married to. Sometimes (almost always) she scared the shit out of him. "And second the very few times we has sex because we didn´t have another option but to make children we used role-play to convince ourselves that we weren´t about to sleep with a person that we didn´t like"
"Role-play? Seriously? You couldn´t do it with your wife without a costume?" asked an incredulous Uchiha.
"Yes… and she didn´t look even as good as you in your clothes" mentioned Hashirama, remembering the times when Mito put on Madara´s clothes and a black wig.
"PERVERT!" shouted Madara, really embarrassed and willing to kill Hashirama for that.
"That´s why I didn´t have any objections in cancelling my marriage to her" said the Shodaime to his fuming friend. "Then, we make the deal? Or are you too scared?"
"Scared? Me? Not a chance" answered the Ex-Uchiha clan leader. "But if we make this bet we are going to set some rules!"
"Fine" answered the other two.
"First, all the persons in both clans have to be willing to form Konoha" with that he was making sure Hashirama will never win. He would never convince Izuna or Tobirama that it was a good idea to form an alliance between the clans. He didn´t know for Kawarama or Itama, but if they survive would more than likely side with the albino. "And… wait a minute, do you really want to renounce to the chance of being the father of your children?"
"I have a jutsu that will fix that" offered Hagoromo.
"Oh, good" said a troubled Madara. "And second… you won´t be trying anything funny with me before Konoha and only IF it is created."
"Okay… but three: You have to save yourself for me" said a smiling Hashirama.
"F-Fine" accepted Madara. "Then we close the bet"
"Sure" they shook hands and the bet was official
"Then" intervened Hagoromo, smiling. "There is no time to lose. Time travel no jutsu!" when the two vanished he started seeing the living world. "This is going to be fun."
Was it funny? I was laughing while writting this. Reviews, please!