He's Out Of Control

by Dan Sickles

Jimmy McNulty has always been a cop on the edge. But one day his mind snaps and the Barksdale crew have no choice but to call his friends in to take him to a quiet place. This is a very funny story, but don't expect it to make much sense. Just listen to the theme song from THE WIRE and sing along! Rated T for language.

HE'S OUT OF CONTROL

This is my first FanFiction for THE WIRE. Please comment nicely!

All summer long, the song kept playing in the projects.

Keep away from the devil,

He's just like a mole,

He's small and he's furry,

And he lives in a hole,

And he only does evil,

Cause he's out of control!

"Man, every week they be singing that same beat-down country shit." Young Preston "Bodie" Broadus threw a rock at the video monitors overseeing "the pit." The small courtyard was a hub of drug dealing activity, and the sacred couch was the throne for the drug-dealing heroes of the Barksdale organization.

"Shit be Orwellian," his friend Poot agreed. "All day and night, Five Oh be watching with cameras. Listening in on the wire. And whenever we walk down the street they play that lame, derivative, over the top blues holler."

"Sounds just like a sixty year old television executive's idea of where black music be at," Bodie agreed.

"Five Oh! Five Oh!" The chanting black children announced the arrival of a crazed white man.

"Fellas, you gotta help me find her. You gotta help me bring her home!" Detective Jimmy McNulty rolled his eyes, looking drunk and unshaven and obsessed.

"Don't tell me, some white stripper got drowned in Chesapeake Bay?" Bodie sneered at the Irish cop's drooling excitement.

McNulty playfully clubbed the young drug dealer to the ground. "Don't disrespect my chivalrous impulses! It's not a stripper, it's my partner Kima. She went crazy and ran off three weeks ago. Said she was going to Transylvania!"

Poot looked at the white cop. "Why some sister go to Transylvania?"

"Dracula's Daughter," Bodie groaned, rolling on the ground while holding his head. "It's a lesbian classic. With white chicks."

"Damn right it's a classic," McNulty said. "I showed it to Kima. Now she's obsessed with lesbian vampires! I blame myself," the young Irish cop said mournfully.

"I can get you bootleg copies of Dracula's Daughter," whined a drippy young white boy. "All the bootleg DVD's you want, right from the ship."

"Boy, will you get out of my face with that watered down On The Waterfront crap?" Bold Stringer Bell immediately began pimp slapping young Ziggy Zeglewski.

"Ow! Ow! Ow! I coulda been a contendah. Ow! Ow! Ow!"

"Damn it fellas!" Jimmy McNulty cried. "I know my brutally violent lesbian partner can be saved! We just have to go sailing deep into the blue waters of the Chesapeake Bay! Atlantis is waiting for us! Kima is waiting for us! Only I can save the city of Baltimore! Worship me, young Negroes, for I am your Irish messiah!"

Just then Captain Rawls arrived with Bunk and the rest of the homicide squad. They didn't do anything to Avon's people.

Instead they threw a butterfly net over Jimmy McNulty.

"It's the devil!" Jimmy McNulty cried as they dragged him off to the insane asylum. "It's the devil who's making me crazy! He's out of control! No, I mean, he's just like a mole! So you've got to keep him way down in his hole!"

"See, nephew?" said Avon Barksdale, as he welcomed young D'Angelo back to the neighborhood. "I told you that song makes sense. Free drugs for everyone!"

And while Jimmy McNulty screamed and screamed behind the locked doors of the asylum, the whole city of Baltimore danced and feasted for the rest of their days.

THE END