My name is Ash Williams and I work at S-Mart. It's not glorious but it is peaceful. After the shit I've been through, stocking shelves and helping people find the 2-ply is a hellova lot better then standing knee deep in deadite guts. I've enjoyed my work so much, in fact, that today when I go in the manager has a special promotion he wants to talk to me about.
Ash walked past the automatic doors of the S-Mart entrance, whistling. He winked at the girl working the front register and sauntered back to the managers office. The moment his head was turned from her she flipped him off. Walking into the office, Ash swung the chair around and sat with his arms on the back rest.
"So chief, whats this big promotion you got for me?" The manager turned away from the computer screen to face Ash. He looks just like Ted Raimi.
"Yeah, so hey big guy, I have the greatest ultimatum for you." He grabbed a manilla folder and slapped it in front of Ash. He just started at it then looked up at the manager.
"Ultimatum?" He asked confused then grabbed the folder and flipped through the pages. It was details on a new S-Mart store branch opening up.
"S-Mart is blazing across America and With my word to the higher ups, I want you to be a pioneer." He smiled and swayed back and forth in his chair.
"Wait a second, this store is in Colorado. Are you seriously sending me away just to work at another branch?" Ash frowned and tossed the folder back on the table.
"Not work...Run, you will be its manager!" The man started clapping. Ash rubbed his fantastic chin as he envisioned ruling over a new store.
"Well, I did lead an army against the undead. I could handle some employee's." Ash grabbed the file again to look through it more thoroughly showing interest.
"Great! So, you start in two days. Thats when it's grand opening is, you would be a shit manager if you didn't make it to that. So start packin', bub." The manager spun back to the side again and started clacking away at the keyboard.
"Wait, what?! It takes more then two days to uproot my life and move to-" Ash paused and looked at one of the papers in the file. "Racoon City, Really? Only Colorado would name a town after a feral animal." The manager sighed in annoyance.
"You have two days to get there or the jobs not yours anymore." The manager grabbed another folder that was much thicker with papers and slapped it in front of ash.
"And before you ask, No, you can't stay and work here. This is all the sexual harassment complaints from female employees that have built up over time." The manager pulled out a few papers from the file and started reading off the complaints.
'Ican't wear a skirt to work anymore because Ash always makes me use the latter to stock the top shelves and offers to hold it steady. He just does it to peep!'
"Hey, in all fairness skirts are against dress policy in the first place." Ash chimed in poorly defending himself. The manager just lifted his eyebrows then looked back at the complaints.
'Ash is a total pig! I'm only working here still because I enjoy watching him drink the coffee I spit in.'
"Wait, hold up...Thats Holly right? She has been buying me coffee everyday for at least two years. Hates me so much she paid three dollars a day to watch me drink spit?" Ash didn't seem to hurt by the complaints. Even though some ofbthe women are even willing to pay to watch him suffer it still didn't faze his ego. The manager stopped reading them off as Ash had a smart comment or rebuttled to each one.
"Look Ash, you take this new job or you stay here and have no job along with a feminist uprising at your back!" The manager yelled clearly at his wits end. Ash just rolled his eyes and stood up.
"Sheesh, ok amigo." Once he said this the manager had turned back to the computer and started typing again. Ash looked over to catch a glimps of the screen.
"What is SAO fanfiction?" He asked puzzled. The managers face turned red and he frantically turned off the monitor.
"I-its nothing! Now get the hell out!" He yelled pointing at the door.
"God damn ok, ok, I'm just confused, I only use computers to 'help out' when I dont catch a lady friend at the bar." Ash said this as he walked to the threshold of the office door. The manager didn't acknowledge his comment so Ash turned his head slightly before leaving and muttered.
"Fanfiction, what a loser."
Once out of the office Ash was shocked by the sight in front of him. It was litterally every female employee at S-Mart. Together they all held up a big sign that said 'Good luck, Ash!' He looked confused as he walked by all the smiling women. They had popers and one even opened champagne. Once he got out of the store and in his delta 88 Oldsmobile, it was off to Colorado.
'I didn't want to move. I guess it's good to change things up once and awhile. I've killed countless monsters, traveled in time, and stopped bly- Wait wrong series. Anyways, I could handle this change and since my house is portable it's not a major inconvenience. Something about this Raccoon city didn't sit right with me though. The recent news around the area had a lot of unexplained murders and while I drove through the dark winding roads of the Colorado rockies, it gave me a uneasy nostalgia of driving to that cabin.'
Part one: Deadites or not deadites?
As ash came around the bend lights could be seen in the distance. He drove by small clusters of farm styles houses on the outskirts of town. 'So this is Racoon City, huh?' He thought to himself. The radio started to tune into a local channel but the stereo system in his car was on the fritz.
'Warning! All reside- Inside, Do not...Martial law is- God bless'
"Piece of shit!" Ash yelled as he smacked the radio. Needless to say it didn't fix it, just made the channel change to R.E.M. playing 'It's the end of the world' He didn't seem to mind as he poorly sang along to it while driving.
Ignoring the constant back and forth of helicopters flying in and out of the cities and the liberal amount of traffic leaving town, Ash continued to bebop into the city. Seeing a local gas station coming into sight he decided to pull over and fill up. stepping out of the car a young man was idly standing near by wearing a blue blazer sporting the gas stations logo. Ash, not paying attention, tossed his keys at the guy hitting him on the side. The man made no reaction to this and the keys fell to the ground.
"Hey, fill her up por favor." He said walking into the convenience store.Didn't even turn his head or bother to look and see that he just hit the guy with his keys.
Inside the store, florescent lights buzzed and gave the place an unnatural brightness. He grabbed a six pack of beers and jerky before walking to the front.
"Hello!" Ash yelled scanning the area. The place was completely empty. Even looking around the outside, all he could see was the lone gas attendant who to his suprise was still standing in the same spot.
"Hello, paying customer here!" He yelled out again. After a moment of no sound aside from the lights he pulled out his wallet and dropped ten dollars on the counter. "So yeah, just going to leave this here." Once he set the money on the counter a bloody hand grabbed his wrist from behind the counter. Ash, being startled, tried to move away but the hand held him in place.
"What the hell?!" He struggled to break free. The person that held his wrist came into light as they stood up from behind the counter. It was a woman who looked about her mid twenties. She had blood shot eyes and large amounts of dried blood caked around her mouth. Ash started to panic and pulled against her grip even more. "Either you're a lesbian that got busy at the wrong time or a very sloppy bloody mary drinker." She showed no reaction to his words just grabbed his arm with her other hand and moved her head to his exposed skin. Ash twisted his arm and pulled back, this made a loud pop sound as his fake hand came off. The woman held the wooden hand looking puzzled for a moment. She started to violently gnaw on it then after realizing it wasn't flesh, dropped it. She started crawling over the counter so Ash ran back to his car.
"Hey pal, I need my keys!" He said running up the the attendant that had not moved a inch since he went inside. This time however the man turned his head revealing his jaw was completely missing. Ash jumped back in fear and quickly got in his car. It didn't take long after he caught his breath when the reality set in that his keys are still outside. The attendant slammed his body against the driver side door and smacked its graphic bloody face against the window making garbled flemy sounds.
"Guess the altitude really get to these people." He remarked. Quickly wiggling his way to the passanger seat to try and get out but before opening the door the female worker from inside slammed up against it. Now he was completely trapped. Looking around frantically for anything that could help he realized anything useful in this situation was hitched to the back of the car. His boom stick and chainsaw was in the camper. After bing stumped for a moment he looked at the back seat and got an idea. Moving to the back he folded the seats down exposing the trunk. Crawling inside he pulled the latch flipping it open. Quickly hopping out he ran to the trailer door and tried to open it. It was locked and once again he realized the keys are over by the pump. The two people lazily slumped his direction and when he noticed how slow they moved it put him at a slight ease. Running around and grabbing the keys he waited till they came closer to him and away from the car before running back over to the camper. He went inside and grabbed the shotgun and loaded two rounds in it. waiting inside for them to come by the doorway he aimed at the threshold. Once they came into his sights he grinned.
"Sorry baby, I don't do devils three ways." After his line he fired both barrels. The wide buck shot hit both knocking them on their backs. He walked out and poked the twitching corpses with the smoking barrel. After being satisfied, he made his way to the car.
Getting in the driver seat he heard a loud motorcycle pull up at a pump next to his. The rider was a slender built woman and when she took off her helmet it revealed silky red hair. Ash could tell shee wasn't one of those things so he got out and ran up to her.
"Hey, don't stay here it's dangerous.!" He yelled. The woman looked puzzled and stepped back as Ash approached her. She took a defensive stance as if he was some crazed lunatic.
"Why, whats going on?" She asked keeping a distance. Ash pointed at the bodies by his trailer and ranted about no jaws and bloody faces. This just made him look even worse in her eyes and at a distance when she looked at the bodies it was hard to make out their ghoulish details so it didn't help his case. Putting two and two together she slowly moved to her motorcycle and tried to drive away from this murderous psycho. But as she tried to kick start the bike a large man wearing jeans and a plaid shirt with a trucker hat grabbed her. He pulled her off the bike and they both tumbled to the ground. The man got up first and pinned her to the ground.
The man had rabid eyes and dried blood around his face and streams of it coming from his ears. He tried chomping at her but she held his face a few inches from her own with her forearm. Screaming for help, Ash held up his shotgun and fired...And forgot he used both rounds already.
"Shit, ok ummm, hang on, gotta reload!" He fumbled running back to the camper. Quickly, he grabbed two rounds and loaded them then returned and took aim. As the two struggled he realized that the odds of shooting her were high. Instead he ran up and hit the large man in the side of the face with the butt of the gun. This was enough to shift his weight and allow her to shove him off. Once she was out of the way and the man stood up, Ash took aim again.
"Sorry pal, She's no lot lizard." He pulled both triggers guaging a massive hole in the guys torso. After the shot finished echoing all that could be heard was the buzz of lights around the gas station.
"Now do you believe me?" He asked. She just stood there stunned for a moment before speaking.
"I...What was that thing?" She asked stuttering in disbelief. Ash loomed over the corpse and poked it a few times with his gun.
"It's a 'Time to leave and not come back' thats what it is." As he said this he started to walk back to the car. The woman just stood there motionless from shock. "Hey, sister it's time to vámonos, go, get the hell outta dodge!" His words didn't seem to faze her so he walked back over and waved his hand in front of her face.
"I can't leave." She replied pushing his hand away irritated.
"Ummm hello, the folk here are a tit on the cannibalistic side." He argued. She walked back over to her bike and got on.
"My brother is in the city and I can't turn back." She said hitting the kick start. She put on her helmet and before taking off, Ash moved in front of her path.
"Look, you can't go into that city alone!" He yelled having a sound battle with the engine. She cut it and took her helmet off with an impatient look on her face.
"Get out of my path, every moment im here, my brother is increasingly getting into more danger." Ash walked over to her side.
"Look, it sounds odd but i've dealt with this kinda stuff, and it's too dangerous." He kept warning her but it was obvious she wouldn't budge so he cursed to himself then let out a sigh. "At least let me come with you, I have a gun and can't let a pretty lady go into that ugly town without some muscle." He said reluctantly. She didn't really like the idea of being around this man more then she had two but felt a bit indebted from him saving her a moment ago.
"Fine, get on." She said scooting forward a bit on the seat. Ash looked at the back of the bike and shook his head.
"First off, I don't ride bitch seat. Second, that tin can over there is my house and my life. I'm not leaving it. Plus I have tools and ammo inside we may need in the city." He argued, mostly for the sake of his manhood.
She was irritated but it did sound like the logical choice so she got off her bike and agreed to travel with him. When they walked up to his car she got a good look at the bodies and could now see they matched the morbid look of the trucker. Her face contorted looking at the one with no jaw.
"He probably lost it getting a good look at my chiseled face." Ash said looking at her twisted face. She just looked at him and just shook her head in pitty. As The two drove into town it was mostly silent in the car till Ash broke the ice.
"So, have a name with that attitude and hair of a crimson goddess?" He asked.
"It's Claire, Claire Redfield." She replied coldly.
"Groovy Claire, im Ash, Ash Williams." To his warm greeting she just nodded her head and looked out the window. "If our conversation keeps like this, I'll have to turn the heater on." He said sarcastically. She turned her head to face him and showed no sign of amusement in his remarks.
"You said you have 'experience' with these things, what does that mean?" She asked.
"Open the glove box will you." He said pointing at it. She opened it and inside underneath some papers was a book with leather binding. Pulling it out she looked a bit startled when the disfigured face on the cover came into view. "Thats the Necronomicon, written by some mad Arib, blah blah Akbar or something." Claire ignored his racist rant and started flipping through the blood inked pages.
"I've never seen a book like this, how does it relate to the people back there?" She asked without moving her eyes from the pages. It was clear she was now engrossed in the book.
"It's about deadites, basically they are pissed off demons that possess people and generally come after me." Ash replied recalling the events of the cabin in vivid detail. As he did so it dawned on him how much different the people at the gas station acted compared to the ones he faced back then. The town started to close in and the two stopped talking when they saw how graphic things in the inner city were. Fire was set in just about every other building and cars littered the streets abandoned and crashed. He had to stop when an over turned bus blocked the road ahead.
"Shit, Gotta turn around." He tried backing up but the narrow road and crashed cars made it almost impossible with his camper. "Shit I cant turn around like this." Claire shook her head.
"Told you the bike was better, we could easily have maneuvered past this mess." As she said this Ash let out a sigh and got out.
"So where does your brother live?" He asked scanning the area. Claire joined him outside the car and looked up ahead.
"Best bet is at the police station, it should just be a few blocks up ahead." She said straining her eyes.
Ash and her then went inside the trailer and grabbed anything useful. She looked over and figured it would be a good time to ask about his hand. Ash cocked an eyebrow and he held up his nub.
"I lost this bad boy saving a drowning child that a shark was hassling, great white bastard took my hand-" Ash walked up face to face with Claire. "But it was a small price to pay to save a life." He finished giving her a seductive look.
"judging by your character, a drunk ballistics accident or a 'Hold my beer' moment probably really took it." She said not buying his story. Ash grabbed his chest dramatically and gave an expression of pain.
"Your cut may say, made in heaven, but I beg to differ." The two argued and the banter continued till they had everything that would probably help for the road ahead. Ash filled is pockets with as many shot gun shells as he could fit and grabbed a flask sitting in the kitchen area. He then went to the back and flipped over the mattress revealing a latch handle. Once pulled, it opened a secret hatch that housed his modified chainsaw. Attaching the proper bandoliers and fastened the straps he equiped the massive hardware tool to his wrist. Claire still rummaging turned around to see his new accessory.
"That looks terribly impractical." She said shaking her head.
"This bad boy cuts through monsters like butter baby, it does however tend to get a lot of blood and bodily fluids on you." He pulled the string and fired it up. Giving it a few revs he smiled. "But thats a small price to pay."
After they finished grabbing things and went outside the sound of the chainsaw drew attention and now a mob encircled them. Ash and claire looked at each other then back at the large crowd. Ash took a bad ass stance and glaired at the horde of monsters.
"I totally forgot my beer and ten dollars back at the store." His line didn't match up in anyway with the pose. Claire just face palmed and rubbed her temple. Ash cleared his throat and took the hero stance once again.
"Pocket full of shells, half a tank of gas and an army of the dead." Ash grinned.
"Groovy."