Disclaimer: Desperate Housewives really isn't mine. I'm just playing.

Story Summary: The neighborhood men welcome Carlos to the lane. A pre-series fic.

Good Talk

A story by Ryeloza

"I hate these neighborhood shindigs." Karl took a long swig of beer, ignoring the curious look shot in his direction, and then held out his hand. "Karl Mayer. I'm married to the drama queen over there."

"Carlos Solis." He reached out, hesitantly shaking Karl's hand. Karl wanted to laugh. No one ever knew whether to take him seriously, and he loved it. "We just moved in—"

"Yeah, I know. Susie's been yammering on about it for days now. You know your wife's had a real affect on her?"

Carlos' eyes widened. "Really? Gaby?"

"Oh yeah. I haven't seen Susan this intimidated since Lynette Scavo moved in next door. But that wore off years ago."

"Um…"

"Of course, that was mostly because Lynette's scary as hell. Got her husband's balls in a vise, you know? But you get used to that. Your wife, on the other hand…She's so sexy that Susan's insecurities are bound to last for years."

Carlos looked torn between punching him and thanking him. Not bad for a two minute conversation. Karl clapped his shoulder and added, "You met everyone yet?"

"No."

"Great. Let me give you the run down. Now like I said, my wife: total drama queen. It's like she's constantly on the rag. Do you know what it's like to live with that?"

"Not really."

"Consider yourself lucky then. I mean, you come home with lipstick on your collar one time, you know?"

"You're cheating on her?"

"Cheating? No. Having casual sex with women…" Karl teetered his hand back and forth and made a loud clack sound. "You know how it is, buddy."

"Not really."

Karl ignored this. "Okay, the Scavos. Tom is whipped and she's a complete control freak, and you know that means that she's great in bed. I mean, seriously, they had three kids in two years. You know that something wild's going on over there. The Van de Kamps on the other hand…" Karl glanced over at Bree and Rex, sighing and shaking his head. "She's so tightly wound that you know she's never had a good fuck. I blame him. You know he's the only guy she's ever been with? Complete recipe for disaster. I'm telling you, one night with me and she'd be—"

"Dude!" Carlos shook off the hand Karl still had on his shoulder and gave him a disgusted look that Karl took with a grain of salt. According to Susan, the man had been married six months. In a few years, he'd be in the same boat as Karl.

"Sorry. I forgot you're still getting it on a regular basis. And from a woman who hasn't had a baby pass through down there to ruin things. Gets a little misshapen, right?"

"I wouldn't know."

"Trust me. We only have one kid, and I swear Susan's never bounced back."

Carlos frowned and then pointed over his shoulder as he backed away. "I'm just gonna…" He turned and walked away without another word.

"Okay then!" called Karl. "Good talk!"

Tom had Parker balanced on his hip while attempting to eat a hot dog at the same time, when Lynette accosted him with a rather demanding look in her eye. Of course, with a mouth full of hot dog it was impossible to circumvent whatever she was going to say, and so the first words out of her mouth were, "You need to get over there and rescue Carlos!"

"Rescue Carlos?" he echoed, though it didn't come out quite so clearly around the hot dog. Lynette looked rather disgusted.

"Yeah. Karl's over there right now. God only knows what he's saying."

Tom swallowed. "Knowing Karl? Probably something dirty."

"Exactly!"

"Well, it's not like Carlos has delicate ears," he joked, but his laughter died away as he glanced over and saw Carlos slowly backing away from Karl. "On the other hand, it is Karl." He sighed. "Okay, fine." Shifting Parker higher on is hip, Tom headed across the lawn, catching Carlos just as he was walking away from Karl. So much for rescuing him. "Hey!" he chirped. "Carlos, right? I'm Tom Scavo."

"Uh. Hi."

"Hi."

They stared at one another awkwardly for a moment before Tom shook off the pause. "Oh, sorry," he said. "This is Parker."

"Ooh…hey…buddy," said Carlos in a way that suggested he had no clue how to act around a kid.

"You've got a beard," observed Parker with a little frown. "That's stupid."

"Okay!" said Tom brightly, promptly stuffing the last bite of hot dog into Parker's mouth. He chuckled uncomfortably. "Sorry. He's going through a phase. Kids, you know? You gotta love them."

"You do?"

"Well, maybe not you…" Tom trailed off. "I have three, actually. Three boys. Good for keeping you on your toes. Which reminds me, if you ever see my twins, don't give them candy."

"I'll keep that in mind," said Carlos dryly.

"Yeah." There was another long, uncomfortable pause, and Tom fumbled for something else to say. Usually he was better at quick thinking, but Carlos wasn't giving him much to work with. "Uh," he said, grasping at straws, "have you met my wife?" He turned, well-aware that Lynette was watching, and gave her a little wave that she returned with an eye roll. "Pretty blonde over there. Love of my life." Tom lowered his voice and stepped closer to Carlos. "Don't ever say anything bad to her about our kids. Seriously. Even if you catch them setting fire to your garage. Just make sure you get some evidence, march them home and stick to the facts. No commentary, no yelling, no insinuations that the kids were raised by wolves…"

"Are you serious?"

"Trust me. You know how mother bears are about their cubs? She's worse. It's a mother thing. I mean, you'll know when you have kids."

Carlos laughed. "We're not having kids."

"Really, why not?"

With a tight smile and a quick slap on the arm, Carlos said, "It was great talking to you, man, but I have to go grab some food."

"Oh, sure. Of course. You know, if you ever want to talk some more…" But Carlos was gone before he could finish.

"Daddy," said Parker, shaking his head like some tiny, judgmental adult, "you're stupid."

Tom sighed. "Yeah. Just don't tell Mommy."

"No, you've got to keep turning the hot dogs," said Paul, nudging Rex out of the way and taking the fork out of his hands. Rex crossed his arms, frowning. "See? That way they cook evenly."

"I think I know how to cook a hot dog."

"You want to take a poll of the people here?"

Before Rex could respond, the new neighbor stepped up to the grill, eyeing Rex and Paul like he didn't quite know what to expect. As if the two of them weren't the most normal men on the street. "Hot dog?" asked Rex, pushing Paul out of the way and retaking control of his grill. It was his barbeque, after all.

"Yeah." There was a pause, and then he added, "I'm Carlos Solis. I just moved in down the street."

"Rex Van de Kamp." He speared a hot dog and slapped it on a bun, handing it to Carlos. Then, with a derisive head bob, he added, "And this is Paul."

"Paul Young," Paul clarified in that smug way he had. He reached out a hand to shake Carlos'. "That's an interesting color you painted the house."

"You like it?"

"It's…something."

Rex gave a long, artificial laugh. Paul never knew when to shut up. "So, newlywed, huh? You loving it?"

"Yeah," said Carlos, oddly cautiously. He seemed like a strangely jumpy guy. "It's great. You're both married too?"

"Sixteen years. Got Paul here beat by three whole months."

"But who's counting." He and Paul both laughed, and Carlos nodded, but he looked at them like they were crazy. Rex couldn't quite blame him; lately, he didn't even sound like himself. Everything was the same boring small talk; the same fake smile plastered to his face.

"So," he said, unable to stop the trite platitudes, "have you met everyone yet? It's a great neighborhood."

"Yeah. I, uh, had a nice talk with Karl."

Paul snorted. "With Karl? Karl Mayer?"

"He gave me the run down on the neighborhood."

"Yeah, I'm sure he did."

They stared at one another for a moment until Rex could no longer fight the urge to pretend that they lived in utopia. Someone had to be honest with the poor bastard; he was clearly scared out of his mind. "Look," he sighed, "you'll get used to it in time. I mean, you move to the suburbs, your wife's happy, so you're happy. Eventually the same meaningless barbeques with the same people and the same burnt hot dogs just doesn't bother you anymore."

"Oh, no," laughed Carlos. "I was the one who wanted to move here."

For the first time, Paul and Rex were in sync. Simultaneously, they asked, "Why?"

"Well, like you said, it's a great neighborhood." He looked at them expectantly, his smile fading slightly. "Right?"

"Oh sure," said Paul.

"Right," agreed Rex, forcing that fake smile back into place. Who was he to question the sanity of others? "You'll see," he added cheerfully. "You'll be as happy as we are."