Title: Itachi Tells Stories!!!
Disclaimer: This author doesn't own Naruto
Summary: I wrote a part of this when I was half-drunk. (Not on alcohol. On sugar and other things.) So, yeah. Might not turn out as good. Itachi tells stories to random characters. Random Characters get mad. Etc. Etc.
1. The Three Little Piggies
This is a conversation between Itachi and Kisame.
"Itachi?"
"Hn."
"Did you ever tell stories?"
"Hn."
"Like fairy tales and all that kinda crap?"
"Hn."
"Good. I'm signing you up for a storytelling seminar in February!"
"!!!"
"Why don't you ever talk in words?"
"#$!"
And that's how Itachi got signed up for the stupid seminar. Needless to say, he was quite unhappy with the arrangement.
Especially since he sucked at telling stories to little ugly brats. He remembered a certain little ugly brat…
Flashback
"Tell me a story!" a six-year-old Sasuke squealed. "Tellmetellmetellmetellmetellme-"
"FINE!" a ten-year-old Itachi roared. He threw his pencil against the wall. It broke.
"Yay!" Little Ugly Brat yelled. He ran in circles. When he finally stopped, he sat down primly in front of his older brother.
"Um…" Itachi tried his best to recall a story his mother had told him. "There once were three little piggies and they had to build houses out of random stuff. So the first piggy made a house out of straw, the second piggy made a house out of sticks, and the last piggy made a house of out bricks. But then a wolf came and knocked down two of the houses, so only the brick one remained."
This is the part where he got more graphic.
"The piggies begged on their knees with tears in their eyes, 'Please don't eat us!' But the wolf merely laughed. He got a kunai and commenced with torturing the first piggy. First, he chopped of the tail, being careful to slice through the bone. Blood gushed out, and the wolf forced the piggy to drink it. Then he would do the same thing to the ears, nose, arms, and legs. Finally, he would impale the piggy, but not before psychologically torturing him. After he was finished, he turned toward the second piggy and-"
Itachi looked concerned as he squatted down to an unmoving Sasuke. That was weird. It looked liked he fainted. Itachi knocked on his head. "Hello? Anyone there? Hello?"
End Flashback
Itachi giggled with glee. Those were the good old days. Hmmm, he never finished the story Maybe it was time to pay Sasuke another visit.
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Sasuke sighed with joy. Today had been hell. Not only did Naruto almost screw up the mission like always, Kakashi had thrown a rotten apple at him. Seriously. A rotten apple for no reason. And Sakura had stalked him more than usual.
Sasuke frowned. That was strange. His light was off. He flicked the switch on.
OMG!!! There was Itachi, in his freaking living room! He still looked the same, cool and calm. In his living room.
"Foolish little brother…" Itachi breathed. Then in a more cheerful voice, he said, "The wolf approached the second piggy and got out his senbon. He said 'Foolish little piggy' and then the piggy begged him not to, but-"
"ITACHI! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!" Sasuke screamed. Had the world gone crazy? Piggies? Itachi?
"I never finished telling you the story." Itachi sniffed, offended that Sasuke had interrupted. "So anyways. The-"
"AHHH!" Sasuke screamed. Now he remembered! He had been six years old at the time, but had gone into a coma because of that stupid story! (Luckily, he was woken after two hours and thirteen minutes.)
Sasuke activated his Chidori to murder his brother. But Itachi just blinked and said, "You need to lighten up, ya know? I know that you are going through a beautiful phase in life called adolescence but…"
Itachi trailed off as his eyes widened. "OMG!!! Nobody ever gave you The Talk! (Well, seeing as our family is dead. Hee hee, that was a fun day.) Don't worry, I will. Come and sit."
Sasuke spluttered. First, Itachi tried to tell him a story about piggies, then he was trying to give him the The Talk? This was a dream, right? Yeah, it had to be a dream. But why wasn't he waking up?
"You see, Hiro, if a man and a woman love each other very much, they do something that can make a baby." Itachi said.
Sasuke blushed a bright red. "I know, Itachi. I know. And my name isn't Hiro."
"Fine, I'll explain that later. Listen up, Yuki. When you start entering teenage years, your body goes through a change called puberty. During puberty, you're hormones will be more hormoney than usual, and you'll grow hair in embarrassing places, like-"
"I said that I KNOW! And my name is Sasuke!"
Itachi sighed. "I have such an ungrateful AND foolish little brother. Isn't that right, um, was your name Hyunmin?"
"NO! IT'S SASUKE. Say it with me. SASUKE."
"Whatever, I shall continue my tale."
Itachi went into a long description on how the pigs belly was slit open and he had to walk around a tree while forced to seeing his intestines roll out. (Sick. Just sick, I know, but that's what the Vikings used to do.) Sasuke was too disoriented to pay attention.
"How's that? Wasn't that piggy foolish? Ooh! Ooh! I forgot about the third piggy. Dammit, can't remember what happened to him." Itachi looked thoughtful for a minute. "Hmmm. Hmmmmm. Hmmmmmmmm. Hmmmmmmmmmmm. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."
As each "Hmm" was getting progressively longer, Sasuke found a rotten apple on his table. He threw it a Itachi.
Itachi gasped. Then a dark aura descended upon the room. Itachi, eyes full of malice, started saying, "Foolish little brother, you lack-"
"Sasuke! Let us in!" two voices yelled. It was Naruto and Sakura pounding on the door.
Itachi winced. Now he still wouldn't be able to finish his story. "Sorry, but I have to go, Bob. See ya!"
Itachi disappeared in a poof of smoke.
"MY NAME IS NOT BOB!" Sasuke yelled.
But he was already gone.
Should this be a oneshot, or should it be longer?
And Hyunmin is the name of a guy I know. Actually, his name is Min, but his surname is Hyun, so I call him Hyunmin.