Chapter 1: Dorks

My mother walked me to the airport. It was an unusually crap day in Phoenix, the sky an ugly purple, black and blue. We hurried along the busy road, me tripping up every two minutes, of course. Mom didn't want to be outside when the storm hit. Her wig was far too precious for that. Because she had lost the car keys…and the car, we had to walk about ten miles to the nearest airport. Me, being too dumb, I didn't mention that we could take the bus….

"Montella," my mom told me-for the millionth time-"You have to go to Dorks! I can't look after a midget like you! Your bore me! I want a good life without any kids. Especially you. I want to marry Philias and live happily ever after like in… Finding Nemo. Without you."

With that, we finally arrived at the airport. As I was checking in, I turned around to wave goodbye to mom but I found that she was missing. Being as stupid and over reactive as I usually am, I ran all over the airport looking for her. Twenty minutes later, I found her doing a celebrations dance in the middle of the airport with an old guy who sold hot dogs on the street outside. I ran away in embarrassment and fell headfirst into a bin. I climbed out and sat on the floor crying. A passer by handed me a quarter like I was a homeless person. I stuck my tongue out and chucked it back at them. It bounced off someone's butt and hit me in the eye. Oh great, my eye is bleeding.

I've always had bad luck. Ever since I was a baby, when I fell down two flights of stairs and through a window. Since then, accidents just happen, one after the other, like that time when I was ten and burnt the house down because I was trying to light a candle. Or when I killed that old man because he wanted me to help him cross the road. I didn't see the lights turn red! I was too busy concentrating on this difficult game on my DS called Pokémon. The old man died in a hospital three days later due to being run over by a truck. The kid I blamed it on was jailed for four years for manslaughter.

Apart from the accidents, I'm a pretty nice person. I'm four foot eight which is a perfectly average height for my seventeen years and I have pretty pale skin. Surprisingly I don't have a tan from living in (usually!) sunny Phoenix. I would say that I have good hair but I won't because I'm half bald. Seriously! The right half of my head is bald! No wonder I don't have a boyfriend… that's why mom forces me to wear a wig. The hair on my wig is pretty good, if that counts. I have pretty brown eyes, though one had an uncontrollable twitch and now, my other one is bleeding.

I ran all the way to the Help Counter I passed on my way into the airport. I wanted to ask them if they had any tissues for my bloody eye.

"Can I have some tissues?" I asked the ugly lady at the desk. Since the desk was taller than me, I guess she couldn't see me. She looked around, irritated.

"Over here!" I yelled, waving my arm.

"I'm sorry," She said, grinning.

"That's O.K. I-" She cut me off.

"Have you lost your mummy little girl? Do you want a lollipop?" She said all this while smiling so hard, it made your face ache just to look at her.

"I'm seventeen," I told her with a cold look.

"Oh. What the hell do you want then?" she asked me, returning my glare.

"SOME TISSUES. OR POSSIBLY A DOCTOR SINCE MY EYE IS BLEEDING. AS YOU CAN SEE." I shouted, my eye twitching excitably as I did so.

"Why are you WINKING at me?"

"I'm NOT WINKING! My eye has a twitch! I can't bloody help it! Now can I have tissues OR NOT?"

"No."

"FINE! Ugly, Pimply, Spotty, MANLADY!"

I stormed away angrily, only to trip up over someone's guitar case.

I think I broke my nose.

Damn.

I got my nose sorted out though, by a grudging doctor and I walked in the plane, thankfully blood free. Except for my shirt. And my jeans. Oh, and my hair. I suddenly felt a surge of panic. How could I leave my unloving, stupid, pea-brained mother to fend for herself? She had Philias now, but he is just as bad as she is.

It was a four hour flight from Phoenix to Seattle, another hour in a small plane to Port Charlie's Angels and then an hour drive back down to a small town named Dorks. It rains a LOT here. By a lot, I mean A LOT. It was this hell hole that my mom and I escaped from when I was only a few years old, just after my two flights of stairs and through a window accident. We escaped from Barley, an egg and chip loving freak.

I haven't seen him for two years now, so I really don't know what the hell to expect. What if he was in a wheelchair? I couldn't deal with my injuries alone, so how could I now be expected to deal with a crippled, fat old man? The drive back to Dorks also scared me a little. I really didn't know what to say to my obese father.

Barley had really been mean about the whole thing. He seemed genuinely sad that I was coming to live with him for the first time. He told me that I would have to register myself into a high school and grudgingly agreed to help me look for a car.

When I landed in Port Charlie's Angels, it was already raining cats and frogs. It was unavoidable so I had already said bye- bye to the sun before I came here.

Barley was waiting for me with the same minibus he had ten years ago. He is the laziest person I know and the main reason I wanted a car of my own was because I refuse to be driven around by a fat dude wearing a hat saying "Got any egg and chips?"