I proudly present you this new comedy piece out of the blue, and I don't care if nobody likes it.
Oh, and:
Disclaimer:
I don't OWN Ren and Stimpy! (John K.)
Nor Catscratch. (Doug T.)
It was late afternoon when self-proclaimed leader of the house, Mr. Blik and his dimwitted brother Waffle were sitting in the living room downstairs watching T.V., and the aftertaste of carbon bubbles rested in both mouths; Waffle was already full to the brim with lunch and a gallon of Root Beer, but Mr. Blik kept on chugging down the delicious brown liquid like it was all that mattered.
"Ah!" he satisfactorily cried, eying his bottle close to being empty. "Waffle! This is living, I tell ya! Is this living, or is this living? C'mon!"
the answer, like the redundancy-fraught inquiry was just as simple-minded. For Blik to hear, at least, since Waffle replied, "Yeah…"
The tone in which he said this instantly provoked a dissatisfied, angry expression on Mr. Bliks' face, and he stopped drinking the Root Beer to snap at him, "What do you mean, "Yeah"!? This is the life!! No otherwise!!"
"Well," he began again, putting a finger to his chin, "There is more to life than this. Root Beer doesn't make you happy all the time, Mr. Blik." Then he added in more grander and dramatic tone, "Take life by the roots! And then, when you pull out those roots, invite your hated relatives over, and watch the pretty girls undress!"
"Yeah. Okay, Waffle. Good point. But just for future reference, shut up," said Blik rolling his eyes.
KNOCK!
KNOCK!
Blik walked over to the door and opened it: it was a horse standing on 2 legs.
"Okay. Who are you?" Blik asked, but not really interested. He looked very serious for a gray horse.
"Call me Mr. Horse," said the horse in a non-joking tone. It was clear he wasn't playing around, with his proper poise, elegant introduction, and calmed attitude, and gave Blik one nasty scowl. Blik wordlessly gave him an even nastier scowl and prepared to close the door. That was until he put his leg in the door. "I'm not GOING anywhere till I get the chance to speak to the Delicatessen of this particular establishment."
Blik didn't seem to be really willing to let just anyone walk in, especially some strange, jerky creature who came out of the blue for no reason whatsoever. And, Blik gawked, what the hell did he mean by "Delicatessen"? But Blik reluctantly let this "Mr. Horse" in. Mr. Horse sniffed cautiously around, taking several hasty steps back towards the door like he got bit in the butt by a stray fly.
"Okay. Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Swell. Colossal," the bizarre-shaped horse began quickly muttering to himself, much to Blik's irritation, who couldn't stand his presence any longer, taking one infuriated stride over to get answers.
"You know, we don't get Horses, let alone some pea-brained, fly-swatting, Stinky-pooped douchebags walking around unwanted around my horse, so, what the hell are you doing here?"
"Nothing. Absolutely nothing," said the overly-cordial horse before suddenly turning around and whipping out of the house with incredible speed, just like that, with a greedy, almost eager, and somewhat angry look on his face.
"Okay, so a HORSE walks into our horse, and then BOOM. Just like that, he leaves! What the hell!? What was that about!?"
Neither Gordon nor Waffle were interested; just as well, since Mr. Blik happened to barge in the living room on them in an unbearably loud voice, so violently waking them up from their daily catnap that they jumped up a full 2 feet in the air before landing clumsily on the floor right away. Both were robbed of a good solid 3 hours of sleep, so it was only natural that they gave Mr. Blik bewildered, furious stares.
"Okay… what?" scoffed Gordon, who only heard the last 3 words of Mr. Bliks' angry retort.
Mr. Blik explained it all again till Gordon understood, but Waffle clearly didn't, walking away for a few minutes just to lick himself, then thoroughly clean out all the wax from his ears, using his claws himself, making the process more painful than Waffle intended. He didn't seem to notice.
"A horse?" Gordon echoed Mr. Bliks' report in shallow, simple disbelief.
"Yeah! It came into our horse for NO REASON what-so-damned-ever!!"
Of course, Gordon didn't see the reason that Blik had to be angry, but still, this was an unusual thing to happen anyway. Then again, Gordon realized, already a million other of random occurrences, events and phenomena were centered around their home, so this wasn't that big of a deal.
"Blik, don't you think you're overreacting again?" Gordon queried in a quieter voice.
"No I'm not!!" Blik screamed, but Waffle piped up by saying, "Yes. Yes, you are."
"Screw you!" Blik snapped. "All I know is, is that, we some kind of Kick-ass plan to ensure we don't have anymore Unwanted Guests around my property ever again!!"
"Wait! I've got it!" Gordon exclaimed with a grin, rubbing both paws together. He was about to say his plan before Blik interrupted with, "Wait! I've come up with a better idea!"
Gordon gave him dull, unbelieving look and whispered, "Is this where you randomly list off a bunch of random items that don't make ANY sense until you ACTUALLY pull out your grand master plan?"
"Well," said Mr. Blik after a long silence, "No. All I need is Waffle, a Catapult, and a 90 MM Blast Machine Gun. This plan really isn't all that Complex," he exaggerated with the dip of 2 paws and a bored smile.
"And Mr. Blik plans to use me! I mean, come on! how dumb does he believe I am? And what's more, there's still a horse on the loose! Gordon invited him in for Tea, and here you are, making Tea!"
Hovis wasn't at all interested since he was busy, but this was because he had been asked by Gordon to make some tea for their guest. Thus it was no surprise to Waffle when he leaned over on the cat sitting on the Kitchen counter, smiled slyly, but gave Waffle a very disturbing glare before he said, "Yes. That's all well and good, Waffle. But you see, the problem is, this bonding thing you believe we're doing? We're not. Also, I can't honestly imagine you and a 90 MM Blast machine gun. You'd have to have some sort of mental disability."
"It could happen…" Waffle cradled himself with gleeful smile.
"I don't see how it can," Hovis said mockingly.
"Well… think about it!"
Hovis looked away for a minute and did so, and told Waffle simply, "No. The only conclusion I've come is that for one shinning moment, you've completely lost your mind."
"Ha!" Waffle triumphantly, but emptily exclaimed, "Too late, British binge!! I've already figured that out on my own a year ago!!"
There was an awkward silence before Hovis said to him in a low, shuddering voice, "British… binge!?"
"Mr. Blik," said Gordon sternly as he walked back out into the hallway, looking not all scared of him when Blik scowled. "The lad you claim is Bad news is very polite and upright citizen! I'm surprised you didn't offend him when he came in here earlier!"
An unfazed Blik countered Gordon's argument with, "I'm surprised you still garner Kimberly's attention with all that Fat! Ha!"
"That was just a low blow, Mr. Blik. Really, Really, low."
"Yeah, you know what?" asked Mr. Blik, "To me, I've found that this particular brand of insulting is incidentally more kick-ass to me than that short-lived cheesy Spin off of the "Sabrina, The Teenage Witch" series, "Sabrina, the Teenage Bitch", on Channel 63."
(Flash to The T.V. Screen)
Salem the Cat: Aw, Sabrina! I can't reach the food up in the cabinet! Can you feed me?
Sabrina: Uh… no!!
"So," Waffle asked the Horse sitting in the living room with a bored, uninterested look on his face, "You like the Tea? It's Jensen-favor! My favorite kind of flavor!!"
Mr. Horse sniffed the cup uninterestedly and said darkly, "No, sir, Waffle, I don't like it!"
Waffle was laughing uproariously before he suddenly stopped and said just as darkly, "Excuse me?"
"No sir, I don't like it!" Mr. Horse repeated, throwing down the cup in a proud fury. "I don't like it at all!"
Waffle's eyes simply turned in flaming pools of Hellfire and picking up the nearby, 90MM Blast Machine gun shrieked in a squeaky angry voice, "YOU SON OF BITCH!!! I'M GONNA BLAST YOUR BALLS TO FUCKING OBLIVION, YEAH!!!"
"Yikes!" Mr. Horse screamed ducking behind the couch, cowering in fear as a berserker Waffle suddenly fired madly into every direction like a wild maniac. Mr. Horse didn't bother staying in one place and then jumped clear out of the way from the room. No need to have split heads here, especially not when you had a Cat wielding military designated gun ware.
"OH YEAH!!!" the enraged Waffle screamed out loud like a lunatic, eyes so consumed, "THAT'LL TEACH YOU TO STEEL FROM MY TEA!!!! FEEL MY FURRY, FLEETING, FATAL STING, YOU MOTHER FU-!!!!"
"WAAAAAAFFLLLLLEEEE!!!" the equally earth-shattering scream bellowed in the living room, and Waffle finally snapped back to normal. But when he did, he his mouth fell open in horror, and anybody else certainly would have in Waffle's place, seeing how the living room had a gigantic hole in the wall, destroyed furniture, broken glass, and empty machine gun bullet shells, and a completely freaked out horse, shaking terribly like a tree in a gale. And yet, Waffle didn't even know where to begin in seeing all the damage he caused. And to add insult to injury, Blik screamed at the top of his lungs, "You Idiot!! You completely destroyed our T.V.!!!"
The T.V. did happen to have several bulletholes in it, but Waffle wasn't concerned about that at all. Next it was Mr. Horse's turn to scream. "You're (BEEPING) crazy!!! You need to be locked up!! Away From DECENT, NORMAL, PEOPLE!! WHAT KIND OF A LUNATIC ARE YOU!?"
Gordon walked in on the ugly mess and the 2 angry faces of Mr. Horse and Mr. Blik at Waffle and went, "I guess this would be a bad time to mention Mr. Horse is our new Neighbor and was coming over to say hi, and he happened to greet Katilda earlier?"
Waffle's paw still rested on the trigger for no reason as he kept trying to catch quick breaths and neither Mr. Horse nor Mr. Blik paid Gordon any mind.
"Well Waffle?" Blik hissed vehemently at his brother. "What do you have to say for yourself?"
Waffle didn't know what to say, so looking extremely embarrassed he said, "You can lead a horse to Water but you can't make it drink?"
"And you said, "You can lead a horse to Water but You can't Make it drink"?"
"Yep."
"And the whole place was a mess," Hovis elaborated himself.
"Where were you?"
"Out for groceries, Waffle! I thought I told you about that!"
"Well no you didn't," Waffle denied.
"Yes I did," Hovis countered him.
Waffle opened his mouth to protest but found himself unable. Hovis was only there for verbal support, since Blik had specifically ordered Waffle clean up the atrocious mess made exactly about 5 hours ago, and it was already well into the evening. Sighing miserably and tiredly, Waffle glanced over the debris he didn't exactly remember in his blind fit rage he destroyed before picking up the nearby broom and was surprised that Hovis stepped up beside him with an astray, smiling. Blik never said anything about Waffle not having any help; Waffle smiled back, as a friendly hand went down to rub his head.
"Okay, okay, so, MAYBE I might have remembered, but I was only "suppressing" it," Waffle gaily lied.
"Sure, sure," Hovis agreed unenthusiastically, "and you just needed an excuse to "horse" around, right?"
"Well yeah, James, I- Hey!!"
The old butler would've died laughing if not for an annoyed Waffle elbowing him in the stomach before they got back to work.
The EndInspired by a Robot Chicken Episode. I forgot which.