A/N: a crack fic based off of Eddie Izzard's Death Star Canteen skit.

The Penne a la Arabiata Pub

Lord Voldemort had just walked into the Penne a la Arabiata Pub for a typical boring lunch of a random food he pulled out of the recesses of his mind. Great, today the server was that Ron kid from Gryffindor. "I will have the penne a la arabiata." He said walking up to the table.

"You'll need a tray." Ron said.

"Do you know who I am?" Voldemort asked

"Do you know who I am?"

"This is not a game of who the fuck are you. For I am Voldemort. Tom Riddle. Lord Voldemort. I can kill you with a single flick of my hand!"

"Well you'll still need a tray."

"No I will not need a tray. I do not need a tray to kill you. I can kill you without a tray, with the power of my killing curse - which is strong within me - even though I could kill you with a tray if I so wished. For I would hack at your neck with the thin bit until the blood flowed across the pub's floor…"

"No, the food is hot. You'll need a tray to put the food on."

"Oh I see, the food is hot. I'm sorry I, I did not realize. Hah hah! I thought you were challenging me to a fight to the death."

"Fight to the death? This is a pub, I work here."

"Yes, but I am Voldemort, I am Lord Voldemort. Everyone challenges me to a fight to the death. Lord Voldemort. Tom Riddle, I am Tom Riddle, Lord Voldemort. Sir Lord Voldemort, Sir Lord Tom Riddle. Lord Voldemort Sir Lord Voldmort of Cheam. Sir Lord Baron von Voldemortham. The Death Eaters. I run the Death Eaters."

"What's the Death Eaters?"

"The Death Eaters, the strongest people there are. You're afraid of the Death Eaters. I run these people."

"You rule over people?"

"Yes I rule over fucking people - I rule them. I'm your superior."

"You're Dumbledore?"

"No, I'm… who is Dumbledore?"

"He's the founder of the Order of the Phoenix!"

"I'm not the founder of the Order of the Phoenix! I am Voldemort. I can kill the Order of the Phoenix with a wave of my wand."

"What?"

"I can kill you all. I can kill me with a wave of my mind. Just… I'll get a tray, fuck it!" Voldemort went to get a tray, going through them all. "This one's wet, and this one's wet, and this one's wet. This one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet. Did you dry these in a rain forest? Why, with the power of the Death Eaters, do we not have a tray that is fucking dry? I do not…" Draco stepped in front of Voldemort in line. "No, no, no. I was here first."

"You have to form a queue if you want food. Can I have, oh, penne a la arabiata, that looks nice." Draco asked, picking something random as well.

"No, no, no. D'you know who I am?"

"That's Severus Snape, that is." Ron said, nodding in Voldemort's direction.

"I am not Severus Snape, I am Lord Voldemort."

"What, Severus Snape rules over the Death Eaters?"

"No, Severus… No, I rule over the Death Eaters."

"You Severus Snape?"

"No, I'm Lord Voldemort!"

"Are you his brother? Can you get his autograph?" Draco asked, holding out a piece of paper.

"I can't get it… No, I'm… All right, I'm Severus Snapei! I'm Severus Snape!"

"Can I have your autograph?" Draco asked, his eyes shining passionately.

"No, fuck off, or I'll kill you with a tray! Give me penne a la arabiata or you shall die. And you, and everyone in this pub! Death by tray it shall be!"

A/N: haha… I don't think this has been done for Harry Potter before… hope you enjoyed it!

Review please?