Sometimes I Wish for the Russian Front

"But Kommandant," an alarmed Leutnant Paul Bergman sputtered as he followed his commanding officer down the steps of Klink's private quarters. "You can't leave, Hauptmann Gruber hasn't returned from the conference in Munich." Bergman struggled to keep in step with Klink's long strides but found his shorter legs were not up to the task. He had fallen a few steps behind which caused him to have to run several steps in order to catch up. "And Hauptmann Lieber is still on leave."

"Nonsense Bergman," Klink said discounting the young man's concern with a wave of his hand. "It is time that you got some command experience. Besides I will only be gone forty-eight hours. Not even you could foul things up in that space of time."

As they rounded the building, Oberfeldwebel Schultz and Obergefreiter Langenscheidt were loading the last of the luggage onto the trunk of the staff car. Both seemed to be in the middle of their own disagreement.

"But Feldwebel," said Langenscheidt, "you're the ranking NCO. Your place is here, not doing such a menial task as driving the Kommandant."

"No, I need to personally ensure the safety of Kommandant Klink. It is my duty," countered Schultz while jutting out his chin and tapping himself on the chest with his thumb.

Langenscheidt rolled his eyes at the larger man but held his tongue.

"Is everything packed and ready to go?" Klink asked as he approached the enlisted men.

"Everything is as you ordered it Herr Kommandant," replied Schultz as he came to attention and saluted Klink.

"Good, then we need to be on our way," Klink said as Langenscheidt opened the left rear passenger's door. Klink climbed into the back without so much as a glance at the young Obergefreiter who was busy saluting and trying to close the door.

"Hurry up Schultz. I want to get there before sundown," Klink bellowed at Schultz as he tried to squeeze his large frame behind the steering wheel.

Grasping the edge of the open window Bergman attempted to plead his case once again. "Please Kommandant. I have no command experience. You cannot leave me in charge. "

"After today you will not be able to say that, will you?" Klink said as he waved Schultz to drive on, leaving the young Leutnant standing there with a growing sense of dread. He turned to Langenscheidt and with a weary sigh said, "Follow me Obergefreiter. You are going to be my personal aide until our master returns. Just remember, if I fail, so do you." Without another word, Bergman turned and mounted the steps of the Kommandantur with Langenscheidt trailing behind.

The activity in the compound had not been missed by the ever vigilant eyes of the men occupying Barracks Two. Hogan closed the window in his private quarters and turned to his four top men. "So Ol' Blood and Guts is taking a holiday; most convenient of him."

"Do you think this is a planned scarpa or is he up to something?" asked Newkirk.

"When isn't Klink up to something?" remarked LeBeau.

"Do you think we should go ahead with the plan or wait for him to come back?" asked the youngest of the Heroes.

"I think we need to find out where our beloved leader has run off to and why," replied Hogan as he put on his crush cap and exited into the common area.

"And if Klink has something up his sleeve?" asked a nervous Kinch as he followed behind the Senior POW Officer.

"We'll just have to deal with it then. Nothing can get in the way of our plans. We put in too much time and planning for it to be fouled up now. Understood?"

A round of 'yes sirs' echoed around Hogan. Smiling he put his foot on the bench at the table, rested an arm on his leg and began going over the details of their latest caper.

HHHHHHHH

A few hours into his stint as acting Kommandant, Bergman sat in the Kommandant's office trying to forget his misery by burying himself in the mundane day to day paperwork that is required when running a Stalag. A quick light tap sounded at his door but before he had a chance to look up from his work, Hogan breezed into his office and sat down in the chair in front of the desk. Bergman let out a soft sigh as he regarded the Senior POW. He had been stationed at the camp long enough to notice the American often danced mental circles around the Kommandant. To be honest, the man often played not only Klink for a fool but Burkhalter as well. Bergman shifted uneasily in his chair as he did not feel comfortable trying to match wits with this man.

"I did not call for you Colonel Hogan," Bergman said nervously. He cleared his throat in an attempt to try and put some authority behind his voice. "Whatever you want, it can wait until the Kommandant returns. "

Hogan pushed back his crush cap and gave Bergman one of his best boyish grins. "So where is our industrious leader and how long will he be gone?" Hogan said as he pulled a thick pile of papers from his A-2 jacket. He waited a moment for the acting Kommandant to reply. When none came he began to read from the papers in his hand. "Let's see what we have here. The residents of Barracks five are complaining about flea bites." Hogan looked up and regarded Bergman briefly before asking, "When was the last time those dogs of yours had a bath?"

Frowning with impatience Bergman replied, "If your men have fleas from the dogs it must be due to all the escape attempts. No escape attempts, no coming into contact with the dogs and no fleas. Of course, out of due respect to your rank, I will not point out the obvious and remind you those dogs are cleaner than your men."

"Which leads us to Barrack Sixteen, who complains they have no running water inside the barracks to include the night latrine," Hogan replied ignoring Bergman's insult.

"As you are well aware of Colonel, Obergefreiter Schneider our plumber was transferred to the Russian Front last November and we do not have a replacement for him."

"So what do my men do in the mean time?"

"May I suggest a bucket? Really Colonel, all these complaints can wait until the Kommandant has returned."

"And when might that be?"

"Two days. Now can I please get back to my work?"

Hogan leaned forward and smiled. "Where has he gone?"

"To visit his mother. Now if this interrogation is over, I have work to do," cried Bergman as he threw down his pencil in frustration.

Hogan leaned back in his chair still smiling at the frustrated Leutnant. "See that wasn't hard was it. Think about all the time we could have saved if you had just….."

"Get out! Get out! Get out!" yelled Bergman as spit flew from his mouth.

Lazily Hogan got up and made his way to the door. "As you wish Herr Kommandant," Hogan said with a smirk before disappearing into the outer office.

Bergman rummaged through the desk draws until he found the bottle of Aspirin. Swallowing four tablets without water made him grimace. It's going to be a long two days. I am not going to make it.

Hogan's men met him outside the Kommandantur with eager anticipation.

"Well Colonel?" asked Kinch.

"Klink is visiting his mother and won't be back for two days," Hogan replied as he hooked his thumbs in his jacket pockets.

Since when does Klink go on family visits?" asked an incredulous LeBeau.

"Since now," replied Hogan.

"So is everything still on Colonel?" Carter asked.

"Everything proceeds as planned."

Kinch opened his mouth to reply but the words were cut off by the arrival of a black staff car coming through the gates. It stopped in the middle of a compound and a Schutzstaffel Obertruppführer and Sturmbannführer exited the vehicle and quickly mounted the steps to the Kommandantur.

"Well, what do we have here?" Hogan said more to himself than his men.

"Colonel, I feel an urgent need for a cup of coffee," Kinch replied smiling at his superior officer.

"Kinch my man, you read my mind."

A/N:

Leutnant Bergman is an established character. Although never seen, he is referenced in "The Return of Bonacelli" and "A Russian Is Coming". His first name is my invention.

Obergefreiter Schneider: Never seen but referenced in Knights in Shining Armour.

Schutzstaffel: SS

Obertruppführer: Master Sergeant in the SS.

Sturmbannführer: Major in the SS.