Ah, summer break. The perfect time for leisure, recreation, and taking it taking it easy… if you have time for that, of course.
The obligatory pilot episode exposition could barely be heard over the rabid screeches of the titanic beast pursuing its prey: two young boys in a golf cart.
"We made it angry! Come on, can't you go any faster?!" Screamed the passenger, a boy with messy hair and band-aids on his knees and elbows. The boy driving lifted one six-fingered hand to adjust his glasses, keeping the other practically glued to the wheel.
My name is Ford, Ford narrated. Short for Stanford. My brother over there is Stan, short for Stanley. Yes, our parents weren't very creative, and yes, there's a perfectly rational explanation as to why we're fleeing from a beast of unspeakable horror in a rickety old golf cart.
This all began when our mom and dad decided we could use a summer away from home. Before we even knew it; it was goodbye to New Jersey, and hello to Relativity Falls, Oregon.
Relativity Falls is home to many legends of paranormal origin. Ghosts and werewolves, Bigfoot and Mothman… they're all there, or so the folk tales claim. Nobody really believes them, but my great aunt Mabel– or as she has asked to be called, Grauntie Mabel– does take some inspiration from them.
Mabel is an… interesting person. She's transformed her house into a gallery and gift shop called the Mystery Shack. It's full of monsters and mysteries she's found in the forest, stuffed and propped up for all the world to see!
…At least, that's what the advertisements say. I've always loved stories of supernatural phenomena, so I was ecstatic to finally meet Mabel and see what the Mystery Shack had to offer. But then I realized it was all fake. Regular animals and objects, sewn and melted and jammed together until they were unrecognizable.
"Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor to present to you the most distinguished of creatures in all the world. Savor its awe-inspiring beauty and charm. Behold: the magnificent, the majestic, the mighty Sascrotch!" Mabel announced, yanking a curtain into her hands to show the tourists the fantastical magic of a King Kong action figure wearing underwear. Both she and the tourists burst into laughter at the sight of it.
Everyone knew Mabel's attractions were nonsense. She was an artist at heart, and the art she made was… erm… unique. But I still felt scammed. I had gotten my hopes up for nothing.
Even if Mabel was a scam, she was at least very nice. She always had something nice or funny to say, usually both. And her sweater collection was very impressive. With her around, I felt reassured that however boring the summer would be, at least it would be nice, with the company of my brother, my Grauntie Mabel, and the two Mystery Shack employees; Maria Ramírez and Dan Corduroy.
"Ford? Stan? I need you over in the gift shop!" Mabel shouted up the stairway, the day after the twins had arrived.
"We'll be right there, just need to finish something up!" Stanley said staring at his phone in anticipation. When he finally received a text, he was crestfallen.
"Aww, you have to be kidding me. How could she not want to go out with me? I sent her that video with the lizard eating its own tail!" Stan pouted.
"Maybe the video is what deterred her." Ford said, slipping a bookmark into the final pages of his novel as he got to his feet.
"Going into the summer with the sole intention of finding a 'smoking hot West Coast babe', as you described it, probably isn't the best idea, either. Focus on that too much, and before you know it, summer will be over! Just like The Case of the Caper-Case Capers… remind me to ask Mabel to take me to the library. If I don't find a new book soon, it won't be long before I go stir-crazy!" He said as he followed Stan down the stairs.
"Yeah, yeah. Let's just see what Grauntie Mabel wants." Stan said as they arrived in the gift shop. Fiery in hair color and temperament, Dan was passionately mopping the floor, while Maria sat at the register and played with the bobbleheads.
"There my favorite grand-nephews are!" Mabel said, pinching their cheeks. Ford could see her cheeks rise into her cat-eye glasses. Her pink sweater with a shooting star on it perfectly complemented her purple skirt, dark red tights, and purple top hat (the hat was reserved for tours of the shack).
"I don't think you have any other grand-nephews. So, what did you want from us?" Stan asked.
"I've decided, it's time you two get a job here at the Mystery Shack. Your salary starts at fifty cents and one big smile per day. How does that sound, boys?" Mabel asked.
"Don't you at least have to pay us the minimum wage, if we're gonna work for you?" Ford pointed out.
"Hey, whose roof are you living under, anyways? Any-who, your first task is simple. Stan, I need you to go around town and hang up these flyers. Ford, you get to hang up flyers in the forest." Mabel said, giving them each a pile of flyers and a hammer.
"The forest? Why, do you want make sure the owls know to visit the shack?" Stan chuckled.
"Well, I certainly wouldn't object to some new customers." Mabel laughed. "Have fun, you two!" She said, Waddles the pig following her into the living room.
"Be careful out there, Ford. They say that forest is home to ghouls and monsters of all kinds!" Maria teased him.
"That's a load of malarkey. I've been through every inch of that forest, and I've never found anything out of the ordinary! Although… heh, maybe those creeps are all scared of me! Smart of them!" Dan said, raising his mop to the sky for effect. "Ow!" He exclaimed when soap splashed in his eyes.
"You'll tell me if you do find anything neat or valuable-looking, right? The Stan-O-War may be back in New Jersey, but we can still start our treasure hunting career early."
"Of course, Stan. I doubt I'll find anything of value, though. It's just a forest." Ford said, stepping out the door.
When Ford was out in the forest, he strolled along the trail, nailing a flyer to every sixth tree. He had put up eighteen flyers when his hammer made a metallic chunk against the tree.
"Huh?" Ford said, hammering at the tree some more. He ran his fingers across it, and soon realized he had stumbled across a hidden door. He yanked it open, revealing a dusty metal cabinet built into the tree. A box with switches and an antennae sat in it, and when both switches were flicked, Ford heard a grating sound, and looked around to see a similar metal hole appearing in the ground. Scrambling over to the hole, Ford peered past the dust and cobwebs to see what lied at the bottom of the hole.
"A… a book?" Ford said, reaching into the hole and taking out an old book. The worn blue leather of the cover was embellished with a pine tree cut from gold foil, with the number 3 written on it.
"Woah…" Ford said, opening the book and peering at the garbled handwriting through the eyeglass attached. "I'm truly amazed that it's been a whole decade since I first came here to investigate the mysteries of Relativity Falls, Oregon. In this journal, I will continue to catalog my findings. Signed… huh." Ford mumbled. The name had been frantically covered in a pitch-black blot of sharpie ink. Ford flipped through the first few pages, and his eyes began to shine. Gnomes, monsters, fairies, ghosts… this 'journal' had detailed, scientific reports of all those creatures and more. Ford flipped through page after page of the book, awed at the level of detail and precision put into the whole thing.
"This is intense… I was starting to wonder if supernatural phenomena really existed, but with the amount of detail and research put into all of this, there's no way– oh." Ford stopped at a page with one paragraph scribbled onto it.
"My suspicions have been confirmed. HE is watching me. I must hide my work, and then… Beware, whoever discovers this. In Relativity Falls, there is nobody you can trust."
Ford flipped to the next page. Nothing. Then to the next page. Still nothing. The rest of the pages were blank.
"Nobody I can trust?" Ford echoed.
"Yeah. Not even me!" Stan's voice shouted into Ford's ear.
"Wha– where'd you come from?!" Ford said, startled.
"I put all the posters on one street light. Then I messed around for a bit, and then I figured I'd come find you. So, what are you reading now?" Stan said, sitting down beside his brother.
"Uhhh… nothing." Ford lied, slamming the book shut.
"Aww, come on! I won't tell anyone else! Can't you at least let your brother in on your nerd stuff?" Stan said. Ford bit his lip.
"…Fine. But let's head back to the Mystery Shack, first." Ford sighed.
Back in their room in the attic, Ford opened up the journal for Stan to see.
"This journal is a catalogue of all sorts of supernatural creatures and phenomena, that supposedly all coexists within Relativity Falls Valley! I was starting to wonder if I was just being silly and paranoid, but with this…" Ford trailed off, still amazed.
"That's incredible, bro! And you know what's even more incredible?" Stan said.
"What?" Ford asked, as the doorbell rang.
"I already have a new best non-sibling friend!" Stan said, running out the door and jumping down the staircase. Ford followed him, and they arrived in the living room of the Mystery Shack. Stan opened the door, revealing his new best friend to be a hunched-over teenager wearing jeans and a black hoodie, half of his pale face obscured by brown hair.
"Sup." The teenager said. Ford didn't move for a few seconds, before nodding slowly and stepping forward.
"Yeah… uh, hello. What's your name, again?" Ford asked.
"Normal… normal man… nor…"
"He means Norman. We met at the cemetery! We're cemetery buddies now!" Stan said.
"Oh, that's so… interesting. Norman, are you bleeding?" Ford said, inching backwards.
"It's jam." Norman replied.
"Well if you like jam, you came to the right place! Grauntie Mabel, can my friend and I have some of those jam cookies in the pantry?" Stan called into the gift shop.
"Well of course! Have fun, you two!" Mabel replied, in the middle of a tour.
"You want any cookies, Ford?" Stan asked.
"No, I'll be hanging out in the attic. I have reading to do." Ford said.
"More cookies for me! Race you, Norman!" Stan said, bounding into the kitchen while Ford went upstairs and settled down on a cushioned seat by the window. He opened up the journal and began to flip absentmindedly through the pages.
"I'm glad Stan finally has some new friends, but something about Norman is off… and I intend to find out just what."
"Let's see… oh! These creatures are known for their pale skin, bad attitudes, and poor posture. That sounds like Norman. Beware Relativity Falls' nefarious… oh no." Ford said, looking out the window to the picnic table where Norman and Stan sat. Norman turned around to face the Mystery Shack, mouth stained with bright red.
"ZOMBIE!" Ford screamed.
"Crombie? Did you just hear someone say crombie? I don't think that's even a word. We should make that a word, I like the way it sounds." Stan said over at the picnic table, face covered in the same bright red jam of store brand cookies.
Ford watched his brother talk with Norman at the picnic table, shuddering.
"Could Stan's new friend really be a zombie? Or am I just going insane?" Ford said, slumping onto the cushions.
"Brains, BRAINS!" A familiar voice said, as Ford felt Maria's soft hands on his shoulders. So startled that he nearly jumped off the seat, Ford turned to face Maria.
"Oh, Maria. Sorry you had to hear that, I probably sound nuts to everybody else." Ford said.
"Don't worry, I believe you." Maria said, patting him on the back.
"Really?" Ford asked.
"I can feel it in my bones, strange things are lurking in the shadows of this town. Like the clerk at the copier store, that always speaks in rhyme. But other people may not believe you, without any evidence. They'll think you've gone loco!" Maria said, moving on to vacuum the next room.
"Of course, of course. Evidence… gotta find evidence." Ford said. He spent the rest of the day following Stan and Norman, recording their actions. Playing at the arcade, getting a huge platter of pancakes to share, setting up and playing what was arguably the world's most confusing game of hopscotch… it was all normal Stan stuff. Ford was starting to get discouraged, when Norman finally had to go to the bathroom at the pizza parlor, leaving Stan sitting at the booth by himself.
"Hey, Stan." Ford said, slipping into the booth to sit opposite of his brother.
"Ford? What are you doing here?" Stan asked.
"We need to talk about Norman." Ford explained.
"He's so cool, isn't he? After pizza, we're going to have a leaf blower sword fight!" Stan said.
"Look, I'm glad you're making friends, but there's something about Norman that's… off." Ford said, pushing the journal forward, and opening it to… the gnome's page.
"Gnomes… pffft, that's rich, Ford! Yeah, he's just a bunch of tiny little men stacked together!" Stan burst out laughing.
"My bad, my bad. I meant to open it to… this page." Ford said. Stan took the book into his hands, looking over the page as a scowl developed on his face.
"A zombie? Ford, this had better be a joke." Stan grumbled.
"It's not! Why would I ever lie about something like this?" Ford replied.
"Because you can't accept that I have the guts to go out and meet new people, and you think that just because you don't want to make new friends, that I shouldn't get to either. That's not cool, Ford!" Stan said.
"But Stan, I seriously think that–"
"Shut up! I finally have someone who likes me just because of who I am, and not because of blood. I won't let you ruin it for me!" Stan said. Then, Norman came out from the bathroom.
"Sup." Norman said once again.
"Norman, we're leaving." Stan said, getting up and marching out the door. Norman followed him, and they got onto the tandem bicycle they had rented, pedaling away before Ford could say anything. Ford sighed, slouching in the booth.
"Aww, man. I messed this up big-time, didn't I." Ford said. He watched the footage he had recorded once again. "Stan is right, I'm being selfish and paranoid. Norman's a regular guy, and I've been treating him so unfa– wait, what the heck?!"
Ford rewound the footage to make sure he wasn't hallucinating. He had seen it right the first time: Norman's hand fell off, and then reattached without a problem when he ducked down to grab it.
"Norman– Norman's a zombie! I have to go warn Stan!" Ford said, rushing out the door. Stan and Norman has discussed going to the forest, and there was no way he could chase them there on foot. When he saw Dan driving by in a golf cart, he ran up beside him.
"Dan! Dan, I need to use the golf cart to save Stan from a zombie!" Ford shouted. To his surprise, Dan stopped instantly, and handed him the keys as he got out.
"There's an axe in the back!"
"Thanks!" Ford said as he drove off as fast as the cart would go. "Don't worry, Stan! I'm coming to save you!"
In a clearing in the forest, Norman and Stan sat beside each other. Stan was humming something he had heard on the radio, and Norman stared blankly ahead.
"I know, right?" Stan said when he saw Norman's emotionless expression. "This song is perfect for when you just need to chill."
"Yeah… uh, Stan? There's something I need to tell you. Something big, you know?" Norman said.
"Sure." Stan said, he and Norman standing up to face each other.
"It's pretty weird, so I'm gonna need you to keep an open mind, okay? Don't freak out." Norman said, as he lifted off his hoodie. Five gnomes piled together in the shape of a person stood where he had been.
"…What?"
"This is too weird, isn't it? You need to sit down? Ohh man, do I have some explaining to do." The gnome on top said. "So… we're gnomes. Glad we got that out of the way. I'm Jeff, and that's Carson, Steve, Jason, and… I'm sorry, I always forget your name."
"Shmebulock."
"Right! Shmebulock!" Jeff said. "So, anyway. Us gnomes have been looking for a new king for a very long time!" He explained, earning a series of excited murmurs from the rest of the gnomes.
"And let me guess… you want me to be that king? To like, rule over you and stuff?" Stan said.
"And to use as a human sacrifice to the spirits of the forest, in case of a famine or severe storm!" Jeff said.
"What?!" Stan gasped, nearly bounding backwards.
"Well, yeah. What do you think happened to the last one?" Jeff said.
"You're insane! That's murder!" Stan said, stumbling backwards. He tripped over a branch, and fell to the ground.
"Well hey, someone's gotta do it." Jeff shrugged. "Gnomes, attack!" He called the other gnomes forth to battle. They tackled Stan to the ground, and he found himself in a loop: wrestling one gnome off of him just for another one to take its place.
"I'm coming for you, Stan!" Ford's scream interrupted everyone, as he drove right into the clearing in a golf cart.
"Ford! Norman's actually a bunch of gnomes or whatever!" Stan said, still fighting the gnomes. Ford's jaw dropped open.
"Gnomes? Well, that's… not what I was expecting." Ford said, pulling out the journal and opening it to the gnomes' page. "Gnomes: little men of the forests of Relativity Falls. Do not accept any offers of companionship, as they may kidnap you to become their monarch and/or human sacrifice."
"Figured that one out already, Ford!" Stan said, kicking away gnomes as they tried to bite at his ankles and crawl their way up him.
"Right!" Ford said, getting the axe from the back of the cart. "Back off from my brother! Or else!" He said, brandishing the axe.
"Or else what?" Jeff said, right before Ford sent two gnomes flying into the trees with the blunt side of the axe.
"Why, you audacious little brat… you think you can defeat us gnomes? You underestimate us, boy, for the gnomes are a powerful–"
"Kick!" Stan said as he punted Jeff into the trees. He and Ford clamored into the golf cart and took off as fast as they can.
"We gotta get out of here!" Ford wailed as he turned a corner.
"Where's the rush? You saw those little legs, they'll never catch up to us." Stan laughed.
"Stan, they tried to kidnap you! And murder you, eventually!" Ford said, incredulous.
"Still doesn't change how cute they are, with all their big talk and their–"
"STANLEY!" A deep voice screamed. The twins looked over their shoulder to see a gnome bigger than a house chasing them.
"That one is so big!" Ford gasped.
"It's not one, it's all of them! Now, eyes on the road!" Stan replied. The golf cart went as fast as it could, but the gnomes were closing in. When the giant gnome raised its hand to the sky, the twins swerved out of the way, and barely dodged as the hand came crashing down onto the ground. Several gnomes were scattered to the trees, and the rest of them growled in unison.
"We made it angry! Come on, can't you go any faster?" Stan screamed. The gnomes that had been scattered into the forest leaped onto the cart.
"Back off, you elf creeps!" Stan said, punching the nearest few away.
"WE ARE NOT ELVES!" The giant gnome roared, picking up speed. It ripped a pine tree out of the ground and hurled it forward. Gritting his teeth, Ford slammed his foot on the gas, riding up the tree like a ramp and reaching eye level with the gnome amalgamation.
"Just give in, Stan! There's nowhere to run or hide!" Jeff snarled, as a gnome leaped onto Ford's face.
Ford screamed, and the golf cart spun out as it hit the ground.
"I gotcha, bro!" Stan said, punching Ford in the face with enough force to knock the gnome loose.
"Thaaanks…" Ford mumbled, hands back on the wheel as he resumed driving. The Mystery Shack was in sight, and Ford slammed on the breaks at the last second, and the cart overturned right before it could crash into the shack. Ford and Stan crawled out, panting in exhaustion. The giant gnome stomped up to them.
"We have you cornered, Stanley! Surrender before we do something crazy!" Stan was quiet for a moment.
"Looks like I have no choice." Stan sighed.
"What?! Stan, you heard what they're going to do to you. You can't go with them!" Ford said.
"Trust me, bro. I know what I'm doing." Stan said. He stepped forward, raising his hands in the air. "Alright, Jeff. I surrender."
"Yippee!" Jeff said, hopping right on down. "Now, let's get you back to the forest. The coronation ceremony awaits!"
"But first, I need to say goodbye to my brother." Stan said. He caught Ford in a tight hug. Ford opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted by the sound of the leaf blower turning on. The next thing he knew, Stan was brandishing the leaf blower like a sword, with Jeff being sucked into it.
"Hey, this isn't part of the agreement! Let me go!" Jeff screamed. Stan replied by punching him in further.
I
"Care to do the honors?" Stan said to Ford.
"On three, two, one!" Ford said as they launched Jeff at the rest of the gnomes. It was a brilliant explosion of beard hair, and when all the gnomes were scattered onto the ground, it took one look at the twins to send them all running for their lives.
Stan sighed. "Well, my first new friend here turned out to be a bunch of gnomes in a hoodie. Isn't that great." He said as he leaned against the wall.
"I'm sorry, Stan. I should have gone about this a lot better." Ford sighed.
"Are you kidding me? Ford, you saved my life! I didn't even know you could be so cool!" Stan said, patting him on the back.
"Really?" Ford said.
"Yeah. So what if my first new friend was a disappointment? I still have you." Stan said.
"High six?" Ford said, raising his hand.
"High six." Stan said, slapping his hand against Ford's with a smile.
"Woah, what happened to you two?" Mabel gasped when Stan and Ford walked inside the gift shop.
"Relativity Falls happened, Grauntie. Relativity Falls happened." Stan sighed.
"Yeah, I getcha. Hey, tell you what. How about you each take one free item from the gift shop? On the house." Mabel said. Smiles grew on the twins' faces, and they set themselves loose on the gift shop. "These also count as your bar mitzvah gifs, so choose wisely!" Mabel added after a while.
"Hmm… hmm… hmmmmmmmm…" Stan said, investigating a rack of accessories. He settled on a burgundy neckerchief, with a yellow emblem. "PAC-Man with a tail! Nice. What are you going to get, Ford?" He asked his brother, turning on the fan to pose dramatically in the "wind". A grin appeared on Ford's face.
"Crossbow!" Ford exclaimed, thrusting his choice into the air. Mabel looked surprised.
"…Sure, why not. Now how about you two get on to bed?" She said. The twins nodded and made their way upstairs.
"Hey, have you seen my crossbow?" Dan asked, opening the door to peek through.
"Not recently." Mabel said.
This journal says that there is nobody in Relativity Falls that you can trust. But… Ford wrote on a blank page of the journal. When you battle a hundred gnomes side by side with someone, you realize they probably have your back.
"Can you get the light?" Stan asked. Ford nodded, and fired a crossbow bolt through the lantern.
"It works!" Ford exclaimed, while Stan laughed at the shattered remains of the lantern.
Grauntie Mabel said that there's nothing weird going on in this town. But after something like this? Who knows what secrets are waiting to be discovered.
Pink bunny slippers tiptoed through the shack, coming to a stop in front of the vending machine. "Three letters back, right? Of course. My memory never fails me."
An old light bulb flickered, and then the room was empty.
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