Disclaimer:The characters Neon Genesis Evangelion depicted in this story are the legal property of Hideaki Anno, Gainax, Tatsunoko Productions, Production L.G., Star Child, etc. No infringement is intended; no profit is being made.
Shooting upright in a near blind panic, Shinji Ikari awoke in a cold sweat. The boy gasped raggedly as he quickly took stock of his surroundings. The fear of finding strange creatures writhing in the shadows of the night almost overwhelmed him, before he realized that he was where he should be and that the horrors hadn't followed him from his dreamscape. The familiarity of his room was comforting, even in the darkness of the night. Inside the boy's chest, his heart still hammered away mercilessly, driven by the terrible visions of his dreams. The mostly buried memories of Instrumentality forced themselves to be heard in the Third Child's sleep. As such, the nights that Shinji found restful slumber were few and far between.
Glancing across the room, the boy took in the glowing red numbers which glared mockingly back at him from his desk. Three in the morning. Letting out sigh, he allowed himself fall back onto his pillow. His bed had grown uncomfortably warm in his sleep, despite the slight autumn chill in the air. Shinji remembered a time as a child when he could cover his head in his blankets and feel perfectly safe from any imagined monsters. Of course, such simple comforts were beyond him now. Time and the knowledge gained growing up had stolen the only reassuring aspect of his childhood from him.
Staring at the off-white ceiling, he gathered his thoughts and tried to remember the strange visions that made up his nightmares. As with every other occasion, the images in his sleep evaded close scrutiny, fading from memory and leaving only the remembrance of abstract terror.
The young, ex-pilot still couldn't completely piece together exactly what had transpired between seeing the mangled remains of Unit-02 and waking in the sea of LCL. Whatever had happened had muddled his memories, warped his recollection. He couldn't remember any specific thing during that time. The Third Child wondered if that was a good thing or not. Perhaps, those who had returned simply made themselves forget that world in order to be happy in this one. Certainly, a large portion of the already dwindled population had yet to return from that place, even a year after the Third Impact. But, if indeed there had been some peace to be found in that place, why hadn't he found it? Didn't he deserve some sort of satisfaction? Had his choice to return been the correct one? Not for the first time he pondered the question deeply.
"Maybe," the boy wondered aloud, "I made a mistake coming back."
The truth of that world was lost to Shinji, and for good reason. Losing himself in that endless sea of humanity, that boundless world of flesh and bone and spirit, had simply been too different. The world and the collective human body stretched in every direction for as far as could be imagined. It expanded in every dimension and warped into strange angles that were unfathomable by human minds. That type of existence wasn't something mere humans were supposed to understand. However, the soul is a strange and resilient thing. The wonders and horrors of that place had found purchase in Shinji's nightmares and would not let go.
Eyeing the ceiling in the pale light of the low hanging moon, the very tired boy wondered, not for the first time, what had happened to him in that strange time and place. It was uncomfortably often that the boy found himself jostled into the waking world by the sights he found in his dreams. Many a time he'd found himself quietly weeping to himself in the wee hours of the morning, only to be unsure of the cause. Looking over at the glowing numbers on the alarm clock again, Shinji shuddered. He hated this time of night, these darkest hours, where men can't find rest, for thoughts of their own mortality. He wasn't always alone on nights like this. On more than one occasion, the boy had overheard Asuka crying softly to herself in the room across from his. The low, almost inaudible, sobbing ripped at his heart and twisted his stomach into knots, but the boy knew better than to go to her.
He'd been bold and made the mistake of trying to comfort her once. After a particularly horrifying dream, she'd woken screaming. It was difficult to tell whether she was simply terrified or in physical pain. In his fear for her wellbeing, he'd rushed to her side, only to find the violently shaking redhead lashing out at him, refusing to be consoled. Shinji wanted desperately to help, but found his throat tight and at a loss for words. In the end he'd left the shuddering girl curled up on her bed sobbing uncontrollably. The rest of the night, he sat outside her room and wept at his own worthlessness, Asuka's sobs drifting through the door.
Asuka never wanted to talk about the dreams, making it difficult to find any sort of common ground. Given what had happened to his comrade, Shinji supposed he understood as well as he could. He decided it was better if he didn't press the matter. It wasn't his place to drag forth such scarring memories into the light of day. Even if he did force her to talk about her experiences, he doubted he'd be much help to. He never was.
What made the dreams even more unnerving was the fact that only he and Asuka seemed to have them. Nobody who'd returned remembered anything much after the death of Kaoru, Mankind's penultimate victory over the Angels. And so, the world returned, unsure of what happened. It was chaos for a while, but one year later, the world was turning again. Only the area in and around Tokyo-3 was completely destroyed, while everything else was, relatively, untouched. So, with capital of Japan being shifted to Tokyo-2, everything went along as it always had. Except, for two scared children cowering in fear of memories they didn't want.
It was at times like this, alone and surrounded by the darkness, that Shinji wondered why some people didn't come back. Did they find happiness in Instrumentality? Was this world too hard for them? Did they ever really exist in the first place? In an effort to flee from the thoughts, Shinji sat up, forced himself out of bed, and ventured into the kitchen for a glass of water. A cool breeze swept through the hall, and Shinji couldn't help be silently complain about the cold floors. Upon entering the kitchen, the Third Child stopped dead when he saw Asuka sitting at the table, bathed in the moonlight pouring in from the window.
Even now, he was taken aback by her striking features, accentuated by the silvery glow. However, now her loveliness was marred by heavy bags under her eyes and the obvious fatigue of sleepless nights. Lifting her darkened eyes, she stared across the room into Shinji's deep cobalt orbs. The two simply looked at one another for a moment that seemed to last for hours. "You too, huh?" Asuka broke the silence with the almost casual observation. Shinji simply nodded.
Without needing to be asked or told, the boy drifted over and sat opposite the beautiful girl. For a long moment neither said a word, both simply glad for the other's company. When someone finally spoke it was Shinji. "How do you feel?" Shinji had learned to stop using wording that made Asuka uncomfortable. The question was a modified version of 'Are you alright?' If she noticed or even cared about the hidden meaning, the weary young woman gave no indication.
Asuka simply shrugged and did her best to sound calm and collected. "I'm tired. I haven't had a decent night's sleep in…God, I don't know how long." Shinji nodded, understanding. The lack of sleep was starting to affect him as well. During the day, the claws of sleep would grasp at him as well, slowing his motions and muddling his thoughts. Every day the ex-pilot found his exhaustion growing steadily as his sleep became less and less restful.
Swallowing hard, Asuka gave her late-night companion a serious look. "Shinji, I know we've never exactly been… on good terms. And, maybe not all of that is your fault…most of it is, but not all." The boy hid a smile, knowing that this was the closest thing to an apology he was going to get from Asuka. Ever. The smile evaporated from his thoughts as Asuka unconsciously rubbed her left eye. "You always tried to talk, and I was…less than accommodating. But now, I need someone to talk to."
Shinji thought he heard the slightest hint of tears in her voice, and more than a little fear. He decided to chalk it up to the lack of sleep. It was less distressing that way. It had been a tough time sharing space for the two pilots. Neither never quite understood exactly what happened during Instrumentality, but both somehow felt an air of uneasiness between them. They'd steered carefully clear of talking about the incident on the beach. It was less distressing that way.
Despite their restlessness he felt in her presence, Shinji still tried to be near Asuka. He cared for her in a way he couldn't easily describe, least of all to himself. He simply knew that he wanted to help the beautiful girl across from him in any way he could. Mustering all of his strength, Shinji reached out and placed his hand over Asuka's. Fighting down the urge to flinch, the girl gave him a hard glare. "I said 'talk to,' not 'molest me.'" Shinji found it odd that even after saying that, Asuka made no move to pull away from the touch. Slowly withdrawing his hand, the Third Child muttered something akin to an apology. As the comfort and warmth of Asuka's hand faded into memory, Shinji felt a stab of disappointment. He wasn't exactly surprised at the reaction, but he'd still hoped she would be able to appreciate the gesture. Shinji pushed the thought aside and waited a moment before speaking again. "What do you dream about?"
The girl's heavily bagged eyes lost focus and became hazy. It was almost as if she were peering at something far away, a sight mercifully hidden from the waking world. A deluge of memories swept through the Teutonic redhead's thoughts: her hanging mother, the 15th Angel's assault on her psyche, the Lance of Longinus, the mind searing agony of being eaten alive by the Eva Series.
"A lot of things."
Somehow, Shinji understood what images were still burned into Asuka's mind and carefully steered the conversation away from her. "What do you think happened?" He didn't need to elaborate. Anyone he asked would have understood what the boy was referring to. Laying her head on her crossed arms, Asuka gave a noncommittal noise. "I'm not sure. I can't really remember anything happening after I….After I lost to the Eva Series." The girl cleared her throat and continued. "Everything just went dark." She shivered at the memory. In the end, there hadn't been a tunnel for her. No choir, no open arms, no absolution. Only an emptiness, dark and silent and complete. The cold of the grave. She forced the unnerving thoughts away. "After that, I only get bit and pieces. Small fragments of a bigger picture. Nothing really makes sense. The next thing I remember clearly is waking up on the beach…with you."
Swallowing hard, Shinji kept his eyes low. "Asuka, about that-"
She looked away from him, staring out the window. "Don't say anything. I'd rather not talk about it." Her voice was uncharacteristically soft, the statement sounding more like a plea than a command.
The boy gave a meek nod. It was a horrifying and awkward moment for both of them. Shinji was never sure as to why he did what he had, but at the moment it had made perfect sense. The only thing he'd ever known in his life was pain and loss and sorrow. In that brief, dark moment on the sands of the beach, the sky stained with crimson and the air smelling thickly of blood, Asuka symbolized everything he hated about the world and himself. As he wrapped his hands around her throat he wanted nothing more than to destroy the beautiful girl and everything she meant to him. Occasionally, he could still feel the heat and pulse of her neck in his hands. The phantom sensation made him physically ill.
Asuka watched as Shinji slowly clenched and unclenched his fists. That eerie sensation of pressure on her throat returned. She quickly decided not to pay the thought any attention, focusing solely on Shinji's clearly distressed face. It wasn't that she didn't forgive the boy; she simply didn't want to talk about the event. It wasn't about her own needs or feelings, she just didn't want Shinji to freak out and blame himself like he always did. She didn't want to talk about it for his sake. It definitely had nothing to do with her. She decided to change the subject. Her current thoughts were getting a little too upsetting.
"Anyway, what do you dream about?"
Still working his hands, Shinji spoke in a low voice, barely a whisper. He worried that if he spoke of the dreams too loudly they would hear and come to torment him in the light of day.
"I don't know." The boy clasped his hands together, as much to stop them from shaking as anything else. "I see different things all the time, and I don't understand most of it. I think they're memories from that place. All I can remember is uncertainty and regret. Pain and ambiguity."
The Teutonic redhead absently scratched her right arm as she leaned back in her chair, suddenly feeling cold. "That seems a weird place for people to want to stay. I mean, there are plenty of idiots who didn't come back. Why would they stay in that sort of place?"
"I don't know. Maybe they're happy there."
Silence filled the air between them. Asuka quickly stood up, "Well, since neither of us is going to get any sleep tonight, wanna watch TV?" Shinji blinked several times, not quite keeping up with the conversational track change. After a few moments he nodded and followed her to the living room.
Plopping unceremoniously down on the couch, Asuka flicked the television on and began channel surfing. Setting down lightly next to her, Shinji lowered himself, sinking into the comfortable cushions. He made sure to leave a comfortable distance between them.
The programs gave way to one another in an endless flashing of color and motion as Asuka quickly scanned the range of stations. Finding nothing to her liking, the strawberry haired girl decided to randomly stop and subject herself to whatever fate had in store for her. Finally stopping on a dated murder mystery film, she sank deeply into the sofa.
Shinji tried to keep his eyes on the screen, but found that, despite his best efforts, they constantly drifted towards Asuka. She was wearing a long yellow t-shirt that ended near her thighs, and grey cotton shorts that peeked out a short distance from the edge of the bright top. Swallowing hard, he took in the glorious sight of the young woman's legs. They seemed to go on forever. Quickly forcing his errant gaze back to the television, Shinji silently admonished himself. Of course Asuka was attractive, but he shouldn't just treat her as an object. Asuka was a person and deserved to be treated with dignity.
After a few moments of stalwart dedication, the Third Child found his gaze shifting to the young woman at his side. Trying his best to hide his peeking, he took in every aspect of her beauty. Her bright, shining blue eyes, her stunning figure, her perfect lips, her delicate hands. Everything about her exuded grace and splendor. She was almost too perfect. She seemed like an animated sculpture of a goddess. Once again catching his thoughts traveling in less chivalrous directions, Shinji chided himself on his impure thoughts and focused on the glowing screen with all his willpower.
Asuka glanced out of the corner of her eye and once again caught Shinji trying to surreptitiously observe her. She hid a smile as he quickly looked away and half-heartedly tried to watch the boring movie. In spite of her often heated screams of Shinji being a "pervert" or "degenerate" she found herself taking a strange enjoyment in his attention. Of course, the fiery ex-pilot would never admit that to anyone. She had an image to maintain. If the boy ogling her had been anyone but Shinji, she would have promptly kicked his ass up around his ears. For some reason, she had a soft spot for the awkward boy.
Shinji wasn't bad to look at. He certainly wasn't ugly. He was just cute, perhaps even good looking, in a different manner than she was used to. He was attractive in a sad poet sort of way. His dark blue eyes and dark hair gave his slightly pale face a striking allure. His only problems were his confidence issues. Asuka knew that if Shinji were surer of himself, there would be very few girls who wouldn't be interested in him. The thought made the Second Child uncomfortable. She'd often had thoughts about the nature of Shinji's relationship with Wondergirl. Those two had been close on a strange level Asuka didn't understand, but one which still made the German pilot worry. In truth, Asuka silently rejoiced that Ayanami had yet to return from the Sea of LCL.
Asuka quickly derailed her train of thought. Wait a minute. This is SHINJI I'm thinking about. There's no way I was jealous over him. Wait, what am I saying? I was never jealous of Wondergirl at all. Slowly biting her lower lip, she continued to argue the point with herself. I am NOT attracted to Shinji. No way. Never happen. Ok, maybe a little attracted, but he's kinda cute and I have spent a lot of time near him. It's just hormones. Yeah, that's it. Not quite convinced, Asuka decided to drop the matter and return her attention to the glowing TV screen.
For a long time, neither teenager said anything. Basking in the glow of the television, the two simply enjoyed one another's presence in silence. As the movie began to wrap up, Asuka could feel her eyes growing heavy. Shaking her head lightly to keep the edges of sleep from curling around the edges of her mind, Asuka straightened up. She was surprised when she felt a warmth press against her shoulder.
Shinji had nodded off and slumped over, resting against his redheaded roommate. When the moment of stunned surprise passed, Asuka smiled lightly at the boy leaning against her. It was nice to have him so close. She quickly shoved the sleeping body hard enough to wake him. His head snapping around, Shinji realized he had fallen asleep and quickly began to apologize. He was cut short when Asuka rested her head on his shoulder and leaned against him.
"You know, you make a pretty decent pillow Shinji. I guess you're not completely useless after all." The girl slowly trailed off as sleep finally claimed her. Not quite sure what to do, Shinji remained motionless, doing his best to give Asuka a restful sleep. A short time after the Second Child, Shinji slowly drifted into sleep.
The sun began to crest the horizon, painting the sky a dark pink. The two sleeping children, each content that the other was near, shared their first restful sleep in a long time.
End
Author's Note: Hm. I'm not quite sure what I think of this. I feel like I took a hard left about halfway through. Oh well, I suppose I can't really complain, at least I got something finished. Anyway, thanks for reading and be sure to review.