I Fight Dragons

Chapter 1. Heads up Hearts down

"You two are such fags!" Cartman ragged, dancing circles around the best friends. Kenny sat back, wondering if Cartman could be jealous. It sure seemed like it sometimes.

"Coming from the asshat that sucked Butters' dick," Kyle droned.

Stan grinned at that. They had only been standing next to the bus stop sharing a hand-warmer package when Cartman had walked up.

"Ey! That was seven years ago, Jew!" he hissed.

"Once a fat fag, always a fat fag."

"He's right," Stan laughed. Kenny nodded his agreement.

"Fuck you Kyle! You're just another four-lettered word!"

"What a mighty insult," the Jew groaned. "What are we, five? There aren't any parents or teachers around. And, you know you're a four-lettered word too."

They had this code that they thought none of the high school teachers understood. They'd say 'four-lettered word' in their presence as code for Shit, Fuck, Damn, Hell, Cunt, Slut, and other various four-lettered words. It wasn't as much fun, but it kept them out of trouble and their parents thought they were trying to shake their cursing habit.

"Yep," Stan grinned. "Cartman is seven letters long. Seven is a five-lettered word. Five is a four-lettered word."

Kyle gave his loyal best friend a toothy grin and rubbed his fingers over the hand warmer. "Or, you know…his first name…"

Stan's cheeks flushed and he laughed. "Yeah, that too."

"Fags," Cartman repeated. "Why don't you just find a room so you can make out for a little bit."

"Why don't you suck Butters' balls?"

"Why don't you suck my balls, JEW!"

Kyle freed his hand from Stan's and its warmth to flip the fat one off. "Go fuck yourself."

"I would, but you fags might get turned on watching, and I don't want to be your fapping material."

"Because you're so goddamned sexy," Kyle said sarcastically.

"Goddamn right."

The bus arrived and the boys all took their normal seats. Kenny sat in the middle of the bus because it felt safest; Cartman sat in the front because sometimes the Mexican bus driver brought candy. Kyle and Stan sat in the back seat together. Kyle liked the heater under their feet as a footrest, and Stan liked when they hit potholes and flied into the air.

Middle school had been rough to the kids of South Park. Thanks to Cartman, the Chinese had briefly taken over the world. Kim Kardashian's wedding fell through in less than three months because of something Stan had accidentally said. Kyle was sued for writing a novel about the relations between Georgia and Russia, and was taken into Russian custody for a few weeks. Cartman got liposuction then gained it all back. Butters was mistaken for a girl and sold as a sex slave. Kenny started a small business selling porn in school until he was caught by the principal and expelled.

So…they'd kept busy.

Now, they were beginning their sophomore year of high school. The boys knew their schedules would split them up entirely next year since Kyle and Cartman had gotten into the accelerated classes for the college-ready course. But, for now there was chemistry class, the only class all four boys had together for sophomore year. The desks sat two students at each table, so Kyle set his books down next to where Stan was already sitting, wondering vaguely why he was so early.

"Dude? What're you doing?" Stan said quietly and urgently, putting a hand protectively over the desk where Kyle was about to sit.

"Um…sitting?" Kyle droned.

"No, you can't sit here, dude!"

"Why not?" the redhead said, perturbed.

"Because! We're getting our final lab partners assigned today and I've gotta make sure Wendy sits there!"

"…You mean you and I aren't going to be partners for the rest of the year?" Kyle replied, trying to keep his voice level. It wasn't that he hated seeing Stan with Wendy. He had no reason to disapprove of Wendy for Stan. It was that he didn't know who else he could work with…

"What are you talking about, Kyle?" Stan said urgently. "She finally broke up with Josh. I never had the chance to ask her out because of him, and before that, I was always too nervous. But, I think I can do it this time, and she's finally on the singles list."

Kyle groaned internally. Stan always fell into this same routine. He was so in love with Wendy, but Wendy was never quite as infatuated with him. She had no problem whatsoever breaking his heart. She wasn't a stupid whore or a slut or any of the names she'd been called. She was intelligent and frugal. She was just…a heartbreaker without even trying.

And a broken-hearted Stan wasn't a Stan at all.

Still, he seemed so earnest about it. And, being an awesome best friend, Kyle just wanted Stan to be happy for awhile…

"Oh…okay then," the Jew said, not exactly enthusiastic. He lifted his books and moved them to the next desk over.

"Dude…don't say it like that…" Stan deadpanned. "I'm not murdering a puppy or anything."

No, you're just being an asshole in love, Kyle thought to himself. Again. "I didn't say it like anything," Kyle said with finality. "I don't care if you believe in hos before bros."

Stan's eyebrows knit and those little worry lines formed between them. He pinched the skin to cover it, "Aw…awww, dude! I-I'm not! This is how it's supposed to be. We're supposed to fall in love with chicks, devote our time to them, and complain to our best friends about their weird girly habits and how we think they might be cheating, and other whiney coupley crap. That's just how it is, dude."

"Sure…" Kyle sighed, rolling his eyes.

"Thanks dude. Wendy's super popular, but she always comes right before the bell rings and all the seats are taken. I want her to sit here so I can be the first to ask her!" He grinned boyishly and fumbled with his thick black hair, trying to look presentable.

"Your nose is running," Kyle lied, smirking when Stan rubbed at his face desperately until it was red.

"I heard what you said," came a sweet giggling voice from behind the Jew.

Both boys turned abruptly. Wendy and Bebe were leaning against Kyle's desk. "I'd love to be your partner, Stan…" Wendy smiled prettily, pulling the chair back and setting her bags next to the desk. She tucked her skirt carefully under her legs as she sat. Stan looked all fluttery.

Kyle thought he might puke. Love made Stan disgusting.

"I'll be your partner, Kyle," Bebe assured him with a smart grin. Kyle nodded. At least Bebe was smart, and-…wasn't Cartman. She put a hand on his knee. "And don't think I forgot what a nice ass you've got…"

Kyle grunted a slightly creeped-out thanks.

…

After all their classes had let out, the boys walked down to the auditorium for play rehearsal.

Mrs. Botts, the school counselor, had forced Kenny to join to 'boost his self-esteem' and 'curb his shyness'. It turned out that Kenny was an amazing singer. He sounded just like Matthew Bellamy. And it did spike his confidence. He didn't complain either…some theater girls tend to be desperate…and sometimes swung both ways. Who was Kenny to deny a three-way?

Kyle, Stan, and Cartman were on running crew. So, the four boys all got rides home from Cartman's mom when practices let out. Unfortunately, the practices were running late this week since no one knew their lines.

"It's a good thing your mom's a whore," Kyle teased as they waited for Liane Cartman to drive up. It was already eleven at night and dark. The four stood in front of the school, leaning against a brick wall.

"Yeah," Stan said, "Otherwise she wouldn't even be awake still."

Kenny finally stumbled out the side door of the auditorium. His hair was ruffled up and he was struggling with the zipper of his hoodie. "Guess who just got laid by three girls at once!"

"Holy…shit…" Stan muttered.

"I think two of them were full on lesbians, but the third was definitely bi. God…" he seemed lost for words, talking with his hands- which were speaking pretty lewdly. "That…was amazing…"

"I think Kenny's a bit of a fan of the homoerotic," Stan said to Kyle.

"That's not homoerotic, Stahn," Cartman chirped, "That's a full-on homosexual sunday with a het-boy topping." He cackled and punched Kenny's arm in solidarity.

"Well, whatever, he obviously loved it," Stan said, noting Kenny's glazed eyes.

"Who wouldn't?" Kenny interjected. He suddenly became dead serious, focused and intent. "Everyone loves the homoerotic, even if just as a fetish. Chicks dig gay guys. If girls can dig guy-on-guy action, why can't guys enjoy? I swear to you guys…it's the hottest thing. Watching two girls licking each other's faces and boobs and using their fing-"

"Kenny!" Kyle interjected. "We get it! Chill before Cartman gets a boner!"

"Too late," the fat boy laughed.

"Ah, SICK!" Stan cried, rushing to the other side of his best friend, but he kept his eyes to Kenny, considering what he'd said. Did girls really like guys who liked guys? Meanwhile, Kyle explained the objectifying and sexist nature of male fetishizing of lesbianism as compared to female investment in gay couplings. Mrs. Cartman's van pulled up halfway through Cartman's rebuttal and the three teens shoved themselves into the backseat. The car tilted slightly as Cartman boarded.

"How was your day, Poopie-kins?" Liane said sweetly.

"Shut the fuck up mom! I'm not five!"

"That's right, I've got such a big boy now!"

Kenny and Stan snickered in the back. Kyle just grinned blissfully as Cartman turned three shades of red. Kenny leaned over to Kyle's ear. "Liane loves her 'big boys' very, very…very much," he whispered. Kyle cracked up.

Stan had gone silent in thought. The redhead nudged his arm with his elbow. "Hey? You alright?"

"Mrs. Cartman?" Stan said abruptly. "Do girls like the homoerotic?"

"Ey!" Eric jumped. He hated it when the other boys came to his mom for such answers just because she'd give them- unlike their parents. It made him feel used.

"Oh, yes!" Mrs. Cartman said, smiling slightly. "Many girls think the homoromantic sides of stories are adorable. I myself like to read homoerotic novels. You're fourth grade teacher had quite a few good ones."

"…So…most girls like gay guys?" Stan clarified, glancing at Kyle with his peripherals.

"Oh, I wouldn't say that. Girls just like guys who are accepting of anything and everything they feel. A woman won't like something she knows she can't have, so no, not gay men."

"Just men that act gay then?"

"No, no girl wants a guy who acts like he's not interested in girls," Liane said.

"So then, just guys who are…effeminate?" Stan suggested.

Liane bit a lip and shrugged, spinning the steering wheel to take them out of the school parking lot. "I suppose, but sensitive would be a better word."

"Where the hell is this coming from?" Kyle demanded.

"It's nothing…" Stan muttered, thinking hard. This would take careful planning. First step was to see if Wendy fell under the category that Cartman's mom had described. If she 'could dig it' as Kenny would say.