Chapter One

Clunk.

Clunk.

Clunk.

Cl-

Roxas moved his schoolbag again with irritation. He was sick of it bashing against his leg, and as everyone knows, schoolbags are evil malevolent entities designed purely for destroying Roxas' legs.

He darted it a look filled with malice. He knew it was laughing- laughing like a FOOL.

"Roxas?"

For in this cold, cruel world, where life sucks to all blonde bed heads, school bags have evil intentions, the most popular GUY in school has a crush on you and attempts to fondle your leg in the middle of Science, and your little sister is the devil incarnate.

"…Roxas?"

Ah yes, dear little sister Larxene. Probably the most sadistic individual to ever attack the mall Santa with a butcher knife, and still only seven years old. Roxas had woken up many a time to find her looming over him holding a toy stuffed bunny, head torn off and trailing festering entrails- er, stuffing- and a maniacal glint in her emerald eyes.

"ROXAS."

Finally, he turned round to face the doom that was undoubtedly awaiting him.

Well, it wasn't doom, it was Axel Flynn. But in Roxas' mind, there wasn't an awful lot of difference.

The redhead smiled happily and enclosed Roxas in a suffocating hug. Really, it wasn't supposed to be possible for someone who looked almost anorexic to have this kind of strength.

(Turns to random inspector in the background)

Chalk it up to good ole plot holes Bob.

(Inspector nods and writes something on a pad.)

ANYWAY.

Roxas moved his schoolbag again with irrit- oh- sorry, I get these things mixed up.

"So, Roxas," Murmured Axel, in what was probably an attempt at a seductive voice, "Still dating Namine Snow?"

Roxas stopped, and turned to stare at Axel, his head slowly clicking round with agonizing slowness.

"I am not dating Namine. I have known her since I was two. This does not mean I entertain romantic notions towards her or indeed WISH TO MATE WITH HER."

Axel backed away. The kid was getting scary again.

Roxas' eye twitched. "BUT- It seems in this STRANGE, STRANGE world, that if people of the opposite sex- or indeed, sometimes people of the SAME sex- are friends, then people naturally believe that they instantly wish to mate with each other in that odd way that they have."

He finished in a hiss, one hand shaking as he pointed at Axel. "And that, is the meaning of fluff."

The redhead stared.

"… Roxas, how much sugar have you had this morning?"

The blonde continued to hiss and spit like a broken record until Axel picked him up, tucked him under one arm and carried the still raving smaller boy to school, whistling a tune about fire and death and raving demon minions.

It's going to be a long, long cliché.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Axel Flynn?"

"Not here so don't give me homework."

"Okay- Demyx-"

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE."

At this point the teacher was interrupted in the form of a small crazily smiling dirty blonde who rapidly shot glue from a glue gun all over a horrified Riku Gallagher.

The boy giggled maniacally. "I would have brought my sister, but she's all tied up."

The teacher, a senile looking man with long shimmering grey hair nodded calmly. He was used to it- when you were a teacher at Destiny Island High, you got used to the plot holes big enough to fall into, kids randomly waving around swords bigger than themselves, and the numerous keyblades lying around. You acquired a defence against the winning powers of the Mary Sues, and learned to watch out for the clichés that were enough to trip over.

"Sora-"

A boy burst into the room, throwing his hands up in the air and panting heavily, his blue eyes wide with adrenaline and his brown spikes bouncing crazily.

"I'M SORRY XEMNAS." He paused panting for breath, "B- but the Heartless and the Mary Sues and the yaoi fangirls ambushed me on my way out. I had to use the keyblade again- but some of the Sues had keyblades too- I ONLY BARELY SURVIVED."

The senile old Xemnas smiled senilely and said in a senile voice, "That's okay Sora. I know you have problems. I have enough problems when the yaoi fangirls push me and Mr Saix into a closet together for hours. But Saix catches them eventually, and though they are in comas, they can still take liquids."

Sora nodded and took his seat next to Kairi, who was for no obvious reason, being prodded by numerous fangirls with sticks screaming, "YOU YAOI RUINING BITCH."

"Roxas-"

"I'M AN EMO KID AND MY LIFE SUCKS."

He nodded. "Okay… Selphie?"

The brunette girl, who was a cheerleader for once again, no obvious reason, giggled elegantly, her mouth behind one hand. "Here Xemnas."

"Marluxia-"

The pretty pink haired girl giggled much as Selphie has and passed Xemnas a flower. No one was quite sure why she had a flower in her pocket, but it was probably because the amazingly stupid author picked up on the fact that his element was flower and decided to milk it for all it was worth. No one was sure either why Marluxia, who was supposedly male, (Though y'know, we never totally worked that one out,) had suddenly had a transsexual operation at some point, but it probably didn't matter.

A random new girl walked into the room, her beautiful blonde hair shimmering in the morning light and seeming to reflect all the light of the sun, despite the fact that if this fic is starting a new year at school, which it probably is, then it will be September and probably dark and gloomy with virtually no sunlight. There goes another plothole! Quick, catch it with a butterfly net!

She smiled beautifully, her sapphire eyes seeming to gaze into just about every male's soul in the room except for the ones that the fangirl writer doesn't like and spoke in a soft voice that was like the choirs of heaven all together on a good day once the lead angel has said he will hack their heads off if they don't get it right.

"Hi, I've been assigned to this class. My name is Princess Usagi Flower Moon Twilight Blood Rose Moon and I am your random self insert for today!"

Xemnas nodded thoughtfully. "So… what ever happened to Princess Mistress Lady Rose Sakura Blossom the third?"

The random Mary Sue shrugged. "She got sent to the Naruto world when the authoress developed a crush on Sasuke."

He nodded and started shuffling papers because that's what teachers do in these sort of things and spoke to the whole of the class once Princess Usagi Flower Moon Twilight Blood Rose Moon had taken a place next to Cloud and they had begun making out.

"Now class, since we have actually all succeeded in getting here today despite the fangirls, Mary Sues, Heartless and characters from every other world that the authoress could think of to insert into a fic, I have decided to simply tell you to do whatever the hell you want, though really I should be setting you work!"

Molly raised a hand, her eyes questioning. "Uh… Sir? Shouldn't you be the leader of Organization XIII or something? And… I have a weird feeling that I shouldn't be here."

Xemnas waved a hand elegantly while making out with each of the fangirl's favourite Orgy members in turn, "Oh don't worry about the laws of reality. Nobody else does anyway. Kawaii?"

Rachael stared, eyes wide. "Why did you say kawaii?"

"Because it's the only word that the authoress knows of Japanese, she thinks herself cool for knowing it, and therefore decided to use it at every opportunity, even when it makes no sense whatsoever. KAWAII."

Unfortunately at this point, the fic, having received one flame, spontaneously combusted and was sent back to the pits of hell from whence it came.

Or, y'know. It could have been Axel with a match.

THE CLICHED, BADLY WRITTEN, AND NOBODY READ THIS FAR ANYWAY SO IT PROBABLY DOESN'T MATTER, END.

OR…

IS IT?!

Me: Yes. It is. Because this is far too satirical to ever be a real fic.