What does losing you feel like? Well, imagine a knife being slipped between the third and fourth rib, quick as lightning, and yet you do not feel it until much later... You don't feel it until all the blood has drained out of you and you crumple to the floor, life-less and staring...
You don't feel it until a pair of blue eyes shut you out like curtains - pulled tight and turning away. And even though you are hollowed out, the sensation of pain remains. It digs deep, latching onto your bones and seeping into your cells. It aches and it burns and it hurts like hell.
Imagine that. And multiply it by a billion.
Yea, that might come close to describing what it feels like to lose you.
/ /
Aiden hangs onto her arm, a child in grown-up clothing, and Ashley fights the urge to shove him away. They've been dating... or re-dating... for two months. And the kisses are familiar, but no longer safe and sure. At least, not for her.
His lips coast over her cheek and he promises to meet her later, to carry her along on his bike and to stun her with his love that never went away.
But she doesn't hear him - not in the literal sense, not in the figurative sense, either.
Because, just across the quad, a girl lazily walks and there is a book in the girl's hand and so many people say 'hello' to that girl and that girl says it right back - smiling in the damn sun like a dream come true...
And Ashley can hear regret like a train heading for her heart.
/ /
She never set out to self-destruct. But some people get to live a simple kind of life.
Other people, though, are built like bombs - delicate wires of red and blue, criss-crossed into a mesh of danger, and the tripping the wrong one just sets them off.
Ashley has been a field of land-mines, too.
She wants to explode all the more today, today with its pointless boyfriend and its cold ex-girlfriend and its lack of good friends and its dead father and its bitch of a mother.
Today would be a good day for Ashley to blow the fuck up.
But she just simmers. And Aiden knows the signs, he just doesn't know the reasons - not yet anyway. And she wonders if he will notice that when he holds her, strong arms just begging for another chance, that she shrinks away... that she dissolves... that she disappears.
He never asks where she goes to.
And she never offers an explanation.
/ /
Where do I go to? Oh, you know where I go... I run to you.
I rush to the moment where I still had you. I rush to the moment where I still had it all.
And he was absent, my father, but I knew he was out there - rocking and rolling and drinking and loving me. And you were by my side, patient when I kept you waiting and steady when I was reeling, you were right there.
You fell back against my bed and I marveled at my luck.
Because I didn't just wish for you, I think I dreamed you up and you became real at last.
And you said my name, pulled from your mouth - raw and wild.
You said my name and dismantled me.
Where do I go to? Oh, you know... you know I go to only you.
/ /
END