TITLE: Secrets Safe and Unsafe

CHAPTER: Complete

AN: Descriptions of child abuse, neglect, and abandonment.

"Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad." —Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

She was only four years old when she discovered the possibility she had parents. Real parents. Not their names or pictures just that one of them was a human and the other an asari. The information was useless to her because no one would have believed her and there was no way off this barren rock known as a private school. So she kept it a secret and tucked the knowledge deep inside her heart. They couldn't stop her from dreaming or prevent her from lifting her face to the stars, trying to image their warmth and dream of soaring among the flickering lights.

Her school perched on the edge of a millenniums-old cliff on the dark side of a small moon in an obscure corner of the Terminus System. More an orphanage than an educational institution. Cerberus originally built the school to protect children from the Reaper scourge. The overflow from the Andromeda Initiative would also live here until the hostility ended. When the crisis finally passed, millions of survivors looked up from the mangled bodies and burned out cities and tried to figure out how to go on. While the survivors got the power back on, gathered resources and built shelters, no one thought to check on the children.

She refused to let them make her cry when they swatted her for being naughty by hacking into the school network or practicing her biotics. Why was it naughty to teach herself about computers or pick the lock into the "off limits" room in the school library? It's not as if she were doing any harm. She was smart enough to know how to be careful with the ancient books and fragile tapes. Hers was a lonely life, but she taught herself to ignore the hollow ache that lived in her chest and never left her. She traveled the dank hallways of her school alone. She ate her meals alone. No one knew or cared about the contents of her heart. The hopes and dreams she kept to herself. Her school friends consisted of the history books she read at night under her blanket, while the children around her cried because they were hungry and scared of the darkened rooms.

The other girls teased and bullied her. The boys called her tentacle-head and pure-blood. But she wasn't, and she knew it and why did it matter anyway? She kept it hidden just as she often pretended not to be as smart as she was. Most of her classmates were orphans. Children cast adrift in the confusion of the wars. With dwindling resources, the teachers hoarded what extra food came their way. The staff reminded them whenever they complained they were lucky to have a place to live. Luckier than most of the homeless children left to survive on ravaged planets.

One morning a group of her tormentors caught her practicing her biotics. She didn't notice them coming around the corner until it was too late. One of the girls, the leader of her tormentors got caught in the wave and flew screaming into the air. But she was only a little girl, and the sudden presence of the other children startled her so severely that she forgot how to discharge the power. She stood silently with exhaustion and fear growing until one of the instructors finally showed up and released the terrified child. The experience earned her a slap across the face, mittens strapped to her hands and ten days in solitary confinement.

Inside the small cell, she allowed her imagination to soar. She jumped off the lonely rock of the only home she's ever known into her dreams. Strong arms held her, while a mother's touch soothed her. A handsome human with kind blue eyes tucked her in at night. When he promised to stay until she fell asleep, she noticed the deep lines around his eyes and wondered if they're from laughing or too many tears. It's not that she knows these things, but she does know her birth occurred in the midst of sad times. If her parents had been happy, then her child's logic tells her they would have kept her instead of giving her away.

Tonight she took the man who lived in her dreams by the hand. Giggling with delight, they swam through dark matter, danced with the stars and stood on the deck of a sleek silver ship. An interactive map of the galaxy sprawled at her feet inviting her to explore and adventure. Each flickering light on the computer-generated map represented a glimmer of hope and most of all, freedom. Sometimes they visit a green planet with lots of exciting animals and other times they climb mountains or dig in for treasure in caves so dark she can hardly see her hand in front of her face. It doesn't matter if she's a princess royal or a starship captain, he is always her knight in shining armor. As long as her secret friend is with her, she has nothing to fear.

Time passed, and no one checked on them. It wasn't long before supplies dwindled to nothing but rotten vegetables and moldy bread. The hydroponic gardens labored under the strain of five hundred growing children and failed. The radios stopped transmitting years ago. The remaining staff knew nothing about communications or computers. All the machines that would keep them alive slowly stopped working. She was good with computers, but it's too much for one little girl to take on and no one seemed to care. She watched the hungry children cry themselves to sleep and tried to think of a way to help.

One day she, determined to do something helpful, she let herself into the hydroponic garden. After an hour of working, she managed to get the computer to reboot. She clapped her hands when the sprayers and lights came back on. She'd done it! Her excitement muffled the sound of footsteps. A teacher spun her around and slapped her hard enough to knock her down. A hiss and something cold crept up her arm. Then nothing.

Ten more days in isolation took its toll on her. She's weak and tearful. This time is much worse than the last and hunger gnawed at her. Curled into herself she wept because she can no longer summon her knight in shining armor. Suddenly the door to her cell opened. The light burned her eyes, and she cried out. But the teacher who pulled her from the cell wasn't interested in the headache that made it difficult for her to see. Or that moving so quickly only made her dizzy. Her stomach cramped, and her teeth ached. When she slowed down, the woman tugged on her arm.

"Hurry up, brat. There's someone here asking for you."

She's never been in the offices before. The light made her headache worse until it was all she could do not to cry. The teacher twisted her arm and shoved her into an office.

"Here she is," the teacher snapped. "We have rules about students here, and we expect you to follow them."

"You mean like cleanliness, good food, and fresh air? Get the hell out of here dumb-ass. I got talking to do."

When the door closed the little girl backed up to the wall. The strange woman who swore at the teacher must be the bravest person in the world. If she could speak to her teachers that way then she must be here to punish her for playing with the computer. She stood quietly and waited for the inevitable.

"Well, fuck me. Shit. Sorry, kid. Don't be afraid. I got a mouth, I know. But I ain't nothing but bluster these days."

"Y-you said bad words to the teacher… she'll punish you."

"Like hell, she will." The woman laughed. "Come on in. I won't bite. Used to though, but those days are over."

The little girl watched the woman's strange features change from a frown to something she couldn't identify. Was she laughing? The woman placed a nutrition bar and a small jug of water on the table. She glanced from the food to the woman. Nothing in her experience led her to believe the food or the woman could be trusted.

The insatiable curiosity to learn lent her courage and pushed her toward the woman, ignoring the food, she touched her small fingers to the woman's mouth.

With a guilty glance at the door, she asked, "Was that a smile? Can you do it again?"

The woman let out a long sigh. "Oh, sweetie. I'll tell you what if you jump up on this chair and take a bite of this I'll smile all you want."

The little girl thought that a logical and fair deal. When the bar and the water were gone, and she felt less like crying, she summoned her courage to met the woman's eyes.

"Ma'am? Thank you for the food. Ma'am? I have a question...um, do you know my name?"

"Of course I know your name. Don't you?"

"No, ma'am." The girl's eyes widened with fear, and she threw up her hands as if to ward off a blow. "I'm sorry! I don't know. Please..."

Tears welled up in her eyes until she had to turn away from the little girl. This was bad, really bad. She did promise to smile for her, so she took a deep breath and worked up a smile. "It's a beautiful name. But you might not like it. Are you sure you want to know?"

She thought she noticed the corners of the child's lips lift and the tearful fear turned into the mischievous expression of the child's mother. Dammit, this was too fucking hard. But she had promised. And that old witch would be back soon. She turned her attention back to the girl only to find her standing next to her tracing her fingers over the tattoos on her arms and hands.

"Ma'am? These are beautiful pictures on your skin. Did it hurt or does it wash off?"

"They are permanent, but I guess a doctor would remove them if I wanted."

"Oh no!" exclaimed the girl. "They're beautiful. The pictures and the colors. I've never seen such colors."

The woman removed the hand from her arm, wrapped her fingers around the small cold fingers and glanced up at the door. If she had to kick every ass in this school she would get the kid out of here. If she had to load every kid in this school into her small ship she'd fucking do it. She picked up the girl's other hand and this time she didn't flinch.

"Alright. If you're very sure?" She asked with a smile. "Sashul Nurali. Your name is Sashul Nurali."

"Sa-shul-Nu-ra-li." She pieced out the syllables, then looked up with a grin. "It's beautiful! Is it really my name? My name to keep?"

The woman blinked her tears away. This little girl needed her to be the strong one. She removed an apple from her bag and handed it to the child. With round eyes, the child studied the textures of the apple and held it up to her nose.

The door flew open and a hand knocked the apple away. The child cried out from the blow. A flash of biotics and the teacher found herself slammed into the wall behind her.

"How dare you," she screamed with the last of the air in her lungs.

The woman waited until the teacher's lips began to turn blue before she released her from the biotic power and watched her drop to the floor.

"Who the hell are you? You can't just walk in here..." The teacher found herself hanging in the air with the woman's hands around her neck.

"You wanna know who I am? You stupid bitch. Mind your manners or I'll chain you to a rock out there," she stabbed a finger at a porthole. "And keep you alive long enough to watch everyone leave this pit."

A small voice spoke into the charged atmosphere. "I know who you are."

The woman's head swiveled on her shoulders.

The girl hadn't been idle while she watched two adults behave in a way she'd never seen before. Entertaining as it was, she couldn't stop her mind from calculating. She laughed and pointed at her new friend. "You're Jack." She glanced at the headmistress and covered her mouth to hide the forbidden smile. "You're Subject Zero. I read about you!"

The door open again and another teacher ran into the room. "Headmistress! Headmistress! Another ship!"

The sound of rapidly approaching booted feet reached Jack's ears. She'd recognize that sound anywhere. The headmistress landed on the floor and began to whimper. She thought briefly about kicking her to make her shut-the-fuck-up, but she was already busted. Very busted. Jack put her hand on the girl's shoulders and pulled her close.

A tall human male entered the room in full stride looking about as angry as Jack had ever seen him. And she'd seen just about every expression, from sated passion and tender lover, depression, suppressed rage and a warrior's determination. Powerful, handsome and charismatic he could intimate a room full of strangers by walking in the door or charm them with a smile.

It was that smile that finally broke the shell she'd wrapped around herself to protect her from the world. A child's fantasy of a fort to stop anything from hurting her. Hurt and brutalized many times during her short life the angry man in the doorway rescued her and ended the pain. She loved him, even idolized him, but never fooled herself into thinking he loved her. Well, maybe he did love her, but she didn't have his heart. That privilege belonged to someone else. Her brave front dissolved when he entered, and her voice came high and shaky.

"Hey, Commander Shepard. How's it hanging, jefe?"

He just stared at her until a child's voice broke his attention from trying and failing to intimate Jack. Ignoring the weeping women on the floor, Commander Shepard slowly found the source of the voice. His didactic mind took over for him: Asari child. Female. Too thin. Frightened. He blinked as his mind reassessed the azure-blue eyes staring up at him so directly. Not scared, just inquisitive with familiar eyes. Shepard set his weapon carefully down on the desk and knelt in front of her.

"You look like him. But you can't really be him because I made him up in my mind," Sashul murmured reaching out to touch his cheek carefully.

The familiar sensation of her touch uncovered the carefully hidden memories of the last few years. Years of grief, violence, and terrible injuries left their toll on the young man. His hands are worn and calloused and the sprinkling of gray at his temples glints in the harsh light.

Shepard spoke to Jack his eyes never leaving the child's face. "Jack, why are you here and I why did I feel so compelled to follow you? Might be best if you told me right-the-hell-now."

"It's against the rules to swear here. They are very strict with us," she admonished the stranger.

"And strict with food, it seems? What do they feed you?" Commander Shepard asked seriously. She didn't flinch from his harsh words.

"Well, sir. They don't. The food ran out fourteen days ago." Sashul glanced at the teachers and took a deep breath. "I fixed the hydroponic computers, but they...The teachers hoarded the food until it ran out."

A solitary tear slid down her face, and Shepard wiped it away with his thumb. "Seems like you could use a knight in shining armor today."

"Yes, sir. But not just me. Everyone is sad and hungry." Sapphire blue eyes brimmed with tears—like silver, he remembered—lifted to his. The words 'embrace eternity,' filtered through his mind.

Shepard shot a look of—are you forgetting that I am the Commander—toward Jack.

"Took me awhile to find her..."

"Who is this child?" Shepard grated between clenched teeth.

"My name is, Sashul Nurali," The Asari child stated with pride. "I just learned my name. The nice lady named Jack told me."

"And just how did you find that out, Jack?"

Jack swallowed hard. "I followed a lead to a group of children sent to this rock for protection, and...uh...and."

"Jack?"

"She's your daughter, Shepard. Yours and Liara..."

Shepard felt a tug on his collar. "Please don't be mad at her. She's been nice to me. A-and, no one has ever been nice to me." The little girl's tears fell unheeded. Shepard gave into the instincts shouting at him for a response and picked the asari child off the floor. Her legs clung to his chest and her arms wrapped around his neck.

"It's okay, baby," Shepard whispered. "Everything will be okay. It's all over, but if you need to cry right now, I've got you. Okay?"

"O-kay," she said against his neck with a hiccup.

He had no idea what to do with children. There were many things he was very good at, comforting a child was not one of them. He did remember the cold nights with an empty belly trying to sleep between two sheets of cardboard. The nights on the streets, filled with the deep fear that no one cared what happened to him.

Behind him, Jack hustled the teachers out and closed the door. In the sudden quiet he caught the scent of her, felt the small hands gripping his shirt Shepard lost all ability to compartmentalize these new emotions. This child weeping into his neck and wetting his collar was his child. How could he not know about her? And it wasn't as if Liara was the only asari he'd had sex with. It was to Liara that he lost his heart. But his was a love that could never be returned, and he'd accepted that. She'd fascinated him from the first moment they met. He loved Liara with a level of strength and devotion that prevented him from moving on with his life. Someday he might move on. Someday.

Protectiveness and the desire to comfort poured from him as he spread his fingers over the soft layers of her scalp crests. "Are you still afraid?"

She shook her head against his shoulder then pulled back. "I-I want to tell you about our adventures, but I'm t-too sleepy..." She yawned and lay her head on his shoulder and fell promptly asleep.

Thoughts about contacting the Normandy assigning groups to gather the children and staff drifted away. She shifted, and he renewed his grip. So tiny and fragile. She needed him. The promise to keep her safe entered his heart before his head thought of it. Yes, he vowed. I will keep you safe.

~o0o~

Two hours later the children were fed and bedded down in the port observation area. The staff, still grumbling and demanding to see the captain were left to their own devices with food and water in the starboard cargo bay—Shepard locked the door himself.

Above deck, Shepard tucked the sleepy child into his bed. She turned on her side and began to suck her thumb. When he could tear his eyes from her, he grabbed a bottle of scotch and settled on the couch. Hours later, Shepard was startled awake by Sashul's shout for help.

"I can't find you! I can't find you!"

Her frightened shouting brought Dr. Chakwas running. Shepard wondered for the hundredth time if he ever enjoyed privacy on this ship. He won the race to her bedside and lifted his daughter from the bed.

"Open your eyes, baby. I'm right here."

She cried harder and curled against him. Chakwas laid a hand on his shoulder and gave him a reassuring smile. "Commander? I ran a DNA analysis. There's no doubt she's yours and Liara's. Quite a birthday present. You had no idea?"

"If I had...you should have seen that school, Karin. They were all starving. The air handlers were breaking down, and the children bullied and abused. Do you really believe I would do that to anyone?"

"No, Commander you wouldn't. You didn't even know if you would live through the day once you shuttled down to Earth."

"I can hardly believe it. I...after everything. Thank you isn't enough." Shepard scrubbed a hand over his head. "Jack single-handedly changed my life today."

"I need to go to the bathroom," she mumbled sleepily into her father's shoulder. "May I have permission?"

Shepard cringed careful to keep it off his face.

Dr. Chakwas stepped into her line of vision. "Hi there. I'm Karin. We don't have kid size bathrooms here. Will you allow me to help you?" An hour later Karin led a freshly washed child wearing one of his t-shirts—the sight of her with the hem of his shirt brushing her toes was the cutest thing he'd ever seen.

"She needs sleep more than medical attention. Plenty of time for that tomorrow. Commander have you decided how to handle this? Liara?"

"I'm not sure. It might make things worse..."

"Or better," she countered. "No way to know unless we try. She deserves to meet her mother."

~o0o~

They dropped the students off at the Citadel where Shepard had to pull several strings and call in a few favors to keep her with him. When the Normandy pushed back from the Citadel docking bay, Joker turned her bow toward Thessia. Sashul and Shepard spent those hours getting to know each other. He learned about her favorite books and introduced her to his favorites. They spent an entire day working on a model of the Citadel. This was the first asari child he'd ever met. She was brilliant, quick and curious about everything. If he didn't know the answer to one of her questions they looked up the information together. Twelve hours before their arrival at Thessia Shepard sat her down to talk about her mother. Although he wondered why she hadn't asked before, he chose his words carefully.

"Sashul. The ship will dock at Thessia by the time you wake up. Before then I need to talk to you about your mother. I know you'll understand this isn't easy for me. Maybe you could hold my hand while I tell you?"

Her eyes lite up, and she not only took his large hand in her own but crawled on to his lap. "It will be okay, father. I'm here."

About four years ago, your mother and I said goodbye. The battle we faced might take our lives, and we knew it. After the battle. After I recovered from my injuries and reunited with my crew, they told me Liara was ill. No one knew where she was. When I finally found her on Thessia, she was in a hospital. I thought she would be glad to see me, but she wouldn't talk to me...she wouldn't even look at me. I didn't understand. I thought after all I'd done...lived through...I deserved some peace."

"What was wrong?"

"The old word for her condition was shell shock or PTSD. The endless violence changed her until she shut down. It was many days before they found me. She helped search for me. I think her health broke down. Or maybe she gave up on finding me alive. I wish I could talk to her."

"Don't worry. I will help you."

"I believe you. Sashul? I didn't know about you. I was sick for a long time, but if I'd know about you..."

"Don't worry, Father. We have each other now." Shepard shifted her on his lap and laid back on the couch. That's where Joker found them when he announced their arrival.

A small delegation met them at the dock. Minutes later an air car dropped them off at a hospital. The director greeted them and escorted the pair to a secluded garden. Shepard's eyes closed. Anywhere but here. Maybe someone on Thessia needed a Thresher Maw put down...?

"Is that her?" His daughter asked breathlessly. She struggled until Shepard set her down.

The asari staring at him, the sound of small feet running on a marble floor and the scent of hundreds of blooming flowers drifted away. He loved the woman sitting silently against a backdrop of flowering plants and trees Loved her since the moment he saw her floating in that bubble. The beauty, the courage, the what-took-you-so-long-to-get-here look in her eyes sparked something in him. Although he didn't believe in love at first sight, she challenged him with those sapphire blue eyes and imperious stare, sent his heart beating in his throat and roaring through his ears. He ran out of words while they stared at each other. In his heart he knew he would catch her when she fell—a hot blush colored Shepard's cheeks—and possibly never let her go.

A triumphant shout from Tali let him know it was time. She tumbled into his arms and he knew it was the end for him. The end of a thousand of lonely nights.

He loved her and hated seeing such a vibrant and courageous women in this state. He only knew her as energetic and endlessly curious. Shepard felt his throat close, and a deep shame when he had to look away. Nothing but a coward. He'd failed her with no way to fix the problem. It's what he did, he solved problems and mended broken things. He'd saved the galaxy, refused to die of his injuries and won the day. Failure wasn't in his skill set.

A hand on his arm turned his attention back to Liara. Beside her stood Sashul. He could see her mouth moving and the way she held Liara's hand. Shepard cursed and headed toward his daughter. That little girl had been through enough. Why had he even brought her here?

Chakwas gripped his arm forcing him to stop. "Commander, stop. Let her do this. If she can't, she'll understand why and if she can? I doubt you'll ever get a better birthday present."

He feet took him to the arbor where the love his life sat unmoving under trees. Dressed in a heavy robe and woven scarf over her head she looked as striking as the first day they met. Shepard listened to his daughter's words.

"Hello, Mother. My name is Sashul Nurali and I wonder...I wonder if you named me because if you didn't then I don't know who else did. Father didn't know about me. I know you don't feel well, but Father and I will stay with you until you do. Please talk to me. Please?"

Shepard saw it first when Liara's eyes blinked and something moved from the lap robe. The tapered fingers he remembered from a handful of passionate nights or working through her latest project appeared and reached out blindly.

The little girl guided her Mother's hand to her face. "It's me. I waited a long time to meet you. Please talk to me."

Liara's eyes closed and her head fell forward. "Siame? Has the goddess answered my prayers?"

The child frowned. "Mother, I am not Siame, I am Sashul Nurali. If you opened your eyes you could see me."

Shepard found a ledge to keep him from falling. He wouldn't want Liara to see him like this. His right sleeve scrubbed the tears away.

"My daughter." Liara's eyes focused on Sashul and a hand swept over her small head. "My daughter." A movement to her left brought her chin up. Kneeling next to her was Commander Shepard.

Commander Shepard kissed the hand that reached for him and laid his head in her lap.

"Sometimes," said Pooh, the smallest things take up the most room in your heart."

ME Wikia. Asari: "Siame. "One who is all." A loved one cherished above all others.