Spoilers 8x23 Sacrifice
Season 9 AU.
May contain Destiel/wincestiel (Not quiet sure yet)
Warnings: depression, angst, self harm, many triggers
Thanks to Tricked Wings. She is an amazing Beta-Reader 3
Castiel slowly opened his eyes. Everything felt so heavy. It was like he had lost something important, but he couldn't remember what it was.
I'll delete your memory.
Cas' eyelashes fluttered as he tried to remember, but there was nothing to remember.
Only light: a bright, white, shining light.
He sat on the ground, not knowing what to do. What was he supposed to do?
He just didn't know anymore.
Cas lied down on the ground.
Something seemed to be absent, but he couldn't remember.
He closed his eyes, hoping to perhaps fall asleep, but he couldn't.
You will be grateful I did this.
Cas turned over ; he just couldn't sleep.
There was a voice and he was afraid. The voice was bad. He didn't know how he knew that — he just did.
And there was this one face. The face of a man. A man with green eyes; short hair; freckles on his face; and long, thick lashes, slowly and lazily blinking. But Cas didn't feel rejected by it. This face meant good things. Burgers; safety; hugging; and very strange, but great feelings.
But Cas didn't remember more. What was the man's name? How did he know him? Why did he thing abut him? His head hurt and it was so hard to think...
He closed his eyes again and everything was gone. He finally had fallen asleep.
When he woke up again, he couldn't remember anything at all.
Everything still felt so heavy that he could barely lift his own body from the ground. Everything hurt.
He remembered the voice, saying he would be grateful for this, but he couldn't see the point.
I'll delete your memory. You won't remember what you were.
Cas shook his head. What he was? What was he? He didn't know.
It was just like he'd had an accident. Like he'd fallen.
Angels — they are falling.
We will shut it all down: Heaven, Hell, all of it.
Cas pressed his hands against his head.
He hugged his knees to his chest and started to cry.
He felt so lost, so... at some point, he felt naked, like there was something missing, something really important. Something that had meant the world to him, but he still couldn't remember.
He tried ; tried to remember the name of the man the voice belonged to. , tried to figure out who the man was, his face he saw all the time, but there was nothing but a big black hole. Castiel just felt so alone.
He pulled himself into a little ball again, hid under his warm, dirty trench-coat, and fell back asleep.
Then he woke up again, still lying alone on the ground.
Something was wrong. Something was wrong with him. He shouldn't be able to sleep, as he couldn't remember sleeping anytime in his former life.
He blinked, which was something he knew he never did. And then he started to cry.
You're breaking. You're no longer a celestial being, you little rebel. I told you don't try to remember.
The voice sounded again. It seemed like the speaker was happy.
"What is this all supposed to mean? What do you want from me?"
Cas jumped onto his feet, trying to stand, but he couldn't manage it, so he fell down to the ground once again.
His arms and legs were trembling, and he just felt so weak.
"What have you done to me?"
I told you to stop, you should have listened to Naomi. And I am not your god, I am not you father, now go away. You have what you always wanted. Earth and no Heaven. Go to your precious little Winchester Boys and cry about the awful things I did to you, little baby in a trench-coat.
Pictures were flashing through Cas' head. Pictures of an old man cutting his throat, taking something important from him, something he needed, needed like air to breath, something that belonged to him since he was... created.
He just felt so empty and naked.
The voice said he should find the Winchesters, but how? In his former life, it was easy, he just had to think about them, where they were and he was there, but now?
He was barely able to walk and he didn't know where they were, he didn't even know where the fuck he was!
He closed his eyes and tried to calm down. The stress was not going to do him any good.
The face of the good, of the righteous man appeared before his eyes again and disappeared immediately.
Winchester. Was he a Winchester?
Winchester would be a fitting name for this man. Maybe he was a Winchester. Maybe he should find them. But how? How was he supposed to find anybody - in this world he barely knew, in this world where he didn't belong - here.
He shook his head. What was happening to him? Maybe he was like this since the beginning? Maybe that was what the voice meant when she had said that somebody was going to delete his memory.
Well, in fact, that guy fucked it up. Totally. It didn't help.
And whatever you do, don't scratch at the wall.
Hell, Heaven; we're going to shut it all down.
Cas sank to the ground again, one hand pressed on his ear, trying to shut out the voices, and the other hand on the ground to hold him.
"What is happening to me?" he whimpered as he hid under his trench-coat one more time, trying to get all the voices away.