"If you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones;
'cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs"
from Youth by Daughter
July fifteen, fifteen days before The Punishment
Dear Diary,
I'm Maggie, and I'm from District Four. I'm eleven years old. Mummy says I'm to write in this every day, or she'll be sorry she bought it for me. Mummy's got enough to be sorry about, though, cause Daddy and Julius went away in the Rebellion. I can tell it's very important, cause it's always with a capital at the beginning, Rebellion and not just rebellion. Mummy said Daddy and Julius are maybe gonna come back soon, but I don't think so. She cries a lot at night when she thinks I'm not listening, but I can hear because the house is big and empty with just us in it. There's no Daddy to sit by the fire and smoke his pipe and tell me how big I've gotten. There's no Julius to play games with me and say I'm a supercool little sister. I wrote it like that cause that's how he writes it, so it's like he's right here with me!
Hugs and kisses, Maggie.
July sixteen, fourteen days before The Punishment
Dear Diary,
I never said what The Punishment was, did I? Well, see, the new president said on the television she had a punishment for the districts. President Shantt- President Shantareel- I really can't spell it, but I think it's a mushroom- the president is pretty, but she's mean. Someone who gives all the districts a Punishment can't be so good. She said it would be a game, but I don't believe her. Games are fun, not Punishments! Especially the ones Julius played with me. Now I have to go, cause Mummy is crying again. She's baking, and I'm scared she'll set the house on fire and burn us up. I don't think she'd care. I hope Daddy and my supercool big brother will come home soon.
Hugs and kisses, Maggie.
July seventeen, thirteen days before The Punishment
Dear Diary,
Things are going real bad right now. Peacekeepers are everywhere! They're invading everyone's houses. They broke down our door and I could've just opened it, you know. They were so rude. They asked Mummy so many questions about the Rebellion and Daddy and Julius and if she'd oppose The Punishment. I wasn't supposed to listen, cause one of them said 'Get lost, kid'. That was supermean! Julius would punch them and tell them you can't say that to a little girl. So I listened anyway. They said something about Daddy and Julius being prisoners of war, and we couldn't pay our debts, and then Mummy started crying, so I ran out of my hiding spot. The peacekeepers pushed me out of the room! That's even meaner! They said 'We could just take your fine-looking girl, and count the debt as paid', but Mummy cried even more and made them get out of the house. I never saw her so mad before. Hoping Daddy and supercool Julius will come home and Mummy won't cry any more.
Hugs and kisses, Maggie.
July eighteen, twelve days before The Punishment
Dear Diary,
Mummy sold my dollies and my big pink rocking pegasus and all my hats. I didn't really play with the dollies or rocking pegasus any more, and nobody wears hats right now, but she could've asked me first! I said it was mean, and she said a very rude word at me, and started crying AGAIN. She doesn't even care if I hear now. She said I could take my toys and hats to the bad place, where I was gonna go if I didn't leave her alone. Then she said I'd never see Daddy or Julius again, because they were gonna go to the good place. Nothing is supercool anymore, because everything I do makes her cry now. I wish I could be better and not so terrible, because only terrible people go to the bad place. I don't even know what I did! I thought President Mushroom was the terrible person. Excuse me if this is hard to read. I think my eyes watered on it. My room is really dusty.
Hugs and kisses, Maggie.
July nineteen, eleven days before The Punishment
Dear Diary,
Everything is going very wrong! I was cold when I woke up this morning, and there was a loud pounding, and guess what was downstairs? There was a big hole in the side of the house where the dining room used to be! Some peacekeepers were tearing it down and tossing all the wood into a pile. Mummy was standing off to the side in just a pink nightgown, screaming and yelling at them. 'Just you wait till my husband and son get home!' she said. 'When we pay off our debt, you're all going to be sorry!' They told her that Daddy and Julius were NEVER coming home, ever again. I had to run back up to my room so nobody would see me listening in. Peacekeepers really get mad about that. They get mad about everything. Nothing is supercool, or supergood, and I was hungry all morning because Mummy couldn't feed me anything until they were gone. When she did, it was just some dry toast and water with specks in it. She said we couldn't afford something better. President Mushroom said she had at least a thousand prisoners of war. Are Daddy and Julius two of them?
Hugs and kisses, Maggie.
July twenty, ten days before The Punishment
Dear Diary,
Today the whole district got filled with a cloud of smoke that stung my eyes and made me start choking. Mummy swept up the stairs to where I was screaming, and she carried me down into the basement where it was safe. She was crying, and I don't think it was just from the smoke. She said Daddy and Julius had to go through that smoke in the Rebellion, and we should be able to handle just a bit of it. I told her I was tired of handling things like that, and tired of bad things happening, and tired of Daddy and Julius not coming home. I really, really hate the president for doing all these things. Today I didn't get anything to eat at all because upstairs was still smoky. I had to stay in the basement with Mummy and do nothing. She said she loved me, but I'm not sure I believe her. If she loved me, wouldn't she tell me exactly what happens to prisoners of war? Nothing is ever gonna be supercool again if they don't come home.
Hugs and kisses, Maggie.
July twenty one, nine days before The Punishment
I hate her! I hate her! I hate her! I hate her! I hate her! I hate her! I hate her!
July twenty two, eight days before The Punishment
I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. I really didn't mean it. Mummy, I'm sorry. I don't really hate you. Please come back. I didn't mean for you to see this. I only wrote that because you said they weren't ever coming back. I didn't mean for you to jump off the roof, because you can't fly like a pegasus, and you died, and nobody else even cared, and I'm scared and cold and alone. Nothing's ever gonna be the same again.
July twenty three, seven days before The Punishment
Stupid hateful Diary,
I don't even know why I'm writing in this. Mummy's dead and there's no point to anything. President Stupid Hateful Mushroom says she's gonna let the prisoners of war go soon, but I don't care. Daddy and Julius are probably dead anyway. And if they came home, there'd be no more Mummy, and still nothing would be the same again. The Punishment can't possibly be any worse than what's happened. I'm in a stupid hateful orphanage now, and a stupid hateful boy who has a dead girlfriend keeps singing and won't shut up. 'She is the one I have lived for, I've waited for so many years, now she is leaving me lonely, feel like I'm drowning in tears.' I'm drowning in tears too, but I don't sing about it and make even more people want to jump off the roof.
Maggie, a stupid hateful girl who should be dead.
July twenty four, six days before The Punishment
You know how I said things couldn't possibly be any worse? You know, how my stupid hateful self who doesn't know ANYTHING wrote that? Well, things just did. You know how President Stupid Hateful Mushroom said she'd let the prisoners of war go soon? Well, she did. Off the roof of the tallest Capitol building. Guess what? I saw Daddy and Julius there. They fell and hit the ground like Mummy, with big splats. Supercool, President Mushroom. Maybe it's just a thing that happens in our family. We fall off a roof and go splat. I'm really thinking about it myself. It'd be nice to just go splat and not have to worry about anything any more. If I went to the bad place, it'd be worse than what could ever happen where I am, but I just don't care any more.
July twenty five, five days before The Punishment
Dear Diary,
Today I ate a pink cake with sparkles and rainbow sugar all over it. I got a new puppy, too, because it's my birthday! I got in an argument with Mummy because the puppy was brown and not white like I wanted. She's so mean! I cried all day in my room, because life isn't fair, and I get stupid brown puppies instead of white ones.
I wish.
Today was my birthday. Happy birthday to me. I'm twelve now. It's something to do with The Punishment, but honestly, I couldn't care less. Whoopee to your supercool birthday, Maggie. Your Mummy is dead, your Daddy is dead, and your big brother is dead. Happy birthday. My life used to be like the first part, 'Boo-hoo I got a brown puppy instead of a white one'. I could have written that exact entry and truly meant it, about...ten days ago. Really just ten days. I feel like I've had a whole life since then. Everything is horrible and wrong, and I'm not the Maggie who wrote in the diary ten days ago, I'm a whole different Maggie who wants to go splat out a window. A lot has happened in ten days. I don't think I'm even Maggie any more.
July twenty six, four days before The Punishment
I was so lucky before all this happened. I can truly tell now that I was spoiled and bratty, and so very privileged. I was lucky to be truly alive, happy, breathing freely. Now I feel like I'm drowning in everything that happens. I feel like I'm in a room filling up with water. Mummy's death made it start filling up, then Daddy made it almost full, then Julius filled it to the top and drowned me. Maybe I'll start singing that stupid song. 'She is the one I have lived for,
I've waited for so many years, now she is leaving me lonely, feel like I'm drowning in tears.' Nothing could ever be worse than what's happened to me. Except for the bad place. I've lost everything.
July twenty seven, three days before The Punishment
You know what I said before? You know, last entry? Just one day ago? 'Nothing could ever be worse, I've lost everything'? Guess what, I was wrong. Do you know what a Peacekeeper did to me today?
I don't even want to say it. But I've lost something else now, something I can never get back. Mummy said if THAT ever happened to me before I got married, I'd go to the bad place. But THAT wasn't my fault at all. Or was it? I don't know any more. I don't know anything now. I'm not even sure if the bad place could be worse than Panem now. Now, I've truly lost everything. Losing my life doesn't matter enough to count as losing something. They can't take anything else away from me now.
July twenty eight, two days before The Punishment
I don't even know why I'm writing in this at all. Mummy said to write in it every day, but Mummy's gone, and I wish I could be gone, and this stupid diary doesn't even matter. I've lost my family, my home, and something else too awful to think about. All I have left, literally, is the diary. I'm twelve years old. Do I deserve to have all this happen to me? Does anyone? I'm not even the same person any more! I'm brushing Maggie's hair and crying Maggie's tears and eating with Maggie's mouth, but I'm not Maggie and I'm never gonna be Maggie ever again.
July twenty nine, one day before The Punishment
Tomorrow The Punishment happens. I really don't care. It can't be any worse than what's happened, and it can't be worse than the bad place, so why does President Mushroom even bother? I really want to die. Even if I went to the bad place. I just don't want to keep living any more. Everything I do is a torture. I have to force myself to get out of bed each morning and not lie there until I die. I have to make myself take each step, take a bite of food, do anything at all. I'm not afraid of anything any more. What could possibly scare me now?
July thirty, day of The Punishment
Dear Diary,
I've just gone to the bad place.
It's called the Hunger Games.
Nothing in this cruel Panem could be worse than this, so it's the bad place, where I was heading all along. I thought I couldn't be scared, but now I am. I'm gonna die and everything's all gonna be over. I'm never gonna write in here again, because I'm gonna die. I wish I hadn't been so bad and done...whatever is was that was so awful it got me in here. What did I even do? I want to be Maggie again.
I just want everything to be like it used to, but that's never ever gonna happen.
Love, Maggie.
September eleven, day of the Hunger Games's end
You know what? I said I couldn't lose anything else.
I said I'd lost everything.
I said nothing could be worse.
Well, welcome to my world. Hell. Oh no, Mummy, I'm gonna go there because I said it! Ha. I'm already in it. No more 'bad place'. The solid fact is: it's hell.
I lost the very last thing I had left. My innocence. I may have been a spoiled brat, but I'd never hurt a fly. Now I've killed...one, that girl who tried to save me…two, that little girl just my age...three, a boy who wanted to be my ally...and four, that young man who didn't think a twelve year old could gash his eyes out with her fingers.
I'm never gonna write in here again, cause there's nothing left of me to write with.
Love, a girl who used to be Maggie and never will again.
July thirty, day of the seventy fifth Hunger Games
Dear Diary,
I'm in the Hunger Games again. But I'm old now. I'm eighty seven years old, and I shouldn't have to go back in. Nobody even remembers the first Victor. Everyone thinks Finnick Odair from my district had the youngest victory at fourteen. Well, I won the very first Hunger Games at twelve. Now I will truly die, so, goodbye. Goodbye, Mummy. Goodbye, Daddy. Goodbye, Julius. I love you all and never stopped. Goodbye, supercool diary. Goodbye, Maggie. I'm not Maggie, and I haven't been for a long, long time.
Love, Mags.