This one is a sad song-fic. I don't own Rescue Bots.
And she's 23 at this point. It is March, and the second night on Griffin Rock. Time frame: night after Under Pressure, six months after Age of Extinction, and Ratchet's death.
Mourning
that evening
I climb into the berth the Autobots furnished for me in the bunker. I've been offered a room upstairs, but I just can't bring myself to stay with the humans. I managed to eat something tonight, to keep up appearances, but it wasn't a lot. I just want to be alone.
I plug my smartphone into a speaker and turn it up as high as it goes. I don't care if it upsets the bots, as I know it did in Diego Garcia, because right now, I just have to tune out my pain, and I only know one way—music.
Got a picture of you I carry in my heart
Close my eyes to see it when the world gets dark
Got a memory of you I carry in my soul
I wrap it close around me when the nights get cold
If you asked me how I'm doin' I'd say just fine
But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
After all this time you're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by
I look down at my locket, open in my hand. I have a picture of Optimus on one side, and Ratchet on the other. I have the same pictures on my phone, and more, but these two are special—one saved my life, when I was abused, and the other, taught me all I know, and cared for me. He was like a father to me—we had a guardian bond—and now…
Now I'm alone again.
I still wait for the phone in the middle of the night
Thinkin' you might call me if your dreams don't turn out right
And it still amazes me that I lie here in the dark
Wishin' you were next to me, with your head against my heart
If you asked me how I'm doing I'd say just fine
But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
After all this time you're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by
I run a finger over the picture as a few tears fall to my pink comforter. I'm their commander now. I can't show emotion around them—but that doesn't mean I can't cry in my private quarters. I have to get back to myself, for them. I was always so happy, and cheerful, eager to learn and determined to win; now, I'm broken, and I can't let them see me so…shattered. 'Oh, Ratch… First my parents shut me out, then you had to go and get yourself killed! Primus, I still needed you, Daddy!'
Minutes turn to hours, and the hours to days
Seems it's been forever that I've felt this way
Daddy… I've never called him that before—not when he was alive—not when Jazz was killed, not when Optimus died in front of me, not when Que was killed while he was sparked…Not even when Bluestreak died in Chicago.
Bluestreak. I'd almost forgotten him. My guardian, my best friend, and maybe my bonded someday. I was in love with him, and never got to tell him… Now…he's just another senseless casualty in this never-ending war. Just another mech I'll never see again, joining Prowl, Jazz, Sides, Sunny, my twins, Hide, and Aid.
Aid. I never did get the full story of how we lost him and his brothers, but he'd been my first start to medicine and science—the student became the teacher.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
After all this time you're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by
The song changes as I start to sob, clinging to an old dog I'd been given when I was nine, and using her to muffle my sobs. Oh, the bitter tears she's shared with me, over my lifetime. And I still manage to find more tears—both Cybertronian, and human. Sometimes, it amazes me, how life can be so beautiful, and so horrible, at the same time, but right now, I just wish I was with those I've lost. It's the first time I've wished that since I met the Autobots, years ago.
I'm on my knees
Only memories
Are left for me to hold
Don't know how
But I'll get by
Slowly pull myself together
I'll get through this
'As if. I'm not sure I'll survive this. My Guardian. My Daddy… Ratchet…'
There's no escape
So keep me save
This feels so unreal
Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it seems
Turn my grieve to grace
I sigh heavily, giving up the sorry attempt at muffling my sobs, and simply say a silent prayer, asking God to let them leave me alone for now.
I feel the cold
Loneliness unfold
Like from another world
Come what may
I won't fade away
But I know I might change
'Might? I already have. I don't know if I'll be able to get back to me, or if I'll have a new me. Surely I've seen too much carnage to be that innocent again…' I hear the door open, but keep my head down. I don't want anyone to see how heartbroken I really am.
Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it was
Turn my grieve to grace
Nothing comes easily
When do I regain?
Nothing can bring me peace
I've lost everything
I just wanna feel your embrace
I run my finger over the picture of Ratchet in my locket, wiping the tears off the thin plastic covering his picture, before closing it and letting it fall back to its place on my neck. I start to sing softly, my voice too high for the song, as it usually is when I'm like this, but clear just the same.
Weather man said it's gonna snow
By now I should be used to the cold
Mid-February shouldn't be so scary
It was only December
I still remember the presents, the tree, you and me
But you went away
How dare you
I miss you
They say I'll be okay
But I'm not going to ever get over you
Living alone here in this place
I think of you, and I'm not afraid
Your favorite records make me feel better
Cause you sing along
With every song
I know you didn't mean to give them to me
But you went away
How dare you
I miss you
They say I'll be okay
But I'm not going to ever get over you
It really sinks in, you know
When I see it in stone
My voice cracks, and a harsh sob breaks out, this one certainly loud enough to get someone's attention—their unwanted attention.
Cause you went away
How dare you
I miss you
They say I'll be okay
But I'm not going to ever get over you
I cup the locket in my hands. It's all I have left of my Cybertronian father, save the spark I saved from Lockdown. It's weak, and I can't communicate with it, so it's a small victory, and definitely not the one I wanted. "Why, Daddy… Why did you have to surrender?" I feel someone sit beside me on the padded berth, but refuse to look up. I do, however, shift to my Cybertronian form. It's easier to interact with them, and luckily, my locket had been a gift from Ratchet, and shifts with me. My star Matrix, and Lantern ring, both stay on chains in my human form, and one goes to my subspace, while the other merges with my spark—my broken, aching spark.
"Sheyenne?"
I look up to the red mech before turning back to my stuffed dog. "Don' wanna talk about it."
"I wasn't going to make you."
I take a shaky breath. I'm not falling apart around Heatwave. I'm all he's got, now that his commander's off in space. We still don't know if he's ever coming back.
I cringe when the haunting words from Lockdown flood my mind, like the screams from Chicago do, at night, when I'm trying to sleep. 'Where is Optimus Prime?'
Tearing me apart with words you wouldn't say,
And suddenly tomorrow's a moment washed away.
'Cause I don't have a reason, and you don't have the time,
But we both keep on waiting for something we won't find.
The light on the horizon was brighter yesterday,
With shadows floating over, the scars begin to fade.
We said it was forever but then it slipped away,
Standing at the end of the final masquerade.
The final masquerade!
All I ever wanted, the secrets that you keep,
All you've ever wanted, the truth I couldn't speak.
'Cause I can't see forgiveness, and you can't see the crime,
And we both keep on waiting for what we left behind.
I can't hold back anymore, and bury my face into Heatwave's plating as I start to cry again. Primus, but I wish I had more strength than this! I'm a Prime, damnit!
The music keeps playing in the background, as the leader of the Rescue Bots simply rubs my back, between my doorwings.
The light on the horizon was brighter yesterday,
With shadows floating over, the scars begin to fade.
We said it was forever but then it slipped away,
Standing at the end of the final masquerade.
The final masquerade!
The final masquerade!
Standing at the end of the final masquerade!
The light on the horizon was brighter yesterday,
With shadows floating over, the scars begin to fade.
We said it was forever but then it slipped away,
Standing at the end of the final masquerade.
Standing at the end of the final masquerade!
Standing at the end of the final masquerade!
The final masquerade!
I suddenly slam my fists into the fire-bot's plating, leaving small dents in his otherwise unblemished red finish. "Why, Primus? WHY!" He gasps, but thankfully doesn't shove me away as I throw myself into him with renewed sobs. "I wasn't ready to lose him, 'Wave!"
"Heatwave? I heard—What—"
"Don't, Chase."
Blades peers around the door. "What's wrong?"
"I don't know." He sighs. "I heard someone crying, and found her talking to herself."
Blades pushes his way past Chase before closing the door in his face. "And your Carrier programing wouldn't let you walk away."
He sighs before glancing down to me. "Optimus told me she was excitable and happy, but she hasn't done anything to prove it since she got here."
Blades sighs. "I know what you mean. She wasn't really paying attention when we were setting off that volcano." He sits on my other side and strokes my head. "Talk to us, Shey. You'll feel better."
I shake my head before taking a deep breath to calm down. "Spark break."
The two look surprised. "What?"
"I lost my guardian, to Lockdown. The only bond I had, with anyone." I look at my hands. "I've watched friends off-line for years, because of that senseless war. Jazz, Hot Spot, Groove, Streetwise, Blades… First Aid—" A soft sob slips out at the caring medic-in-training's name. I don't even notice the mech beside me flinch when I mention his name. "Slingshot, Air Raid, Silverbolt, Fireflight, Skydive, Elita-One, Arcee, Chromia, Prowl—" Another sob slips out at the mention of my stoic friend. He'd been the one to teach me of my culture, as a Praxian. "Sunstreaker, Ironhide, Mudflap, Skids—" The two had been my responsibility, and God, do I miss them. "Red Alert…" My protector, and when I'd have some kind of panic attack, my friend. "Que…" He'd been sparked. We lost two lives. "Bluestreak…" My guardian, my best friend, my first love, maybe my bonded someday. "Leadfoot, Topspin, Sideswipe, Dino, Ratchet—" I trail off for almost five minutes, just sobbing into Heatwave's plating. "Wheelie… Drift… Crosshairs… Hound… Brains…"
"But—"
Blades shakes his head before pulling me in for a hug. "It's going to be all right. We're still here."
Heatwave sighs, rolling his eyes over Blades' refusal. "Why didn't you tell us?"
I look at my lap, feeling very much like a scolded child. "Because I'm in command—Optimus put me in command—and I can't let you guys see me like this when you need me to be there for you."
"You're still a youngling, Sheyenne. We'd never ask you to go that far."
Blades sighs before laying a hand on my leg. "We're here, if you need to talk." He starts for the door. "Dani's expecting you to come with us on patrol tomorrow morning."
"Joy."
Blades smirks. "Not a morning person?"
I roll my eyes. "Not a life person, right now. Wanna crawl under a rock and die."
Heatwave crosses his arms. "Well we're not letting you do that."
"Apparently." I sigh heavily. "I promised Optimus I'd watch over the last of the Autobots, and, though Bee's all that's left besides us, I'm not going to quit. I've got more mettle than you all think. He's been dead for six months. I'm still alive, aren't I?" I rest a hand over my chest. "I have a chance to save him, 'Wave. I'm not throwing that chance away by throwing my life away."
"What?"
I look up to the Rescue Bot, a new-found hope in my eyes. "I saved his spark, from Lockdown. I've got his frame at the Shatterdome. It's gonna take years, but I'm gonna bring him back. So long as his spark's still glowing, there's a chance, however small, and I'm keeping it safe." I look down. "But I can't sense any more than his life force, and I don't know how long it can function like this, without a frame…"
Heatwave sighs, and runs a hand over my head. "You need to recharge, youngling. You've got to be up early tomorrow."
I scowl. "Don't remind me."
Blades smiles. "And I'll see if Chase wants to play chess with you sometime."
The two leave my room, leaving me confused. 'How did Blades know I liked to play chess with the bots? He's a Rescue Bot, not a Protectobot!'
I lie down on my side on the large berth, and pull my covers up, leaving my sad-song playlist playing over the speaker, and my cell plugged in. I trust Blades or Dani to wake me before our patrol tomorrow.
Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
And the dream that you dare to, why, oh why can't I?
main space, bunker
"Why wouldn't you let me tell her, Blades? She's in there, beating herself up over all the bots who raised her dying, and you're going to let her think you're off-line too!"
Blades looks down. "It's better that way."
"So what? So she can just off-line in her sleep like Prowl, or—"
"Optimus said he collapsed while they were playing chess. I was…" Blades sighs. "Training to be your EMT at the time."
Heatwave scoffs. "She cares for you, Blades! Couldn't you hear her? She couldn't bear losing your gestalt!"
"YOU THINK I COULD!? THEY WERE MY BROTHERS, HEATWAVE!" He turns away before punching the wall, leaving a large dent in the concrete, with cracks throughout. He sighs heavily. "I'm not turning my back on her." He runs a finger over the damaged wall of the bunker. "But she doesn't need to know I survived. If she did—you know as well as I do that the fact that I've lived this long is a miracle. I don't know how much longer I have before I join the Well. I don't want her counting the days until she loses another friend. I can't scar her like that. Lockdown damaged her enough." He sighs heavily before turning back to his bondmate. "I'm going to make her time here happy. She doesn't need to know I'm fading away." He lays a hand on Heatwave's arm. "Trust me. We need her far more than we need me." He sighs. "I'm going to hang on until she's healed, then I'll join my brothers in the Well." He looks down before locking eyes with Heatwave. "I'm sorry…"
Heatwave steps over to him before laying his hands on Blades' shoulders. "Don't—don't say that, Blades. You know we'd all do anything for you."
"I can't…" He sighs heavily. "Spark break is a killer, and there's never one of a gestalt."
"But you've survived this long—"
"Only because of you." He sighs before starting for his berth room. "I'm going to recharge. I've got a patrol early tomorrow. Don't stay up all night."