I hold back tears in a vain attempt not to cry as Daniel is lowered into the ground next to Charlie's grave.
God, I feel so guilty. Daniel killed himself because of me. That's why I handed my resignation into Hammond yesterday.
Glancing beside me, I see Janet and Carter hug each other, each crying. Teal'c places a hand on each of their shoulders.
This is a small funeral, only Carter, Janet, Teal'c, myself and General Hammond.
The General stands across from me. His eyes are full of tears he refuses to let fall, just like me.
Suddenly, I can't take it anymore, so I turn on my heel and walk to a small secluded spot, the same spot I sat after they buried Charlie.
It's my fault he's gone.
I thought I had read him right. I was sure he didn't feel the same way I felt about him.
God, I was so wrong.
-
Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
-
I didn't understand it, really, I thought that was all he wanted, I honestly didn't know he wan...
Who the fuck am I kidding?
I knew and I ignored it because I was too damn scared.
And now its too fucking late.
-
There's something inside me
That pulls beneath the surface
Consuming
Confusing
This lack of self control I fear is
Never ending
Controlling
-
I get up and lean against the tree, watching Teal'c, Carter, Janet and Hammond.
In two days, there will be a memorial service for Daniel at the SGC for the rest of the damned mountain.
And why not? He was the best linguist/archeologist/anthropologist the SGC had. Nobody can replace him.
Nobody.
As I watch, Teal'c nods to Hammond as he leads the two women towards their car. I know they will spend all night consoling each other.
I sit back down, my legs suddenly numb. Hammond walks over to where I am.
I don't look at him as he sits next to me.
"It wasn't your fault, Jack." He says. I hold back a snort of laughter as I pick at the grass beside me.
Hammond can say what he wants, but he doesn't know the truth.
He doesn't know the real reason Daniel committed suicide.
"It was my fault, sir." I say, still picking at the grass.
"What do you mean?' Hammond asks gently. I know he doesn't believe me.
"Daniel killed himself because I couldn't bring myself to admit I love him.
"That, General Hammond, is why you need to accept my resignation?"
"Jack, there was nothing to prove that Dr. Jackson killed himself be..." He doesn't finish his sentence as I shove the worn, folded letter from Daniel into his hands.
I feel tears run down my face as he reads it.
-
I can't seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
Without a sense of confidence
And I'm convinced
That there's too much pressure to take
I've felt this way before
So Insecure
-
When he finishes, Hammond folds the letter again and sits back.
"I see." Is all he says.
"General, you have to accept my resignation." I plead quietly.
"No, Jack. I want you to take some time off and think it over, okay."
"Yes, sir." I mumble.
"As of now, you are on leave, Jack I suggest you go somewhere you can think."
"Yes, sir." My voice sounds dead even to me. I don't look at him.
"He wouldn't want you to hurt yourself, Jack, no matter what this letter implies, no matter what you think." Hammond speaks as though he knows something I don't. I lift my head to look at him. He smiles sadly at me and hands me the letter before getting up and leaving.
I remain there and stare at the folded piece of paper that is Daniel's suicide letter.
I know where I'll go.
-
Discomfort
Endless has pulled itself upon me
Distracting
Reacting
Against my will
I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem
To find myself again