Can you keep a secret?
I never truly got over losing Illyana.
That sounds strange. I know. Illyana only just died. We only buried her a week ago. No one has gotten over it.
The professor never looked so old. The new kid, Jubilee, is traumatized. And Peter, oh, poor Peter. It's driven him off the deep end.
But, and this is my secret, a part of me is glad. Because this is not the first time I lost Illyana.
She didn't die. I don't know how to describe it, except to say that she just, ceased to exist. In her place was a small, innocent child of six.
Illyana was still there, but my friend Illyana, known as Magik, was gone for good.
Never again would she scold me for being immature. Never again would she and I go on trips to the mall, or the movies. Never again would we fight side by side, unbeatable comrades in arms.
I had lost the person closer to me than any sister ever could be, someone my soul was even bonded to.
And yet I couldn't mourn.
How could I mourn Illyana, when she was right there? What right had I, when this was what Illyana had always wanted? To be free of what Belasco had done to her, to be innocent again.
I knew I was being selfish, so I kept it to myself.
I even grew to care for the child that had been my best friend. Everyone did. She was so full of life, so sweet.
But I couldn't thinking, from time to time, that it would have been easier if she had actually died. If I had some sense of closure, not a bundle of joy that constantly reminded me what was missing in my life.
Be careful what you wish for.
No one should suffer as this child did. It wasn't as bad as my Illyana suffered, but it was still unimaginable.
I told myself that that was why I sided with Moira when she was against the Professor putting Illyana in suspended animation. My friend would have wanted myself and everyone else to let go in that situation.
But the child was not my Illyana, and in a way I killed her when I said it. That may have been what I wanted.
For when the child, when Illyana Rasputin finally died, so long after she had ceased to exist, I was finally able to cry.
No one knew that I was not crying over the small little girl, at least not entirely.
No one knew that I was finally letting out the tears that I had kept inside since I first lost Illyana.
Everyone has convinced themselves that the two Illyana's were one and the same. But I know better. Ororo gave that eulogy-it was a beautiful eulogy, really.
But it had nothing to do with my Illyana, and Storm never even noticed the difference.
Now I have what I wanted. A body to bury. An excuse to mourn. And no one can tell me to be happy for Illyana, for what she's become.
Now I can finally heal and let go of the Illyana I so loved.
That's my secret, and I'll take it to my grave.