A Very Lop-Sided Tail
"Ma'am, could you please recount the incident for us?"
She began to reply, but before she could say a word the sobs started again.
"I'll tell you what happened," a deep voice boomed. Sergeant Lop sighed and looked up into the fanatical eyes of Father Fluffy. "I think a more empirical account would be of use here, Father," he suggested politely.
"It was the Hand of God," Father Fluffy shouted, his face one of religious zeal, "descended from above to punish the wicked!"
Sergeant Lop wondered briefly how much trouble you would get into for hitting a priest.
" Patches ent never did nothing wrong!" Kiki shouted through the sobs, the accusation almost as painful as her triple negative.
"He must have! God wouldn't unjustly punish the pure and holy. So if Patches was struck by the Lord he must have been a wicked sinner! QED! Probably withholding his carrot tithe from the church!" the priest exulted gleefully.
"Father, I don't think you're helping the situation…" the Sergeant said wearily.
"You et all of last weeks carrots! I saw you! They were for the orphanage!" Kiki countered accusingly.
"They were for what purpose the Church and God intends them for! And if it was decreed that we, the humble servants of God should enjoy His blessings, then so be it!" Spittle flew everywhere.
"God, say it, don't spray it," said Bun Bun, the adolescent.
"Did you just use the Lords name in vain?" Father Fluffy said, horrified.
"Settle down, folks!" Sergeant Lop tried to take control of the situation, and failed spectacularly.
"You little hare-a-tic, you'll meet the same fate as your father!"
"Don't talk about my pop that way, you robed bastard!"
"Why you little- God Almighty, punish the sinful child with your mighty hairy Hand, as you did with the infidel Patches-"
"Silence!" Sergeant Lop was at breaking point. "I just! Need! A statement! Then all of you can go back to tearing each other's ears off, damnit!"
There was a brief silence, broken by Father Fluffy muttering "Damn you. I'm going to heaven."
Sergeant Lop sighed. "Kiki," he said gently, "tell me again what you saw."
Chest heaving, she shakily composed herself. "We were having dinner-"
"Eating carrots rightfully belonging to the kingdom of God, no doubt-"
Sergeant Lop shot Father Fluffy a glare so intense that the zealot faltered.
"-And out of nowhere, this giant hand-"
"The Hand of God," Father Fluffy said sagely, before being silenced by another look from the officer.
"-Breaks through the walls of our warren, feels around, and grasps hold of Patches. His hold was almost tender …"
"God is always tender, even when administering deserved retribution…"
"This hand then pokes some object into poor Patches' eye, and then, and then-"
"And then?" the officer asked wearily.
"And then he squeezed til Patches' conked!" she wailed.
"No more than he deserved-"
"Could I see this object?" Sergeant Lop inquired, ignoring the ranting fanatic.
Wordlessly, she handed it to him.
"It seems to be… convex in nature? I can't for the life of me figure out what it is," Sergeant Lop deposited it in the Evidence bag. "Investigations will continue, and we'll inform you as soon as we find anything. As you know, we have our hands full recently, what with the strange incidents recently…"
"Like 'One-Ear' Rabid?" Bun Bun chipped in.
"I don't have the authority to confirm anything-"
"One-Ear said he was burrowing with the team, and they heard this beeping noise, getting faster and faster and fasterer, then One Ear was running, and there was this boom! And there was this explosion, and One Ear got away without losing too many parts, but the team, the team, they-"
"Fire and brimstone, just like the good old days!" Roared Father Fluffy. "It'll be the Apocalypse soon, mark my words! Then you sinners will burn in hell while I sit at the hairy right Hand of God and spit at your pathetic souls, but you'll be grateful for the spittle, because it'll be cooler than the sulphur-"
Sergeant Lop made a quick Cost-Benefit Analysis™ and punched the priest in the head. Father Fluffy sank to the floor, unconscious.
"Thank you, folks. I'll inform you as soon as there're any leads."
And with that he stepped out of the warren and headed for the Burrows, hoping he would miss rush hour.
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"How did the case go, Lop?" asked the Sheriff Herb E. Vore.
Sergeant Lop sighed. "Father Fluffy was there."
"Ah. Enough said. Is he still going on about that apocalypse gibberish?"
"Not when I left him. Knocked him out, stone cold." Sergeant Lop rubbed his temples.
"Good bunny! I've always been tempted to do that." Sherrif Herb clapped his officer on the back encouragingly.
"I think I'll head for the Break Room and take a nap. Honestly, I'm dead tired. I'll write up the report in the morning, okay?"
"Sure, no problem. Your hours are so irregular, I swear, you're almost diurnal. Take a rest, you deserved it," Sheriff Herb said reassuringly.
"Thanks, mate. Good morning," Sergeant Lop said wearily.
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Sergeant Lop tossed and turned. As tired as he was, he just couldn't sleep.
He reached into his bag and rummaged around for his steady supply of sleeping pills. Discovering them behind a power carrotbar wrapper and a old alfalfa sandwich, he unscrewed the cap and popped a tablet, and promptly fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.
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As the Sheriff heard snores drift from the Break Room, he shook his head and chuckled.
"I swear, that bunny would sleep through the end of the world," he said, perhaps a bit enviously.
He yawned and wished he could take a quick nap too.
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"Is everything good to go?" Commander Root barked.
"Yes, Julius, it's 'good to go'," Foaly replied, rolling his eyes.
"Don't make me feed you your hooves," the Commander said menacingly. "Now push the button, before I push it with your face."
Grumbling, the centaur pushed the button, launching the bio-bomb into Fowl Manor.