The Avatar Solstice Carol.
(I don't own Avatar OR Dicken's work
For Mormonmaiden cause she's a nutter and the Teo-stuff is for Hello.Lovely cause she's lovely...)
STARRING - LONG FENG AS SCROOGE AND OTHERS...
EXT. SOMEWHERE OVER BA SING SE
NARRATOR
I'm here to tell you a story.
Yes, it's one you've heard a thousand times before... but who cares? (The copyright's expired so it's free turkey!)
We begin this story with a man. A man so self-deluded and hung up on world conquest that he found himself severely beaten at his own game (but that's another story... and no, the copyright hasn't expired on that one.)
Anyway, back to our man. Oh, here he is now.
LONG FENG walks into the scene we are:
INT. THE EARTH KINGDOM PALACE
LONG FENG
I hate myself.
NARRATOR
That's the spirit!
This man was known for doing evil things... and conspiring with the Fire Nation was one of the most evil things.
It seemed like he was never going to change his ways...
So we'll get to the real part of the story where he DOES change his ways and skip all that boring stuff about him not letting his Dai Li celebrate the solstice because they had to work their butt off for the Princess of the Fire Nation like he did.
INT. LONG FENG'S BEDROOM
NARRATOR
So this is where all the action happens. No, not that kind of action.
this is still a kids show!
Long Feng was sleeping when he was woken at 1am to the sound of chimes.
Long Feng is in bed sleeping, suddenly we hear CHIMES and see a bright light. Long Feng jumps upright and shields himself.
LONG FENG
Noooo! It's the Avatar State!!!
AVATAR ROKU
It's not the Avatar State.
LONG FENG (dazed)
Is Azula taking practice shots at my lower body again?
AVATAR ROKU
No. I am the ghost of the Solstice past and I have come to show you what a miserable existence you've lead.
LONG FENG
Are you my mommy?
Avatar Roku just shakes his head, sadly.
AVATAR ROKU (dramatically)
Take my hand and we'll go back to the future!
Long Feng blinks.
AVATAR ROKU
Oh. Ok. I mean into the past. I've got to win three more Pai Sho games before I get the role of the future ghost.
Long Feng takes his hand and Avatar Roku swings open the window. They stream off into the night.
LONG FENG (in amazement)
I can fly!
AVATAR ROKU
And YOU almost took over the Earth Kingdom?
They land at... the same palace, 50 years earlier... (ALRIGHT!ALRIGHT!) 15 years... Long Feng isn't THAT old...
INT. THE EARTH KINGDOM PALACE
Long Feng and Avatar Roku stand outside the palace window (one of the many) and watch an eight-year old Earth King play with his bear.
EARTH KING
I don't need parents, because I have my bear!
He pulls the bear into an awwwww-worthy hug.
LONG FENG
Him and that bear! It should have been me!
Avatar Roku gives him a strange look.
AVATAR ROKU
I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.
AN OLDER BOY is also watching the Earth King, and Avatar Roku points to him.
AVATAR ROKU
Recognize that boy?
LONG FENG
Should I?
Avatar Roku sighs and gets a fake mustache out of his pocket which he sticks on the boy.
AVATAR ROKU
Now?
LONG FENG
Oh yeah... it's me!
AVATAR ROKU
At this time of the solstice you didn't play as other boys did... you just plotted his downfall.
LONG FENG (smiles)
That was a good year...
AVATAR ROKU (annoyed)
And you did that EVERY year!
LONG FENG
The past is boring! The famous Avatar isn't in it. Can we move on?
AVATAR ROKU (even more annoyed)
Sure... sure... I'm only a dead Avatar... what do I know?
A cloud of fog and then...
INT. LONG FENG'S BEDROOM
Long Feng is back on his bed, in his fabulous Earthbender PJs and is hugging his pillow.
LONG FENG
Hey! Where did the Earth King go? Never mind... I'll just go back to sleep.I'm going to have sweet dreams tonight!
NARRATOR
And he did... until the clock struck 2...
The clock CHIMES and Long Feng is sitting up in a half daze again.
THE CABBAGE MERCHANT
Ohhhh... I'm the ghost of the Solstice Present and I'm here to show you what you're missing by being an evil,
sadistic coward!
LONG FENG
Hey! Nobody calls me by my pet name but Azula!
THE CABBAGE MERCHANT
Everyone in the Earth Kingdom calls you that.
LONG FENG
I thought they called me 'sexy guy with a mustache who follows around the Earth King' but just as long as they know who I am, I'm happy.
THE CABBAGE MERCHANT
So let's go and see the horrors that you've left in your wake.
The Cabbage Merchant and Long Feng dissipate to...
EXT. NORTHERN AIR TEMPLE
The Avatar, AANG is laughing with Katara and Toph watching Sokka try to lick together a pair of air goggles that he broke.
THE CABBAGE MERCHANT
Recognize this boy?
LONG FENG
The Avatar! Oh goodie!
He rubs his hands in anticipation.
LONG FENG
May I please take him out now? Azula said there'd be "special rewards"
THE CABBAGE MERCHANT
No. You have to learn a lesson first,
and then buy some of my cabbages... and give me a cabbage patch too... because you're such a nice guy.
LONG FENG
I thought you said I was evil.
THE CABBAGE MERCHANT
Just watch the scene!
Long Feng does. TEO rolls in.
LONG FENG
Woah! Who's the kid in the wheelchair? Did I do that?
THE CABBAGE MERCHANT (sombre)
That's Tiny Teo and no... He was injured by the Fire Nation.
LONG FENG
Where's someone that I've injured?
THE CABBAGE MERCHANT
Were getting to that! Look! See how miserable he is?
Long Feng looks a little closer.
LONG FENG
He doesn't look miserable at all.
THE CABBAGE MERCHANT
That's because he has the spirit of Solstice! Sheesh! Aren't you getting it yet? Solstice. Happy. You. Not happy.
LONG FENG
Wait. So the boy can't bend AND he's in a wheelchair?
THE CABBAGE MERCHANT
Yes.
LONG FENG
That unfortunate boy. Why aren't the others looting his chair if he can't fight back? Surely the Avatar could take all the cool gadgets off of it.
The Cabbage Merchant starts tearing out fistfuls of hair.
THE CABBAGE MERCHANT
Urgh!
The Cabbage Merchant pulls him along to an...
EXT. BA SING SE ALLEYWAY
Longshot and Smellerbee are huddled, big orphan eyes and barely covering themselves with a small blanket.
THE CABBAGE MERCHANT
You see these two? Thanks to you they'll be having a Solstice alone.
LONG FENG (nonchalant)
I'm crying.
THE CABBAGE MERCHANT
You killed off their father and left them orphans...
SMELLERBEE
He didn't kill off our father.
THE CABBAGE MERCHANT
Mother?
SMELLERBEE
Nope.
THE CABBAGE MERCHANT
Cabbages?
SMELLERBEE
Our LEADER idiot!
GHOST JET
Hey!
SMELLERBEE
Sorry... I meant... LEADER, idiot!
LONG FENG
You'll have to remind me... I'm not very good with names.
THE CABBAGE MERCHANT
He was with the Avatar.
LONG FENG
Oh, that was a classic moment. Can we see that on flashback?
THE CABBAGE MERCHANT
I'm not the ghost of the Solstice past... and you've already ticked him off.
LONG FENG
Can we go back and see Tiny Teo again,
that little kid reminds me of me... if I were disabled... and weren't... me?
THE CABBAGE MERCHANT
Can you stop trying to dictate this? Just because you can't dictate anything in your own life anymore!
LONG FENG
That was low!
BEAVIS & BUTTHEAD
Uh-huh-huh-huh, he said "dic"...
THE CABBAGE MERCHANT
Look. Just remember when this is all over, you're going to buy some cabbages alright? And be happy. But don't smile... or sing... because it will freak everybody out.
The Cabbage Merchant leaves Long Feng back at...
INT. LONG FENG'S BEDROOM
Long Feng shakes his head. He is back on his bed.
LONG FENG
I've got to do something to make this room ghost proof!
DANNY PHANTOM
Perhaps I can help!
Long Feng shrieks like a woman and ducks for cover under the blankets.
DANNY PHANTOM (sheepish)
Oh, yeah... I'm still in Phantom mode.
The clock CHIMES. It is three o'clock.
IROH
I am the Pai Sho champion... and also the ghost of the Solstice future. I'm not supposed to talk but just point ominously... so I'll shut up now.
LONG FENG
So it'll just be like talking to myself? Somehow I'm no stranger to that.
They're now transported to a...
EXT. GRAVEYARD
LONG FENG
Oh no! Is it Tiny Teo?
Iroh just points ominously to the tombstone.
Long Feng gets closer.
LONG FENG
Hang on... I can't quite read the...
He stops and gasps... then trembles.
LONG FENG (reading)
Here lies Long Feng. Killed... by Azula.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Can't I be killed by the Avatar instead? It's so demeaning to be killed by a woman!
Iroh smirks.
LONG FENG
So what happened to Tiny Teo? And the Avatar and friends?
They transport again... magically (ohhhhhhhh...) to:
INT. THE EARTH KINGDOM PALACE
Aang, Katara, Sokka, Toph and Tiny Teo are all strapped up. Tiny Teo is being caressed by a dagger held by MAI.
AZULA paces around them.
AZULA
You will all be brainwashed to fight for the Fire Nation by the Dai Li, except for you... Tiny Teo... you will become Fire Nation property and my girls will get to do whatever they want with you.
TINY TEO
Score!
SOKKA (gulps, to Teo)
Hey... wanna trade?
LONG FENG
Those are my Dai Li! They can't brainwash the Avatar! He has the invincible Avatar State!!!
IROH
Yes, but you're not around to warn them.
LONG FENG
I thought you weren't meant to...
Iroh zips his lips and points ominously at Azula.
LONG FENG
So all this would happen if I don't start celebrating the Solstice?
Iroh nods.
LONG FENG
Hmmm... perhaps the Dai Li DO deserve a day off. Thanks Ghost of the Christm...
Uh... I mean... Solstice Future.
IROH
You can thank me with tea.
He gives a wave and tinkers off.
INT. LONG FENG'S BEDROOM
Long Feng jovially throws open his window (again!), filled with excitement for the day ahead.
LEE is out on the street, collecting things for his mother.
LONG FENG (to the boy)
Do you know what day this is?
LEE
Avatar day?
LONG FENG (to self)
I knew I was forgetting something important!
LONG FENG (to boy)
No stupid boy... not the day... the season?
LEE
The Winter Solstice.
LONG FENG
Good. Go and by me an Avatar pin cushion. And perhaps a fancy tart for my boss... and candy canes for ALL the Dai Li!
LEE
I haven't any money.
LONG FENG (agitated)
Must I do everything?
He throws a bag of money down to him.
Long Feng pulls his head back in the window and skips down the stairs...
INT. THE EARTH KINGDOM PALACE
The Dai Li are standing around waiting instruction.
LONG FENG
Men! May I have your attention. Now,
because I've become more loving and all that stuff... You have the day off...
THE DAI LI
What about Azula?
LONG FENG
I'll deal with her... now run along.
THE DAI LI
Yay!!!!
Azula comes into the room.
AZULA
Where's my men?
LONG FENG
They have the day off so we can spend the day together.
AZULA
Oh, brother.
LONG FENG
What was that?
AZULA
You can spend the day with my brother.
I'm not going anywhere near you...
NARRATOR
And from that point on... Long Feng got away with his first rebellion from Azula and really... that's what the season is all about.
THE CABBAGE MERCHANT
And someone bought my cabbages!
NARRATOR
And THAT'S what the season is all about.
So have a Merry Christmas... and God Bless you all... every one.
The sound of CHIMING and CAROLING is heard, as Long Feng and ZUKO enjoy the sharing of Cactus juice and Azula is blocking her ears.
THE END.