This is my first South Park fiction ever! So uh…please read it!
*Disclaimer: I do not own South Park or any of the characters/settings mentioned in this story.
Played
[So I Made This Deal]
Let me introduce myself. My name is Craig Tucker and I am sixteen years-old. I live in a small place named South Park. If there were such a phrase as "hick-town" in the dictionary, and you looked it up, South Park would basically be the definition. Small, in the middle of nowhere, and full of (probably) inbred red-necks. Anyway, back to me. I, Craig Tucker, like things boring; thus, making me a very boring person. I've also got the voice to match. I wear the same thing everyday; a blue sweatshirt with black jeans and—of course—a matching chullo hat with a yellow puff ball on the top. As for my looks, they are beautifully average; from my bright blue eyes to my slightly pimpled chin. I have about a million acquaintances, but only two actual friends. Their names are Token and Clyde, and we've known each other for about as long as I can remember. They are also very average…well except for Token because his family is fucking loaded.
In a perfect world, my life would be boring and uneventful. I would go through the entire day, knowing exactly what was going to happen and when it was going to happen. But sadly, that's not the way South Park works. Every week, some crazy shit manages to threaten the town's existence or just fuck everything up. The fault for these events, I have concluded, is a group of four dick heads named: Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman, and Kenny McCormick. It may seem unbelievable, but in one day this group of cock suckers managed to get me deported to Peru. And, it is because of that, that I cannot stand them. However, out of all the boys, there is one I have grown up to hate the most.
Kenny.
Surprised right? Yeah, I bet you were thinking it was Cartman because he's a complete douche bag, or Kyle because he's a smart-ass, or Stan because he's a fucking jock. Nope, it's Kenny, because that damn kid won't leave me the hell alone! (You see, I even wrote down an exclamation point, that's how much I hate him, I rarely use exclamation points) Around sixth grade Kenny had the reputation for being the class whore. He would chase after anything that was breathing and remotely resembled a human being. Around eighth grade, I was the object of his affection, and I found myself being dry humped every other hour of school. He wanted to get into my pants, because at the time, there were also rumors about me being a pretty good fuck. So ever since those, that damn blonde has been all over me. I know his feelings are nothing close to love; he's just a horny bastard.
However…
It's because of Kenny that you have a story to read in front of you at this moment. Because, if it weren't for his constant pestering and groping hands, I would have never noticed an old friend of mine named Tweek Tweak.
XXX
It was Monday, the first day of a new semester in my junior year of high school. Park County High is nothing to brag about, which is why I didn't bother to write it in my introduction earlier. Just picture a large brick building with a few cars parked in front of it (the parking lot is very small, because almost no kid in South Park owned a car). Huh, where was I?
It was Monday, and I just got out of my Trig class. I was a bit drowsy, because numbers always managed to lull me to sleep. To be honest, I usually slept in Trig, but still managed to get a B+ in the class. What can I say? I like numbers; they play by strict rules that never really change. Anyway, I have math class fourth period, which is the hour before lunch. I walked to my locker slowly, with my back-pack lazily slung over one shoulder. Clyde would be at my locker soon, and together we would walk down to the Cafeteria and find Token sitting at our usual table. Just as I predicted, I was greeted by the slightly chubby brunette as I retrieved my bag lunch.
"Sup Craig?" He said cheerfully, and I flipped him off before shutting my locker. He ignored the common gesture. "I've got some…interesting news for you." He wiggled his eyebrows, as if that was supposed to make me more interested.
"And what would that be?" I asked monotonously.
"I heard from Kevin that, that chick Red is into you." Clyde smirked.
"Oh really." I didn't give a shit.
"Yeah man, you should go for her, she's totally hot."
"She is pretty hot." I shrugged. I'm a guy, what can I say?
"Maybe you guys could get together." Clyde continued. I began to get a bit irritated; I knew where this was going. "I think you two would make a good couple." I flipped him off and he groaned.
"I've told you a million times that I'm not into dating right now." I growled. It was completely true; do you think I would screw up my daily routine for some chick? No way, I'll just hit and ditch.
"Come on Craig, I can't remember the last time you dated someone! Keep this up and people will think you're a fag or something."
"Jesus Christ Clyde, forgive me for enjoying myself before I'm married off to a cousin or some shit." I grumbled as the cafeteria's entrance was coming into view. Speaking of fags, I noticed a familiar figure dressed in orange leaning against the door way. I let out an agitated groan and flipped off the ceiling, thus flipping off God for putting Kenny McCormick on this planet. Clyde snickered beside me.
"Well, if you're not interested in Red, at least you've got Kenny." He chuckled, and I socked him in the arm. Clyde let out a whimper and pouted angrily.
The blonde boy began sauntering our way, putting an arm around me as he winked at Clyde's amused expression. The brunette chuckled and patted me on the back, quickly picking up his pace. "I'll meet you at the table." A flash of my finger and he was already through the cafeteria doors. I shoved Kenny away from me before also showing him my favorite gesture. The boy just shook his head and laughed.
"Oh Craig, someday you'll be moaning out my name." He said dreamily, and I couldn't help but vomit at the thought as we were walking into the lunch room.
"Fuck you faggot, get out of my face."
"You know," Kenny sighed, "I'm beginning to think that you don't want to have me around." His blue eyes stared at me with false sadness that would have made anyone else's heart break. But, I wasn't anyone else; I was Craig tucker, so I just flashed him the bird again. Kenny pouted.
"It's about damn time that got through your thick skull." I mumbled, making my way to my usual lunch table. Unfortunately, Kenny decided to slip an arm around my shoulder yet again. He forced the both of us to a stop. I was about to shove him roughly off of me again, but his next words made me hesitate.
"Well, I've thought about it, and I'm going to leave you alone…" I opened my mouth for a witty response but he cut me off, "…if you are able to accomplish something highly improbable." I raised an eyebrow skeptically.
"Dude you're full of shit."
"No I'm not! I swear on my life that I'll leave you alone." He huffed. I smirked, unable to resist myself.
"Knowing you, that doesn't mean much." Kenny quickly let go of me and graced me with a rare glare. Oops, struck a nerve.
"Fine," he rolled his eyes, "I'll swear on Butters' life." Once again I raised an eyebrow. Everyone knew Kenny had a soft spot for Butters. He didn't really joke around when it came to that pussy.
"Okay, so what is it?" I shrugged impatiently. This was cutting into my precious lunch period.
"You have to get someone to kiss you." Kenny stated, as if he were extremely clever. "On the lips!" He added quickly. There were a few moments of silence before I genuinely chuckled (not laugh, I never laugh). Kenny was still eying me like he was such the smart-ass.
"Jesus, that's it?" I smirked and began scoping the cafeteria. "Alright McCormick, just hang here for a few minutes." I began to walk toward Red's table but Kenny caught me by the arm, and waggled a bandaged finger in my face.
"Ah, ah Craig." He mused, "You have to get that kid to kiss you." He pointed to the corner of the lunch room, and my gaze followed his arm until it rested on a twitchy blonde kid sitting alone at a lunch table. He was constantly vibrating, and his mouth was mumbling silent nonsense as his large eyes darted from one table to another. His thin hands were curled around a silver thermos, which inevitably was full of coffee. My face contorted into a frown as I wrenched my arm out of Kenny's hand.
"You want me to kiss Tweek Tweak?" I growled.
"No, I want Tweek Tweak to kiss you." I folded my arms across my chest and glared back in Tweek's direction. God, he hadn't changed in the years that I've stopped hanging out with him. The kid's hair was still sprung out in every direction, and he still had his shirt buttoned incorrectly. The only difference was that Tweek looked a bit taller, but not much, since his significant caffeine intake had stunted his growth.
"Dude," I finally said, "I'm not a fag like you are. I don't kiss guys." Especially not Tweek.
"Fine." Kenny latched onto my arm again. "Mind if I join you for lunch?" I groaned and shoved him off of me again. The thought of Kenny McCormick out of my life forever was looking more and more appealing. I found myself glancing at Tweek again.
"Ugh, I'll do it." I mumbled. "It can't be that hard anyway, the kid is probably desperate for any kind of sexual attention." I said flatly. Kenny began laughing again. I gritted my teeth and bit back a million curse words.
"If only," he said, "I'd love to hear that cutie shout my name." The blonde licked his lips perversely before saying, "He claims to be 'a-sexual'." I ignored Kenny's previous statement and shrugged nonchalantly, walking to my table, desperate to eat my fucking lunch.
"Alright I'll do it," I said as I walked away, not bothering to look back at Kenny, "Count your last few days of harassing me faggot." I didn't turn as I heard the blonde respond.
"And don't try lying Tucker, I'll ask Tweek, that kid can't lie for shit!" I rolled my eyes and sat down to finally begin eating. Kenny was such a dumb-ass; this was going to be so easy. I mean, who didn't want a piece of me?
I wasn't aware of how fucking wrong I was.
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