In the end Annabeth decided that it's the guilt that's the worst.
The guilt that makes your stomach clench and unclench, the guilt that makes you want to scream yourself raw. The guilt that makes you want to stop breathing, just so you can forget this painful torture.
The nightmares are bad, every night dreaming of what happened down there. Monsters, demons, spirits, that had continually killed him. Over and over again. Peels the skin from his body, so all that's left is bones. Stabs into him, tracing a creative picture on his ribs. Ignite his entire body on fire, so he is engulfed by flames. Watching him take his last breaths.
The physical damage is terrible, with scars tracing up her muscular tan arms and legs. Short cropped hair, that had been long until it was ripped out of its roots. Dark bags under the eyes. Her tan skin was long gone, replaced by a sickly yellow color, that stretches out around her entire body. Her nice figure, replaced by a skeleton.
The mental damage is horrific. Hallucinations everywhere of anything; monsters, enemies, illusions, him being taken from her again. Puking up blood, at any thoughts of the malevolent place. Puking and puking up the red scarlet liquid. Over and over again. Every time she closes her eyes she sees more blood, more torture, the entire place called Tarturas itself.
Even out of all that, it's the guilt that destroys Annabeth Chase.
Her boyfriend Percy Jackson, had it much worse than she did, when they came out of Tarturas. He had suffered the most down there. Got tortured the most. Got sliced up the most. Got stabbed the most. And Annabeth hadn't gotten anything the most. She wished with every fiber in her being, that it had been her.
Percy refused to sleep.
Refused to laugh.
Refused to smile.
Refused to show any kind of affection.
Refused to eat.
Refused to go near water.
Refused to fight.
But most importantly he refused to live.
And he refused to speak. Only to Annabeth.
Every day he would say one thing to her, his green eyes almost black. "I love you." Then she would smile at him and return the statement. Then he wouldn't talk to anyone, even her, for the rest of the day. Then the next day he would say the same thing.
Then one day he didn't.
It felt like someone had stabbed her heart with a burning poison dagger.
He became cold and bitter after that, refusing to speak, unless it was to throw an insult around. Jason, Piper, Leo, Hazel, Frank tried though. They kept trying. Then they gave up on him.
But she didn't.
She kept trying.
"Do you want something to eat?" One day, a few months after Tarturas she tried to coax Percy into food. Anything. Her voice was soft and cautious, yet firm at the same time. Percy nodded, staring into space like he always did. Guilt plunged into her, when he did that. But, the guilt never did stop coming. It fueled her, it never went away, never stopped coming. Over and over again. She glanced a sideways glance at Percy, tears threatening to spill over lashes.
She wondered what he was thinking.
She began to throw together a sandwich when he spoke to her for the first time, in months. Annabeth beamed when she heard his voice. Then her smile faltered when she processed what he had said to her.
"It was your fault." The words were cold and cruel. Yet slick like someone cutting through fog. Her hands froze, dropping the turkey meat. Then her knees buckled and she fell to the floor. Forget holding the sky. Holding the guilt was much worse.
It was her fault.
If she had been thinking clearly, she could've untangled herself from the webs.
"Were staying together...you're not getting away from me . Never again."
"As long as were together."
Why had she agreed with him? She should've let go of his hand, the moment he caught her. Then he wouldn't be like this. Then the guilt wouldn't be killing her... piece by piece.
Annabeth sat on the floor, her legs half standing, the other half like a lifeless doll. No tears came, just the silent shock that took over her.
Her fault...
Her fault.
Her fault!
HER FAULT!
She gasped, and it came out half strangled, making her sound as if she was choking on blood. Maybe she was. It didn't matter after that moment. The whole room was blurry to her, and all she wanted to do was die.
All she wanted was for the guilt to be gone. Maybe it would end if she ended her life. She glanced up at Percy, tears finally coming. Hysterical ones. Insane ones.
She realized that her sanity was long gone. Just like his. Good, then maybe he would love her again.
His dark green eyes stared at her in confusion. As if he hadn't realized what he had just said.
"Annabeth?" He choked, as if coming out of fog. His voice sounded normal, not bitter. Just filled with concern. She didn't hear him. Her ears were pounding. The guilt...
ALL HER FAULT!
YOU DEZERVE TO DIE!
Kill. Yourself. Those were the two words that seemed to make sense in all of the other clusters of words. She climbed up and ran out of the room.
"'So if the gods fight,' I said, 'will things line up the way they did in the Trojan War? Will it be Athena versus Poseidon?'
She put her head against the backpack Ares had given us, and closed her eyes. 'I don't know what my mom will do. I just know I'll fight next to you.'
'Why?'
'Because you're my friend, Seaweed Brain. Any more stupid questions?'"
"I looked nervously at Annabeth, then at the groups of girls who were roaming the gym.
'Well?' Annabeth said.
'Um, who should I ask?'
She punched me in the gut. 'Me, Seaweed Brain.'
'Oh. Oh, right.'
"Quintus kept rattling off the names until he said, 'Percy Jackson with Annabeth Chase.'
'Nice.' I grinned at Annabeth.
'Your armor is crooked' was her only comment, and she redid my straps for me."
"'Put your cap back on,' I said. 'Get out!'
'What?' Annabeth shrieked. 'No! I'm not leaving you!'
'I've got a plan. I'll distract them. You can use the metal spider - maybe it'll lead you back to Hephestaus. You have to tell him what's going on.'
'But you'll be killed!'
'I'll be fine. Besides, we've got no choice.'
Annabeth glared at me like she was going to punch me. And then she did something that surprised me even more. She kissed me.
"But Annabeth just smiled and put us in jail. As she was heading back to the front line, she turned and winked. 'See you at the fireworks?'
She didn't even wait for my answer before darting off into the woods.
I looked at Beckendorf. 'Did she just . . . ask me out?'
He shrugged, completely disgusted. 'Who knows with girls? Give me a haywire dragon, any day.'"
'Hold on, Seaweed Brain.' It was Annabeth's voice, much clearer now. 'You're not getting away from me that easily.'
The cord strengthened.
I could see Annabeth now - standing barefoot above me on the canoe lake pier. I'd fallen out of my canoe. That was it. She was reaching out her hand to haul me up, and she was trying no to laugh. She wore her orange camp T-shirt and jeans. Her hair was tucked up in her Yankees cap, which was strange because that should have made her invisible.
'You are such an idiot sometimes." She smiled. 'Come on. Take my hand.'
Memories came flooding back to me - sharper and more colorful. I stopped dissolving. My name was Percy Jackson. I reached up and took Annabeth's hand."
"We'd almost made it to the middle of the bridge when something strange happened. I felt a chill down my spine - like that old saying about someone walking on your grave. Behind me, Annabeth cried out in pain.
'Annabeth!' I turned in time to see her fall, clutching her arm. A demigod with a bloody knife stood over her.
In a flash I understood what had happened. He'd been trying to stab me. Judging from the position of his blade, he would've taken me - maybe by sheer luck - in the small of my back, my only weak point.
Annabeth had intercepted the knife with her own body."
'You are so not making this easy.'
Then she laughed for real, and she put her hands around my neck. 'I am never, ever going to make
things easy for you, Seaweed Brain. Get used to it.'
When she kissed me, I had the feeling my brain was melting right through my body.
She blinked almost like she was overdosed with memories. Things were so much different now. More... complicated. That was the only word that seemed to fit to her.
She blinked again, as she stared at the lake in front of her. Campers mostly stayed away from them. Like they had a life threatening disease. They would think that she was going for a swim. Then when they finally realized... it would be too late. She gently smiled as the wind whipped her short, uneven curls. She wasn't sad that she was leaving Percy.
He probably wouldn't even notice her absence.
This was the cowards way out, Annabeth knew this for a fact. But right now she didn't care. She wanted to end it. The guilt.
She took off her shirt, but left her jean shorts on. She clutched onto her beaded necklace for dear life, took a deep breath, and walked straight into the water.
Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. Those were her only thoughts. She chanted it over and over mentally. Breath in the water, breath out the water, breath in the water, breath out the water...
Dizziness overwhelmed her. Suffocation grabbed her heart.
It wasn't fair. They had gone through five whole years of quests and torment. It was supposed to be over. She blinked underwater, panic engulfing her.
She changed her mind. She wanted to live.
Too late... another voice hissed in her mind. Annabeth knew that they were speaking the truth. She was so tired right now, she couldn't even move her arms.
It turns out she didn't need to.
Two strong arms wrapped around her waist and arched her upwards. Annabeth relaxed into them. She was hallucinating of Percy now. He was still sitting in the kitchen, staring off into space, depressed and angry, because of her.
An air bubble formed around them. She instantly began to cough and splutter, breathing in oxygen. Not water. That's when she knew that she wasn't hallucinating.
"So sorry," she heard him beginning to sob. She felt his hands run through her curls, stroking and kissing her hair and cheeks over and over again. Then she began to cry into his chest and he held her tightly, so they were both a crying, sobbing messes in a bubble.
"Sorry," he whispered. "Sorry, sorry, sorry , sorry, sorry."
"I forgive you." She choked, through tears. "I know it was my fault." He tightened his grip on her.
"No. It wasn't." That was the most amazing feeling in the world to her. The burden of guilt had been lifted. Then he kissed her.
Percy's kiss was urgent, rough, soft and sweet at the same time. She kissed him back with the same emotion, as their lips molded together, holding each other closely, never close enough. And for once, Annabeth felt utterly, unconditionally happy. She knew things would be different from now on.
But in the end, it was one of the best underwater kisses of all time.