Disclaimer:All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them stems from my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for).
AN: This story is not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretching that to the limit and suspending the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!!
(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…and have you ever wondered if counting the pieces of a jig-saw puzzle before you start it, might not be just a "little" strange…)
Fresh from the walls of 1PP…
SIE MIR WIE DU WIRKLICH SOLLST
When Bobby signed on in the Army
He wanted to know he could hack it,
Not go out of his mind, or be broken
Like the guy in "Full Metal Jacket".
They sent him over to Germany
To keep an eye on the Berlin Wall,
Just Bobby's rotten luck a week later
That was when it decided to fall.
With more time unexpected to spare
Bobby set about filling it well,
By learning German words and the grammar
Though some were a bugger to spell.
So able to order "seiben Bier"
And of course being Bobby said "bitte",
He was off into the town with the guys
Though one could not get a child sitter.
He had to stay at the base housing
Whilst Bobby and co found a cellar,
The sort that sells beer in the Fatherland
But in Deutsch it's always spelled "Keller"
It was there amid beer and bratwurst
Bobby met his Teutonic young maid,
Though Goren saw to that at around midnight
When she asked, "Was ist to get laid?"
Bobby was not just after the sex
We know he's not that kind of sinner,
He always arrived with two wieners, but
He'd get up and cook one for dinner.
Between his twice weekly adventures
His accent did rapidly improve,
Bobby could say "Ich bin ein Berliner"
Without locals deciding to move.
The problem was the girl's mother
About Bobby she always had doubt,
Never thought him good for her dear Inge
Gave new meaning to the term sour Kraut.
Whilst Bobby was gone on exercise
Where he learned a little Russian,
She sent Inge off to the countryside
To the region once known as Prussian.
When our hero returned to his love
She told him that his Inge had fled,
To the arms of a guy wore lederhosen
And was also much better in bed.
Bobby's heart it was really broken
Like Elvis it was not made of wood,
But before he could sing that corny song
He was transferred back home to Fort Hood.
The years have flown by for our Bobby
Young Inge he'd almost forgotten,
Until last week when he discovered
The daughter that they had begotten.
For on "Army Friends Re-united"
Bobby found the guy had to stay home,
It was Bill told our handsome detective
He had a child grown up near the Rhone.
In two weeks time she's twenty years old
And with Bobby she's coming to stay,
But when Eames finds out about Helga
For one Goren there'll be all hell to pay.
ANNeedless to say this was signed "ANON" and written in indelible purple marker pen of the sort I've never seen, never mind owned…