Love.
Something I will never experience. At least, not the way normal people do.
Normally I'm fine with that. But then *he* came along.
Why couldn't he just leave me alone? Then everything would have been fine, as normal as it ever is in my life.
But no. That would have been too easy.
Damn him. Damn his stupid red on black eyes, and his charming grin and great accent... wait a second! What the fuck am I saying!?! I cannot love him. I will never love. Whoever said "It is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all" was wrong. Really fucking wrong.
I have to stop swearing so much. But I can't help it.
I fell in love, the one thing I promised would never happen again. All love has ever done is screwed up my life. I don't love anyone, and they don't love me. It was my motto, my code. The one thing in my life that was always there. And now it's gone. And I don't know what to do. My entire life is slowing falling apart.
It started a while ago. As soon as I came to the Institute. I was different, even here. Even surrounded by other mutants, they were still afraid of me. The only one who isn't is... Remy. No! His name is Gambit! He is my *enemy*! God, how can I have feelings for someone like him? How can he have feelings for me?
Damn! Why can't anything be simple? Why does my whole life have to be fucked up? Every time something starts to go right, something bigger and uglier comes along, and I'm back where I started. Hmmm...
That's not a bad idea. Back where I started... maybe I... no. I can't do that. Even if they *are* afraid of me, they are still my family- or as close to one as I will ever have.
I can just imagine what the others would say if they could hear my rants, my inner thoughts. Scott, the leader, would tell me it's ok, it happens to everyone, and just to give it time. Yeah right, Scottie-boy, 'cause everything just turns out perfect in your world. Well good for you. I don't care. Jean. Little Miss Perfect. Rogue, just cause you've had a hard life, doesn't mean you have to take it out on others. We accept you. Sure you do. That's why you flinch every time it looks like I might touch you. Kitty. She'd say... actually, I don't know. Every time I think I've figured her out, she surprises me. She's a lot stronger than people think. They just don't know her like I do. Kurt. He'd laugh, and try to make a joke out of it, try to make me feel better. That I can appreciate. Evan. I think I'd put him in the same category as Kurt. Those two jokers- don't ever put them in the same room. Trust me.
I've tried to accept who I am.
But the more I think about it, the more confused I am. Why am I cursed with such a power? I wouldn't mind being a different colour, like Kurt, or not be able to see in colour, like Scott, as long as I could touch.
The professor has tried to help me, but I think this is something even he can't fix. Something I have to do myself. But I don't know how.
Oh God, I'm thinking of him again. Why me? Why him? Could it not be any other person in the world other than him?
That thing with Scott, it was always just an infatuation. I knew nothing would ever come of it, and I decided that was ok, because then the both of us were safe- him from me, and me from my guilt.
But with Remy- Gambit, damn it, his name is Gambit! He messes with my head. He changes everything I've ever known, everything I will know.
How can he love me? He knows I can't touch. He's messing with me, he has to be. No guy would ever REALLY fall in love with me. Me, the little angry Goth girl. Some days thought, I'm more lonely than sad, and I have a feeling Remy could fix that.
I don't know what to think anymore. My mind and heart are separated. They can't agree on anything. Maybe I just need to give it time.
Someday I'll know how I feel.
Someday I might even touch.
Someday.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Well, that was different from what I normally write. Hm, kinda angsty. Maybe I should be sick more often. nah. Staying at home is BORING! Nothing to do but watch soaps- or write ^_^ Anyways, sorry for the swearing, I don't know why I put that in, I just did. Hope you like it. Please check out a fic I co-authored with CasaKitten (It's in her account). I don't think it's posted yet, but it should be soon. It's a Kurtty- what else?
Thanks a ton!
KittKatt
Something I will never experience. At least, not the way normal people do.
Normally I'm fine with that. But then *he* came along.
Why couldn't he just leave me alone? Then everything would have been fine, as normal as it ever is in my life.
But no. That would have been too easy.
Damn him. Damn his stupid red on black eyes, and his charming grin and great accent... wait a second! What the fuck am I saying!?! I cannot love him. I will never love. Whoever said "It is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all" was wrong. Really fucking wrong.
I have to stop swearing so much. But I can't help it.
I fell in love, the one thing I promised would never happen again. All love has ever done is screwed up my life. I don't love anyone, and they don't love me. It was my motto, my code. The one thing in my life that was always there. And now it's gone. And I don't know what to do. My entire life is slowing falling apart.
It started a while ago. As soon as I came to the Institute. I was different, even here. Even surrounded by other mutants, they were still afraid of me. The only one who isn't is... Remy. No! His name is Gambit! He is my *enemy*! God, how can I have feelings for someone like him? How can he have feelings for me?
Damn! Why can't anything be simple? Why does my whole life have to be fucked up? Every time something starts to go right, something bigger and uglier comes along, and I'm back where I started. Hmmm...
That's not a bad idea. Back where I started... maybe I... no. I can't do that. Even if they *are* afraid of me, they are still my family- or as close to one as I will ever have.
I can just imagine what the others would say if they could hear my rants, my inner thoughts. Scott, the leader, would tell me it's ok, it happens to everyone, and just to give it time. Yeah right, Scottie-boy, 'cause everything just turns out perfect in your world. Well good for you. I don't care. Jean. Little Miss Perfect. Rogue, just cause you've had a hard life, doesn't mean you have to take it out on others. We accept you. Sure you do. That's why you flinch every time it looks like I might touch you. Kitty. She'd say... actually, I don't know. Every time I think I've figured her out, she surprises me. She's a lot stronger than people think. They just don't know her like I do. Kurt. He'd laugh, and try to make a joke out of it, try to make me feel better. That I can appreciate. Evan. I think I'd put him in the same category as Kurt. Those two jokers- don't ever put them in the same room. Trust me.
I've tried to accept who I am.
But the more I think about it, the more confused I am. Why am I cursed with such a power? I wouldn't mind being a different colour, like Kurt, or not be able to see in colour, like Scott, as long as I could touch.
The professor has tried to help me, but I think this is something even he can't fix. Something I have to do myself. But I don't know how.
Oh God, I'm thinking of him again. Why me? Why him? Could it not be any other person in the world other than him?
That thing with Scott, it was always just an infatuation. I knew nothing would ever come of it, and I decided that was ok, because then the both of us were safe- him from me, and me from my guilt.
But with Remy- Gambit, damn it, his name is Gambit! He messes with my head. He changes everything I've ever known, everything I will know.
How can he love me? He knows I can't touch. He's messing with me, he has to be. No guy would ever REALLY fall in love with me. Me, the little angry Goth girl. Some days thought, I'm more lonely than sad, and I have a feeling Remy could fix that.
I don't know what to think anymore. My mind and heart are separated. They can't agree on anything. Maybe I just need to give it time.
Someday I'll know how I feel.
Someday I might even touch.
Someday.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Well, that was different from what I normally write. Hm, kinda angsty. Maybe I should be sick more often. nah. Staying at home is BORING! Nothing to do but watch soaps- or write ^_^ Anyways, sorry for the swearing, I don't know why I put that in, I just did. Hope you like it. Please check out a fic I co-authored with CasaKitten (It's in her account). I don't think it's posted yet, but it should be soon. It's a Kurtty- what else?
Thanks a ton!
KittKatt