Warnings:
Threats are made towards kittens, real questions were stolen
from fashion magazines (Cosmo, to be exact. Yes, the curtain thing is in
there.), real results are read (yes, I took them for the sole reason of
writing this fic. I'm pathetic ;_;'), Carrot Juice is Murder is a real
song by Arrogant Worms, and there is ONE Nagi/Omi implication. .. But it's
a big one? >.> and.. yes. General stupidity. Everyone loves that. Unless
you know.. you don't.
Nagi frowned, tossing another book over his shoulder, which wound up hitting a lamp that shattered at the impact.
"Breaking Crawford's furniture hurts God...." Farf stated, licking a knife.
"You just have to rub that catch-phrase thing in my face, don't you Farfarello?!" Nagi glared.
"It hurts God." Farf nodded.
"... I hate you. Now help me think of something!! I'm sick of people ignoring me!!" Nagi exclaimed.
"Hmm... think of something God-hurting." Farf said.
".. You're not helping." Nagi sighed.
"Not helping hurts God." Farf replied.
"... STOP SAYING THAT!!!"
"Fine. When you get a catch-phrase, it has to be something that can either be used a lot and make sense, or something that never made sense to begin with so that it doesn't matter if you say it all the time." Farf stated.
".... That's actually semi-helpful." Nagi blinked, grabbing another book and flipping through it. "... 'Beware the floating garlic cheese.'" He quoted, staring in confusion at the book. Farf blinked.
"What the feck are you reading?" He asked.
"How to Confuse the Idiots in Your Life." Nagi answered(1).
"... It works." Farf blinked.
".. Apparently. ... What do I do once I've FOUND a catch-phrase, anyway?" Nagi sighed.
"Find Crawford and Schuldich. The plot of the story will automatically adjust itself to revolve around them. Then, say your catch phrase, and if the plot comes back to you, then you've found it." Farf stated.
"... How do you know all of this stuff...?" Nagi asked.
"... It hurts God."
"... I hate you." Nagi grumbled, walking off to find Crawford and Schuldich.
He finally found them in Crawford's office, Crawford looking incredibly annoyed, and Schuldich sitting on the couch with some kind of magazine.
"Brad, would you call our fights productive?"
"... Schuldich, for the last time; what the hell are you talking about?!" Brad exclaimed, turning away from his work to glare at Schuldich.
"I'll take that as a 'yes.'" Schuldich said, looking back down at the magazine. Brad twitched.
"What the hell is that?" He glared at the magazine.
"Congratulations, Brad. You're a keeper." Schuldich said, closing the magazine smirking.
"... BEWARE THE FLOATING GARLIC CHEESE." Nagi stated loudly.
Brad and Schuldich turned their attention to Nagi and blinked in confusion.
... Then promptly ignored him.
"Ok, so Braaad... when you need a vacation do you A)-"
"Schuldich. Put that magazine down before I kill you." Brad glared.
So Nagi cleared out of the room before the story could get too involved in Brad's dilemma and went back to where Farf was sitting, slashing up the couch.
"Didn' work?" He asked when Nagi entered.
"No. They just went back to fighting about some fashion magazine." Nagi sighed.
"Try yelling out the names of random eating utensils. That seems to work well in public." Farf nodded.
"... ... I worry about you sometimes, Farf." Nagi sighed, deciding to try it out anyway.
~~~~~~~~~
"Ok, Brad, pretend you're a set of curtains. Are you A)-"
"SCHULDICH."
"Are you trying to imply I'm a type of curtain, Braddie?" Schuldich snickered innocently, and was answered by yet another Crawford-death-glare.
Nagi mumbled something irritably before randomly shouting "FORK!"
This, of course, got Brad and Schu's attention.
"Are you feeling ok, Nagi?" Brad asked.
"The kid's gone insane, ignore 'im. Brad, according to this you need to open up more. People like to relate-"
"HOW MANY QUIZZES ARE IN THAT MAGAZINE?!!" Brad exclaimed.
"Only five more. Then I have to go get my others."
Brad twitched.
~~~~~~~
"Fork doesn't work." Nagi sighed.
"Forks never work. People don't find forks interesting." Farfarello stated.
".... The hell? Are you some kind of expert on getting attention or something?" Nagi stared at Farfarello quizzically.
"Second only to Schuldich." Farf stated happily.
"... ... You're disturbing. So, what's a more interesting utensil, then?" Nagi asked.
Farf looked him up and down; "For you.. I'd go with a spoon."
".. A spoon."
"A spoon."
"... Ok... I'll try it..." Nagi sighed, walking out of the room.
~~~~~~~~
"Brad, would you date a guy your friends didn't like?" Schuldich asked.
"... Schuldich, did I ever tell you I'm straight?! Because I think I have." Brad glared.
"And I keep telling you, there's no way in hell you're straight. Now answer the damned question, I'm trying to figure out whether or not you crave approval." Schuldich said, moving his head to avoid a sharpened-pencil-turned-projectile.
"SPOON!!!" Nagi exclaimed, walking into the room and once again getting Brad and Schuldich's attention.
"Cut it out, Chibi. I'm bugging Crawfish." Schuldich said, just as an eraser hit him in the head.
"... That was a cheap shot." Schuldich glared at Brad.
"Hn." Brad said, going back to his work, as Nagi scurried out of the room cursing the author.
~~~~~~~~~~
"Again?" Farfarello asked.
"Yes." Nagi mumbled irritably.
"Hmm... this is difficult.. God laughs." Farfarello frowned.
"... Shut up." Nagi glared.
"But I have an idea! Take the word spork." Farfarello said.
".. Spork." Nagi repeated.
"Yes, spork. Sporks hurt God. And then make a random semi-threatening phrase out of it." Farfarello directed.
"... Is it supposed to make sense?" Nagi asked.
"Of course not." Farfarello stated.
".... I can't think of anything." Nagi sighed.
"... 'Shut up or I'll dismember this kitten with a spork.'" Farfarello suggested.
".. That's just sick." Nagi twitched.
"That means it just might work." Farf grinned.
"... You're SICK. And TWISTED." Nagi said.
".. But I'll try it." He sighed, leaving the room.
"They always do." Farf smirked, licking a knife.
~~~~~~~~
"Congratulations, Brad, if you were a type of cat you'd be-"
"Schuldich?"
"Yessum?"
".. If you don't shut up, I'm going to shoot you." Brad glowered.
"Which is entirely befitting someone who'd be a German shepherd if they were a breed of dog."
"Shut up or I'll dismember this kitten with a spork!!!" Nagi exclaimed, walking into the room yet AGAIN.
"Damnit, Chibi! I'M BUSY!" Schuldich exclaimed, attempting to throw something at Nagi, but only managing to grab the mouse to Brad's computer, which, being still plugged in, did not fly very far due to constraints caused by the cord.
And Brad's glare became even MORE icy (if possible).
".. Schuldich..."
"Yeees?" Schuldich replied sweetly.
".. Touch my computer ONE MORE TIME..."
Nagi ran from the room.
~~~~~~
"This isn't working!!" Nagi exclaimed.
"Eh?" Farfarello asked.
"Crawford didn't even GLANCE at me. The story will revolve around him ANY SECOND NOW." Nagi exclaimed.
~~~~~~~~~~~
*Meanwhile with Brad and Schu...*
A/N: This scene has been erased due to telekinetic difficulties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"See what I mean?" Nagi said.
"Yes, yes indeed... I know! Steal some random song lyrics! If you go around saying random song lyrics, they're bound to get traumatized enough to shut up and let you take over the fic!" Farfarello exclaimed.
"... ... I don't listen to the kind of music that you're probably talking about." Nagi blinked.
"We live with Schuldich. Think about it. There's bound to be something in there." Farfarello stated.
"... I'm scared." Nagi sighed, wandering off to go through Schuldich's CDs...
~~~~~~~~
"... They're singing about.. vegetables..." Nagi blinked.
"It hurts God." Farf stated.
"... VEGETABLES." Nagi repeated.
"... Once again..."
"Ok, I get it. So if I walk in and say 'CARROT JUICE IS MURDER!' or 'I hear the cries of the vegetables.' Maybe they'll pay attention?" Nagi asked.
"Maybe." Farf nodded.
Nagi sighed. "This is ridiculous..."
~~~~~
"Face it, Braddish, you're gay."
".. Didn't I tell you to get out?"
"Maybe."
"I think I did."
"You're probably mistaken."
". . . Get out." Brad glared some more.
"CARROT JUICE IS MURDER." Nagi exclaimed.
"... But Braaaaad. I'm only trying to *HELP*. It can't be fun living in denial of a balatant fact-"
"GET OUT."
"-That everyone else can see is true except for you. Infact, it must be HORRIBLE for you, Braddie. Which is why I'm here, after all-"
"Get out. Now. Before I kill you."
"I hear the cries of the vegetables!" Nagi exclaimed.
"Don't worry, Braddie, denial is the first step-"
"The first step to WHAT?! I'm NOT gay!!"
Nagi twitched and glared at Crawford and Schuldich, who were obviously ignoring him and attempting to make the plot revolve around them. Again.
"DAMNIT! Crawford, you ARE gay, and everybody knows it! AND I'VE BEEN SCREWING OMI!"
".. NANI?!" Crawford sputtered, staring at Nagi in shock.
".. You mean that's all I had to say?" Nagi blinked.
"... Wait.. you've been screwing Weiss? ... I never knew you had it in you. Congrats, Chibi!" Schuldich exclaimed.
"NAOE!" Brad yelled, managing to recover from his shock.
". . . Eep." Nagi twitched.
~~~~~~~~~~
"Was it worth it?" Farfarello asked, sitting at the kitchen table and licking the butter knife.
"... Shut up." Nagi grumbled, scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush.
"Hehe.. calling Crawford gay AND sleeping with the enemy.. God is CRYING." Farfarello snickered.
"Yeah, you're not the one who has to clean the entire house with a toothbrush! Schuldich is the one who started the whole gay thing! He's not in trouble!" Nagi whined.
"And why do you think the reason for that is?" Farfarello asked.
"Because Crawford's gay." Nagi grumbled.
"You catch on quickly." Farfarello smirked.
".. Shut up."
"You missed a spot."
"Go to hell."
"Hehe... God weeps."
"SHUT UP!"
~*owari*~
****************
A/N: I fail at writing a Nagi-centric story once again! >.; and it was horribly pointless, but oh well.
And yeah, I was running out of ideas for catch phrases. ~sigh~ But hey, he got their attention in the end...?
... poor Nagi. ^_^;;
(1): It's a real book. I bought it on vacation last year. And the garlic thing is an actual quote.