Sung to the tune of 'Gaston' from the Disney movie/musical Beauty and the Beast. For some reason both of my songfics/lyric rewrites for Strange Magic so far have been Roland-based.
Snippets of this song appear in my story Taking the Feisty One, during Chapter 24. I decided that to properly pace the excerpts, I had to write the whole song. It also works as Roland's introductory song to the audience, if Strange Magic is ever adapted into a stage production. Disney owns Lucasfilm which owns Strange Magic, so getting rights to use the tune of Gaston's song shouldn't be prohibitively expensive. (Actually, since Disney owns both, I think it's free - like how in their series Gargoyles, Elisa was able to dress up as Belle in the Halloween episode without creating a legal issue for the animators or production team.)
This was also inspired by Humanityinahandbag (known as Galimatius on this site), who posted on tumblr about wanting a Strange Magic/Beauty and the Beast crossover so Roland would sing an adaptation of Gaston's song. Three lines were offered as a sample of how funny it would be, of which I took and adapted two for my own purposes in writing this version.
This song was rewritten without awareness or permission from Alan Menkin (composer), Howard Ashman (lyricist), Jesse Corti (voice of Lefou), Richard White (voice of Gaston), or anyone else affiliated with Disney.
Let me introduce myself; I am Roland.
The pleasure and honour is yours.
Of course you've heard of me; I am Roland.
I don't need to, but I'll say more.
No one else could be as admired as me.
I'm everyone's favorite guy.
The whole Kingdom's awed and inspired by me,
And it's not very hard to see why!
No one's brave as Roland;
Saves the day like Roland;
No one's glory scares monsters away like Roland!
There's no knight in the kingdom as valiant;
Perfect, a pure paragon!
I'm so charming and handsome and gallant,
And it's over me all of the ladies fawn.
No one charms like Roland;
Can disarm like Roland;
No one's never seen out of armor like Roland –
Can I help it if it flatters me perfectly?
It matches my hair and eyes!
My shiny gold hair,
My bright green eyes;
I know I'm gorgeous –
No one can get enough!
Who's got abs like Roland's?
Your gaze grabs like Roland?
Handsomeness could almost drive you mad like Roland's?
My features have no unseemly angles;
As you see, I've got good looks to spare.
My face looks like it was carved by angels,
But even that's nothing compared to my hair!
No one has curls like Roland's –
Woos the girls like Roland –
When out riding, no one rides a squirrel like Roland!
It's not necessary to wear a helmet –
Covering these looks is a crime!
When I was a boy I brushed one hundred strokes
Through my hair to keep it looking fine.
Now that I'm a man, I brush one thousand strokes
And I must say that I look divine!
No one's proud as Roland;
So bow down to Roland!
No one could look as good in a crown as Roland!
Just a matter of time till the coronation …
Long live the King –
Roland!