Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto!
A/N: If this ends up being continued I think it's going to be an anthology, and it's just my own personal take on how Sasuke and Sakura's relationship developed after the 4SWW. I read somewhere that the only true version of Sasuke we ever got to see was before the massacre and after Shippuden (because of the Uchiha curse), so I want to explore some different parts of him. Maybe see what kind of person he is when his mind isn't completely clouded by revenge.
The setting picks up right after the final fight. Everything is the same except that Naruto and Sasuke are both unconscious when Kakashi and Sakura find them instead of awake. Sakura doesn't get her apology until later (:evilgrin:)
(unnecessary rambling, feel free to skip) I hope my characterization of them does them justice. Imo, Sasuke and Sakura have always done the bulk of their communicating (on sensitive topics, at least) non-verbally, which is probably why we don't get to see much of their deep conversations. They have a unique bond, and I believe they love each other deeply, but they're so in sync mentally that they don't feel the need to prove it to each other as much outwardly. This is probably Sasuke's doing since he's such a private person when it comes to that - Sakura more than likely has just learned to adjust to his mannerisms and accepts him for who he is, which is beautiful :) If you don't mind taking the time, let me know what you think about it.
- Chapter titles are taken from Shippuden OSTs, which have been on repeat through the entire process of rewriting this (over three times, fml).
白詰草
White Clover
.
"We have walked through the darkness of this world,
that's why we are able to see even a sliver of light." -Gaara
.
She looks happier; peaceful, even.
It's the first thing he notices as he watches her emerge from the shadows outside his holding cell, wordlessly following the brush of her pink hair against the curve of her neck with his mismatched eyes as she steps down the stairs into the light.
He can already tell she's calmed down a lot. There's a softness to her features that he hasn't seen on her before, but he thinks he likes it. He likes the grace in which she walks in her heeled sandals, diligently focused on the metal tray full of first-aid supplies nestled in her arms (as if somehow the pair of quivering glass bottles are what she's been chasing after for so many years and not him). His gaze lingers, calm and curious on the angle of her jaw as she bends to place the tray on one of the visitors stools. It must be the serene expression on her face that's making his chest tighten. The natural arch of her brow leading down to the curve of her lashes, blinking softly. Or the warm half-smile at her lips that could just as easily be a smirk if only he were able to reach into her mind and access her thoughts.
"Sasuke-kun," she says lightly. The shy smile at her lips is soothingly familiar, but it's contradicted by the concerned pinch of her brows as she lifts her head to meet his gaze.
The smile is fake. She's upset.
For the moment, all is still and silent in the hollow, underground caves that have contained him over the past day and a half as they stare at each other in silence. Foreign chakra flickers like static around the otherwise ordinary steel bars, likely sealed three or more times to keep him from escaping. It would take a lot more than that to lock him up for more than five minutes, but he hasn't said anything about it. The drive to fight is lost on him now, discarded right along with his left arm and whatever else remained of his inner demons back at the valley of the end. If he still has any negative feelings buried underneath the numbness in his heart, he hasn't noticed. All that's left of his former self now is an empty shell, a broken bird with the world at its throat.
He looks away discretely, jaw tightening in frustration and shame, absorbing all the unspoken feelings smoldering in her gaze from the other side of the bars. She doesn't have to say anything for him to see what's inside her heart. There's so many conflicting emotions there: disappointment, confusion, anger, hurt, fear, but most of all concern. Concern, not for herself but for him. He's seen the same gut-wrenching pain reflected in her jade eyes over the course of several years, always born from the consequences of his selfish actions, always so selflessly forgiving... It's hard not to recognize it on a surface level - it's Sakura, after all - but without the blind rage and adrenaline-fueled hatred there to cloud his perceptions, he feels it start to gently penetrate the walls of his heart in a way that he can only describe as uncomfortable. For the first time, he can't bring himself to look at her.
She looks off nervously as well, following suit, the smile on her lips settling into an even line. What he may not realize is that over the years, she's become an expert at interpreting all of his non-verbal gestures. If he knows what's in her heart, she knows what's festering in his equally as well (to some extent), but she knows him well enough not to bring it up. For him to simply acknowledge her feelings like this is enough of an apology for right now, so she doesn't mind returning the favor by not pressuring him for more. Maybe someday they'll both be comfortable with expressing themselves out loud, but that day isn't today.
"How's your arm?" she asks, attempting to steer the conversation along. The bandages around his stump are still fresh from when she first put them on a day or so ago while he and Naruto were still unconscious. She did her best to close the opening, cauterizing it with chakra before covering it in healing ointment and wrapping it in several layers of thin gauze, but she knew that the blood would begin to build up again at some point and she would need to come back and change it.
That's what the first-aid supplies are for.
"It stings," he mumbles, glancing at it as if it belonged to someone else.
"Ahh," A genuine smile curls at her lips that he doesn't see. "It'll do that."
Behind him she's already started shuffling the items around in the tray, ripping the gauze into sheets and wetting them with saline. At first it's little more than background noise but curiosity gets the better of him eventually, and he finds himself once again quietly following her movements as if he were a child drinking in new information.
At one time, it must have been around age thirteen, he remembered his distaste for the pinkette had been so strong that he swore he wouldn't touch her if she were the last woman on the planet. He used to find creative places to eat lunch and take shortcuts through the forest just to avoid talking to her, but that had been a different Sakura the whole time. This Sakura; the one with sparkling green studs in her ears who's taller and blinks slower when having a conversation. This Sakura who is not so helplessly clumsy, who measures liquids with her lips slightly parted and barely looks at him anymore, even if it's just long enough to see all the minor ways in which he's changed in such a short amount of time. What would his younger self say if he saw the woman she is now?
They make eye contact as she carefully gathers the tray back into her arms. It feels electric - almost as if nothing ever happened between them in the first place - and she finds herself melting under the smoldering intensity of his gaze. Part of her yearns to know what he's hiding from her; the interest is there, taunting her from the depths of his natural eye. Burning, unyielding. It's the same look she recognizes from the battlefield when he'd caught her delicately under his arm, drinking her in as she drifted in and out of consciousness. At the time she assumed it was love, or at least something like it, but she was wrong.
She looks away for the second time, severing the connection faster than the heat can finish rushing into her face.
"Your bandages need to be changed every two days to prevent infection," she says evenly. The door to his cell would be hell to open for him, but it opens easily enough for her, allowing her to slip through and close it back behind her without ever coming close to dropping the tray. "Right now I'm doing it, but you should be able to yourself after a few sessions - oh, you don't have to stand, Sasuke-kun!"
It's as if she'd anticipated the pain, because by the time the stabbing sensation reaches his chest through his back, she's already lightly dropped the items and rushed to his side to hold him up.
"Here," she says, guiding him back to the wooden bench he was sitting on before. "Sit."
He's sure he must look like an old man, but that's really the least of his worries as he clutches his shirt tightly with the only hand he has left. The pain is similar to what he imagines it feels like to be stabbed by a fistful of chidori; duller and more achey but similar. Is it even possible to feel internal bleeding? Sakura answers his questions with her eyes faster than he can ask them.
"Lean back and relax," she says - it's really more of an instruction - as the pain slowly starts to recede, decaying gradually under the green hue of her chakra pressed to his chest. "I knew there was going to be a little bit of pain from muscle exhaustion, but I healed every major issue I saw when we found you."
Her hands are soft in contrast to the hardened look on her face, slim pink brows drawn together in concentration. The chakra pouring into him is light like a caress, and as more of the pain starts to disappear, he even catches the sweet scent of flowers that's probably her shampoo.
"Sakura-" he grinds out.
"Hush."
He gives her hand a squeeze. At first she thinks it's for comfort, instantly taking her back to their struggles in the chunin exams, but she realizes too late that he's actually pulling it away.
"Just leave it," he says.
Her frown deepens as she slips her hand from his grip. On her face are the words I don't understand.
"Sasuke-" she responds, omitting the honorific. "You're in pain."
When he doesn't look at her she knows there's something else there, but it's not the normal, everyday 'tsk', or 'you're annoying'. It's something deeper; something he probably doesn't even fully comprehend himself. He has a terrible track record of suffering in silence, which is something that has always annoyed her about him, but she continues to try and help him regardless. Even when he doesn't want it.
Her jade eyes blink at him for a few seconds, grasping for the tools to understand but receiving nothing. He's panting lightly now, and there's even a faint tic forming at his brow indicative of frustration.
"At least let me-"
"Sakura."
Naturally, she doesn't make it any easier for him to forget she's there.
The next few seconds pass by wordlessly. He wishes he knew what to say to make her stop worrying, but worrying for Sakura is like breathing and there's probably nothing he can do that will make the medic in her disappear. It's annoying, genuinely, but in a way that's justified by the part of him that isn't quite so wrapped up in his own stubbornness. In other words, his inner self; the part of him that's sealed under strict lock and key and that's often overpowered by his outward persona. The real Sasuke is a lot more docile and caves easily whenever she appears upset or needy. He's calm and curious at the same time but still excitable, much like his older brother, with a rather long-standing, subconscious need to love and be loved by someone that won't eventually disappear. Sakura has the ability to give him that, but that's perhaps what scares him the most about her.
He feels her shoulder shuffle against him and hazards a glance, only to find her pouting like a schoolgirl, lips slightly pursed, eyes downcast and focused on something in the distance. He can't help but look at her skeptically, a small smirk forming on his lips; the last time he saw that face, it was on a much younger version of herself. A much more energetic and aggressive version that once loved him with the strength of her entire being. Always chasing after him, dying for reciprocation. It's funny how simply seeing him in pain is enough to make her forget about all of those conflicting emotions he saw in her earlier. Now she's back to being Sakura again; the same girl that held him in her arms through all of his recklessness, shedding countless tears over his well-being and selflessly shouldering his pain whenever he lacked the ability to express it. She was there even when it put herself in danger. Even when he was the one doing it to her...
He leans his head back and sighs, resting his neck on the padding. The pain in his chest has dulled; he's starting to acclimate to it.
"I deserve it, Sakura," he says finally. "For what I've done."
Her eyes are on him again as he studies the intricate patterns decorating the cave ceiling. Before she speaks, she takes a second to think.
A statement like that is hard to deny when she considers how much trouble he's caused; how many people have lost their lives, directly and indirectly, as a result of his actions. It wasn't even that long ago that he'd betrayed them all completely, punching her through the gut and into a genjutsu. And if that isn't enough of a reason, he then threatened to take control of all the shinobi villages at all of their expense.
As if they meant nothing to him... As if she meant nothing.
The question of whether to forgive him or not weighed heavily on her at some point several months ago - she grieved for a full year when he left the village - but she's past the point of hating him now she thinks. Hatred is like a very strong poison, silent and contagious; it's what drove him to do most of what he did in the first place, but like all poisons, there's an antidote by the name of love. She decided a long time ago not to follow in that cycle, if she were even able to at all. If Naruto doesn't hate him, then neither does she.
He flinches at the sudden warmth of her fingers sliding over his knuckles to grasp his hand. It's such a foreign feeling that he figures it has to be an accident and attempts to tug it back, but (surprise) she doesn't let him go.
"What about if I have mercy on you then?" she replies to his earlier comment, neither agreeing nor disagreeing. He doesn't realize how deadly he looks right now as he flicks his gaze on her, pinning her there with the weapons that are his eyes as if to say what are you doing? Sakura thinks that in his confusion he looks somewhat like a caged animal preparing to pounce at the slightest wrong touch, but it's strikes her more as cute than frightening. Sasuke's panic response has always been defensive rage, but the circumstances are in her favor this time since he's stuck here with her for the immediate time-being. Unbeknownst to her though, he's long forgotten the question.
Before he realizes it he's tracing her movements again, watching her like a hawk as she grasps his hand in both of her palms, slowly bringing it up to rest on her cheek. To his surprise, she closes her eyes, nuzzling it gently as if it's something precious to her.
...
His eyes widen. He tries to swallow, but his mouth is too dry.
"We missed you Sasuke-kun," she says as her eyelids carefully lift to reveal a pair of somber green eyes, glistening now from welled up tears, still clutching his hand to her cheek. It's not that he's afraid to move it - maybe he would if he could - but his body has locked up entirely against his will. He can't move it.
"We all missed you, and-" There's that same bashful look again. How is it possible that he's the only one making eye contact? "W-We forgive you...ya know..?"
Her hands form nervous fists at her sides, but he doesn't seem to notice. She takes a quick glance at his face; it looks like he's been punched in the gut.
"That message is from all of us," she mumbles, fully aware of the heat spreading over her cheeks. She wishes he would say something; she can't stand the silence as it compels her to keep talking. "Even though you're locked up right now, it's only because Tsunade-sama is still out of the village You're fully pardoned, it's just that the council—ha?"
She jumps slightly, green eyes widening at the feel of his hand sliding slowly down her jaw, taking its time over her neck, before coming to rest on her shoulder.
His grip tightens, clutching her as his head gently lowers, shading his face with his bangs. The urge to pull her into him is so strong he can hardly stand it, but there's still a barrier there that pushes her away with equal force. The walls around his heart are still so impenetrable that sometimes, not even he can override them. No matter how much he wants to feel her head on his shoulder, tears of joy staining his shirt as she clutches him with the intensity he knows she's been repressing under fake smiles and gestures of strength for at least the past few years, he can't seem to make himself move.
"Sasuke-kun?" Her brows furrow gently but part of her is still able to understand. She feels the invisible pull of his heart as if it were made of gravity.
She moves before he has the chance to, gently wrapping her arms around him as if she were a blanket, gathering him into a warm hug that gradually tightens as she tries to hold back the tears that have already started to leak out of the corners of her eyes.
We forgive you.
Somehow he thinks it will take him longer than a few minutes, or even a few days, to soak in those words, but in this moment he's thankful (almost as much as he is overwhelmed) for her presence; her touch, her scent, her voice...
He blinks into her shoulder, arm hovering over her lower back as he moves his head to look at her face. Physically, it feels the same as when she hugged him back at the hospital when they were genin. She's still just as soft and warm and feminine as she was back then, eyes squeezed shut in happiness, latched to him with every ounce of love left in her being. It's always been a lot for him to process - it still is - but he feels more now that he's ever felt in the past. Even as his arm squeezes her closer, softly succumbing to her efforts as he buries his face in her neck, he still feels paralyzed by insecurity and the weight of exactly how much he doesn't know. It's always just been easier to sever the bonds, but he's past that now.
"Sakura," he mumbles into the fabric of her collar, eyes softened and glazed over in concentration.
The past several hours left alone with nothing but his thoughts have had a substantial effect on him, giving him the opportunity to ponder over a litany of things; things that bother him, things that he thinks should bother him, things that don't even concern him... Now that the war is over, his goals achieved, he can't help but wonder what to do next. Did he even have a choice in the matter? Sure he's been pardoned, but was he really that innocent in the eyes of the village?
Her cheek brushes the side of his head as she turns to look at him. "Mm?"
He hesitates, closing his eyes against the comfort of her shoulder. "What do you think I should do?" he says. "About the village?"
.
.
.
She tries hard to swallow the sting of uneasiness lingering in her gut as she packs the extra gauze back in its wrapper, tossing his old, bloody ones on the right side of the tray where she'll be able to throw them away later. If only she'd been more prepared for that question, maybe she could have given him a better response than what she did...
Don't worry about the village. Worry about being a better you.
Back over on the bench he looks over his new bandages, gripping his fingers as she'd told him to do to better adjust to the stiff material. Whatever he's thinking in that head of his, somehow, she feels like she only made things worse.
"Thank you, Sakura," he says as she lifts the tray back into her hands, ready to leave. At first she thinks it's just for the bandage change, but it's overreaching and actually applies to multiple things. He has the world to thank her for, but all she can seem to picture right now is the night he left, his words to her, and how she'd woken up to a cold bench at her back and a huge hole in her heart.
"Sasuke-kun," she bites her lip, brows drawing together in concern as she looks at him, at the sudden distance between them.
Please be here when I get back.
"I'll be back in two days," she says, and he watches quietly as she disappears into the shadows, the sweet scent of cherry blossoms lingering in the air.
A/N: Apologies if the second part is underwhelming. I spent a lot of time on this - too much time, really - and felt like I was getting stuck in several places. I want to continue it like I said, but I'm not sure if it's just better suited to be a one-shot? If you have an opinion, you're more than welcome to let me know. Thanks so much for reading :)