Title: The Way I'm Supposed To Be
Author: Kayarra
Summary: Alex POV
Category: Alex, slight slash undertones.
Disclaimer: I own nothing of Roswell. If I did Max/Liz, Maria/Alex, and whomever you want to put Michael and Isabel with, would be all dandy
Authors note: Okay, I've gone and ventured into the world of slash fan fics. I myself am not homosexual, but I had this plot idea in my head for a while after reading an article in Seventeen and I'm finally putting it down on paper. Please don't be too harsh. Also, assume that after the whole Destiny fiasco, Tess, realizing that this wasn't her home ran off to wherever the hell she wanted to go.
* * * * *
Into the brave new world,
I hope I see you on the other side,
In this changing world.
Brave New World, Richard Ashcroft.
* * * *
If someone told me I would of ended up like this…feeling these things, I would have hit them in the jaw--hard.
Roswell is known for aliens, mythology, but no, not homosexuality.
I remember when I figured out that I was gay. I was sitting in a booth of the Crashdown, and Michael and Maria were standing close next to each other, Michael holding Maria in his arms, across from me. Michael whispered in her ear. I had imaged my self in Michael's arms…with his breath in my ear, whispering his love to me.
I shook my head, trying to rid myself of those feelings, but then I stopped…I wanted to feel his arms around me…I wanted what Maria had.
I wanted Michael. Maybe not Michael, but I wanted a guy…a man.
But then Isabel, who happened to be sitting next to me, reached over and held my hand and pulled me into an embrace…I looked at her and smiled. It didn't feel right, but I did anyway. I let her touch me and hug me, because I am a guy and she's a girl
Because that's the way I'm supposed to be.
Right?
That night, I went home, after dropping Isabel off. She loved me, I knew, but maybe I didn't love her. Maybe I couldn't…I could, but my heart wasn't telling me that, but I ignored my heart.
I sat with my dad after dinner that night, and watched football with him. Because that's what real men do after eating dinner.
Anyways, my dad and I hooted and yelled at the T.V. Something we had never done before, being the computer geek I am.
My dad reached over and stared at me and said something that he rarely ever says…that he says once in a blue moon.
"I'm proud of you son."
Out of nowhere, he just said that he was proud of me.
I often where that came from and why he said it. Maybe he could tell that I was changing?
I guess those five little words are what put me in denial.
I spent the rest of high school, ignoring…pretending I wasn't feeling the things I was feeling. It was hard, because they made me feel that I was a terrible person.
Society, churches…I remember, this one time, a Roswell church had a walk through hell, sponsored by the city and it showed a gay teenager being tortured in hell.
I suppose that should have made me stand up, take pride into who I was.
But I didn't.
I crawled deeper into the hole of my own pity and self hate.
No one noticed though.
Did I ever mention I'm a great actor? It's easy, you know…pretending to be feeling something else when inside, you're dying.
After high school I kept up a façade for everyone. I stayed with Isabel and let her think I loved her, it was wrong…I know, but I wanted to be normal, or at least, pretend I was.
By the time my senior year in California University (which we all went to) came, Michael and Maria had been married for some months, Max and Liz had eloped and Kyle and his girlfriend Leslie were taking it slow.
Isabel and I…we were engaged.
Why?
Because I was scared that if I didn't marry her, I would be alone for the rest of my life.
But that's what I thought before I met Mark, a tall blond guy, with piercing blue eyes that seemed to stare into your soul. He was a senior at California University too. We met at a bar and got drunk and…well, you can probably guess what happened next.
I've had sex with Isabel before, but with Mark…I felt happy, I felt complete. It wasn't sex it was love.
I didn't regret it, but I pushed myself to forget…that was until I saw him again. After that, we made love regularly. Isabel would be in her physiology class and I spent that time making love to the man of my dreams.
I don't understand how she didn't figure it out though; aliens can look in your mind. Maybe she just never wanted to believe what she might have been seeing in my head.
The thing with Mark went on for months. Nearing the end of the second, and last semester of college everyone found out.
Isabel was supposed to be in class, but she didn't go…having felt an "alien" feeling.
So, I guess it only made sense for her to call the whole gang and come meet at our apartment. But she picked the wrong time, because at the moment the door opened, revealing all of the gang, I had my lips planted on Mark's lips, and my hands preparing to remove his shirt while he fumbled with my jeans.
*
I guess if I could take it all back and if I had a choice, I wouldn't be gay.
I hurt Isabel…I hurt my dad, and I created a bridge between my friends.
Max, Michael, and Kyle acted differently towards me, they claimed to still be friends, but there was always a difference in our friendship.
Maria and Liz still hung around me, as if nothing had changed. They were my best friends, and they never let my homosexuality change our friendship.
Isabel…she ran and only once we heard from her, detailing her wedding to Sean Taylor. I'm glad she found someone who loved her like I couldn't.
My dad…well, lets just say he never uttered the words "I'm proud of you son," again. From then on, Thanksgivings were weird and Christmases were dreaded.
But it's okay…don't worry about me.
As I lay here with Mark, in my arms, him breathing deeply I notice everything about him that I forgot to notice before.
How he holds me when I'm upset about my family, how he cooks the best dinners for our home we just bought in San Francisco, and how he whispers that everything is going to be okay whenever I'm down.
Mark once told me, "we loose ourselves trying to be accepted in the eyes of others." I guess you could say that spoke to me and it gave me the confidence I've always needed.
Maybe this wasn't my original plan, but now I know, I'm just being the way I'm supposed to be.
--End