Titano Man: Hello my friends! Tis I Titano Man XIII, here to bring to you a new story! This is experimental so please cut it some slack while giving your opinions. I've had this story in my head for a good while and decided to write this chapter just to see where I'll be able to take this story. And as you can tell by the summary, this story is an AU (duh). That means that it won't strictly follow the established canon all too much. I've written plenty of stories with comedic moments already, so I want to see how well I do with writing a full on comedy story. So please let me know what you think. Now with that said, roll the disclaimer!
Disclaimer: Titano Man XIII does not own Kingdom Hearts (Square Enix) and anything else he decides to include into this story. But he does hold ownership over all of the OCs that are in this story.
Titano Man: Please enjoy. Now on with the show!
Summary: It was a normal day in the Castle that Never Was, as normal as it always is with a group of Nobodies. Anyways, all was well until a sudden explosion leveled the entire fortress. Now without a home Xemnas calls in a favor from a rival organization known as the Order. Watch as both groups try to not only complete their respective goals, but also deal with other groups of villains seeking to take them out and become the most famous group of villains there is, their enemies annoying them at every turn, evil lawyers and businessmen, random cameos, idiots from other worlds, and having to live everyday life with each other. Expect a lot of hilarity and chaos.
We're All Out of Nothing!
Chapter 1: A series of unfortunate events.
Play Kingdom Hearts II OST- Mystic Moon
We open the scene to show The Castle That Never Was, home and base of operations for Organization XIII, one of the best and most well known group of villains in all of fiction. (In this author's humble opinion.)
It was just a regular, normal day for the group as they went about their business, at least as normal as it got for a group of Nobodies.
Each member were in different parts of the castle, doing whatever that was of interest to them.
Most of the members were in the Grey Area, simply sitting or standing around idly.
Axel, Larxene, Zexion, Lexaeus, Xigbar, Luxord, and Xaldin were all sitting on the sofas, either lounging with a book in their hands, such as with Zexion and Larxene, meditating, like with Lexaeus, playing a round of poker, like with Luxord, Xigbar, and Xaldin, or just simply taking a nap like Axel.
The other members were in other parts of the castle.
Saïx was in his study room, looking over possible missions he could assign.
Vexen was in his lab, working on some sort of project.
Marluxia was tending to his personal garden that was filled with mostly roses and cherry blossom trees.
Xemnas was up on the Altar of Naught, practicing his monologues for any would-be heroes that planned on showing up.
Roxas and Xion were in the former's room playing Mario Kart 8 on the boy's recently purchased Wii U system.
And Demyx...
End Theme
Suddenly loud rock music began to blare loudly throughout the halls of the castle, jarring many out of what they were doing.
So I took a big chance at the high school dance with a missy who was ready to play!
Wasn't me she was foolin', 'cause she knew what she was doin', and I knew that love was here to stay,
When she told me to...
WALK THIS WAY!
TALK THIS WAY!
WALK THIS WAY!
TALK THIS WAY!
WALK THIS WAY!
TALK THIS WAY!
WALK THIS WAY!
TALK THIS WAY!
JUST GIVE ME A KISS!
Demyx was being Demyx...
Because of the loud music, Roxas momentarily lost focus on the game, giving Xion enough time to hit the blond's racer with a red shell and pass him, crossing the finish line before her friend.
Saïx looked up from his paperwork and growled in annoyance before looking back down and getting back to work.
Vexen was carefully trying to pour a drop of strange purple liquid into a beaker that was filled with a slimy, green substance when the song suddenly blared through the PA speaker in his lab, causing him to fumble a little and accidentally add too much of the purple liquid.
The beaker glowed brightly before it violently exploded, destroying the Chilly Academic's lab and sending several beakers and jars flying out of the window, several of which landing in the water tank that distributed water to the entire castle.
Marluxia looked up from the rose bush he was tending to and looked towards the hall that connected his garden with the rest of the castle.
Xemnas turned his head towards the source of the disturbance. He contemplated going down to investigate, but decided to simply ignore it and return to practicing his monologuing.
Axel was jarred from his sleep and grumbled sleepily. "Can't a guy get any sleep around here?" he asked as he rubbed his eyes.
Larxene looked up from her book and growled in irritation. "Can that idiot not disturb the peace for five minutes?!" she growled out as she snapped her book shut.
Zexion sighed and simply kept reading. "Just ignore him." he said in his usual calm monotone.
Lexaeus opened his eyes and turned his head so he could look down the hall. He simply let out a soft grunt and returned to his meditation.
Luxord, Xigbar, and Xaldin paused their game and looked towards the hall.
"Is that Aerosmith?" the scarred man asked with an arched brow.
"He does have some taste, that's for sure." the Gambler of Fate said with a shrug as he returned to looking at his hand.
"I still don't understand why he continues to hold such an interest in music. It's not like he has the "heart" to appreciate it." the Whirlwind Lancer said coldly as he looked back at his hand.
"Meh, let him have his fun." The Freeshooter said with a chuckle as he turned is attention back to the game. "Besides, I'd say that he'll have another thirty seconds until Larxene goes and rips the kid a new one." he said with a grin.
And like the man with the eyepatch said, the slender blonde woman got up from her seat and stomped off out of the room.
A minute later, the music suddenly cut off and the sound of an angry beast roaring in the distance could be heard, followed by very girly screams.
"That's better." Axel said with a yawn as he sank back into his seat.
"Yes, but now we'll have to listen to Demyx's screaming." Zexion said as he turned a page in his book.
"Meh, I can deal with that." the redhead said with a laid back shrug and closed his eyes so he could go back to sleep.
The Melodious Nocturne was currently running for his non-existence.
The reason why?
"Get back here so I can gut you like a pig you lazy, good for nothing, loser!" Larxene shouted as she chased after the aquakinetic musician, knives drawn so she could slice the idiot into mincemeat.
The murderous she-beast that was hot on his heels, that's why.
"Gah, run, run away!" the blond with a mullet cried out as he ran at top speed, surprisingly keeping ahead of the Savage Nymph.
Why couldn't he just enjoy his music without someone attempting to try and wipe him from the face of the World?
Demyx gave a cry of fear as a lightning bolt shot passed by his head, barely singing his beautiful hairdo.
Thinking quickly, the young man turned down a hallway that he knew led towards Marluxia's garden.
It was the only place that had more than enough water to short out the rabid electrokinetic woman behind him.
The blonde turned down the hallway and continued the chase.
Marluxia had finished tending to his flowers and had just turned on the irrigation system.
He noted that the water that came out of the sprinklers was an odd purple color, and was worried that it could harm his plants.
But before the man could do anything about it, Demyx came speeding into the garden, Larxene following close behind.
"Nowhere left to run Demyx." the woman said with an evil smile as she stared the blond man down.
"Larxene..." Marluxia spoke up, gaining the woman's attention. "If you're going to kill Demyx, then could it at least not be in my garden?" he asked as he crossed his arms over his chest.
"Oh, don't get your panties in a twist! I'll be out of here before you know it!" she said dismissively before she turned her attention back towards the ninth member of the Organization, who had backed up until there was a fair distance between the two.
"Hey, hey, let's not do anything crazy here! After all, when has music ever hurt anybody?" the blond asked with a nervous grin, hands up in front of him in a placating manner.
"You made me lose my place in my favorite book! Not only that, but I'm sick of you constantly blaring your crappy music through the halls and your annoyingly lazy attitude!" the blonde girl growled out as electricity began to arc across her body.
"Maybe you just have no taste?" Demyx suggested with a shrug prompting the woman to let out an irritated growl.
"Any last words?" the woman asked in a growl.
The musician then let a confident smirk appear on his face. "Yeah, dance water, dance!" He shouted as he quickly summoned his trademarked blue sitar, Arpeggio, and began to rapidly strum its strings.
Suddenly, a massive amount of purple-ish water blew out of the sprinklers and pipes of the garden's irrigation system and began to swirl around the blond Nobody.
Before either the eleventh or twelfth members or the Organization could do anything, the ninth member sent the small flood surging towards them.
"Demyx, wait!" Marluxia cried out in alarm.
"Oh shi-" Larxene shouted before she was cut off by the wave of purple water.
After the duo was swept down the hall into the castle Demyx spun his sitar in the air in victory.
"That's how it's done!" he said with a grin.
Suddenly there was the sound of movement going on behind him.
A large shadow then fell over the man.
"Huh?" he said as he turned around to look at the source of the shadow.
His expression quickly shifted from one of confusion to fear as a giant monster that looked like a mutated cross between a rose bush and a Venus flytrap towered over him.
Its head was like that of a rose with its petals open, only with the snapping, salivating maw of a Venus flytrap in the center. Its main body was like a giant flower stock, only thrice as thick as a tree and had a giant glowing yellow sack covered in vines growing from the front. It had four giant root-like legs as thick as tree trunks which it used to move around, and growing from its body were numerous swaying vines tipped with salivating Venus flytraps.
It sort of reminded the blond of the Dire Plants and its various subspecies, only without the Heartless emblem and eyes.
The young man was quickly reminded of his current situation when the monster gave a rather hungry sounding hiss.
The color drained from his face and he immediately hightailed it outta there.
Larxene held her head groggily as she sat up.
"Uh, I'm so going to make that loser pay for this!" she muttered angrily as she brushed some of the tainted water off of her.
"You can kill Demyx later, right now let's focus on getting ourselves cleaned up." Marluxia stated as he stood up and offered a hand out to the woman.
She ignored the man's unspoken offer and got back up on her own.
After the blonde wiped some more water off of her pants Demyx ran by screaming like a little girl.
"What the...?" the pink-haired man asked in confusion as he watched the male blond's back.
"What's got him all worked up?" the woman asked with an annoyed frown as she arched a brow.
Just then there was a rumbling, followed the sound of a stampede.
The duo looked towards the direction the senior member ran from and stared anxiously as the rumbling got more intense.
Within moments the massive plant monster came into view, stampeding down the hall at great speeds, with each and every one of its mouths snapping at the air and slobbering hungrily.
Larxene and Marluxia's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates and paled several shades, their coats paling along with them.
"What the hell is that thing?!" the Savage Nymph asked as she pointed at the monstrosity barreling down on them.
"Is that my rose bush?!" the Graceful Assassin shouted in horror at the sight of what one of his most beautiful flowers had become.
The creature spotted the two and let loose a mighty roar that was heard throughout the castle.
"back off!" the blonde shouted as she sent a powerful thunder spell at the beast.
The spell hit the monster head on, but had no effect on it.
"I think we should run..." the pink-haired man said once he realized the danger he and the blonde were in.
"Don't have tell me twice!" the smaller woman shouted as she bolted, both figuratively and literally, down the hall as fast as she could.
"Larxene, wait for me!" the man shouted fearfully as he hightailed it after the woman, just barely avoiding the plant monster's jaws snapping at where he stood only a moment before.
The two neophytes ran for their very non-existence as the monster nipped at their heels.
Saïx entered the Grey Area with a noticeable scowl on his face.
Everyone could clearly see that he was annoyed.
"Can anyone tell me just what caused such an awful racket just now?" he asked calmly, though with a clear anger hidden just under the surface.
"Beats me." Axel said with a nonchalant shrug. "Maybe Roxas and Xion are watching a movie. That, or Larxene's really pissed." he said with another shrug and returned to his lazing.
The blue-haired man scowled. "I very much doubt that number XII could let loose such an awful sound." he said with a scoff.
"I thought it sounded something akin to a whale call." Zexion said as he flipped through his book.
"Quite. And last I checked Roxas and the Puppet were still under punishment for their blatant misconduct last week." the Luna Diviner said as he crossed his arms over his chest.
"Geez Saïx, lighten up! They were just asleep, snuggled up on the couch is all! And they had a tough mission earlier that day." Axel said as he rubbed under his nose with a finger. "It was actually kind of cute." he said with a smirk. He remembered the picture he took so he could blackmail the two little love birds later.
"I do not see what is so "cute" about such foolish behavior. They act as they they actually have hearts." the second in command of the Organization said with a shake of his head.
He probably would have found such a notion funny if he actually had a heart, but he didn't have a heart, so he didn't find it funny.
Not one bit.
Just then Vexen stumbled into the room, covered in soot with smoke rising from his form.
"Another failed experiment doc?" the redhead asked with a grin.
"I am in no mood for your tomfoolery number VIII! I was in the middle of a very important experiment when that, that buffoon's awful music ruined the whole thing!" the blond said with a scowl. "Now my whole lab is ruined and all of my experiments have been delayed for weeks!" he ranted angrily as he paced back and forth.
He was mostly ignored by the other members as he continued to rant about things they didn't care about.
Just then, a high-pitched scream echoed through the halls.
Seconds later Demyx ran into the room and ducked behind a couch, babbling all the while about giant scary plant monsters.
Saïx let out an annoyed huff and pinched the bridge of his nose.
Axel Chuckled humorously.
Vexen kept ranting.
Zexion continued to read his book.
Lexaeus was still meditating.
And Xigbar, Xaldin, and Luxord kept playing poker.
Another roar was heard from within the depths of the castle and a shrill scream was heard.
Several minutes later Larxene and Marluxia ran into the Grey Area, both looking as if they were nearly mauled by a pack of wild dogs, given how ripped and torn their coats were.
The two then ducked behind the same couch as Demyx and watched the entrance to the room with wide, fearful eyes.
Now that caused everyone who noticed to raise a brow.
Larxene wasn't scared of anything! In fact, everyone was afraid of her. So what in the wide, wide, World of Worlds could possibly scare her that much?
"Do I even want to know?" Saïx asked boredly, arms crossed over his chest.
"Big! Freaking! Killer! Plant!" the blonde said as she kept her eyes on the entrance.
The blue-haired man arched a brow. "And what does that mean?" he asked with an unamused frown on his face.
"Somehow one of my beautiful flowers got turned into a gigantic man-eating plant monster!" the pink-haired man said as he cried for the loss of one of his beautiful flowers.
"It was probably one of Vexen's experiment things!" Demyx added as he trembled behind the couch.
"Now that you mentioned it, the water in the irrigation system did look kind of purple." Marluxia mussed as he held his chin in thought.
At that bit of info everyone turned their attention towards Vexen.
Upon noticing that everyone was looking at him, the scientist stopped his ranting and raised a brow.
"What?" he asked curiously.
"And what have you done about this plant monster that you're talking about?" Saïx asked as he turned his lunar gaze back towards the cowering trio.
"Well, we did try to fight it off..." Larxene started as she regained her usual scowl.
"But none of our attacks could do anything!" Demyx said timidly.
"And it didn't listen when I tried to control it! In fact, I think that only made it angrier!" the Graceful Assassin cried out dramatically.
"We were only able to get away because we threw those two brats in its way to distract it." the Savage Nymph said with a frown as she kept watching the hall.
Up in the corner of the screen, a small thought cloud appeared showing chibi versions of Roxas, Xion, and the monster, with the girl flailing in said creatures vines, calling out for her friend to help her.
"Wait, what?!" Axel asked indignantly as he sat up and looked at the woman.
"You mean to tell me that you left the only members of our ranks that can wield the Keyblade to fend for themselves against a gigantic monster?" Saïx asked with a dangerous edge to his tone.
"Meh, I'm sure they can handle themselves." Larxene said with a shrug, not really caring whether the two younger members lived or not.
"Are you crazy?!" the Flurry of Dancing Flames asked indignantly before standing up. "I'm going to go after them!" he said as he made his way towards the hall.
But before he could leave the room, there was a sudden shock wave that caused the whole castle to shake for several moments.
Moments later none other than Xemnas himself appeared in the middle of the Grey Area with an exhausted Roxas and a clearly traumatized Xion hanging from his arms.
The two teenagers looked very beaten up with dozens of bruises and cuts covering their bodies and their clothing were torn and frayed.
Heck, Roxas's pants got turned into shorts, and Xion's coat had shortened to the point that her belly was in plain view.
"Lord Xemnas! I did not expect to see you down here." Saïx said as he gave a brief bow to his leader.
"The most curious thing just happened not too long ago." the tanned-skin man said as he set the two teenagers down onto the floor. "I was minding my own business up on the Altar of Naught when, seemingly out of the aether, a giant beast appeared with our Keyblade wielders in its grasp. Can anyone explain to me why there is a monster destroying our castle?" he asked in a seemingly friendly tone, though everyone could hear the edge to it.
"It's his fault!" Demyx, Marluxia, and Larxene said at the same time as they pointed towards Vexen.
"What?!" the blond scientist squeaked indignantly.
The Superior of the In Between turned his golden-amber gaze towards the fellow founder.
"N-now wait a moment Superior! This whole thing would not have happened if it wasn't for number nine's infernal music!" the Chilly Academic said as he waved his arms defensively.
"I see..." the first Nobody said thoughtfully as he looked back towards the three younger members. "We will discuss this more at a later time. But first, we must deal with a weed that has taken root within our home." he said with his usual hand gestures.
Suddenly a massive shadow engulfed the room, and everyone looked towards the giant windows to see what could have caused it.
Play Final Fantasy XV OST- Omnis Lacrima
Standing just outside of the castle windows was the giant plant monster, only this time it's appearance was vastly different than before.
It now stood at a whopping one-hundred-twenty meters tall and easily weighed anywhere around two-hundred-thousand metric tons. It had a head similar to that of a Mosasaur or crocodile and a maw with knife-like teeth, even on the interior lining. In addition, six large tusks, three on each side, protruded from the fulcrum-region of its mouth. Large numbers of vines and tendrils were a primary feature of the creature. Some vines ended in sharp, spear-like ends, while others sported small, sharp-toothed mouths. Also, it had four stubby, root-like legs that it used to move, as well as what appeared to be meaty flesh underneath the tangled mess of vines and plant tissue. The fleshy surface was yellow and red-orange and had many wrinkles and lines, resembling a brain-like surface. (If you can guess this creature's name, then you will have my complete love and respect. Here's a hint: it's from a very famous monster movie franchise.)
The monster's massive yellow eyes bored into the group of tiny ants before it.
The reactions caused by what the member of Organization XIII saw varied.
Xemnas stared blankly at the beast, not the least bit intimidated.
Xigbar, along with Xaldin and Luxord had their jaws on the ground, their eyes bugging out of their heads.
Vexen was screaming as he pulled at his long, pale blond hair.
Lexaeus was stone faced.
Zexion actually dropped his book.
Saïx raised a brow.
Axel looked rather dumbfounded.
Demyx was wetting his pants.
Marluxia was subtly inching his way towards the exit.
Larxene paled turned chalk white, along with her coat and hair.
Roxas and Xion quickly hid behind their red-haired friend, trembling fearfully.
"What the heck is that thing?" the eighth member of the Organization asked in confusion.
Before anyone could answer, the beast let out a deafening moan-like roar that easily shattered the windows and made the Nobodies cover their ears.
"I think the smartest thing to do right now is flee." Vexen suggested after regaining some of his composure.
"Yeah, no, yeah!" Demyx said in agreement, so afraid that he stumbled over his words.
"Stay where you are my friends. This matter will be resolved in a moment." Xemnas said as he extended his hand outward creating a large ball of energy that crackled with power.
He launched the ball towards the monster and when it was halfway towards its target, the ball split off into a countless volley of balls that flew towards the monster at all angles.
The attacks connected with the beast and created a series of massive explosions that left a giant cloud of smoke in their wake.
"You were nothing but an eyesore." the leader of the Organization said with a smirk.
"Was there ever any doubt of lord Xemnas's power?" Saïx asked rhetorically as he let out a scoff.
The silver-haired man then turned towards his subordinates. "Now that the creature has been dealt with, let us clean up this mess." he said with some rather flamboyant sweeping gestures.
"Uh, boss..." Xigbar interjected with a raised finger.
The tan-skinned man cast his gaze over towards his third in command.
The Freeshooter only pointed a finger out towards the giant dust cloud that was now beginning to dissipate.
the leader turned around and quirked a brow.
The giant cloud of dust finally blew away and revealed that the giant monster was completely unharmed.
"Impossible!" the Luna Diviner uttered, looking legitimately shocked that the creature had survived.
Xemnas was surprised as well, though the only proof of that we're his slightly widened eyes.
"Just what kind of stuff have you been feeding those plants?!" Larxene asked as she sent a glare at Marluxia.
"Just the standard fertilizers! It must have been whatever got into the water lines!" the pink-haired man said as he waved his hands in front of himself defensively.
"I see... When my lab exploded, some of the chemicals must have fallen into the water storage. And when the water mixed with the fertilizer, it must have created a super growth serum that mutated the plants into this creature! How fascinating." Vexen said as he held his chin in thought, already thinking up ways on how to replicate the growth serum.
"Can we focus on the giant monster that looks like it want to kill us?!" Axel said as he pointed at the monster, who indeed looked pretty annoyed by Xemnas's attack.
"I believe the correct term for this creature would be kaiju, which means strange beast in Japanese." Zexion said with a know it all attitude.
"Do you think that really matters right now?!" the blonde woman shouted as the glared at the shorter man.
The kaiju then began to emit a gurgling noise before sending out a blast of highly pressurized water into the Grey Area. The attack easily punched a hole through the floor and continued uninhibited until it came out rough the other side of the castle.
Luckily our favorite Nobodies were able to avoid the blast by either hugging the back walls, or fleeing out into the hall.
The Grey Area, or what was left of it, had a giant gaping hole in the floor that stretched down into the depths of the Castle That Never Was.
Xemnas, who stood at the mouth of the hall, stared down into the abyss in front of him. If he had a heart he would have been both impressed and somewhat fearful of the beast's power.
The castle then began to rumble and shake. It was beginning to fall apart, no longer able to sustain itself.
"It must have hit the main generator that keeps the castle afloat! At this rate we'll crash into the ground!" Vexen stated as he clung to a pillar.
The plant-based monster then let out another deafening roar as its vines began to grow and overtake the castle, breaking through walls and covering every surface they could.
"The castle is lost my lord. None of us can hope to combat this beast." Saïx said as he looked over the devastation of their base.
"I'm afraid you're right my friend. To further combat this creature would be utter foolishness. Come my friends, let us leave this place." the Superior of the In-Between said before leaving through a Corridor of Darkness.
Seeing that staying would mean certain death, the rest of the Organization followed suit and fled the castle.
End Theme
The members of Organization XIII soon found themselves standing in the middle of Twilight Town's forest.
And oddly enough, even the Moogle that regularly hang out in the Grey Area was there, floating off to the side.
"Soooo... What now?" Axel asked as he scratched the back of his neck.
"Now we find a new base of operations for which we can work to achieve our goal." Xemnas said with his usual grandiose gestures.
"What about Castle Oblivion?" the redhead asked curiously.
"That brat Sora came by and kicked us out, remember. Plus, do you really want to risk losing your memories just staying there?" Larxene asked rhetorically as she crossed her arms over her chest with a scowl, still very sore over her loss.
"Larxene has a point." Xemnas said as he turned to face his subordinates. "Castle Oblivion would be too obvious. Even though it's difficult to get to, it would be the first place our enemies would think to look for us. We must find a place where we can work uninterrupted." the silver-haired man said with more hand gestures.
"Where do we start? It's not like people are just renting out their castles, right?" Roxas asked curiously as he looked at Xion.
The ravenette simply shrugged.
"That doesn't matter. All of you go out and find us a new base from which to work." Saïx said with a small frown as he crossed his arms over his chest.
"Aw come on, do we all have to go?" Demyx whined as he slumped forward depressingly.
"Yes." the blue-haired man said as he looked at the blond slacker with a glare, causing the younger member to flinch.
Demyx then left through a dark corridor to get away from the scary scarred man.
"Hey, don't worry boss man, we'll find a new place in a flash!" Xigbar said with a confident smirk as he vanished through a space-time distortion.
The other members soon left to start searching for a new place.
The Underworld
Demyx had come to the Underworld to make a deal with Hades to let the Organization use part of the Underworld as a base.
Unfortunately, the Lord of the Dead was in a bad mood after Hercules defeated yet another one of his monsters.
And so when the Melodious Nocturne showed up, the God was quick to explode with rage, both figuratively and literally.
Suffice to say, Demyx couldn't have run away faster even if he had a Behemoth on his tail.
Beast's Castle
Xaldin had come to Beast's Castle intending to trick the eponymous Beast into letting the Organization use his home as a base of operations.
He was even going to use both Belle and the Beast's precious rose as hostages should he refuse.
But what the Whirlwind Lancer didn't count on was the untimely arrival of Sora and his two sidekicks.
He was eventually forced to fight the hero and the Beast and even held the advantage throughout most of the fight.
That was until none other than King Mickey showed up, saved the brat, and then proceeded to wipe the floor with the dreadlocked man.
Suffice to say, he escaped with his body bruised and his pride wounded.
Hollow Bastion
Vexen had come to Hollow Bastion to see if he could take the castle back for the Organization.
Unfortunately, the Hollow Bastion Restoration Committee were busy at work rebuilding the castle and weren't particularly happy when the blond accidentally made himself known.
The Chilly Academic was lucky enough to avoid being on the business end of Leon's gunblade.
Hyrule
Zexion and Lexaeus had arrived on this world in an attempt to broker a deal with the dubbed " King of Evil," Ganondorf.
Unfortunately, before they could enter the Gerudo King's castle, said building suddenly collapsed right as a boy in a green elf costume and a princess ran out in time to avoid being crushed by the rubble.
The fifth and sixth members of the Organization simply sighed and moved on.
Mushroom Kingdom
Roxas, Axel, and Xion made their way over to Bowser's Castle in order to ask the Koopa King if they could use his place for a base.
Though much like with the Dorf's castle, the lair of King Koopa collapsed just as a portly red plumber came out carrying a blonde woman in a pink dress while riding on the back of a green dinosaur wearing red shoes.
The trio stared at the scene with gobsmacked expressions.
Mobius
Luxord casually strolled through through the sprawling amusement park-like citadel known as Eggman Land to speak with the eponymous Dr. Eggman to ask him if the Organization could use his citadel as a base.
But as he entered the main building he spotted said scientist in the middle of a fierce battle with an anthropomorphic blue hedgehog.
The blond Brit simply turned around without a word, walked out of the building, and began to whistle a jaunty tune as the building behind him exploded.
The Fire Nation
Larxene had come to this strange little world at war for the purpose of taking the Fire Nation's Imperial Palace as a base.
Her plan was simple, but effective. Take out the people in charge and take control while everyone was panicking over their lost leadership.
She had an easy time doing it too, breezing her way through every guard that came at her.
She reached the grand throne room and scoffed at how tacky she thought everything looked.
But just before she could take down this Fire Lord guy, who she mistakenly thought was a Nobody for a moment just from how callous and cold he was, some arrogant little slip of a girl showed up and challenged her to a fight.
Despite the little brat's impressive skills with fire manipulation, she didn't even pose much of a challenge to the Savage Nymph, especially when the latter moved fast enough to create clones of herself.
The blonde took great pleasure grinding her heel into the girl's head before moving on to the big guy.
Bastard was more angry that the girl had gotten beaten so badly.
But before the twelfth member of the Organization could finish her job, some other girl in pink tights showed up and pinched a nerve in the blonde's neck, immediately making the woman collapse onto the floor, though still conscious.
Instead of being executed on the spot, she was thrown into prison and kept under guard.
It took an hour for her to regain feeling in her body, but when it did, she waited for that Fire Lord guy, whose name she didn't care to know, to come and see her.
When he did, she taunted him until he looked ready to incinerate her.
Pleased by the results she gave a grin and escaped through a dark corridor right in front of the man, leaving him to scream in rage.
Eichenwald
Marluxia casually strolled through the abandoned and overgrown village of Eichenwald.
It was a rustic little German town that sat on the very edge of a massive forest that overlook an equally massive meadow that stretched on for miles. There was even a sprawling city seen off in the distance.
But the major selling point of the city was the ancient stone castle that towered over the village.
This place was the perfect out of the way location to set up shop!
The only real downside were the broken remains of what looked like robots and war machines. But other than that, there wasn't really anything that could make the man reconsider this place.
Suddenly a massive firefight broke out all around him between a bunch of goons in masks and a group of people in odd costumes, and crazy high tech weapons.
Not wishing to be caught in the crossfire, the Graceful Assassin ducked into a nearby vacant building and peeked out at the war zone outside.
On second thought, maybe this place wasn't so great after all.
Several hours later everyone returned to Twilight Town forest looking like they went through a war zone.
Everyone was cut up, bruised, and covered in a fine layer of dust, while Demyx was a little burned and smoking.
"I take it things didn't go well?" Saïx asked as he looked over the group.
"What was your first clue?" Larxene asked with a scowl as she fixed her hair.
"We all visited multiple worlds that had potential bases for us to use." Zexion said as he dusted off his coat.
"But in every attempt, we were either chased off, or the castle we were about to acquire would collapse when a hero would defeat the resident villain that dwelled there." Xaldin said with a scowl.
"Why do castles do that anyway?" Roxas asked curiously as he looked towards Axel.
"No clue." the redhead replied as he fixed a crick in his neck.
"There were also a couple of times where we ran into Maleficent." added Xion.
"I see..." The Luna Diviner said with a frown.
"So what do we do now?" Xigbar asked as he glanced lazily at his leader while leaning against a tree.
"Unfortunately I will have to ask him for a favor..." Xemnas said with what could have passed for distaste in his tone.
"Whoa, you serious?!" the Freeshooter asked in surprise.
"Sadly, yes." the leader said with a frown on his face.
The rest of the founding members and Saïx all frowned, not liking where this was going.
"Who's him?" Roxas asked in confusion.
"A fool who refused to become one of us." the Luna Diviner said with a growl.
"Wait, you mean that there are others besides us?!" Xion asked in shock. She had no idea that other Greater Nobodies existed besides them.
"Of course. The World is bigger than you can imagine, so the chances of there being more Greater Nobodies like us is rather high." Vexen said with a sigh.
"Then why aren't they in the Organization with us?" Roxas asked innocently.
"Because only the strongest Nobodies can join Organization XIII! All of the other ones are left to fend for themselves." the one-eyed man said with a smirk.
"He would have become our ninth member had he not refused." Xaldin said with a scowl.
"Wait, what?!" Demyx said in shock at that little tidbit. He wasn't even their first choice!
"Oh yeah, I remember that guy! Got a mean right hook, that's for sure." Axel said as he rubbed his jaw, remembering the punch said person gave him.
"What's worse was that he gathered up other powerful Nobodies and formed a group of his own." Xigbar said with a shrug.
"As it stands, he has more Nobodies on his side than we do on ours." Saïx said as he crossed his arms over his chest.
"Wait, if you don't like the guy, then why do we have to call him?" Roxas asked in confusion.
"Despite our differing views on the nature of we Nobodies, both of our groups strive for the same goal. The restoration of our hearts and humanity." Xemnas said with his usual hand gestures.
"That being said, the guy will likely let us crash at his place until we either deal with our weed problem back at the castle, or complete Kingdom Hearts, whichever comes first." Xigbar said with another shrug.
"Okay, so how do we contact the guy?" Larxene asked with an arched brow as she crossed her arms over her chest.
The Superior of the In-Between said nothing and gave a small gesture to the empty space next to him, prompting a Dusk to appear.
"Inform the leader of the Order that I wish to ask him for a... favor, so to speak." the silver-haired man said as he looked at the slender creature through the corner of his eye.
The Lesser Nobody nodded and vanished through a dark corridor.
"Now we wait for a reply." the leader said as he closed his eyes and began to wait.
He didn't have to wait long.
A corridor of Darkness opened up behind the first Nobody, prompting the man to turn around to face the newcomer.
Exiting the portal was a man wearing a coat much like theirs, only being white in color.
Several moments of silence passed as the leader of Organization XIII stared down the hooded man.
"Hm, you at this point I would ask why no one bothered to say hello. But then again you people aren't really the type to get along well with others." the man said sourly as he crossed his arms over his chest.
"It is good to see that you are doing well. I was afraid that you would have rejected my request to meet with you." Xemnas said eloquently.
The man raised a brow under his hood. "From what I gathered, you aren't the type of man to make requests or ask for favors. Something must have happened, otherwise the great Lord of All Nobodies wouldn't have asked for me to come here." the man said with a small frown, sarcasm dripping from his voice as he spoke the title.
"Very astute." the tanned man said with a chuckle. "A rather unfortunate... event had recently transpired, forcing us to abandon our home and search for a new place to live." he said calmly, not revealing anything that would make him look bad.
"I see..." the stranger said thoughtfully. "I can only guess that you and your underlings already exhausted all other options. Otherwise I wouldn't be here." he surmised boredly. "So that brings up the question. What do you have to gain from this?" he asked curiously.
"The mutual benefit of working to complete our shared goal of course." Xemnas said with a small smile, his tone making him came off as rather smarmy.
The man's internal BS detector was going off, but decided not to comment. Instead he thought about the offer.
They both had the same goal in mind, but had different methods of achieving it. He knew he shouldn't trust Xemnas or his band of sociopathic goons, but it wouldn't hurt to have a few extra hands around the base. Hmm... Decisions, decisions.
"As nice as that sounds Xemmy, I'm afraid that I'll have to decline." the man in white said as he waved his hand dismissively.
"Please be reasonable Xurok." the Superior of the In-Between said trying not to let his displeasure show on his face. Even now, this young upstart of a Nobody continues to defy him.
"It's Kuro..." the man said with a huff.
"Pardon?" the leader of the Organization said with a raised brow.
"I said my it's Kuro, not that name you made up for me. So either refer to me by my REAL name, or not at all." the now dubbed Kuro said with some bite to his tone. He never liked the idea of abandoning his old identity for a false, empty one.
Saïx couldn't help but scoff in disgust at the man's insistence on being referred to by his original name. That part of his life was over, and that part of him will never return.
Xemnas's eyebrow twitched subtly before he let out a sigh. "Very well Kuro. But please reconsider. Working together would be of great benefit to both of our orders." he said as he pressed a hand to his chest.
"Perhaps it would. But I would be a fool to bring a group of strangers I don't know or trust into my home." the hooded man said as he placed his hands on his hips.
"A wise policy. But please give us the chance to earn your trust by allowing us safe haven in your home." the first Nobody said, cranking the charm up to eleven.
Kuro was silent for several moments as he considered what to do. Before long he came to a decision.
"Very well. I will allow you and your friends here to stay in our castle. But if you are to live under our roof, then you must follow our rules! Is that understood?" the man asked seriously.
"Of course. We are only guests in your home after all." Xemnas said with a pleased smile.
"Though, before I take you all back..." the man suddenly grinned under his hood. "You must admit that my group is superior to yours!" he said as he pointed at the Superior of the In-Between challengingly.
Hey, sometimes rivalries can be petty.
"I will say no such thing." the dark-skinned man said calmly, though his lower right eyelid began to twitch.
"Heh, for a being without a heart or emotions, you sure are prideful!" Kuro said tauntingly.
This time Xemnas released an audible growl as he glared at the audacious Nobody before him.
The man in white chuckled in amusement, and continued his taunting, wanting to see how much he can annoy the first Nobody.
The rest of the members of Organization XIII watched the scene in bemused silence. They had never seen anyone invoke such a reaction from their leader.
They continued to watch the two bicker back and forth for a short while before Kuro decided to put an end to it.
"Alright, alright, I've had my fun. Now let me properly introduce myself before we get going." the man said with one final chuckle before removing his hood and revealing his features to the Organization.
Kuro was a fairly good looking man with long, straight, black hair that reached down to his shoulders and fair skin. He had crimson eyes with cat-like slits for pupils, pointed ears, sharpened claw-like nails, and long canines. He had red tribal tattoos over the vast majority of his body with most of it being centered on his torso and arms. There were also red markings on his cheeks with a black crescent moon on his forehead. He stood at about 6'5" and was well built. He wore the Order's standard white coat like a haori over a simple, black kimono-like shirt over a traditional waraji, black hakama held up by an Uwa-Obi, and shin-length black boots.
"As a Nobody I am known as Xurok, the Black Wolf of the Void. But I wish for you to call me by my real name, Kuro. I'm sure I'll get to know each and every one of you during your stay in my home. Now please follow me and we'll get you all settled in." the man said as he opened a dark corridor and walked through it.
The members of Organization XIII glanced at one another before going through the dark portal one by one.
Just before the portal closed, the Moogle that sold items to the group of Nobodies flew in with a panicked Kupo.
And thus was the start of a new and interesting adventure. Not a journey to save the world. No, but having to deal with multiple eccentric roommates.
Stay tuned!
End of Chapter 1
Author's Notes
Titano Man: And that's a wrap! I'll tell you, I've had this idea buzzing around in my skull for a long time. I had always wanted to do a story like this about our favorite band of Nobodies. That being said, this is a comedy/parody story. Any and all behaviors/events within this work of fiction are to be considered non-canonical with not only Kingdom Hearts as a whole, but with all of my other fanfiction stories as well. Also, the behavior of every OC that appears in this story is not indicative of their true personalities in my more serious stories, in here it's mostly geared towards comedy. Also, I am going to introduce the other remaining members gradually instead of all at once. And this story will feature an open timeline, meaning that each event won't happen consecutively after the first couple of chapters. Not only that, but the entire timeline and lore of Kingdom Hearts as a whole might either not have happened at all or went about in a different way entirely. I may include characters and other crossover worlds later down the line, but for now this will be a pure KH story. And as a final warning, this story will feature heavy use of Original Characters of my creation. If you do not like that sort of thing, then this isn't the story for you. Now with my piece said, I can finally put an end to this wall of text. Please favorite, follow, and review. I'd really appreciate it, and it will make the story better!
Ps: I would also like suggestions for themes that you would like to see me parody in this story.
PPs: The title for this story was originally suggested by the Unplanner, so credit goes to him for that.
Xemnas: Until we meet again.