A/N: Thanks to Scylla87 and unwittingcatalyst for betareading. Extra thanks to unwittingcatalyst for listening to my story ramblings and general help staying motivated through out writing this too.
Ratingswise there will be some smut in later chapters, but not Explicit smut (this fic is also on Ao3 so if it does end up Explicit smut I write for it it'll have that higher rated version on there and a toned down Mature rated version on here due to FFnet's restrictions), but this is also rated Mature for some violence/gore in a later chapter related to a temporary major character death.
This fic is basically a long, long angst ramp up that peaks pretty dramatically and then works its way to a happy ending. Also, more than half of it is Caitlin POV (for maximum angst) on canon events with the soulmate twist included and related character study elements, so there's also canon pairings in there before getting to the endgame pairing, including obviously Barry/Iris being important and becoming established. This chapter has more of an unrequited on Cait's side Barry/Caitlin focus due to the setup of the fic, as well as Caitlin/Ronnie being prominent from canon but Caitlin/Iris stuff will come in later chapters. There will also be some canon dialogue used in places in the fic during the canon related chapters.
Hope you all enjoy, and feel free to come find me on tumblr under the same username if you want to chat about the fic or snowestallen in general. :)
Update: duskdragon39 on tumblr has made some fanart (a title card and some extra sketches on tumblr) for this fic - I can't add a link or the pics o here but it is reblogged and tagged on my tumblr under the fics tag I have 'flash fic: i can only stare'. Many thanks to them for creating the art. 💖💞
I'm also gonna mention a song I associate with the chapter (from my fic fanmix I use when writing it) in each author's note in case anyone wants to listen to those when reading. Song for this chapter is "Parachute" by Ingrid Michaelson.
Great Possibilities
Ever since she was a child soul marks had confused her. Or, more precisely, the way people reacted to them, to the knowledge that someone out there was intended for you. For a lot of people – both in the stories and increasingly in real life - she saw it take over their life, it was their one goal. Cait couldn't understand why, not when there was so much more to life than one person could give you.
When she was younger she looked to the skies with her father, camping under the stars. In general, she looked at the world around her with marvel. Equally she looked at the skin around her mark with curiosity. Naturally she wondered what the triangular shape of the mark meant, what the wooden texture inside it signified, what the word that looked as if it was engraved on it would be paired with, but she also wondered about the layers underneath, the fat and muscle and blood vessels, the things most people took for granted and thought little of. Those were no less mysterious to her as a child, but those things had sure-fire answers waiting for her if she just tried hard enough. The word on her mark was the only thing she thought much of – heals, which did not surprise the daughter of doctors – because she knew she wanted to be like them, that fit her already. Her goal in life became scientific discovery, searching of a different kind to the one people expected of her.
She never even signed up for the soul marks matching service once she was of age, she wasn't in any hurry to find someone she wasn't even sure to like. It wasn't that she hated the idea of having a soulmate. She saw the appeal in having someone to share things with but you could share your life with anyone, with several someones. Her childhood had become lonely after a certain point; her father gone, her mother withdrawn and she yearned for a connection she didn't find, but she never dreamed about finding that one in several billion person, she would have been happy to have a friend or two. One she didn't leave behind when she skipped grades or they moved for her mother's work. Going to college a couple of years early had not helped her flourish socially – she was awkward, a little too abrupt like her mother and didn't have the same experiences as her almost peers - but it had been okay because she was on target for the career she wanted.
It helped that her mother understood her focus, defended her choices. Her mother had been much the same in terms of choosing her career since her husband had died. Even so Cait had often wished she'd spared some more time for her, it didn't feel like they alone made up a family anymore, not like when her dad had still been alive. The special moments she'd once had with her mother growing up had dwindled over time and her attempts to recreate those occasions fell flat, too painful to relive in the shadow of their grief. Eventually she had given up trying to gain attention from her mother – the best she got was a card or two a year, with her mother's PA's handwriting on the envelope, and a reasonable level of feedback when she sent links to her published papers.
S.T.A.R. Labs changed everything. She met Ronnie. She met Cisco. She felt loved again.
She knew Ronnie wasn't her soulmate from the very first date. He told her about his mark – an empty flame over his heart, the core of it missing - and there was no way it matched hers. She'd promptly told him as much and he'd simply grinned and said 'So what? Are you dating me or my soul mark?' At first she worried it was a bad choice, that one or the other of them would regret 'settling'. Of course she worried about other things too - was he too adventurous for her, was she too predictable for him, would it cause trouble at work, would it be too distracting at work. Eventually she trusted the empirical proof in front of her. She and Ronnie were good together. Caitlin found she didn't care about their supposed lack of compatibility based purely on not having matching soul marks. Being someone's soulmate wasn't a recipe for happiness, she only had to look to at what remained of her family to know that. So she took what happiness she could get and didn't regret it for a second.
For a while she felt blessed – her career was going swimmingly, she worked at a wonderful research company, the opportunities for studies were endless. She managed to find a good work-life balance and keep her priorities straight despite the temptation to play hooky from time to time when Ronnie was around. She even suspected Dr. Wells cut them some slack there, because on the odd occasion they were late back from lunch he said nothing. Cisco was supportive, though he'd roll his eyes and sass her about catching them having a moment. It was amazing to have not just a fiancé, but to have found a fantastic friend in the same year, in the same place no less. Cisco and her were quite different in many ways, yet they had a companionship that was easy and an ability to spark off each other that greatly helped the projects they worked on together. She could see Wells approved of their partnership and she couldn't wait to come to work every day. In retrospect things were going a little too well.
Her and Ronnie were happy, so very happy, until that fateful night when he apparently died and the Flash was created.
Just a few weeks after the incident she meets her soulmate and he's in a god-damn coma but Caitlin can't find it in herself to care about that, not initially. She doesn't mean to uncover his soul mark – the protective patch over his hip comes unstuck as she does her tests - and at first she's just embarrassed to see it. Most people keep theirs covered by clothing if they can because of how taboo it is to share them with anyone but your soulmate. Patients are always given the option where possible to cover with special patches but she can't pretend she hasn't seen a few by accident before, during her residency. Somehow it still disturbs her, an invasion of privacy she hadn't intended.
It takes a few seconds for her to realise the proper implications of what she is staring at though – the triangle, the wood texture it's filled with, the same dark engraved script of the word everything. She blanches and in a panic goes to cover it back up as if that will make it possible to ignore, except she is clumsy and her fingertip grazes it in her hurry. Instantly she knows her mistake – there's a jolt where she touches it, an undeniable connection made, just like she has read about. It makes her feel sick to the stomach, this can't be happening. Because Barry Allen isn't anything to her, Ronnie was her fiancé. Ronnie is the one she misses. No one can replace Ronnie.
When Barry wakes up, she almost hates him for being there when Ronnie isn't. It's a fleeting thought, hidden with professionalism and nudged out by her scientific interest in finding out what exactly is going on with him. She doesn't feel so weird about being interested in him like that. Science is her fallback, she can depend on it to get her through the tough times. That and Cisco. Work has been a distraction for the last nine months and she is perfectly happy for things to continue like that, but she has no such luck.
Barry wants to play hero and Cisco is eager and onboard too. Despite sharing her initial concerns Wells seems intrigued enough to try, to improve the state the city is in. She feels guilty she hasn't fully considered how things are for everyone else in all that time she was grieving, too swept up in trying to survive, in keeping herself, and then also Barry, alive. Now there is more to consider and it starts to overwhelm her a bit. Each time Barry goes out on a mission, she has to fight the panic that reminds her Ronnie died being a hero, people who try to be heroes end up expendable more often than not. Each time Barry comes back injured she presses her lips tight, resisting saying more than she has to, and not always succeeding. It's not her place to worry for him, not as anything more than his doctor, but she can't help it at times.
After she's learned to tolerate him and slid into sort of liking him too, she almost hates him for how he's in love with Iris. It's a flash in the pan as far as feelings go, only stirring up from time to time when she sees his dedication to Iris, but it exists and she feels ashamed of it. She doesn't say a thing about the soul marks because she doesn't believe in destiny. Iris may be with Eddie right now but there is still the possibility of Iris that she sees Barry cling to and she doesn't want to break them apart with the truth. The matching mark of his isn't more meaningful than over a decade of closeness him and Iris share. She can imagine Barry feeling a sense of duty to his soulmate, despite how he feels about Iris, and Caitlin would never want to have someone like that. Soul mark or not, she wants to be chosen. Everyone with eyes knew Barry already chose Iris long ago.
Still, she grows to appreciate Barry's company and he seems glad of hers and Cisco's too. He opens up about his mother's death, and bit by bit his anecdotes uncover the deeper effects of it – not simply grief, nor the just as painful absence of his father, but the alienation of his peers. People didn't believe in Barry, they judged him and passed him over as crazy or naïve, not the kind of person most people wanted to associate with. Clearly Barry had had Iris, but the picture he unintentionally painted with his comments showed he hadn't had many friends since his family had been torn apart. She feels pity for all the people who passed up an opportunity to have such an amazing guy in their life but is sadder for Barry, and honored she and Cisco get to be part of the team who support him. Barry deserves support and it becomes ever clearer being a superhero requires plenty.
The more time she spends with him the more she considers what their connections means; soul marks aren't always romantic in nature and she entertains the idea that perhaps they are simply marked because of this partnership – she knows he's helping her come out of her shell again and she likes to think she's helping him at least scientifically, not to mention medically with the bumps and bruises and broken bones he'd had so far.
That whimsical idea gets completely thrown out when he loses his powers. Catching him mournfully eyeing up The Flash suit on the mannequin, she sees how much he's struggling to believe in himself and she only means to reassure, yet her heartfelt words come out with far more meaning than she'd expected. Barry either doesn't notice or thinks nothing of it, confiding in her about feeling like he's missing a part of himself.
"I'm not sure I can live without it, Caitlin."
For a moment he looks at her and she feels this pull, an innate desire to close the distance. Her stomach sinks as she recognises the flutter in it, oh no. Her breath catches in her throat as he looks back at her like he's lost, and she wants to reach out, ground him, and stop that worry and self-doubt. She thinks she should turn away, yet she can't because this is Barry and finally she can see exactly what he means to her – her muddled faith coming to a clarity because it isn't merely about the purpose she has, or who she is working with, those things help, make her days better, but it's because it feels right. Her life has shifted tracks and even though it looks nothing like she'd dreamed of, it is the right track for her, for him. Her eyes are drawn to his lips and the air feels thick between them - she takes a step forward. Suddenly Cisco appears, interrupting the moment. She can't decide if she's relieved or disappointed. Overall she thinks it's for the best, probably a mistake (because there's Iris) and knows it once she finds out Ronnie is out there, alive.
But that day is an exception. Barry's powerless, Farooq enraged and threatening them on their home turf – they creep around the halls, trying to figure out a plan and failing to come up with anything that doesn't involve shocking Barry to within an inch of his life, possibly ending him anyway if they are wrong. As she sits on the floor in the dark with him and his hand curls around hers, her heart beats faster but she feels like things might just be okay. Maybe that's what gives her the courage to do what Barry asks, their last ditch effort. She doesn't want to watch another person die here, so she dearly hopes her faith is well placed, holding her breath as she pulls the lever. Nothing turns out quite liked expected, no powers manifest then, not until they are all in the line of fire, yet at the end of the day Barry is fine, back to normal, passing the inadvertent test they were all put through.
Not that that is the only trying time they have...The experience of being kidnapped isn't as alarming as she'd have expected. She holds onto the idea that as long as they want her for something they won't kill her. She baulks when Rory teases her with the lighter, but Snart has him stick to the plan. She wishes the plan didn't involve Barry outing himself as The Flash to the city, it's paramount to painting a big red target on his back. He might move fast but that's not something she wants to be responsible for. It isn't just heroes who are expendable, she tells him not to come in rushed words on the broadcast. Barry ignores her, unable to resist saving the day – she doesn't entirely believe it's about her though, really he wants to be known, wants to be seen. Don't they all?
She thinks of Barry, of Cisco and Wells, in the moment of doubt she has when she hears the tripwire set off during her rescue, wondering if she will be blown to smithereens. She thinks of all they've achieved in such a short time, and she wants to live. She thinks, Of course I want to live. Simple and obvious, but has she actually been doing that in the time since Ronnie died? That's when she resolves to do more, to keep making a difference, to make a true effort to overcome her past.
The one wrench in that plan is that Ronnie doesn't turn out to be dead after all, her past haunts her more literally. She chooses to ignore whatever Barry is to her, because she chooses Ronnie. She chose him long ago, much like Barry had with Iris. Even if she hadn't chosen him again, Ronnie needs help and she would never abandon him. She pokes her nose into places people think it doesn't belong and they find a trail of breadcrumbs leading to... more confusion. Which is about the time her and Barry end up commiserating together under the guise of recon.
When she steps into the bar dolled up for a change she feels self-conscious, unable to let Barry's surprise slide by without a self-deprecating remark, but she enjoys seeing him momentarily speechless. No one has looked at her like that in some time, it makes her feel more normal, not purely the workaholic scientist or grieving fiancée she has been for too long. There are too many drinks consumed for sure, but it helps to let go of all her hang-ups about spending time around him. Living in the now is like a luxury she hasn't let herself have and she has fun, until all the 'fun' catches up to her. But Barry takes care of her, helping more than she'd asked for, speeding her out of her frustrating dress and into her favorite pyjamas. Mentally she panics for second – Did he see her soul mark? Had she covered it enough? - though she isn't as panicked at the possibility as she normally might be.
"Did you sneak a peek? At my goods?" she asks cheekily, aiming for covering up her interest with teasing.
"I wouldn't be much of a hero if I did." Barry replies, ever the gentleman. It's said far too straightforwardly for him to be lying, just like her he tends to get flustered and babble when caught in a deception.
"Yeah, but it's okay if you peeked a little," she says teasing a little more. "You deserve a peek for all the good stuff you do."
That doesn't come out quite right. Deserve isn't what she meant, he deserves something, sure, but not her, not people, just...good things. She stumbles over what she means mentally even worse than she had physically at the bar, before she gives up and figures it's close enough to something true.
And somehow also far enough away from expressing the truth she isn't drunk enough to forget she shouldn't admit, how she kind of wished he had looked. Would it be the worst thing in the world if he knew? Some days carrying the secret weighs her down.
Today she feels light, a reminder of what it could be like if things were different, if she could just say what she wanted. She doesn't though. Barry leads her to bed. The closest she manages is asking him to stay, to stave off the loneliness for one night, knowing he cares and will be there for her even if things aren't like that between them.
After the karaoke she has a brief hope that maybe they can both move on – an inkling of some nervousness when she talks about that to Barry in the hallway a few days later - but Barry moves on to Linda and Caitlin gives up whatever hope she had. Even without the consideration of Iris she isn't the one Barry turns to, of all the possibilities hers isn't seen. In her eyes, that's another mark against the idea of their marks meaning anything.
Then Cisco gets a decent lead on Ronnie. Things turn out to be more complicated than she could ever imagine. Ronnie isn't Ronnie at first. There's an awkwardness to a stranger using his face to study her as she runs her own tests, setting her on edge, making her heart clench at the use of 'Cait' in a tone that isn't his. Then Ronnie is practically a nuclear bomb and there's no time to think of anything but the practical, a rushed merely potential fix it might kill her to deliver but she has to try. There's a hammering in her chest as Barry runs her out of there, only just outpacing the explosion, clinging to him as hard as she clings to the hope Ronnie will survive.
She can't think of Barry when Ronnie is around – she is elated, she is thrilled to see Ronnie smiling down at her, like before. Except, he asks her to leave with him and then the thought of Barry creeps in. Not as her soulmate, as her friend, as her team-member. She's been a part of something larger than herself for months, doing good, making up for S.T.A.R. Labs' mistake and there's more to be done, more she wants to do. Ronnie had always supported her career, but this isn't a job anymore, it's a calling and she isn't any more certain she could leave Cisco either. Ronnie used to be the center of her world in some ways, but her perspective is different now, her alignment shifted and she can't just go back to how it was. He's baffled at her reluctance and she's saved from explaining further by chaos breaking out in Jitters, another crisis, another Tuesday.
It turns out the decision is made for them because evading capture by rogue military elements outweighs any other considerations. She's going to miss him, but it's not as bad as thinking he was dead all those months. They can both be happy without each other, Ronnie has his soulmate now, in another way - platonically in Stein. Neither of them found their person how they expected to but it will be okay. Ronnie leaves and she sidesteps the whole issue of exactly how attached she has become to not just this life she's leading, dangerous as it is, but to Barry, whom she can't imagine leaving.
It feels like things get back to normal, or as normal as weekly metahuman threats allow. That is, until Barry time travels, unwisely tries to break up Iris and Eddie, plus Cisco starts being jittery. To round it all off Barry reveals a conspiracy she can barely believe involving Wells. She's still trying to come to terms with that supposed betrayal when the kiss happens. It comes as a complete surprise – nothing like the time before when she was the one tempted. There is no pull towards him preceding it, no sparks flying. If she'd had time to process it she might have noticed what was off, might have realised what he'd said didn't sound like Barry, too coolly smooth, calculated, an act. As she kisses him back, a whole fleet of rapid thoughts spiral out of control and she is relieved when they are interrupted. It felt wrong. It felt like a mistake, and it's not too soon after that she pinpoints why. It wasn't Barry. His lips may have felt like Barry's in theory, an odd memory she now has, but they wouldn't move like his would, much like his voice had seemed off, lacking warmth.
She feels relieved for a single moment to know she didn't kiss Barry before the realisation makes her feel wretched knowing she'd actually kissed the shape-shifter Hannibal Bates, had a kiss stolen by him posing as Barry. It's worse in an entirely different way she couldn't have prepared for and it makes her twitchy, nervous to have it discovered, both for her indiscretion (what about Iris, Ronnie, what would Barry or Cisco think, what would they ask) and because she shudders at the thought of the violation. She never wants to talk about it, however well meaning, nor about how she feels a fool. Of anyone she feels like she should have known it wasn't her soulmate.
Everything about that day she wishes she could forget, but she can't. The awfulness is further solidified when she can't stop Iris' plan to take Bates to CCPD without breaking the secrecy surrounding the pipeline and The Flash. She hates lying to Iris, it would be so much easier if Iris knew, and she hates the consequence of the deception even more, Bates escapes with another act to fool well-meaning citizens. Barry apprehends him at the airport later but the very bad not good day is rounded off when Barry calls her to his forensics lab to verify the identity of one Harrison Wells, who is a decade and a half old corpse. If she'd thought their lives were crazy enough prior to that she'd been very much mistaken, they start to get out of control, or she should say, are revealed to be under the control of Eobard Thawne.
She starts to see her whole history with Dr. Wells in a new light. She wakes up in a cold sweat too many times from dreams where the apparent Wells said exactly the same thing as in her memory, said with another intonation, a subtle change that twists the meaning and makes it creepy. It reminds her a little too much of Bates playing at Barry, an uncomfortable blending by her subconscious to conflate being fooled by one as the same as being fooled by the other. Except, being fooled by Thawne does feel worse, it went on longer, and it cut deeper because she'd thought he'd had her back, been behind her. Instead he'd been out for himself, watching over her shoulder, using her skills. Did he know about the soul marks? Would he use that against her or Barry? It wasn't a blackmail that would work on her, but that didn't mean Thawne couldn't do damage by telling Barry if he so chose.
If Thawne chose at all, he chose differently she thinks when she sees the newspaper byline in the time vault. Barry doesn't question it, it confirms what he's always believed – Iris is his destiny. Meanwhile Iris chooses Eddie, is certain of her choice, happy to go with her heart and accidentally crush Barry's in the process. It feels like destiny is laughing at them. Caitlin starts to wonder if their fates are cruel, to tell you one thing and give you another. She had Ronnie who got taken away, only to find Barry, but Barry has never been hers. Even with Ronnie alive, neither is Ronnie hers, not really, not anymore, distant for a multitude of reasons. But Ronnie does come back, a heroic return and the turning tide in their fight against Thawne.
It helps to have Iris finally know about Barry as The Flash. Sure, Iris is angry at first, Caitlin doesn't blame her, but she is still there for Barry, for the team, when it matters, and they could do with the help. They flounder for a while without Wells. His absconding throws things off kilter, no one to lead them, everyone doubting their instincts because they trusted a man who turned out to be Barry's greatest enemy, a murderer. When Iris looks to them, looks at what they've made of S.T.A.R. Labs, she doesn't appear to see the same failings as they do – Iris has objectivity they sorely need. She's exactly the right person to help them get past the walls each of them has put up after learning the truth, because she asks the tough questions that are easier to avoid in the light of their mistakes. And Iris asks the questions they wouldn't think to, that get them reconsidering, coming at problems from another angle. There's a renewed hope once Barry holds off Grodd and they rescue Joe. Maybe they can be better now than they were before, now they know who they are fighting.
Sadly knowledge doesn't make things easier like she'd hoped. They capture Thawne and yet Thawne, being from the future, intrinsically has more to draw from and is eager to use it against them to get what he wants. Whilst Barry wrestles with his own dilemma over destiny, whether to go back and save his mother, she agrees to marry Ronnie. She doesn't care what happens if the timeline changes, she has no control over that, but this in the here and now she does have a say in. She takes a page out of Iris' book and goes with what she knows to be true, forsaking the hypothetical. She knows Ronnie, believes in him, believes in his love for her. She doesn't need soul marks to know he loves her, understands her, and she loves him, whether he's one man or occasionally two. Everything seems simple as she says 'I do'.
Yet it's just as simple for Ronnie to fly to his death when the skies open up that evening. He was always the hero, same as Barry is. Nothing could stop them. Both of them leave her standing there, only one of them comes back. She's relieved either comes back and instantly she feels guilt at that, Barry being alive doesn't change the hole opened up at Ronnie's absence. Barry moves to console her, holding her close as she sobs, feeling like she doesn't deserve any comfort but unable to stand up on her own.