A/N Been listening to this song for the past hour. Made something useful out of it. Sadness, crappy, but sadness. Please please please go look up the beautiful Melanie Fiona and listen to this song. It's sad, but her voice. The tune. The everything. It ain't 4 a.m here, but it is 1 a.m. Apologizing for hidden mistakes. :)
4 A.M
My head was hung low, my blonde hair shading my tear tracked face from the world. I'm on James' bed criss crossed apple sauce with my hands clasped gently in my lap. My eyes were dry as they stared blankly down at nothing. They stung from hours of having tears streaming from them and my nose was stuffed to the maximum. My head hurt, my heart hurt, fuck, everything hurt when I knew James was somewhere else, with someone else, calling them 'baby' and going behind my back.
I never thought he'd do this to me. I trusted him, I gave him my all yet he still cheats. I don't understand that concept. If you don't want to be with someone any longer, just tell them because cheating definitely makes nothing better. It hurts. I'm hurt. I'm beyond hurt and confused.
I probably sound like I'm 100 percent sure that I know James is cheating on me, but it's true. I found the lacey thong in the bottom of the loundry basket, I smelled his shirt that I was going to wash for him that reeked of a flowery perfume.
In the middle of the night he'd sneak out and magically be back in the morning. Either in the shower or climbing into bed with me dripping wet coming from the shower. To wash of whoever's scent from the girl he was seeing.
Tears streamed down my face and I picked up my phone again. With blurry vision, I dialed his number but with the same results for the past two hours. No answer. In anger I threw my cell phone against the wall and watched it shatter to the floor.
I got out of my child's position and pulled my knees up to my chest before burying my head on the top and began to cry all over again. Two dumb hours I've been trying to reach my numb boyfriend. Yes, we're still together despite of me knowing he's cheating.
I just want him to come clean to me. I just thought maybe he'd start to feel guilty and realize what he's doing is wrong and that he'd confess up. I thought he'd love me enough to tell me he's doing me wrong and that he wants to fix it. Something along there, it's all I'm asking for. I mean, I'm not the one sneaking behind my lover's back, am I?
I sniffled as a thought came into my head. There was a new girl who moved in recently, an actress and dancer for a new teen drama program. James always had a thing with dancers. I'm stupid for not realizing it sooner. The girl had given him flirty hints, hints that I ignored because I knew James loved me and only me. Or so I had thought. At the time I had nothing to worry about. But now...
I need to sleep but can't until James comes back. We're talking about this tonight, I'm tired of waiting for him to come clean to me. I slid out of his bed, my bare feet soundlessly hitting the carpet floor in his room. I shivered slightly even though I was in black sweat pants and a grey wife beater with a thin black jacket. I zipped myself in and padded to the door.
A drink. I need to drink something or I'd go mad with my hurricane thoughts. James must think I'm stupid if he thinks I haven't figured it out. Maybe I am stupid...
For staying with a cheater.
"Ugh." I groaned out loud in the silent apartment. Only two other people lived here and that was Carlos and Logan, my older brothers who have no relation to me at all. I'd imagine they'd be sleeping since it was four in the morning.
I continued my padding to the kitchen and went to the fridge opening it. "Carlos won't mind if I steal a beer."
I'd take any alcohol at this point.
I went to our spacious living room and fell down on the orange sofa. Curling my legs under me, I switched the flat screen on and went to MTV. Music calms me down in whatever situation I'm in.
I opened the can of beer and took a sip. I rested my elbow on the back edge of the sofa and leaned my head back against it with my drink balanced on my lap. My eyes burned but nothing was worth giving a fuck to at the moment. I closed them to see if that would ease the stinging.
They popped open when angelic singing filled the room softly.
Sitting here feeling kinda crazy
But not just any crazy
It's the kind you feel when you love somebody
And I know that my baby
Is calling somebody else baby
And I can't sit still
Look how gone it got me
Who knew that my heart could ever bruise
You see this scar here on my chest
I'm hurting and he don't even care
It's 4 AM and my lover won't answer
He's probably somewhere with a dancer
Sippin' champagne while I'm in his bed
It's 4 AM and I think I might lose it
This motherfucker thinking I'm stupid
He must have bumped his head
I only know it's 4 AM
Standing here and I'm getting heated
Pour me up a drink I swear I need it
I think I'ma about
About to hurt somebody
Swear this man is begging me to leave him
Getting sick of being so mistreated
Another night without
Without his arms around me
Who knew that my heart could ever bruise
You see this scar here on my chest
I'm hurting and he don't even care
Tears dripped down my cheeks as I stared at the woman singing seemingly to be going through the same shit like me. I felt her, I felt her hard. Suddenly feeling a presence in the room with me, I looked up and saw James standing there by the door looking stricken as he too watched the tv. I stared at him until he faced me.
I sniffled to make his sorry ass guilty before turning back to the singer myself.
It's 4 AM and my lover won't answer
He's probably somewhere with a dancer
Sippin' champagne while I'm in his bed
It's 4 AM and I think I might lose it
This motherfucker thinking I'm stupid
He must have bumped his head
I only know it's 4 AM
I don't deserve this life
I don't, I was a good boyfriend.
I'd make the perfect wife
I would, I was, I cooked him food and gave him massages from working out. I made sure my baby was okay at all times.
And I know love's a sacrifice
But who's gonna sacrifice for me and give me all the time and
Who knew that my heart could ever bruise
I looked over at James. He had moved closer and immediately looked back at me once he felt my eyes on him. That same dumb stricken look was still on his face. He looked like he wanted to say something. I don't know what emotion my eyes held or what my expression was, but it seemed to make James think twice about trying to- what? Deny the ugly truth?
The damn tears were back. James stepped towards me. I stood up.
You see this scar here on my chest
I'm hurting and he don't even care
And walked away to my room for the first time ever. The music followed me, surrounded me, the powerful lyrics swallowed me up. I opened my bedroom door and went inside.
It's 4 AM and my lover won't answer
He's probably somewhere with a dancer
Sippin' champagne while I'm in his bed
It's 4 AM and I think I might lose it
This motherfucker thinking I'm stupid
He must have bumped his head
I didn't sleep that night. I didn't have to see for myself to know that James did either.
I only know it's 4 AM