"Why people always leave. Why everyone you give a crap about walks away".
The words still lie heavy on his heart as Owen Hunt walks up to the house in the woods, intent on checking up on Amelia. She hadn't just been talking about Derek, he understands that she meant him as well. And it kills him knowing that he's caused her pain.
He and Richard Webber had shared a look that afternoon and he had silently promised to check up on her. Which is why he's here now.
As Owen steps onto the wooden deck he immediately spots Amelia standing there, or rather pacing there.
She is wearing simple jeans and a baggy sweatshirt, and still she's the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. It mesmerizes him just how stunning she is.
"Hey, it's good to see you" He greets, trying to get her attention, and for a second it works. She looks at him with a quick "hey" but then faces the other way again and goes right back to her pacing.
"It feels like I've been away for ever but I see nothing's changed except they chopped down that old tree". He has no idea why where he's going with this, he just hopes it will start a conversation.
She looks at him again briefly. "Yeah".
This is getting him nowhere. "Amelia, how have you been?" He knows asking her out right isn't likely going to give him a straight answer, but he has to at least try.
Finally she faces him properly, and yet now he finds himself wishing she'd look away. She is grinning sarcastically, but her eyes hold so much sadness it makes his heart ache.
"I'm fine. I'm great. I'm fan-freaking-tastic". There is an edge to her voice and her words cut like knives. "I've got the dead Derek thing completely managed" She says and she starts pacing again.
"I know people were worried. Since he died everybody has been looking at me, waiting for me to fall apart or freak out or just…" She makes a sound as if something were crashing, "to become a mess. Like some bomb everyone thinks is supposed to go off".
"My mother was calling three, four times a day. Addison was calling. Everyone. Makes sense. It's natural". She looks deep in thought, as if she isn't really aware of what is going on around her. Owen feels entirely useless. But the worst is yet to come.
Amelia just keeps on talking. "Every man I have ever loved has died". There's a slight quiver to her voice now and her pauses are getting longer. "Including my baby. Thank you universe". As she says it she shakes her fist up to the sky.
"So I should be like, grieve tragedy turned to stone bat crap crazy, but I'm good. I got this. I'm fine. I'm telling you. I'm amazing" As she speaks her volume increases and her speed picks up. "I am saving lifes left and right. I am putting buts in the seets of that OR gallery". With every sentence the venom in her voice becomes more clear. "I mean people are fighting to hear me lecture. I am entertaining. Joke. Joke. Joke. I'm funny. I'm fun. I am a party. I'm doing, I'm great.
She seems to have gotten most of it off her chest, and she calms down again. "I'm handling the dead Derek thing really well".
Owen just stood there the entire time she made her speech. He feels completely frustrated at how inadequate he is in dealing with her pain. "Okay" He says after she's been silent for a while.
His response makes her start talking yet again. "Except today I yelled at Richard, who was only trying to invite me for coffee. And now I'm standing here rambling for no apparent reason". She smiles at him sarcastically.
"You showed up again. I was fine. It was managed. But now It's not".
The former army doctor has dealt with a lot of traumatised people in his life, but he's never met anyone who deals with things the way Amelia Shepherd does, has never even come close to meeting someone who has gone through what she's been through. Therefor he has no idea what approach will work on her.
The handful of times she's let him in before he'd tried being gentle with her, and that hadn't worked all that well in. So he choses the tough approach now, hoping by god that it won't just cause more damage.
"All that stuff you're.. Managing?" He says and he holds her gaze, "You're not supposed to be managing it. You're supposed to be feeling it. Grief, loss, pain. It is normal".
Amelia scoffs. "It is not normal".
He can tell he's losing her as she turns away from him, but he can't let that happen. So he speeds across the deck to face her again. "It is. It is normal, It's not normal to you cause you've never done it. Instead of feeling the grief and the pain you shoved it all down and you ignore it." He wants to make her feel, not just the pain, but everything. "Instead of moving through the pain you run from it".
Suddenly a realisation hits him. "Instead of dealing with being hurt and alone and afraid that this horrible empty feeling is all that there is, I run from it" He says and he has to sit down. "I run off and i sign up for another tour, back to duty. We do these things, we run off and we drown ourselves in work, we do whatever it takes to cover it up and dull the sensation but it's not normal".
He desperately wants her to understand what he's saying. "We're supposed to feel. We're supposed to love, and hate, and hurt, and grieve, and break and be destroyed, and we build ourselves to be destroyed again." As he says it he stands up to emphasize his point, "That is human, that is humanity, that's.. that's being alive. That's the point. That's the entire point, don't avoid it, don't extinguish it".
There are tears in Amelia's eyes now and Owen knows he's gotten through to her. "Derek died. He died" She says it in a way that reveals just how much it hurts her, "I don't wanna feel it, i just… I don't think I can, I don't think I even wanna… I can't. I can't, I can't do this". She brings her hands up to her hair as if she's ready to rip every last lock out of her skull.
He's finally getting through to her and now he needs to supposer her. "yes you can" He says and he means it.
"I can't!" She yells at him, but he knows it's just the fear talking.
"You have to. Because if you don't it will destroy you". As he says it he finally gives into to his desire to touch her and he reaches out to grab that hand that she's still holding in front of her body like she needs to defend herself.
At his touch she finally crumbles and her face contorts with pain as she makes the most devastating sound he's ever heard a human being make. Amelia slumps down, but before he knees can fully and truly hit the deck he catches her, holding on for dear life. "You're gonna be okay. You're gonna survive this. Okay? Everybody does. It's perfectly normal, it's boring even. It's so normal".
She holds on to him like he's her only lifeline and at that moment he feels something.
At the hospital she'd been wearing scrubs so it hadn't been visible, and the sweater she's wearing doesn't show anything either. But with how close he is holding her right now he can clearly feel it.
Her belly is round and protruding.
It's not that big yet, but it's definitely there and he knows what that means. It can only mean one thing: she's pregnant. Probably about twenty two weeks along, if he has to guess.
A million feelings run around his mind, guilt, joy, love. But it can't be about him right now. He needs to support Amelia. If it is his child he'll get plenty of opportunities to form a coherent thought about it later. Right now he needs to take care of her.
The realisation that she's pregnant only makes it that much easier to understand why she's so upset, and he can't really blame her.
Owen picks her up gently, careful to disturb her as little as possible, and she doesn't protest. She simply continues to hold onto him and he's secretly glad that she's not objecting being carried.
Within a few minutes they reach the trailer but he doesn't put her down until they're actually inside, laying her on the bed as if she'll break if he's not cautious enough.
He doesn't think twice about it as he slides into bed right beside her, pulling her close to him as he does so. He won't let her go, not tonight, not ever again, and she needs to be held right now.
As he notices her breathing evening out he gently puts a hand on her stomach. He still can't quite fathom that there's a life growing inside of her. His mind is buzzing with questions, but they'll have to wait until tomorrow.
Right now, all he can do is sleep.
AN; So I'm spawning fanfics like crazy right now... don't get too used to it cause there will come an end to my muse. I still have a couple of ideas left, plus this story will get a follow up chapter, and I'm open to any suggestions my readers have.
Thanks everyone who reviewed my last two stories, it really means a lot to know that you like what I wrote, and it certainly helps to stay motivated.
Hope you enjoyed this! Xx