(A/N)
yo! this is my first deh fic and i've been working on it for seven months bc i really wanted to complete it. but life happened and i haven't worked on it since school started so i figured i'd post the first chapter and see if it'll motivate me to keep writing it when i have my rare free time. what i have written has been super fun and i hope it sits well with yall since it's definitely the longest fic i've ever written. i really hope yall enjoy this! disclaimer: this chapter was written in april. i may edit it at some point so it doesn't suck as much as it possibly does right now.
I mean, face it: would anybody even notice if I disappeared tomorrow?
Sincerely, your best and most dearest friend,
Me.
Evan sighed as he finished typing his letter. So much for writing a letter that would actually make Dr. Sherman happy. But he couldn't lie about how he felt, couldn't fake being happy. He couldn't see any reason for any day in the near future to actually be a good day.
That was what Dr. Sherman was supposed to change. It was what all of the therapists Evan had had in the past few years were supposed to do. Therapy session after therapy session, however, all Evan saw was endless spending of Heidi's money and worsening anxiety and depression. No techniques had worked, that was obvious in his typical school day: not talking in classes, enduring Jared's snarky comments, and eating lunch alone. He could barely focus in Spanish, too worried about having to answer questions or present to even think about grammar. He honestly felt sick to his stomach when he even thought about speaking in class, and had been doing his nervous tick of pulling at his shirt nearly the whole school day from his nerves. Not to mention the fear of other students, and what they thought about him, and what he thought about himself.
Sometimes Evan wished he had broken more than his arm.
He hit print and leant back in his chair, knowing that the slow school printer wouldn't print immediately, and that going over to wait for his paper to print would look weird. No matter if he was alone in the computer lab, he would still feel awkward about it. Was therapy even working if he was so worried about the assignments? The only good part of his day had been the fact that no one had paid him any attention after the incident with Jared and Connor, and Evan was sure that Dr. Sherman wouldn't consider that in the same positive light.
The worst part was that he couldn't even be himself. Evan had a huge secret, one not even Heidi knew — he was bi. He hadn't realized until junior year when he noticed himself looking at his male peers as much as the females. He had never told anyone, terrified of giving the other students another reason to pay attention to and tease him. Even if he did come out, who would he tell? Heidi? Jared? Heidi barely knew him as was, and Jared would be unbearable. He'd probably end up spreading it to the whole school as well. No, Evan couldn't tell anyone.
"So," A voice suddenly rang out from behind Evan, making him jump and turn around to see Connor. The other teen seemed less angry than before, but still put Evan on edge. "What happened to your arm?"
"Oh, I, um, I fell out of a tree, actually," Evan's face flushed. Jared was right, it sounded stupid. The story probably made Connor think Evan was childish.
"You fell out of a tree?" Connor let out a laugh, though Evan couldn't tell if it was in disbelief or something else. "That is just the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard. Oh my god."
"I know," Evan looked down at his feet and tried to laugh along. He wasn't really in the mood to have a conversation and needed to catch the bus, but what if Connor thought he was being rude?
"No one's signed your cast," Connor noticed, with what Evan thought could possibly be a hint of concern. No, probably just confusion at why he didn't have any friends like someone normal.
"No, I know," Evan replied, twiddling his fingers at the hem of his shirt.
"I'll sign it," Connor said, surprising Evan. Why would the loner stoner even care that Evan broke his arm?
"Oh," Evan responded. "Um...you don't have to."
"Do you have a Sharpie?" Connor asked, glancing over Evan's computer space.
Evan paused for a moment before slowly pulling out the Sharpie Heidi had given him that morning and handing it to Connor. He didn't really know why Connor wanted to sign it, but he couldn't just say no. Then Connor might think Evan was weird, just like everyone else, and he would be the weird kid that not even the stoner would talk to.
Connor grabbed the Sharpie and began to sign his name. A frown crossed Evan's face when the other boy finished writing — the name spanned the entire length of the cast, making it super noticeable, which meant everyone would see it, which meant everyone would think he was a stoner.
"Oh, great, thanks," Evan took back the sharpie and shoved it in his pocket.
"Now we can both pretend that we have friends," Connor said in a slightly cynical tone, although there seemed to be a touch of meaning there.
"Good point," Maybe everyone noticing the signature on Evan's cast wouldn't be so bad after all. Even with the whole Connor being a stoner so maybe other people would think Evan was a stoner worrying he had considered, he had never wanted anything more desperately than a friend (a real one, not a "family friend"). Maybe Connor understood Evan more than he thought.
Evan had turned away to walk towards the printer when Connor interrupted his action again.
"Is this yours?" Connor said, holding out a piece of paper. "I found it on the printer. 'Dear Evan Hansen'. That's your name, right?"
Evan felt a surge of fear flow through him. "Oh, that's just a stupid, it's a paper I had to write for a, um, for an assignment..."
He watched hopelessly as Connor's eyes skimmed the letter, coming to a stop around the middle as Evan's heart sank. He knew what was written there.
"'Because there's Zoe'," Connor read aloud slowly, turning his gaze back to Evan. "Is this about my sister?"
"No," Evan immediately shook his head, eyeing Connor's shifting countenance. The sarcastic, joking manner had disappeared. "Not at all."
"You wrote this because you knew that I would find it," Connor's voice hardened as he glared at Evan. Evan barely noticed himself backing away from the other boy, the angry tone jarring him.
"What?" Evan's eyes widened at the accusation. Why would he even do such a thing? Anyone would be crazy to try to anger Connor on purpose. Evan didn't even want to do it accidentally, like Jared had — though Jared may have done that on purpose, Evan knew as well as anyone what a jerk his "family friend" could be.
"You saw that I was the only other person in the computer lab, so you wrote this and you printed it out, so that I would find it," Connor continued, looking angrier by the second.
"Why would I do that?" Evan exclaimed. He knew that Connor was temperamental, but he couldn't believe the ideas pouring out of the other boy's mouth. How did Connor even think of these explanations for what had happened?
"So I would read some creepy shit you wrote about my sister, and freak out, right?" Connor's voice raised. "And then you can tell everyone that I'm crazy, right? Fuck you."
Connor began to storm out of the computer lab, striding quickly away, his movements stiff and face red.
"Wait!" Evan's face fell and, shocking himself, he ran forward to stop Connor from leaving. "If anyone's crazy, it's me, please give that back, I need it."
"Why would you need some creepy letter to yourself?" Connor turned around with a scowl on his face. Evan took a couple steps back, his surge of confidence quickly receding.
"It's not a letter to myself — well, it is, but it's just a therapy assignment," Evan struggled to keep his gaze up, but he saw Connor beginning to calm down a bit. Was that a glint of understanding in his eyes? "My therapist said to, um, write about why each day is going to be a good day? And today really wasn't great, and so I wrote that, and, well, Dr. Sherman might not like it, but, um, I have to take it to my appointment, so..."
"Why did you mention Zoe?" Connor's face visibly softened, though Evan wasn't quite sure why.
"I don't know," Evan admitted. He used to think he had a crush on Zoe, actually, but realized he had never talked to her and decided he just wanted to be friends with her one day if he could. "I guess, she's just a really positive person? Yeah, she seems really nice and she's super talented in jazz band and I sorta look up to her. I wish I could, uh, I could be normal like her."
"Trust me, she's not normal," Connor chuckled darkly, a hint of real humor escaping along with it. "She can be kind of a bitch, but, um...sorry, I overreacted."
"It's okay," Evan quickly replied. He couldn't let Connor feel guilty about finding some weird kid's therapy assignment and getting offended. It's not like the letter made Evan seem any more normal.
"No, it's not," Connor frowned and ran his fingers through his hair, suddenly looking pained. "I, um, I need to go. Here."
Connor handed back the letter and sped around and out of the computer lab, leaving Evan alone.
Evan sighed as he picked up his things, not really looking forward to a crowded bus ride to his appointment.
Evan had been waiting at the bus stop for ten minutes. He knew that the three o'clock bus wouldn't come for another ten minutes, but found himself itching to get away from the terminal filled with strangers. Many of them were other students, although that didn't exactly help — really, it just made him more anxious.
"Hey, José," Zoe had just approached Evan, with a joking tone and a soft smile on her face. "I just wanted to make sure you were really alright? Connor can be an asshole, he hasn't been bothering you, has he?"
"Yeah," Evan stood, transfixed. Not only was someone talking to him nicely, but it was Zoe, and it wasn't even the obligatory "sorry about my brother" because she had already done that earlier. And she had gone along with the whole "José" thing, so maybe she didn't think he was super weird. "I mean no! No, uh, it was just an accident this morning, I'm really fine."
"Are you sure?" Zoe let a frown slip onto her face, her eyebrows furrowing. "You're awfully quiet and nervous all the time."
"Oh, that's, um, that's just my, um..." Evan trailed off, shocked that Zoe had noticed him and maybe even his anxiety. As a medical problem, that is, not just something to laugh at.
"Hey, if you need someone to talk to, I'm happy to help," Zoe's lips turned slightly upward. Her head tilted as she waited for his response.
"Oh! Um, thanks..." Evan scratched the back of his head nervously before putting his hands back in his pockets. "I don't know, I guess I just don't really feel like I fit in? It's hard, um, you know, for me to talk to people, and I, uh, am scared? Yeah, I feel like everyone hates me, and that if they really knew me it would be even worse, and, oh my god, why I am I telling you all of this, and now I'm rambling, and I'm sorry, I'll stop talking now."
Evan turned red and stared at his shoes. He couldn't believe that he had just spilled more of his thoughts to Zoe, who he had only talked to for the first time today, than he had to Dr. Sherman. Even worse, they were his darkest thoughts, ones that would just make Zoe think he was an anxious mess. Evan was an anxious mess, but that was besides the point — Zoe's first impression of him wasn't great, and he had just made it even worse and more embarrassing.
"Hey," Zoe placed an arm on Evan's shoulder, making him look up. She seemed to have just had a good idea, for a smile graced her features despite everything Evan had just said. "Not everyone hates you, okay? I think you're funny. And everyone's weird, don't worry about being 'normal'. Actually, I think there's someone at this school who has, um...a similar mindset as you. I know who runs the school Tumblr, and they told me about the most recent post. Someone admitted some similar stuff, I think. Try to get in contact with them, yeah? Also, I'll give you my number, because we're definitely going to be friends from now on. Do you have a Sharpie?"
Evan grinned back and pulled out the Sharpie, watching contentedly as Zoe signed her name as big as Connor had, except on the other side. She then wrote her number smaller on the cast and ended it with a smiley face.
At that very moment, the bus arrived, and Evan started moving towards it when he realized Zoe wasn't getting on.
"I'm late to jazz band, sorry, I gotta go, Evan," Zoe called out as he climbed in. "Talk to you later!"
Evan couldn't help but feel giddy as he sat down. Zoe had been running late for jazz band, but had stopped to talk to him because she was worried. Suddenly the multitude of strangers on the bus didn't seem quite so bad, because he had just made a friend, and it was Zoe.
Maybe things could get better.
Evan arrived at Dr. Sherman's office minutes before his appointment. He quickly went to sign in at the front desk.
"Evan Hansen," He mumbled, although thankfully the receptionist was familiar with him and didn't ask him to repeat himself.
The woman nodded in acknowledgement and indicated that he was good to sit down and wait. Evan rushed over to sit in his favorite chair next to the fish tank, where no one could sit beside him.
He had barely waited a minute before being called, having barely made his appointment. He took a deep breath and entered Dr. Sherman's main office room.
"Evan, it's good to see you," Dr. Sherman greeted, smiling at him. "Come, sit down, and let's get started. We only have half an hour today."
Evan sat down carefully on the couch across from the doctor's arm chair, letting the blue hues of the walls and decorations relax him. The bus and waiting room had ebbed away at the contentment and calm Zoe had brought him, but at least this room helped pull some of it back.
"Do you have your letter?" Dr. Sherman asked with her hand already outstretched. Evan dug the letter out of his backpack and handed it to her, watching her read it. He had known how she'd react when he wrote it, but it was so much worse to actually see how her expression darkened as she got farther into his thoughts. "Evan...I think we need to talk about this. How were you feeling when you wrote it? Did anything unusual happen today, or is this how all of your letters have been?"
"Well, um, this boy was a bit mean today," Evan sputtered, trying to move on quickly. "But he apologized! Um, that was after I wrote this...then I was waiting for the bus, and I made a friend! Zoe came and talked to me and gave me her number! Also she told me about someone who was similar to me that I can try to email later. I was actually thinking, uh, maybe I could write my letters to that person instead?"
"Oh, wow, Evan, that's great," Dr. Sherman seemed pleased. "I would like you to tell me how it goes with this mystery person and with Zoe, but I'll still need you to keep writing these letters for me, okay? I need to know how you're doing. Can you tell me a bit more about today's letter, and maybe a bit more about what exactly happened today?"
The half hour was soon filled with Evan's babbling about how he had been feeling. Somehow blurting it all out to Zoe had made it much easier to talk to Dr. Sherman about it. He knew that this positive high would soon go away, and he would probably go back to feeling unimportant and lonely tomorrow, but he also knew that he had one friend and another possible one.
Evan now knew that he had hope. So he walked out of therapy with a smile on his face for the first time in years, and headed home.