~*~
Felicity Shadwell, like her male counterparts, lived under an assumed name with a human roommate. As Shadowmon, kitten companion to Digidestined Nicki, the femme fatale had to keep a low profile unless she wanted evil ninjas sent by Dr. Evil to burst in at all ends of the night.
"I didn't eat your ice cream! You ate it all last night after your four hour phone conversation with Lia!" the black-and-blue fuzzball retorted.
"Oh. Right."
It was then that the Austin Powers theme started playing from some unknown source…a very tinny version of the song.
"Shad, what is that?"
"Huh? I…have the TV on. Do you mind?"
The human shrugged and went off to watch her own mindless drivel, letting the digimon fish a cell phone out of the couch cushions.
"Hallo, Felicity. This is Izzy Exposition with DOPE."
A/N: DOPE, if you don't remember, is the acronym for Digimon Organized Protection Establishment.
"Right. What's the dilly-o, Izzy?"
"Hurry down to headquarters and I'll fill you in. Your partners will be along shortly."
"You got it."
The kitten jumped into a closet and came out wearing her spy gear…a velvet jumpsuit, a wide belt with gun holster, and a silver necklace.
"Nicki, I'm going to save the world! I'll be back later!"
"Uh-huh, sure, whatever," the teenager mumbled, oblivious and not clued in.
~*~
"Go fish."
Austin Veemon and Gomamon Powers were in their Shag Pad, able to escape their human roomies with some cheap excuse involving Gabumon and ice cream. Hey, Joe and Davis are fairly gullible…at least, Davis is.
Just then the Austin Powers videophone started ringing.
"Hallo, boys!"
"Hey Izzy," they said somberly, dealing another hand of Go Fish.
"I have wonderful news! Well, it's not wonderful because everything that we stand for is in jeopardy but it's wonderful because you have an assignment and…"
"Where and when, Izzy?" Gomamon questioned, already changing into his crushed velvet suit.
"ASAP, and at the headquarters. Miss Shadwell is on her way now."
"We'll shee you there, Bossh," Veemon added.
"We can shtop making cameosh in other fanficsh and shtuff."
"I wonder what the problem is this time. I'll bet it's Dr. Evil as usual, baby."
~*~
…well if I told you now, you wouldn't be surprised, now would you?
The evil villain was hiding out in Piedmon's old observatory hideout, the one with the trapeze and the magic rope and stuff. And they were drinking out of Piedmon's martini glasses too. Yes, they were getting cozy and cooking up a plan to take over the world and possibly the Digital World as well.
"How about we put poison in the world's chocolate supply? And all the little children and the fat people will be poisoned unless I'm paid a gross amount of money?"
"Um, verily, my dear Employer, what about people that don't care for chocolate? Or diabetics? Or third-world countries where they can hardly get bread let alone chocolate?" the desperado's right-hand lackey questioned.
"You're right! Blast! Okay, what if we hypnotize people by using high-frequency sound waves and a copy of a number-one selling boy band's CD?"
"Not everyone likes boy bands. Especially not them."
"Then…how about we set up a *air quotes* laser on a satellite that will blow up TV stations one by one until there is no TV anywhere?"
"I like it! You are a genius, Fearless Leader!"
~*~
"Mini-Me, shoot that freaking ball at that freaking goal and freaking score!"
Number Two and Frau sat close by, bored beyond all mortal comprehension.
"I hate zees sports events," Frau muttered.
"I could be practicing now, but no, you just had to write a sequel. You just had to listen to Nicki," Number Two hissed.
"Oh, give it a rest, Yamato."
"I don't care if he's your boyfriend, Mini-Me! Throw me a freaking bone and tackle the damn genius!"
Yes, Davis is playing Ken's soccer team again and refuses to do bodily harm to the 02 bishounen. Tai is ready to strangle the boy…Matt and Lia could really care less.
"If you don't shoot, Mini-Me, I'll shoot him! Now move your freaking feet!"
~*~
"I'll need to see some ID, please. This is a restricted area."
Veemon rolled his eyes. "Cody, it'sh ush, the Aushtin Powersh, um, are we a trio, Gomer, even if Shad hashn't shown yet?"
"I guess."
"The Aushtin Powersh Trio!"
Cody, wearing one of those khaki security guard uniforms and a hat ten sizes too big, shook his head. "I don't care if you're Azulongmon, you don't get in without ID."
Shadowmon minced in through the automatic door, holding up a laminated card.
"Go right in, Miss Shadwell."
"Shad! Cody won't let us in cuz our ID's are in our other blooming trousers! Wanna give me a hand, baby?" Gomamon questioned.
"Huh? Oh, hi Gomie. I'll see you downstairs in a few minutes."
"Shad!!"
"Gomamon, why don't we ashk the author for help? It'sh her fault we're shtuck in thish gag."
"Blimey, nice work, Austin! Lia, jump us to the next scene, lovey! Please?"
And what's in it for me?
"We'll shtop videotaping you when you're making out with Matt and shelling it ash porn," Veemon suggested.
All ri…hey!
"Gotta run! Ta-ta!"
~*~
"Yo, Izzy! Where the hell are you? I didn't come all this way for nothing, ya know!"
The rest of the Trio scampered in, fearing that they had incurred the wrath of the author. Izzy poked his head out from under the desk.
"Oh, hallo everyone."
"What were you doing under the desk?" Gomamon questioned.
"Um, nevermind, Mr. Powers. What's important is that there is a new villain trying to take over the world…Dr. Evil is busy today, so he won't be bothering you. We're not sure who it is threatening the two worlds, but it's not good. We're not even sure what they plan on doing, but I know that I can count on the Austin Powers Trio to stop them."
"Right. Sho…any new gadgetsh for ush?"
"I'm afraid not, Mr. Veemon. The Batpig cast borrowed them all in an attempt to blow up the vigilantes assuming their position."
"Damn Patamon. If he pops up in this fanfic I'll tear his flappy ears right off his head," Shad grumbled.
"Well, good luck, all!"
The Trio walked out of the office, feeling somewhat ripped off.
"Did it sheem like he wash trying to get rid of ush?"
Back in the office, Nicki (also under the desk at the time) grabbed Izzy by the tie and pulled him back down.
"Next time, lock the door."
~*~
"Boss, the Austin Powers Trio has been sent out to foil our plans. Shall we execute plan 397 A?"
"Why not? Where's Ken?"
"Um…soccer game, beating the shit out of Dr. Evil's Mini-Me."
"And Wormmon?"
"At the soccer game, laughing as Ken beats the shit out of Dr. Evil's Mini-Me."
"Well, can't we get them?"
"Yes, but he won't be happy, you know."
"Oh, when is Ken ever happy, hmmm? He's about as depressed as they come…except for maybe Matt."
"I'll see if I can fetch them, Boss."
"You do that."
~*~
"Whoa, why are you stopping, Vee, baby? The roads are clear for miles!"
"There'sh a road block up ahead, Gomamon. We can't drive through."
"Sure we can!" Shadowmon cried. "Just plough through and let the humans deal with it. I'd like to see the look on Nicki's face when she gets that bill. Heheh!"
"Yeah, but Ken ish shtanding next to the road block. Davish will kill me if I run him over."
"Oh, well, it's Ken, so yeah, we'll wait or something," Shad replied. "We can't run Ken down! Everybody loves Ken!"
The boy genius strolled over to the Shagmobile, still dressed in his soccer uniform.
"That's us, baby!" Gomamon cried enthusiastically.
"My orders are to destroy you."
"WHAT?!" the shagadelic agents gasped.
"Kenny! Shnap out of it! It'sh ush! Your lovable palsh?"
Ken blinked, then got that creepy look he had when he was evil. You know, when the shiny spots in his eyes are gone. Like what happened to Matt and Sora in the cave.
"My boss wants you dead, and dead you will be, you worthless little rodents!"
"I'm not a rodent, I'm a kitty!" Shadowmon retorted. "Psyflare!"
Ken was knocked backward by a flash of blue light as Shadowmon turned towards the audience.
"See? We're not stupid like Batpig. We actually use the pitiful attacks we have…but we don't digivolve either. Only because we wouldn't fit into our suits anymore, ya know."
"Marching…wait a minute, what good would that do, baby? My attack is a bunch of blooming fish!"
Veemon sat on Ken, just to keep him from moving.
"So…you want to explain what's going on here, Kenny-Boy?" Shad inquired.
"Let me go! Let me go!"
"Gomie, will you hand me the car phone? I've got an idea."
"Sure thing, Shad."
The kitten psychically handed Veemon the phone. "Call yer owner, get him down here, he can talk some sense into the Boy Wonder."
Veemon nodded and dialed, being the only one with thumbs. "Hey, Davish? Um, we're here on the shide of the road with Ken, and he'sh trying to kill ush? Can you, like, help?"
Two seconds later Davish…I mean, Davis…was standing there, panting heavily.
"Hey, baby, Mini-Me isn't supposed to talk! Oh behave!"
"I'm off the clock, Gomamon. Besides, this is a matter of Ken-ness."
After a few minutes of Davis and Ken discussion, the former Emperor walked over to the Trio, who had started up a game of Uno.
"Grrr! I hate when you change the color and I only have one card and it's not that color!"
"Um, guys?"
The gang looked up. "Oh, hi Ken."
"My boss (who's still anonymous) is planning on world domination. Don't you need to spring into action?"
"Yeah, but only when we find out what they're doing," Gomamon stated nonchalantly.
"They're going to blow up TV stations until there's no TV left in the world."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the television-loving digimon howled.
"They're starting with the Odaiba TV Station. You better hurry!"
"Thanksh, Ken. Shee you guysh later! Trio, away!"
~*~
"What the hell are you?" he cried, going under his desk for his shotgun.
"We're the Austin Powers Trio!" they cried, posing as glitter rained down from some unknown source and a fanfare chimed.
Shadwell hopped up onto his desk. "Specifically, I'm the digimon of your son's mortal enemy!"
Ishida blinked. "Oh, so you belong to that girl that keeps sending Matt cherry bombs in the mail."
"Do they blow up in his face?"
"Yup."
"Good, Nicki will be proud."
"Shadwell, we can discuss things exploding in Matt's face later, baby. Mr. Ishida, some evil villain's going to blow up this TV station, baby, and you have to get everyone out or it'll be a bloody mess," Gomamon Powers stated.
"Not the ghost, not the ghost, not the ghost!" Masaharu/Malcolm whimpered.
No, not the ghost, O Happy Little Buffalo.
"Greetings, couch potatoes. You will be overjoyed in knowing that I have decided to take over this miserable planet."
The Trio stared at the villain on the screen in shock. "Yolei?!"
"No! Not Yolei! Never Yolei! I am Miyako, Queen Bitch of Fanfiction!"
"That'sh for shure," Austin Veemon muttered.
"Unless I am given double the amount of money Bill Gates has right now, I will blow up every single television station on the planet, so there will be no TV anywhere! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Charlie, Jeremiah, the guy with the hat, and the lady from 01 all burst into the office.
"Sir, there's a *air quotes* laser pointed right at the station! What do we do?"
"Get my sons! They can stop this bitch!"
"Well, then we need to find her and shtop her, fasht. But where do we shtart?"
An electric eel appeared over Gomamon's head, lighting up. "I've got an idea, baby."
~*~
"Let us go, you little maggots!"
"I'm going to kill you, all of you!"
"Chill, babes. We're only here for answers. Where is Miyako hiding out, baby? We have to stop her from blowing up the bloody TV station, crikey!"
"And what makes you think we know?" came the retort.
Shadwell rolled her eyes. "Duh, you write the fanfics!"
Number Two somehow managed to break the door down…and break his shoulder.
"She's hiding out in Piedmon's old observatory base. But I'm warning you three, don't even think about trying to stop her on your own. She's insane! I can't even control her!"
"Thish ish our fight, Lia. We'll shtop her, no matter what. She won't get our televishion."
~*~
"All right, Trio. Behind those doors lies the greatest evil since…Dr. Evil! We need to stop that square bitch from taking TV away from the world. Can you do it?"
"You bet, Gomer!" the others chimed.
Veemon popped the trunk, ran around to the rear of the vehicle, and tossed whatever heavy artillery out of the trunk. Grenades, machine guns, weapons resembling Men in Black knockoffs, and the occasional rubber duck went flying.
"I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am the missing sock eaten by the dryer! I am Batpig!"
"And Batpig Girl!"
"And the Dead Wonder."
Shadwell bared her fangs. "Get out of our fanfic, you fuzzy orange son-of-a-bitch!"
"Sorry, we got stuck in a layover from Detroit. Superhero convention, you know. And then there was the problem of Misty attacking Gotham."
Batpig Girl shook out her utility belt. "Oh, and here's the stuff we borrowed from Izzy Exposition. You've got your *air quotes* laser pen, walkie-talkies, cans of mace, fishing wire, mojo extractor, wire cutters, bullets, concealable weapons, pole wax…oops, that's ours…and this Swedish-made *ahem* let's just skip that one."
Austin Veemon pulled out a martini shaker and a couple glasses. "Paushe for a drink?"
Wizardmon shrugged. "Eh, why not? It's not like that bitch up there is doing anything you three should be concerned with right now."
"So…" Gomamon said casually. "How's that Alliance problem coming?"
"DON'T MENTION THEM!!" Batpig hollered.
Batpig Girl leaned over and whispered to Shadwell. "They saved his life again and accidentally blew up the box of raspberries he's been dating for the past two weeks."
"Ah."
~*~
"Hawkmon!"
"Yes, Boss?"
Miyako grinned viciously. "Did you put Ken back into the kennel?"
"Indubitably, Boss. Would you like me to fetch him for you?"
"No, Hawkmon. But get me that rubber squeaky steak."
The fiendish lavender-haired nightmare hurried down to the basement, where a chicken-wire kennel sat in the corner. Ken was sitting on the floor in the kennel, eyeing a dog dish of Alpo with disgust.
"Who's the cutest genius in the whole wide world?" Miyako cooed.
"IZZY!!!" Nicki hollered from offstage.
Do you mind? We're in the middle of the fanfic!
"Yolei, get me out of this kennel right now. I have judo practice, and then Davis and I are double-dating with Mimi and Joe tonight."
"How many times must I tell you? IT'S MIYAKO! And you're not going anywhere because you're MINE! I have the marriage certificate from the future to prove it!"
Ken laughed. "That thing means absolutely nothing in this fanfic universe. So ha!"
"Hawkmon!"
"Yes, Milady Miyako, whom I shall vanquish any foe for because I am forever your loyal companion?"
"Fifty lashes with a wet noodle for the Ichijouji. I have to prepare for our guests, and see if the UN has decided to meet my demands."
"Righty-o!"
~*~
Or as Lia's absolutely irritating cousin Rebecca said,
"It's a moonwalk!"
Eventually they made it to the trapeze room. However, it wasn't a gorge underneath.
"Oh my Kami-sama! It's scarier than I could ever imagine! Gomie, save me!" Shadwell cried.
Below the trapeze were a quarter of a million shrieking, rabid fangirls with the intention of Bishy-Glomping. The horror, the horror!
"If we fall, they'll totally shag us to death!" Powers cried. He glanced at Veemon.
"YEAH, BABY!"
Felicity Shadwell rolled her eyes. "Hold onto something, baby, we're taking the easy way out."
Shad tried to port them across, but found to the Trio's dismay that she was low on energy.
"Somebody get me a freaking Pixy Stick!"
"We'll be shwingersh, baby, yeah!"
Of course, halfway across the ravine the suction cup fell off the wall, being made of the cheap plastic all suction cup darts are made of. The Trio fell, but Gomamon managed to grab the trapeze by his teeth.
"Mmph gmph mmf umph mf?"
"What'd you say, Gomie?"
Gomamon opened his mouth. "I said, you think you can swing us to the other si…oh shit."
The violet-haired adolescent glared at them through her gigantic glasses.
"We're the Austin Powers Trio! Protecting the Earth from
square bitches like you, Yolei!"
"IT'S MIYAKO!"
She hit a couple buttons, activating her *air quotes* laser.
"Hawkmon, get them!"
"Right! Beak Buzzsaw!" Nothing happened.
"I mean, Hawk Beam!" Again, nothing happened.
"Feather Strike!" Still nothing.
"Damn you dubbers!"
"Marching Fishes!"
"Vee Head Butt!"
"Psyflare!"
With the power of attacks not fiddled with by the evils of N**** and B*******, the APT was able to render Hawkmon incapacitated. Specifically, on the ground with little swirls for eyes.
Miyako/Yolei smirked. "Or else what?"
"Or elshe," Veemon said slowly, "or elshe Lia writesh a lemon shtarring you and Black Wargreymon. It'sh been done before with T.K."
"Hmph. You think I'm intimidated by that? Not a chance. Besides, Lia couldn't write a lemon if her life depended on it."
Sad, but true. Hentai is not my forte. Just stupidity.
And thus ends another stint into my insanity.
Which seems to have no limits.
You are correct, bishounen. Nicki…are you ever going to help me? I'm still drawing a blank here. I haven't come up with a single way to torture…
Torture who?
*Eep* Nobody. Send some reviews, send some love, Nicki, you better send me that fanfic before I send you to the moon! With Yolei!