I own no Ben 10 characters. I sometimes wish I did, because I would be filthy stinking rich. But sadly I don't, and am not.
Ben wandered aimlessly in Bellwood, along with two of his long term pals, cousin Gwen and friend-turned-occasional-frienemy, Kevin E. Levin.
"I am not speaking like a regular human boy, but more like a Shakespearean robot," Ben stated. "Feel free to imagine me vocalizing in a disturbing accompanying monotone. He moved his arms and legs stiffly while marching in a straight line. Never once did he allow his attention to divert from the oncoming Mr. Smoothy restaurant. "I wish to obtain delicious smoothies. Beep, boop. I mean, I am a normal human child. The author simply does not understand how to do fluid and semi-realistic dialogue. Perhaps it is they who are the robot."
"Shut up with your weirdness, Ben, or I'll fuck you in the ass until you cry," said Kevin Levin.
Gwen's face became red as a tomato for no apparent reason.
Suddenly a wild Doctor Animo appeared!
"I'm not Doctor Animo," said Doctor Animo. He was very much conspicuous with his exposed brain, jutting head receptor control dealies, sickly green skin, long claws, sharp yellow teeth, and perpetual red goggles. "Ignore that narration."
He quickly finished putting on his disguise. It consisted of a long overcoat, hat, sunglasses, fake beard and mustache combo, and a wide brimmed hat. The hat had holes conveniently cut to allow his control rod receptor dealies to stick out.
"My name is Doctor Poorlythoughtup Fakename. I am here to warn the children of Bellwood about an outbreak of not fake rabies disease. It only affects the youth. Teenagers, specifically. Like you three!" He pulled out a syringe from his pocket. "Allow me to inoculate you three children before you contract this terrible and widely spreading disease that you've probably never heard about until right this moment."
"You're right," Gwen said. "I haven't heard anything about this terrible and widely spreading disease and I have the internet on my phone right here."
"Who cares?" said Kevin. "Free drugs!" He rolled up his sleeve.
"I feel as though I should be heavily suspicious," Ben spoke his thoughts aloud. "And yet I am not due to bad characterization and contrived plotting." He shrugged. "Oh well! Sure, we will take the free inoculations of some unknown drug for some random disease we've never heard of until right now and the internet based newslines suspiciously do not have any info about."
"Surprise, bitches! I AM Doctor Animo, but I lied!" Doctor Animo threw off his disguise. He smiled widely. He then noticed the offended looks on his enemies faces. "Oh, right. I should have injected you before throwing off my disguise and thereby revealing my true villainous nature. My bad."
He ran into the alley while the trio of teens followed.
"I'll kick the shit out of you, Animo!" Ben yelled. "You're such a stupid, pathetic reoccurring character, I hope they exclude you from the rumored reboot! No one will miss you!"
"I know TWO people who will sincerely cry their eyes out over me not being in the rumored reboot and it's not due to fetish based reasons," Doctor Animo asserted. "They FUCKING LOVE me! I wish they and their friends would write more fanfiction about me that isn't obnoxious parody of existing badfics, but no one wants to waste the effort on it because it's the Pit of Voles. So FUCK YOU, BEN TENNYSON! Now, prepare to die!"
A shadow loomed. It came out of the alley while the hero teens backed up, looking shocked. Doctor Animo sat on some sort of chimera creature. It was part frog, part parakeet, part gerbil, part snake, and part bat.
"I am going to kill you a lot, Ben Tennyson and friends!" Doctor Animo declared. "I was going to sedate you for capture, so I could eventually tie you up and feed you to my newest pet, this DNA Chimera. But instead I shall enjoy your screams of pain and suffering as the beast devours you piece by piece! There's going to be so much blood and viscera, ha ha HA!"
"Whoa, whoa, hold on here," said a voice from off screen. The Network Censor appeared. She waved her clipboard angrily while clutching her cross. "You can't talk like this on a kid's show. That is way too disturbing and violent for the intended marketing target demographic to be watching!"
Kevin glared suspiciously. "Who are you, lady?"
"I'm the Network Censor. The narration just told you that, greasy haired young man. You should pay more attention. And don't think I didn't hear that previous encouragement for taking drugs! I'm going to have to cut that out of the script. You'll need to do a retake of this entire scene," she instructed.
Gwen looked impossibly confused."But...This is fanfiction," she said. "You have no power here.
"I beg your pardon, young lady?" the Network Censor said, appearing most scandalized.
"No, she's right," said Kevin. "Stories can be far above what was rated on TV. That's why me and Ben are always fucking, and Gwen and Ben are always fucking, and Gwen and Ben and Grandpa Max are always fucking, and Ben and Rook are always fucking, and Ben and Albedo are always fucking, and Ben and Vilgax are always fucking, and Ben and me and Gwen and Vilgax are sometimes fucking, and Ben and random Mary Sues are always fucking.
"And sometimes me and Hex and Charmcaster are sometimes fucking," Gwen added. "And everyone else is always fucking! With little to absolutely no proper characterization, build up, respect for healthy, sane relationships over abuse and objectification, or any proper understanding of basic biological and sexual functions!"
"Or dying in some unintentionally hilarious and inappropriate way," Kevin continued "And we cry a lot. For no real reason. And blush. And act suspiciously like air-headed conservative leaning YA novel romance obsessed weeaboo teenage girls. Or adult women who have never seen a penis before in their life to know how it really works. Except in bad Japanese animated porno videos. Who also act suspiciously like the teenage girls described above, only with more egalitarian values. That are, ironically, very conservative at heart."
"Hey...why is it that I never get to fuck anyone?" Doctor Animo whined.
Ben picked up a beer bottle and threw it at his head. "DON'T EVER SAY THAT AGAIN!" he screamed.
"Well, excuse the fact that some people think I'm unconventionally attractive. Some people wish to know what my penis looks like and who I'd prefer to place it inside, if I felt like it. Or perhaps if I would want a penis placed inside myself. It's not my fault!" Doctor Animo yelled defiantly while rubbing the slight crack in his brain dome. His shoulders once again slumped. "I only wish they weren't mostly a bunch of intensely homophobic creepy religious gay fetishizing virgin sadist weeaboos who don't understand how romance nor sex actually works."
"Don't we all," Gwen said while rolling her eyes. "My fandom is literally composed of 50 year old men."
"Welcome to fandom, dude. It's made up of rabid weeaboos who fetishize you for a single body part, turn you into an empty shell for vicarious sexual gratification that they can bend and twist to their own liking, then throw you away once they get tired of you and go move on to the next person. We all get it. Some more than others. You're not special," said Kevin.
"Hey, be lucky you don't have tits and a vagina," Gwen groaned. She shook her head. She held her head like she had an intense migraine. Which she did. She was beginning to. "Then again, it's not so bad. At least I don't have to deal with the ultra exaggerated perpetually weepy emotional pain of the undignified and terribly generic seme-uke concepts. Just a shit ton of misogyny and the occasional bit of lesbian fetishization."
Ben threw another beer bottle at Doctor Animo. "I'M THE SEME, DAMN IT!"
"Ow!" Doctor Animo whimpered, rubbing a new crack in his brain dome. "I think I'm getting too much oxygen and air pollutants now." He began to look woozy. "Why did I think slicing off the top of my skull and replacing it with plexiglass was a good idea?"
"You're an insane freak," said Kevin.
"Or blame good ol' DJ Wyatt," Ben said. "He's the reason I look like Shaggy." He lifted his leg and pointed. "Look at these fucking bell bottoms!"
Doctor Animo frowned. He hunched with the crushing weight of fanfiction based indignity. "I really wish certain authors wouldn't go to such great lengths to turn me into a ridiculously modified cuddly fluffball of Leather Pants'd pitiable woobiness just so they can ship my hair, and by extension, my butthole, with somebody's penis."
"I feel you. I think they ship my hair and my massive pectorals with Ben's butthole," said Kevin. He flexed. "But they refuse to ship my chin. What's up with that?"
"It's called being shallow, Kevin," Gwen said.
Yes, indeed. Some self-declared TRUE FANS who claim to know everything about a show and its characters only get into that show for the sole purpose of shipping the hottest characters, or whomever they get a weird shut-in based deviantART fetish for, and no real other reason, are completely shallow. They can't be bothered to respect even the vaguest lingering piece of canon. But if you dare judge them or call them out on it, say, in the form of a hilarious and inevitably underappreciated piece of deconstruction slash reconstructive satire, they will go all inept social justice weeaboo on your ass and declare you an evil fandom bully instead of taking a few hundred steps back and a very good long look at themselves and their own fucking trail of lies and hypocrity. And then the narrator took another long, hard sip of booze to muster the will to continue standing up to the constant bullshit in the hopes that one day others would follow, and not be terrified into submission in the face of endless idiotic fandom wank caused by depraved weeaboo shippers who think they own things all to themselves.
Did you make the show? Did you? Do you own these characters? No? THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP and let other people enjoy things, you selfish assholes. No one has to conform to your idiotic OOC headcanons just because you get offended by the world not revolving around you.
"Harsh," Gwen muttered. "But truthful."
"Hey, quit reading the narration," Kevin said.
"I'M THE SEME!" Ben screamed. He threw himself on the ground. He began to tantrum. Or seizure. I'm not sure which to settle upon. "I...AM...THE...SEME!"
Meanwhile, during all this conversational dialogue, the Censor lady had been grasping at her heart while looking pale. "My sweet Jehovah! All those horrible things you've said! You evil children! And you weird, weird, creepy, gross looking, possibly perverted old man!" She lashed out her finger. "You're all getting censored!"
"No way! You can't censor fanfiction," Kevin declared.
"I can't," the Network Censor confirmed, "but my brother can!"
A man dressed in a similar Victorian prude fashion came out of the shadows. He also held a clipboard, upon which he was furiously writing notes.
"I am the Fanfiction Censor. I regulate which content is appropriate for online fanfiction websites. And this entire chain of fanfiction is most certainly NOT appropriate for Teens, nor Adults!" He raised his clipboard and waved it furiously. "Nothing is appropriate for anyone! In fact, this is some of the most disgusting, repulsive, crude, cruel, base, brutish, mindless, moronic, hedonistic, slanderous, heathenish, offensive, out of character drivel I have ever been exposed to in my LIFE!"
Gwen, Ben, Kevin, and Doctor Animo gasped in unison.
"Yeah...but...well...um," Ben began with a fair amount of uncertainty as to whether or not the story would be shut down forever, thus cutting off their ridiculous and comical adventures. "This is only a parody? It's not serious."
The Fanfiction Censor looked momentarily confused. He checked his notes. He looked back and forth. He looked at the teens, then at Doctor Animo. He checked his notes again. He looked at his sister. She looked at him. They stared. They both checked their clipboards. He looked back up while scratching his head.
"Oh! Well, then. That's fine. Carry on!"
The Network Censor and the Fanfiction Censor then jumped into each other's arms and began to make out.
"I've been waiting years to do this," cried the Network Censor. "Bang me hard up against the nearest wall, Frankie!"
"You bet I will, you filthy little slut!" cried the Fanfiction Censor. He carried his deliciously bangable sister over to the nearest wall.
"Uh. What happened here, exactly? Did we somehow even save the day?" Gwen asked while looking even more confused than ever.
"I'm going to say, yes. And it was me that saved the day," said Ben as he folded his arms and struck a cool pose. "I am the only one who gets to do that."
"Oh, whatever," Gwen groaned.
Kevin shrugged. "Fine by men. So...are we all going to fuck each other now?"
"What do you think?" Gwen asked. Her skirt and leggings were already off. So was Ben's stupid bell bottoms.
"Fanfiction rocks!" Kevin screamed. He was naked. He was always naked. You just didn't notice until it was pointed out right now. "I LOVE IT! It's the best!"
"Not for everybody," said Doctor Animo, pouting. He had been regulated to a section of the street that had a chalk circle with the words NO FUCK ZONE written on it. It was sectioned off with poles that had police DO NOT CROSS tape wrapped around it, effectively cutting him off from the fun sexy times with many erotic exchanges of bodily fluids. You could tell he was quite jealous. And horny. "I never get to have any slutty, inexplicable, biologically impossible fanfic based sex!" Another beer bottle hit him in the head. He fell down and passed out.
Fade to black whilst the raunchy porny mood music plays. In your head. Bow chicka wow-wow!
The End, or something akin to it, for now.