Disclaimer: Yes, I do, in fact, own both a Nick show and a play. I hope you guys don't mind~ Or, you know, kill me for the ending of Bare and the distinct lack of Kogan. I figured it must be done. Sorry, broskis.
Edit: Still editing sentences and paragraphs every now and then. Also a few word/comma mistakes I have the tendency to overlook. (Currently September 20, 2011) Nothing major, though.
have we come to the ending?
They're on the phone and Kendall is trying to convince Logan to join in on his 'brilliant idea' to go to Hollywood as a band because, Kendall, of course it's a brilliant idea, it's not like the only actual singer in our group is James, and, well, you, apparently, since that auditions, I mean, what's wrong if only half our group doesn't sing?
"Come on, Logie-bear," and Kendall actually does hear the eyebrow twitch from the other side of the phone, "what's the worst that could happen—"
"I could turn out to be a screeching banshee. Or worse, Carlos could."
"—I mean, my auditions went off without a hitch! It's not like I ever sang before, why can't you and Carlos end up like me?"
"Because Kendall, not everyone's instantly perfect like you," Logan replies exasperatedly and tiredly, "and we all know I can't dance, so what's the point? Gustavo said there'd be dancing, Kendall. I have two left feet and the coordination of an elephant on a toy car! Beat boxing is the closest thing I can do related to singing and that's not even close!"
But you do sing. You sing all the time in the showers and you join our school plays. It's not really dancing, but haven't you done that Broadway thing? I mean, yeah, you were part of the crew but it's not like you didn't do the choreo in our room or anything.
Kendall doesn't know where that comes from and he almost tells Logan all that and thank god, he didn't. Because when had Kendall ever caught Logan showering before? It wasn't like they had the same room, let alone live in the same house. And Logan never joined plays, it was always hockey, or some academic club not even for their grade level.
Kendall snaps out of it with a retort and Logan shoots back with something that sounds frustrated. The rest of the conversation is left uninterrupted with any more strange thoughts but, even still, Kendall is glad that they're on the phone because he had this bewildered look that doesn't quite leave until much, much later. Logan would've wondered what made Kendall looked so confused and possibly scared.
( In the end, Kendall manages to convince his best friend to go to LA with (him) them.)
or am I just dreaming?
Kendall sighs. The pressure of being in a band had finally become too much. He rubs his face, as if doing so could erase the tired lines from it and his smirk will come back. In the end, his frown only becomes bigger.
He hates this. The stress of band rehearsals, Big Time Rush taking most of his time, having to look fine no matter how much you're not, constantly thinking of the band and nothing else. He's never been the actor of the group but he's the leader, he has to lift everyone up, including himself.
He doesn't hear the door opening but he does hear the steps his roommate takes. Lock the door, echoes in his mind but he's learned to ignore it. They're Kendall, Logan, James and Carlos. They don't need privacy, they don't lock the doors of their rooms and they don't hide anything. That's just how it's always been.
Logan sits beside Kendall and his presence feels much heavier than he figures it should. He has to be perfect. He knows he's not, but he has to be as perfect as he can be. He knows James, and Carlos, and Katie, and Logan look up to him, and he can't put them all down. Especially not Logan.
But then Logan places his hand on his shoulder and he lets his guard slip away. The pressure is familiar, like a distant dream (a distant nightmare), and he knows he's safe. He doesn't know where the comfort comes from, but he accepts the feeling of nostalgia.
He figures his body visibly relaxes because Logan scoots closer to wrap his arm around Kendall. It shouldn't feel this wistful but in the presence of the brunette, he feels the most at ease.
(If anything, it almost feels like home.)
the music is gone now
When Kendall kisses Jo on the cheek, a flash of something appears in Logan's eyes. For a second, his eyes change. The sharpness of his eyes softens into something much kinder and the alert turns into something akin to paranoia. In that moment, the jealousy in Logan's eyes takes his breath away.
When he turns back to Jo, he blinks brown hair instead of blond. He remembers an Ivy, remembers a night that never happened, a baby that ruins everything, a confession he never wanted. He blinks a few more times and Jo is back, Logan is back. He smiles at his girlfriend, giving her a soft goodbye, and it's Logan and Kendall again.
Logan is there in front of him. It's his best friend, but no matter how much he tries to tell himself otherwise, Kendall's convinced it's not just that. Even though his eyes are back to normal, the jealousy still burns him. He needs to reassure the brunette it was nothing, it was all an act so no one would find out. But why should he? It wasn't an act. Kendall liked Jo and he was dating her. But he needed to show his best friend that Jo meant nothing because he always came first.
Logan smirks at him and there's something different about it. It seems forced, and he has to release a breath so he won't grab Logan's (notLogannotLogandefinitelynotLogan) hand and he gives him a shaky smile. Logan seems to be away and the boy doesn't notice the unease he feels.
When they head to the studio, Kendall suddenly latches unto Logan's forearm and Logan stops. It all feels awkward and Kendall's grip tightens.
Logan stares at his hand in tiny bafflement, but when he feels Kendall's hand squeeze, he relaxes and the not-Logan's eyes come back. He looks at their leader and his smiles tells him, it's fine. The constrictions in Kendall's chest loosen and he realizes he can finally breathe.
(He doesn't want to let go of the brunette but he has to, anyway.)
the silence is strange
"Oh my god!"
Kendall jolts up, his hair ruffled and the most ridiculous expression on his face. When he looks at the other bed, he sees Logan getting up from bed much more gracefully.
The door is slammed open and James enters in only his towel and Carlos follows in only his boxers, both looking more alert than the disturbed roommates. James is practically jumping up and down but at least his squealing hasn't reached an octave higher than what could've been considered male. Carlos just looks annoyed.
James shoves his laptop, which Kendall just now notices, to Logan's face and Logan, halfway up sitting, rolls his eyes and takes the laptop from the pretty boy.
"Shit, no way!" Logan jumps up, hair still so adorably mussed and refreshes the laptop. Again. And again. And, oh shit, just one more time.
"We're number 3 on the Billboard charts?"
The other half of the band jumps up and yanks the laptop away almost painfully. Logan even flinches away for half a second.
Kendall is grateful that the women of the apartment are away because if they didn't wake up to James' (and Logan's) screaming, then they'd be waking up to the four of them freaking out. There's a lot of screaming, and jumping, and hopefully, they don't get too much warnings for public disturbance.
They're acting like girls, Kendall muses, as James hugs everyone and gives Carlos a noogie, throwing him over his shoulder. Logan is laughing and, possibly soon, he'll be calling his parents because this is honestly real, they're going somewhere. He turns to Kendall and before they know it, Kendall is squeezing the air out of his friend. This is so much bigger than they are and they all know it's worth the stress and the pressure, knowing they have a chance to be on top.
Kendall's arms loosen around the small boy's shoulders but they stay there, and Kendall is transfixed at the bright, bright, bright smile on his face. He thinks he's never seen him so happy except, no, he has, when Logan found out he's at the top ten of their batch, but this one is so different. It's as if someone else besides Logan is smiling, but who else could it be? This is Logan, Logan, no one else. But a part of him wants to take a picture of the smile because he knows the not-Logan part of it had never really looked this happy and this is a special moment.
Logan laughs and buries his face on the space between Kendall's shoulder and neck and Kendall's heart skips a beat.
(Maybe it's time he talks to Jo.)
can you call back that moment
Kendall is snuggled between two cushions of their sofa, relishing the quiet he doesn't hear often. His feet are on the couch, his knees bent, and he flips the channel with the remote on his hand while the other is draped to reach behind the couch.
It's not ten minutes before the door opens and he sighs the peace away. "Hey, guys," he drops his head on the back of the couch and smirks at the trio with his left brow raised.
Carlos, who's sipping his drink, makes a sound and raises both his brows in greeting, James and Logan raising their own cups and responding much more clearly.
"Hey, man," Logan greets as he flops down beside Kendall, the blonde lamenting for the poor pillow squashed by Logan's white ass. "I know you said mango but I'm pretty sure you'd appreciate it if I asked for lemon. If not, you can just take my drink. I don't think I drank too much anyway." He shakes his drink as proof before handing Kendall a much fuller cup.
"Thanks, Loge." He doesn't think about it when he gives a one-armed hug, but when he releases Logan, he tenses up and sends a quick glance to the too-occupied duo at the foot of the couch.
He can see Logan looking at him curiously and he responds by quickly looking away and giving a long sip at his drink. He doesn't understand why he did that, but it seems that Logan does, because his eyes widen almost comically before turning to whatever-it-is that's on tv.
He can feel the disappointment rolling off his companion in waves and it almost suffocates him. He wants to hug Logan again, he wants to hug him with both his arms and bury his face in his hair. But he can't. He can't with his other friends here and possibly his mom and sister. He can't blow his cover and he can't let anyone know his secret.
He can't be separated from his best friend, because if they find out his feelings, they're going to take the boy away from him.
(Kendall is too far off in this torrential storm to realize that none of these thoughts make sense.)
on that day in september
Logan is lying on his stomach on Kendall's bed. A leg dangles off the mattress while the other is cushioned by Kendall's pillow. Logan's eyes are closed and his left hand is under his chin. The owner of said bed is sitting at the edge of the bed and really, Logan isn't that far away from Kendall's legs. The blonde smiles at him and he shifts a little in his place, a notebook and a pen forgotten on his lap.
"Nn." Logan's eyebrows scrunch up and his free hand rubs the side of his place before dropping just an inch away from Kendall's thigh. Kendall doesn't so much see it as he feels it. The tingles travel up his thigh to his spine and he looks down at the hand in almost awe.
His mind flashes to a time where a blonde and a brunette lay on the blonde's bed. He remembers conversations and kisses and singing and stupid baseball innuendos. He remembers a gorgeous boy with brown hair and brown eyes kind of like Logan and he remembers secrets and beliefs of going to hell. He remembers them quite like how he remembers an Ivy and when he looks at the brunette on his bed, he threads their fingers together.
His brunette stirs kind of like that blonde's brunette and the smile on his face is not his own. On the inside, Kendall's disoriented, and when he sees Logan's eyes beginning to open, he panics. He opens his mouth to apologize but somehow, his mind isn't working and he ends up saying, "Peter…"
The small boy on his bed flutters his eyes at that, and when they're eyes meet, it's those not-Logan's eyes again. It's gentle and sweet and lighter than Logan's eyes. The brunette moves closer to him and shifts so that he can lay his head on the blonde's lap and they stare at each other's eyes.
Peter smiles up at the tall boy and brushes the hair out of his eyes. "Hey, Jase."
Something breaks in him and he doubles up, pushing his forehead down the other's almost painfully because he needs the contact and it isn't enough. "Peter," he prays, "Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter." His grip on the brunette tightens and he brings him closer. He needs him closer, and closer, and closer, and, god, this just isn't enough.
Peter shifts until he is molding perfectly against the blonde's body. He rakes the boy's hair and presses his fingers unto his scalp. "Ssh," he whispers, "Jason, I'm here."
"I love you," he mourns.
A kiss. A sigh. "I know."
(It's just Jason and Peter and, suddenly, the world is perfect.)
when we first shared that secret
They're still on his bed but this time, Peter's head is laid on his pillow and the only things in the way are their boxers. He tweaks Peter's nipples and lets himself be warmed by Peter's moans. He smirks, and when Peter looks closer, he notices that Jason's grin is mixed with Kendall's. He shifts just enough to make Peter squirm and try to get more fiction.
"Oh god, Jase," the brunette breathes and he tugs Jason's hair and kisses him hard. His hands travel down Jason's body harshly and rotates his hips in a way he knows drives him crazy. "Jason," he whispers, prolonging his name as long as he can.
Jason pulls back, the smirk overthrown by the hungry look he's sporting. They both know he can't wait any longer and he tugs his boxers down and kicks them away. He kisses the brunette one last time because he needs to know that he's still here and he needs to show him that he really does love him. When they pull back, the air is different and Peter looks up at him with adoration and promise. He knows he is, too.
He closes his eyes and places his forehead against the boy under him. "I love you," because now that he has him back, he needs to make sure he'll never leave again.
Peter hums and threads his fingers behind his nape. "Love you, too, Jase." The blonde sighs into the warmth before withdrawing to look at the brunette.
He sees Logan.
With the brunette's eyes closed, he can't convince himself that it's not him. His face is flushed and covered in sheen of sweat, his hair is messy, and he looks breathtaking. Kendall comes out clawing and panicking because, suddenly, his whole world is filled with loganloganlogan and he doesn't know where the two of them, Kendall and Logan, stand right now. Because even if he said he loved him, it was Jason's words, not his, Jason's feelings, not Kendall's.
Something tears at his heart and he finds it hard to breathe. He blinks continuously and, at the back of his mind, he wonders if this is how a panic attack feels like. He wants to run away but he can't. He still feels this pull for the sweet, wonderful thing in front of him and he wants to call out for his best friend. But maybe Logan is still Peter and he doesn't know what would happen if Peter finds out his Jason isn't here right now.
His vision blurs along the edges and it's as if the picture of Logan is even more prominent.
"Jay," Kendall blinks again and he sees Logan—Peter sitting up with worry too much like Logan's. "Jase, are you okay?"
He stares hopelessly at the boy in front of him and Peter sees the shift from the blonde's eyes and countenance. "Oh." Kendall winces.
"O-oh, oh, ssh, it's okay," Peter tries to soothe, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I forgot, please, I'm so sorry." He grips the boy's arms and massages the skin with his thumbs. "Please, please, I just…I waited so long, and I love Jason, and I forgot. Please." If Kendall tries hard enough, he can hear a little bit of Logan in that voice and he releases a shaky breath.
"I'm sorry," Peter continues to beg, and he whispers, "Logie."
Peter gives him a wavering smile. Kendall's grip is still tight on the comforter and the thumbs don't stop circling his skin. He tries to find comfort in that because this is the kind of thing Logan does to him and right now, he really needs his best friend.
Before either of them think about it, Peter gives him a chaste kiss. Kendall knows this should be scaring him but it just felt so familiar that he can't help but sink into the brunette's arms and, just like that, Jason is back.
(He wonders if he'll ever feel love as powerful as the one these two share.)
and everything changed?
They both know they need to share this secret. Peter knows he can't relive the memories he has confined and Jason knows he can't make the same mistake he did before. This is their second chance and they can't put Logan and Kendall into that kind of situation.
But Jason is still afraid and even though he knows things are different (they're not in a Catholic School and Carlos and James and Katie and that boy's mother have never seemed like homophobes), the thoughts have been engrained in his mind and it's not exactly easy getting over something you completely believed in.
"It's not the same here," the smaller of the two urges, "they won't judge us. These people won't hate us." The brunette believes this, because he's seen these people act, he's lived with these people, and he knows this time, they might have a chance.
Jason, Kendall, shakes his head. "What if they take you away from me?" Kendall is scared because the differences between him and Jason are blurring and he's so not ready for any of this. He grabs the other's hand and squeezes. "I can't let them take you away."
"And they won't," he retorts, "if they don't accept us, then they don't." He brushes the blonde's hair away. "We're not going to go down without a fight. I'm not going to let you be taken away from me, either."
Kendall gives him a hesitant smile and Jason sighs and sits down. His, their friend goes down next to him and wraps his arm around his shoulders, nuzzling his face into the yellow hair. The blonde finds so much comfort in this and he nudges the other's face with his nose.
"It'll work out alright," the brunette reassures, "they'll understand, I know it. They trust and care about us. Trust them , too, yeah?"
Kendall looks up and it's Logan, it's Peter, giving him a soft, affectionate smile and he's not sure who's heart lurches (probably both of them) and he kisses him.
(This is worth it, they know. Jason and Kendall and Peter and maybe Logan.)
can you know what you meant
Kendall walks with the snow crunching under his feet, thinking he misses this. Misses the quiet in Minnesota and the chill seeping into his clothes. Being in LA so long had him used to the hot sun and the cold has him shivering, even the littlest bit, and he embraces everything that screams home.
Logan is beside him wrapped in a black coat and a too big blue and green scarf. He makes it that the cloth covers half his mouth and his gloveless hands are shoved deep into the pockets of his coat. The sudden shift of weather has pink dusting his cheeks, nose and ears and Jason or Kendall thinks the brunette is entrancing.
He listens to the deep breaths he's taking and he thinks that maybe it's him that relaxes under everything Logan because, honestly, this is so much more than just Jason and Peter. Because this is Kendall and Logan and even though they don't spend as much time together as before, he knows that whatever it is, it should always be Kendall and Logan or Logan and Kendall.
He moves closer to the small boy and when the other notices, he meets him halfway and Jason's whole world is Peter and Kendall's whole world is Logan. He breathes in, it's still so awkward because this is still his best friend and it had never been them that were dating, and until now, he still doesn't exactly know where they stand. But this is still Logan and he's always been smitten by the brunette ever since they first met when Kendall bumped into Logan and Logan got that horrifying wound from having his hands slide across hard concrete. He's still smitten now and he thinks that maybe, maybe, he and Logan are meant to be.
He knows Jason and Peter are, and if they ended up in them, then that must mean something, right?
And Logan, by god, Logan, never seems to be disgusted doing all these things with Kendall. When he opens his eyes and it's not Peter staring at the blonde, Logan doesn't flinch or look horrified. He only searches for Kendall's hand, and Jason just knows and it's only them again. Logan trusts him and he's so glad that's enough. And although the first times it happened, Logan looked confused and even a bit scared—hadn't Kendall felt that, too?—he still latched onto his hand and Kendall knows they'd be okay.
His own hand starts to ache for the brunette's now, and he shoves it in Logan's coat to lace their fingers together. The warmth and chill dance between their linked palms and the blonde's never felt safer.
He knows this is where Kendall and Jason meet and become one and there is nothing more he wants than his best friend, his lover, who's walking right beside him.
(Vaguely, he wonders that if now that Peter and Jason had their second chance, does that mean they'll never be born together again? Because he's starting to think that maybe spending another lifetime with the boy holding him won't be too bad.)
to a soul that was searching?
Oh my gosh, wow, that was a bit harder than I thought it would've been. At least I managed to squeeze the whole thing out in one day. So I'm sorry if it isn't much, I didn't really know how to go about this and, well, whatever, I did no justice. Also, for the lack of feeling and the slight suckiness.
This was heavily inspired by emeralddragonchild's Once, Future, and Always and Now and Forever. I'm sorry if it's too alike but when it suddenly came to me, I just couldn't let it go.
So this idea basically came out of nowhere, I was getting ready to shower when suddenly bam! New idea. I was swimming in the wonderful world that was Bare and I was still in the BTR fandom so, I dunno, they deserved a second chance? Besides, I think it could've actually worked.