Sweetrolls, Arrows and Knees.
This is written for Turn_on_a_Dime's, two lovely mods for Skyrim on Steam workshop.
Clepta walked down the street in Riften carefully avoiding the Guards as she pick pocketed her way though the crowd. Yes she was the guild master of the Thieves guild but it wouldn't do to get caught. Brynjolf saw that as not setting a proper example to the new recruits.
Of course that was not the only reason why she avoided them. The wood elf had sworn to the divines that if she heard another "I used to be an adventurer like you, then I took an arrow to the knee." or " Let me guess. Someone stole your sweet roll?" then Stendarr have mercy on their souls. Why? Well lets just say she might get into a lot of trouble off Brynjolf for doing many unspeakable things to the guard.
Then she walked straight into a guard.
"Hmm. I used to be an adventurer like you, then I took an arrow to the kneARGH!" Clepta leapt back and maybe let out a scream as a bolt of lighting struck the guard. He crumpled to the floor, slightly smoking. Everyone in the market looked in amazement. Then another guard went over, scratching her helmet. The Guard then looked at Clwpta and said:
"Let me guess. Someone stole your sweet roll?" Suddenly a red cloud engulfed the Guard. When it cleared the guard was gone. On the floor was now a sweet roll. Everyone stood there in utter shock. Immediately Clepta beamed and skipped off to the Cistren, happily eating the Sweet roll.
"Thank you." She yelled to the heavens.
Up in the heavens
"Akatosh. What the heck is that noise?" Asked Zenithar cringing as another boom resonated around the place. He needed to focus on his work, namely 'forging' some pretty nifty scarves. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Akatosh's dragon head turn in his direction. While the Human head focused on the time keeping device, the dragon lord of time had become obsessed with lately.
"I have no idea and don't bother asking Dibella or my wife, Mara. They are both having girly time."
"What about your son?"
"Arkay? He's busy arranging all the dead souls. This Stormcloak rebellion is causing all sorts of trouble. He can barely keep on top of the dead. From what I hear Sonvgarde's getting pretty full."
" Hmph, feel sorry for him. I guess Julinos is busy doing maths." As the two gods talked, a man walked in carrying some books. Zenithar quickly waved at him to catch his attention.
"Septim! Do you have any idea what that noise is?" The man sighed, put the books down and walked over.
"Kynareth. Apparently she is that fed up of the guards saying that arrow to the knee thing. Soo…" The man trailed off. " She's decided to start throwing lighting around till they learn their lesson." The two gods both face palmed, Akatosh twice in this case.
"Oh and Sheogorath's also turning them into Sweet rolls apparently. Oh, and before you dare ask. NO! I am not going to calm her down this time." Zenithar and Akatosh both exchanged looks.
"Right, I think it's Talos' turn. Martin could you find him please?" Martin shrugged and set off to find his ancestor, wondering what the damage to the place would be this time. Let's just say Kynareth could get really angry.
Don't ask why I had Zenithar knitting. And before you ask, according to lore, Mara is Akatosh's wife and Arkay is their son. Well, it is thought so in Elder scrolls lore. I decided to have Kynareth dishing out the lighting as well she controls nature, that means she has control of the weather. Clepta is Latin for Thief.
If you want the mods they are on Steam workshop and Nexus mods, i'm gonna have to just give you the names as fanfic net doesn't like links.
Divine Punishment for Mention of Arrows to the Knee
Daedric Punishment for insults related to Sweetrolls.