Once Upon a starry sky
Dear Augustus,
It's been a week since I was forced to let you go. It's been an agonizing week, I didn't think a heart could endure this much pain. At any second it feels like my heart could shatter, and you won't be here to pick up the pieces and I'm not sure that I can.
My life has been completely turned upside down because of your death. Without you I feel like I am lost, it's almost like my heart is in the grave with you. I know that's impossible, still it's the way I feel.
I can't bring myself to regret having met you, because that would mean regretting the time I got to spend with you, and I can't do that. In such a short time you came to mean everything to me, in spite of the way I tried to keep my distance. Maybe I shouldn't have been the one to decide to do that, maybe it should have been you. Because now I'm left with these wounds, that knowing you and falling in love with you caused. These wounds I know weren't caused intentionally but they are here nonetheless. I don't even know how I am supposed to begin healing. How does one heal from an obliterated heart? I wish you could answer me that, because I certainly don't have the answer and I don't know anyone who does. I don't even know which direction to start looking in for healing.
While it's true that you left me damaged you also left me feeling more loved by a non family member than I have ever felt. I am so glad I wasn't able to keep my distance from you, that would have been like cheating you of the love that you so fully deserved. I am so glad I got to know my blue eyed angel. Even if I had known the impact your death would have on my life, I have to remember the impact it made on it as well, because surely as there is oxygen in my lungs. You have taught me a great number of things. Like how much I needed and deserved your love, and how to not take life so seriously.
My heart is in agony as I write these words, because I have never wished more for your presence than I do now, when it is too late. I am so glad you knew how much I love you and just what you mean to me. I miss you more than words could say, it's hard to remember the days we had together because they hurt so damn bad, maybe one day the pain will ease. I don't know. I just know that without you, I don't have much of a life; it's boring and lacks a certain balance without you. God, Augustus, I've never dealt with pain this bad before. I'm so happy that I took the opportunity to get to know you because so many won't get that chance; I don't know whether to be happy or sad. I don't want to share you with anyone and at the same time it feels like the world is missing out because they didn't get the chance to really and truly know you. I know that you were scared of being forgotten but you should know as I long as my lungs have air in them, as bad as they suck, I will always remember you and remember what you meant to me. I'm sorry that this world no longer holds your presence but I think that maybe you were a little too good to be here with us.
Augustus Waters, you were more special than even you realize you were. You chose to get close to me, someone who is destined to destroy lives. I hate that I can't speak any of this to you but I am glad that you no longer have to suffer the pains of having cancer. You never deserved to live in that kind of pain not that anyone who suffers from cancer does. Know this Augustus Waters; I will never stop loving you, or trying to put into words just what you mean to me. I love you Augustus Waters and I look forward to the day that we meet again.
Should I continue this as a series of letters? Or leave it as it is? thanks for reviewing and reading. Liz