Hello there! I dont know how many CJ fans are still out there. :P But this story is just a random thing of mine; me being the random me. I had a spare time and this idea just pops in my head and so I wrote it before I forget. I'm not sure how this one shot will go, so I'll let you guys be the judge of that. I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense. And I'm sorry for all the errors you guys will find. :D Cheers.
-Loving someone desperately is like holding a broken piece of glass. Your hands feel the pain but you still hold on. And when you decided to let go, your hands are free from pain but… empty -
The sun is up and high in the sky shining its raise around. It's a beautiful day and an even perfect day to be out in the sea. The raven-haired with a smile on her face watch the waves of the water hits the side of the boat while she looks at the horizon, gazing at the twinkling water of sea as the light of the sun reflects on it.
What a perfect day to sail.
Continuing on, on the voyage, the raven-haired looks at the navigator and realised where she's at, pausing to contemplate, she anchored the boat just far enough to see the shore of a coastal town, watching it from a distance.
It had been years.
Sighing, the raven-haired with brown eyes then looks down at the bottle that contains a piece of parchment she had read numerous times before. It was months back when she found the bottle and the letter inside.
Looking up again at the near by coastal town, the traveller unconsciously opens the bottle again and took the paper out, unrolling it. As if has a mind of its own, the brown eyes look down from the view of the town down to the unrolled parchment in hands.
To My Dearest Beautiful Sailor,
How are you my beloved?
I'm not sure if this would reach you, but I had to try even if chances are it won't. I never believed in fate, but I'm taking my chances. I will take any chances if it means be able to reach you, somehow… someday.
The three months had passed and now it had been a year. A lot has happened while you were gone; secrets revealed, people went and people that came by. A lot has change both in the town and its people. A lot has changed in my life too, but one thing remained the same. My heart never stops beating for you.
I know it's sad that I wasn't this brave to tell you this while I had the chance; while I had you in my arms. They said absence makes the heart forget but I think that statement was just a desperate bid to make oneself forget the one that cannot be forgotten; because I never managed to forget you. I don't think I ever will. What I believe now is –you don't know what you have until you lost it and you don't know what you've been missing until it actually arrives.
That was what happened with you and I.
Letting this out might be too late, and again chances are you wouldn't know either, but… I'll say it anyway or more so, I'll write it down anyway, in hopes that by fate this letter might just end up in your hands. I hope it does.
Before you came in my life, it had been good enough for me. I wasn't fully aware of what was lacking in it but still, it had been good enough. But then you came and suddenly things weren't the same; my views changed. You came in my life my beloved, and I knew what had been missing in it –you.
The very first time I saw, you immediately caught my attention. I was having a conversation with my friend and then your beauty caught my eyes as you walked behind the bar. I kept my attention to what my friend was saying at that time as much as I could but I just couldn't focus on the conversation alone, I just can't. My eyes were like glued to you and I couldn't look anywhere else. And then he came and your feature darkened, like when the sun had been shadowed by the clouds. I didn't know what he said to you, but I knew it was something that I wouldn't want to know or else my hate for that man might just reach its height –if it hadn't already. Anyway, as soon as he left, you run to the store room and I knew then that I had to follow you. I had to see if you were ok although my heart knew you weren't. Sure enough, you weren't as I found you in the corner of the room, in tears and scared. Your beautiful face was stained with tears that you were trying to hide from me. There and then, I wanted to gather you in my arms and keep you there. I wanted to reach you and I did, unable to stop myself. I touched your shoulder and you turned to me and my heart ache at the sadness swimming in your eyes. I don't know if you know or if ever mentioned this before, but… it was then I knew I wanted to protect you.
Do you remember when you were thrown out by your brother because of who you are instead of supporting you and standing by you to face the battle with the man that almost ruined you? You mentioned that you have no job, no home and no friends. I didn't feel pity for you, but rather I wondered how could anyone as beautiful as you could be in that position. Again my instinct to protect you kicked in and I even though I knew it's not the most logical thing to do, in my heart I know it was the right thing –I welcomed you to my home. We have safe house that you could use at that time, but I didn't feel that any safe house would be safe enough for you other than under my wing. Because then I could keep an eye on you… as well as get to know you more. I wasn't sure then what was with you that got me so interested and captivated. I used to wonder if it was your smile that even after everything you went through still manages to light up your eyes; or if it was your warm brown eyes that looks at me with adoration and love and not with lust; or if it was your lively presence that lighten up the aura of everyone in the room. But then as I spend time with you more and got to know you deeper, I realised it was everything that I mentioned but above all it was your soul. You've been through hell but your soul remained pure and unstained.
You grew up lacking love from your family and yet you were/are the most loving person I know. How anyone could be as loving and lovely when you weren't shown those feelings growing up, I often ask myself. But then I shouldn't really ask, because it was just you. You are naturally a good natured person that had been a victim of the unfairness of life and world. As I spend time with you, the feeling of taking away the pain from you past grew in me too, unaware that together with it is the love that I have never felt for anyone before. I'm already falling in love with you unconsciously.
Thinking about it now, it just makes me smile knowing that I had loved and love a person as wonderful as you, that I got to meet an amazing person, that I'm blessed enough to have met you. At the same time though, it's saddening at how stupid I was then; how much time and chances I wasted not telling you and running away from you; pulling you in and pushing you away.
I have a confession to make. Remember when we planned to go to the light house? The days prior to that day, we had been inseparable. I'm not the easiest person to get close to unlike Ruby, but you managed to get close to me somehow, quicker than anyone had been. Anyway, that day while I was preparing food for our picnic, Ruby came to me about something but I couldn't focus on her because my head is full of 'you' and how much fun we'll have. It was then that Ruby commented on our closeness. She mentioned how the way you look at me and that you might be developing feelings for me. I denied it, but I cancelled on you anyway. It was typical me, pulling away. I still feel bad lying to you, but at that time although I denied it, I knew what Ruby was talking about. I noticed it too and… I like how you look at me. I noticed it but I didn't entertain the feeling that it could be more –although again, I kind of knew it was more.
I spent that day walking around the beach with only one thought in my mind –you. I thought, if Ruby could see the way you look at me, it means it would only be a matter of time before she notice the way I look at you too. I wasn't fully aware then of how you look at me, only I know it was with adoration. But I know how I look at you, even if I never admitted to anyone. I look at you… no, I gaze at you when you were not looking. No one knew and not even you but, I always gaze at you; when you watch T.V. I watch you and notice how your nose would scrunch up cutely when there's something on T.V that you're disagreeing on. How your eyes would light up when something about boats and sea comes on. I notice even the way your eyes smile when you play cards with VJ.
You were so good with kids, do you know? I remember wondering again how, when no one showed you how to be nor have you experienced it when you were at the same age as VJ. And again, I realised that it's just you. You and your innocence that retained its purity even after everything you've been through.
Then just as I remembered the things you went through, I saw him; the very man that caused you pain. The man who gave you the darkest experience anyone could have; the same man that hunted your dreams turning it into a nightmare; the man that almost succeeded destroying your life if you were not so strong. I saw him looking and watching me and with every thought of what he did to you swam in my head, I knew I had to face him, let him know that he will never succeed in hurting you further more. I want him to know that as long as I'm here, he won't be able to lay even a finger on you, that if he so much as look at you, he'll be sorry he even glance your way. I even went far as daring him, you know? I just want a reason to be able to arrest him and put him in his rightful place, wiping that evil smile on his face. He's the monster in your dream that I want to erase; chase away. He didn't do anything though, he didn't do any reason to satisfy my need to put him behind bars and that left me frustrated. I felt like I failed you; failed to protect you.
And then I saw you at the Surf Club with Hugo chatting you up. My frustrations doubled up, because not only did I fail in chasing the monster away and finally giving you the peace you deserve, but also someone else had notice how special you are; how attractive you are. I guess I could safely admit now that I was jealous. It was spur in a moment kind of jealous that surprised me and I couldn't handle it at that time. Hugo noticed how beautiful you are and I didn't like it. I knew you don't go for guys but… I don't know. I just… it frustrates me that Hugo can freely express his interest in you and I couldn't. It was like I couldn't do anything right. I couldn't fully give you peace and I couldn't free myself in showing you how I really feel about you. When I… not-so-nicely shoo Hugo away, and you thanked me, when you touched me and thanked me, saying I'm a good body guard, that single touch had an electric kind of effect on me and I had to pull away. I didn't know what it was but I like the feeling, and even though I liked it, I was still a coward. Scared of what I'm feeling for you and at the same time unsure of how you feel about me. You haven't really shown interest in me aside from the adoration in the way you look my way. Every time, you just showered me gratitude but never assured anything of how you feel… felt?
But of course you and I both know that it changed on that afternoon in Alf's boat. I have another confession to make. I lied to you again that day. I told you that I have a friend to meet but really, I don't have to meet with anyone. I was just… I was just afraid of spending so much time with you because I love every second of it. Your company is intoxicating me and it scares me because, I fall deeper for you. The morning of that same day when you were reading that article about the boat missing and you were rambling on about how you love boats, you were so cute and adorable and if Leah didn't interrupt, I might've found myself getting lost in the twinkle of your eyes; because I always do when you're around and fall all over again. So I lied about meeting someone, but… hold and behold, I ended up staying. I couldn't go and end the lovely noon that we started. It really was a lovely lunch and afternoon we shared, 'till I wreck it.
Did you know that it was one of my biggest mistakes? It was one of the top mistakes I made in my life. I still often thing, the what if I stayed? What if I didn't panic when I felt that overwhelming love that surge through my body by the soft touch of your hand and the intense gaze of your brown eyes? What if I embraced it instead of running away from it? Maybe… just maybe, things had been different. I so wanted to kiss you that day. But like I said, I'm a coward. I might be a courageous cop, but I'm a coward all together when it comes to feeling something unfamiliar to me no matter how wonderful it feels.
The next events for the two of us after that day were the series of actions I continue to regret up to this day. Because my actions were just unforgivable; I wanted to protect you from the pain that, that monster put you through but I only manage to become an even bigger monster for adding up to your pain and heartache. I still haven't forgiven myself for those actions, but you… you manage to put that behind. I was so selfish only focusing on my messy thoughts that were just all because I'm coward that I neglected to see through your pain; how much I was hurting you. And those were the second biggest mistake of my life, because it almost causes me your life.
When I realised you were missing, I was a nervous wreck, snapping at everyone. I was literally on a mission to not leave any rocks unturned just to find you. And when I found you in that tub of water almost lifeless… I had never been so scared. When you took a deep breath after not breathing, I felt like I had been revived to life as well. I don't even want to think of what would happen to me if we arrived late. I… I can't.
We shared our first kiss that night. You left the station without waiting for me and I just knew that you would be on your way running away from me. I can't have you away, not when I just lost you almost completely, so I followed you. I was right; you were packing already when I reached you. I didn't know what else to do then. I can't have you not close to me, or I can not, not know where you'll be going. After the earlier events of that day, I don't think I can be at ease with myself not knowing where you are or how you are doing. I failed protecting you and I didn't want to give myself another chance of failing again. I had to stop you from going. At first, I tried the you have to get check out by a doctor excuse to get you to stay, but you were determined to leave. And then I lost you it. I got lost in the depth of you soulful albeit sad eyes and I just found myself opening up to you once again. Why is it so easy for me to bare myself to you? The things I revealed to you were like word vomit; I couldn't stop and I wasn't able to think of what were the words to say, I just poured it letting you know that I have never felt anything like it/this before. I still believe then that it was just the feeling of being attracted to another woman, but… even though admitting this might be too late now, what I really meant by not feeling it before was, I have never felt so strong for anyone before; I have never fall in love nor loved anyone the same before. It was just you – just you. You looked at me then with your brown eyes gleaming with hope and it melted me. I knew I couldn't just let you go without a fight. And I didn't want you to leave. But above all, your eyes just look at me and see through my soul and it draws me in. The feeling of wanting to feel your lips on mine surged through my body and I couldn't stop it and I threw caution to the wind. I leaned in and captured your lips.
You know, I often read of the experience in the book where the protagonist would meet the lips of their beloved and fireworks would go off and butterflies would churn inside them as what the authors would describe it; I never believed it then. I thought it was just a creative way for the authors to describe a feeling to lure their readers. When my lips touched yours though, I was proven wrong and them right. What they wrote was the truth because I felt it. I felt an electric kind of feeling from your lips that travelled down my body, sending tingles down my spine. I felt the butterflies flew tirelessly inside me and I felt the world stop and it was just you and me. It was a wonderful feeling, but… like all good things, it also has to end. The kiss was over sooner than I would like it to. And again I was pulled back to reality and my nerves kicks in. The feelings I felt were overwhelming sending me to panic mode. I have never felt it before and as wonderful and amazing it felt, it scared me still. I knew you would want answer but at that time, I wasn't ready for the answers that I haven't fully grasped the concept yet. I knew by kissing you, I pulled you again and I panicking had me push you away and I knew it hurts you. I'm so sorry for that.
I know I can apologise for all of my life, but my actions then would still be count as unforgivable. You were already so fragile and vulnerable and me… the monster that I am had to just add up to the burden. You wanted love and that's exactly what you deserve and me, instead of showing you how much I do, I run away. I pull you in and pull away. Do you know what's worst? The worst part was, every time I pull away, you were always there willing to wait for me as much as it hurts and breaks you. You understood and you patiently waited. Your power to feel something for someone like me still astonishes me, because I don't deserve it. Even when I accepted how strong my feelings for you, I still stubbornly willing to throw it away just for the very reason of minding what others would think and say instead of actually caring to the one thing that really matters. I was coward and hurtful and my doings proved how unworthy I am of you and your love.
I don't deserve the love that you were offering, maybe the reason why when you decided to go again, as much as I wanted to stop you again, I let you. Because I knew how hurtful I am to you; I feel the heartbreak because forcing myself to walk away from the love I feel for you breaks my heart and it kills me inside –I can only imagine what could it be like for you.
But I'm selfish. I knew you were hurting and I still insisted on being friends. Honestly, I just couldn't stand not having you at all in my life and I am selfish because I was only thinking of myself. I didn't even care to remember that while I can live in a pretend life where everything is fine, you can't. Because you are one honest soul; you can't lie to anyone even if you try and mostly you can't lie to your heart. I don't know if you know, but I always commend your courage and your strong-willed attitude towards things. You were fragile and people –including myself- wounded you time and again, but you're fighting. You remained strong and beautiful. You never hold grudge against others; not even to him. And even though I badly battered your heart, you were still willing to put it all behind and again patiently waited for me to come to my senses.
You know when I did come to my senses; it was the most glorious feeling. When I finally admitted that I'm in love with you out loud and have you –after everything I put you through- still feels the same for me… it was heaven. I was still aware that I didn't deserve you and your love but I was willing to be the person that deserves it. I knew you weren't asking for that, you often told me that you love me for who I am but I knew otherwise myself that who I am wasn't/isn't enough for someone like you. How can I be when I still feel scared to let the world know about us then? But you were patient and you were willing to give me all the time that I need. I'm not sure if it will make sense, but was working on it. I know I pulled my hand away when you tried to hold it when we were in public, but I tried not to. It was just, I wasn't ready. But I was working on my courage. It started with Ruby and I was preparing for Leah too. I was just doing it one step at a time.
But time wasn't as kind as you are. Our bubble had popped untimely and everything went to a chaos. Your brother vandalised my car and filed a complaint about me abusing my power and seducing a vulnerable woman that you are and then I wasn't allowed to see you and I just… I felt like my world was falling apart soon after I had it complete with your love. I was a mess and I did the 3rd biggest mistake of my life. I let my emotions crowd my senses and… I ended up in someone's bed. It was a mistake. I regretted it and I still do. If I could turn back the hands of time, I would. But, damage had been done. I felt so guilty especially when I found you at home waiting for me with smile in your eyes because we were allowed to see each other again and the charges had been dropped. I was planning to tell you the truth, but when I saw the happiness in your eyes, I couldn't find it in me to take that away, revealing my sin. I took the easy way out and lied to you and that had been my 2nd biggest mistake. I thought I could get away with it. I didn't, I hurt you massively again that the previous pain I have caused you failed in comparison and I lost you.
You found out my hideous crime and for the first time since I have met you, your eyes lost its warmth and in turn looked at me with disgust. I couldn't blame you; I'm still disgusted with myself up to this day. I should've told you straight away. I shouldn't have lied. But I'm an idiot; stupid.
And then my biggest mistake; I let you go. When I found out you were going, I run. I run as if my life depended on it and… when I think about it, my life did depend on it. My thoughts were, I will stop you any means possible and win you. I was determined to do that. I didn't want you to go even just for 3 months because, it really is forever. But when I saw how defeated you look; when I saw how much pain I have caused you that the need to get away even from your hometown had been necessary for you… I knew I had to give you the time you needed. I thought that I would be doing the right thing by you by letting you go and give you the space you desire… and me a chance to be the best that I can be for the perfect creature that you are; so I can be a little bit deserving of you and your offered love, but when you didn't come back? I knew I did the biggest mistake, not stopping you hard enough and prove to you harder that I can be what you need me to be. Now… now, it's too late.
You didn't come back after the 3 months you said. I couldn't blame you. Why would you want to come back to the place that would be a constant reminder of you heart ache and pains. I did hope that you would. I hoped that you would return and give us a chance, but I should've known. You didn't return any of the letters I sent you, you didn't contact any of us in the bay and there was no way to find your whereabouts –not without breaking the law anyway. Actually, I did that. When you didn't come back, I tracked down the trawler that took you away from me, but after the three months howl, there was no trace of you. It was like you vanished from the face of the earth and… I knew then that when you kissed me before you board the trawler… that would be the last. That would be the last that I would feel those butterflies and tingles from my lips then through my skin.
Joey… my beloved sailor… there has never been a day without me not thinking of you; not a day without me asking what if and telling myself the 'should've'; not a day without my heart aches at our memories. I still love you the same way I did before. My feelings for you are still as strong as when I felt it the first time and when it grew. I won't lie and say I didn't try to have a relationship with another, because I did. But it wasn't anything like we had. Our time together might not hold the amount of time but I know in my heart that any relationship I would have with someone else no matter how long it'll last, it would still be nothing compared to ours. Because ours… if it were given a chance, I know it would go on for the rest of my life if not forever. I haven't seen my future with anyone else other than with you and I still do. That's why I never imagine my future anymore, because high chances are you wouldn't be with me, so future for me is just another day in my tomorrow.
You know, I would trade thousands of my tomorrow for just a day with you. Just one day to see you. I miss you so much… very much so that it really aches. I love you so much Joey. And I'm still very much irrevocably in love with you. If only I can tell you; if only there's a way to let you know.
If by chance, by fate this letter fortunately in god's hand ends up in the palm of you hands, please know that I truly love you. I may have done a lot of wrong deed, but believe me… I really do love you, with every air that I breathe and every beat of my broken heart.
Please think of me sometimes and if you ever by any chance still feel even a bit of what you felt for me before, please… I'm begging you; please find your way back to me. Please come back to my arms. Please.
Be safe. And I LOVE YOU FOREVER.
Love's forever yours,
Charlie (blue eyes)
Looking back up to the coastal town in view after reading the letter, the traveller wiped the tears that escaped her brown eyes. From the date of the letter in the bottle, it had been over a year since it was written and she only found it floating a few months ago.
Does the word in this letter still stand? Does she still feel the same way? I guess there's only one way to find out.
Hesitantly, she set the boat to sail again closer to the town's dock. She wasn't sure what to expect when she step off the boat and to the ground of her home town. She just hopes that there still is something for her in the town that held both her darkest days and the happiest days of her life.
But her hope had been rejected as soon as she walked her few steps in the familiar town. She had only left the security of her boat, ready to see what the town have for her, when her eyes caught the familiar figure in the blue police uniform; the familiar figure that engraved its image in her mind all those years ago; the silky, wavy brunette locks that she adored so much; the same police officer that owns a pair of blue eyes, the same woman that captured her heart, with the body of someone else hovering against her. They were in a secluded area not far from the docks and seemed to be lost in their own world. Stopping, she watched the figure of the woman she loves with her arms around the masculine figure of a man whose lips were pressed against hers.
She shouldn't have come back. She knew that there's nothing left for her in this town. Once again defeated, she turned and headed back towards her boat. She's too late. Or maybe… things were just not meant to be.
Feeling something she couldn't explain Charlie pulled away from Brax's lips, turning her head to side of the wharf. Her eyes then caught a figure of a woman who just pulled her boat away from the dock, back facing her. Charlie continued to watch as the boat continued on sailing away from the bay and then she felt the strings of her heart being pulled making her beating organ ache, as the woman turned her head side way throwing something in the water.
Tears immediately poured from her blue eyes unconsciously.
"Joey."
So... did it make sense? How did my one shot go? Let me know. :D Also, if anyone can teach me how to post things in tumbler. I'm planning on making an account there, and then make an accound onf twitter and connect the two. I dont know if Facebook is better or tumbler, for posting random stories of mine and my previous ones. Please let me know... Thank you!