True
Summary: Maybe tonight I'd find some reason to believe he was here again. I'd relive the story for the thousand and first time.
Disclaimer: if i did you know what i'd do.
Rating: PG-13/R-boarderline, Language.
Author's Note: A few little liberities I took in here, one is that this is supposed to take place one year ahead of now. Also one part of this story was inspired by the book "Someone Like You" (sappy yet delicious and lovely) and the song "Bittersweet Symphony" by the Verve. Part of it could take place after Finally. But it's up to you. Read, and tell me what you think.
I didn't want to wake him. These days, sleeping is what he did best. I sat at the edge of the bed and picked at my already bleeding fingernails. Pushing the cuticles farther down. They were chipped and pink and now bloody. He didn't move or anything. I looked up at the reflection of us. Me on the bed, him asleep facing the window. Two mindless junkies. The nylon comforter itched underneath my skin. It was a mustard color, and faded yellow. I knew he had stolen it from the hotel he worked at. One of the many places he worked to keep us in this place. You know it's amazing, how hard a person can work and still get nowhere.
I knew the apartment would be way too small tonight, like most nights my thoughts would stick with me for most of the night. Lately I couldn't breathe, much less sleep. All I could do was sit and try to think of everything at once. Tried to think of how I got to sleeping on stolen sheets and tasting blood as I bit my nails so hard it hurt. The air smelled faintly of dust and sweat. I knew it was going to rain. It was so hot in here.
So oppressively hot.
That was what had woken me up in the first place, the feeling of used sheets sticking to me. My thighs, my stomach clang them and they stuck. I was determined for them not to smother me. I picked at the now dry blood and paced into the small hole of a kitchen. It smelled like the soap and the dishes sat in the sink a reminder screaming at me, knowing that I should have done them tonight.
Oh well. It was only him and me, it wasn't like he'd care, and it wasn't like I couldn't pretend not to notice everything in our lives was shit. I heard thunder and the skies light up far away. Outside the window, I knew I could feel it coming. I swear I heard him laughing at me. I was cursed forever now.
We both were.
Cursed together.
The sky light up again and for some reason I knew my life was adding up. I could feel the clock ticking. Maybe tonight I'd let the mindlessness end. Maybe tonight I'd find some reason to believe he was here again. I'd relieve the story for the thousand and first time. I grabbed my keys, and ran down the metal and rusted stairs. The walls were green and demeaning, I knew I needed to leave this place before they swallowed me. Before I was smothered.
I walked 2 blocks to where my car was parked, not knowing where I was going. The sky was purple, and the trees blew just a little bit. Other than that the world was stopped. Everything was calm before the storm. The streetlamps lit my way, lit my way out of this dirt hole that I had crawled into. The sky was almost red for night, purples, and reds mixed with the thick heat of summer. I sweat, and with every breath I took I knew he was smothering me. He was getting to me. Was this it? My pace quickened and I swear I could hear him behind me. I could taste him on my lips, and feel him touch my skin. I wanted to believe so badly that he was behind me, or that I'd turn around and he'd be there laughing at me like the year had all been a joke. I wanted that so bad I knew that I would die tonight from wanting. Wanting isn't something I could do anymore, it was what had brought me here, and it was what made me not let go of him.
I remember the exact moment my world fell apart. It was the 2nd week of school, it was a Tuesday. They pulled her out of the classroom and I could see from through the window that lead into the hallway. I saw her like a slideshow. In little motions. First her face in terror, then the words spilling out of the teacher's mouth, then the tears and hysteria her face breaking apart and her body shattering to the floor. I, on the other hand watched from behind the glass. I was always watching from outside. No one cared to think that his death had affected me. No one had remembered the time we had spent together. No one remembered that as we all came together and grieved.
There was a memorial service and this bullshit wall. You wrote things on it like "he was a great person.", "I'm going to miss him." I couldn't stand to be around it. None of them even knew him at all. No one noticed me as I slid into the bathroom and cried alone that first day. I cried so hard I thought my insides would come out. I still didn't believe it as I got ready with Emma to go to his funeral. I wanted to look good for him, I wanted to look beautiful. And as I slipped into my pink dress I knew I'd stand apart from the crowd. He always loved it when I wore pink, I think it reminded him of how innocent I actually was.
We got there and everyone crowded around her, saying how sorry they were. She stood in the middle and cried, but no one noticed me. I just heard whispers and words. Commenting me, picking me apart, little broken bits about "Pink at a funeral? She always has wanted the attention for herself." Everyone crowded around her after and before, she sobbed and played the part perfectly. She always was the perfect girlfriend. Now she was playing the part even when he was gone...I stood in the back and no one knew that all along he had told me he loved me. He had told me everyday, and now I stood and wore pink wanting so badly to be beautiful for him. Thinking that maybe being beautiful would bring him back, because really that's all I could do.
I fantasized about running back to the garage, running into his room and smelling his scent and feeling the feel that only his shirts had. He'd kiss me and laugh telling me how stupid I was for believing it all. I'd tell him how she cried so hard and that played the perfect girlfriend so well, and he'd tell me how beautiful I looked. I couldn't do that though, because in the back of my mind I was so afraid of knowing I'd find nothing there.
The rain hadn't come yet, I didn't know where I would go but I was going to get away. Maybe everything would make sense finally after tonight. I couldn't help but hear him whisper in my ear, and realize that nobody would ever know our secrets. They would forever hang unfinished. I recounted the story over and over driving in the dark, the wind picking up and the sky flashing in the July heat. I remembered how I had gotten here, how we had found each other.
After everything had been broken around us, it only made sense that us fuck-ups should stick together. No one understood our losses except each other. After Ellie had committed suicide Sean didn't really know what else to do. He thought he had failed her and shut himself out. Everything in our lives fell apart together. Sean shut out the world because he understood reality too well. I shut myself out because I didn't want to understand it at all. We stuck together and shut out the world together. We shut it out through each other.
I didn't know if I'd have the guts left in me to find it. I didn't know I had the guts to bring myself here. To get out of the car and say what I'd always intended to. Somehow I had ended up here, and somehow I couldn't do anything but sit. I knew now that I wasn't imaging. He was laughing at me. With every angry cloud he was laughing. Maybe he'd be sitting there waiting there for me and run towards me laughing picking me up off the ground just a little, not because he necessarily wanted to, but because he had to.
There was no running tonight.
As I walked it began to rain slowly, the drops stuck to my face and clung to my clothes. I finally found what I was looking for. And I stood there for a little bit. Just staring at it, because to be honest, my reality wasn't prepared for this. I wasn't ready for my fucked up world to accept that everything I had once hoped for was gone.
I traced it and laughed, and the rain fell hard. The sky lit and the echoes where heard all around me. "Manning, Craig" I traced over and over again. Finally I stopped. I started to get angry, I started to cry, and part of me was in pink again. "Where are you now?" I screamed into the emptiness. Into the rain, and into the concrete. Everything hadn't been a lie, and I'd known it all along. Reality crept into me and I was finally broken. I cried and hurt, and crushed and let the dirt seep into my fingertips. I let the rain pour onto my face and I let every part of me try to be beautiful for him. Even though this time I knew, he wasn't coming back.
When I got home dawn was creeping over the storm. It was over and the sky was pink, it was purple and blue. I walked up the rusty steps and turned the key. Sean was waiting at the kitchen table; our kitchen table.
"Manny..." he kind of said trailing off as soon as he saw me. Every part of me was soaked, and every part of me was ready. My hair stuck to my neck and face and rain stuck to my clothes. And for the first time I was awake. All he did was walk over to me; he took me and held me. For the first time I let him save me.
And by doing that, I saved him right back.