A/N: This is just a little fic I'm using as an excuse to live out my Shoker fantasies... -sigh- Anyway, pretty much starts in the near the end of the game, with some flashbacks. The story pretty much follows Commander (Lynn) Shepard and Joker, with a chapter for each important member of the crew. Just want to work on developing characters and relationships and all that good stuff! Anyway, 'tis all! Hope it's a good read (and a good addition to the lack of Shoker fics). The ME universe and most characters were created and owned by Bioware, ruler of all that is amazing in this world! 3
01| Sleepless Nights
( S h e p a r d )
It was the same repetitive sound as always. Every night when I closed my eyes to sleep it was the sound of the same dream starting up once again. It was the same ratta-tat-tat as always, the same sound that would never cease to haunt me. Ratta-tat-tat-tat, ratta-tat-tat, ratta-tat-tat. Always the same. It would grow louder, echoing through my mind like scream in a great chasm. Eventually the sound would become clearer and familiar…and terrifying. The black void behind my eyelids would eventually dissolve, displaying a scene I always dreaded to see. From the depths of my mind, an old wound would rise, fields of green grass and yellow flowers, gentle breezes and lazy clouds in blue skies, the bah of little sheep carrying across the wind to little ears of children running after one another, their giggles and shrieks echoing…always echoing, always haunting. But that same sound would break through the gentle scene, the tranquility would be broken. The fields would be set tainted, green and yellow stained with red, the sky would be ablaze, brilliant hues of orange and red with plumes of black smoke rising up darkening the colors. The sheep were silent, the breeze was halted, the children were screaming.
Every time there was a little girl standing in the middle of the field, watching with wide blue eyes, blood running down the side of her face. She watched in horror as her friends were taken by strange looking men. Too scared to move, like a deer in headlights, she stood frozen, watching as bright beams flew past her, ripping through flesh of those around her. And it was from a far off place that I would watch her, helpless to do anything, afraid of the gatling guns and the heavily armored men and their angry faces and their sharp teeth. It was from far away, like a ghost, that I would watch in horror as the men snatched the little girl and took her away, lost forever. I tried to scream, I tried to move from my hiding place, I wanted to save the little girl…but what could I possibly do? They'd kill me too, or worse, snatch me up with the others.
And when the screaming stopped and all fell silent and still, all I could hear still was that same ratta-tat-tat-tat, ratta-tat-tat…
And like every night, I would wake up with a scream caught in my throat, a scream that I was never able to let go. A scream that would be forever trapped within me, to remind me of the agony of watching my loved ones mowed down and taken from me. My eyes flared open, a terrible pain upon my chest as I desperately tried to gasp for air and thrash out of my covers. My body refused to move, it was as if something heavy was sitting upon my chest, mocking me. Panic quickly began to swiftly take over me as I struggled to breath, knuckles white from my fingers tightly grasping the sheets beneath me. Inside my mind I was screaming at myself, breath damnit! But my throat was tightly constricted, refusing to take in any air, or expel any. I was stuck in a paralysis and I was helpless against myself. After about a minute of feeling my heart pound angrily against my chest and start to draw to a slow pace with each passing second, my body began to relax, my throat opened and air came to my lungs.
With control returning to my body, quickly I flung the covers off me, nearly throwing myself off the bed. Wincing as bare feet touched down on the cold metal floor. My mind was racing, yet another night with paralysis, it was as if I had an old hag sitting upon my chest. Rubbing the spot that had ached, my blue eyes stared off at the brightly glowing holo-screen upon my desk, it flickered, blue light illuminating the dark cabin. Recalling the nightmare, instinctively, hands went to my face, nerve wracked and still slightly shaking from the imaginary terror that had aroused within me. The nightmares were constant, if it wasn't reliving the tragedy of my youth, it was the watching millions of living beings destroyed by synthetic life forms. Take your pick, neither was any better than the other. The terrors were more…rare, and bothersome. It was the oddest thing, but every time I awoke, frozen and terrified something bad usually followed suit. My gut turned horribly just thinking about that. In my current situation, expecting the worse was an occupational hazard, but, sometimes the feeling was different. Thinking about it made me feel…hollow inside.
Rubbing my eyes, trying to go back to sleep was probably something I should do, seeing as I had a very important task ahead of me. But the idea of facing my inner demons behind closed lids didn't sound very appealing. I never felt comfortable in my own bed, my own skin, after this and the last thing I wanted to do was lie down and be alone. Legs swiftly carried me across my cabin towards my desk, fingers lingering at the edge of the cool metal. My eyes hovered briefly over the screen flickering with hazy letters. I brought a finger up, touching the screen, a soft ping alerted me to a new message. Touching the screen once more over the message icon, it opened, revealing a letter from a very kind, and caring man. I sighed, glimpsing over the words, eloquently put but failed to mask the anger and disproval hidden beneath them. I closed the message, not really in the mood to deal with political matters and how I probably sealed the fate of the galaxy fifty years from now by not committing genocide. Funny how the endangerment of the entire galaxy brought people closer together.
My fingers went to touch more icons, probably find my way to old letters sent from home, but they stopped, hovering an inch away from the screen. The sense of loneliness began to creep through me once more and sitting in the dark reading letters that usually left me feeling sad no longer sounded appealing. Without much thought, I began to search for my clothes, pulling on pants and boots as quickly as I could, smoothing the wrinkles of my shirt. At this time, there weren't many people who cared much for appearance and no one to make comments about my disheveled look. Most times I took great care to make sure my uniform was perfect, not a single wrinkle or crease, my hair would be perfectly maintained, combed and shaped. Right now my hair probably looked a mess, a heap of ebony pushed about, strands brushing over my face where my bangs would normally be swept to the side in a classy wave. It was one of the few, and to the crew, rare moments when I'd break rank and not give a damn. With all we had been through, they weren't much of a judging crowd at this time.
It was remarkably silent in the mess hall, despite the fact that we were running with a full crew and then some. I had come to accept the natural silence of our ship, what with an over-sized core stuffed into the back of a ship, one would think it would be much louder. But it was remarkably silent, to the point you'd have to wonder if the ship was even moving. When I first spent the night on the Normandy, it was unnerving, the silence driving me near insane. It was worse when you had to sleep in those pods.
As the door to the cabin hissed open and I stepped into the mess hall, I shot a quick glance over my shoulder to the narrow area with the sleep pods. Shuddering I recalled my experience in the pods, the cramped space, silence…it was a horrible combination. I wasn't necessarily claustrophobic, it was just unsettling to be cramped in there, and then to suddenly wake up and smacking my face upon the pod door.
It was empty, usually there was one or two people sitting around, usually taking their breaks, keeping themselves awake with a cup of coffee. Strangely, no one was here. I must have missed them. Pity, I did enjoy taking time to get to know my late night crew. Instead of sitting at the main table, I took the familiar route towards the bridge. Taking each step one at a time as I tried to figure out what I was going to do to pass the time. I could play with the navigation map, maybe look for something useful, maybe some kind of clue…Even though the navigation map was fresh on my mind, somehow I managed to bypass it anyway, instead heading straight for the one place I always managed to wind up on sleepless nights like this. The only noise coming from bridge was the beeps of the automatic systems. Orange screens flickered as I walked past, the CIC was quiet as well, with the usual two guards at the doors and a crewman or two checking over the systems to ensure they were still operating per usual. The only place in the ship that was never empty except for brief amounts of time was the bridge, as the helmsman was remarkably dedicated to his job, if not me, at least to the ship. You had to admire his love for the Normandy.
The man in the pilot's seat hardly paid any mind to my presence as I slunk down into the co-pilot's seat to his right. His hazel eyes flickering over the multiple screens before him. On occasion he'd mumble something to himself or let off a heavy sigh, fingers flying over the holographic keyboard as he pulled up new screens and pushed aside others. Whether he chose to ignore me or was simply just too absorbed into whatever it was he was looking at, was beyond me. I leaned forward in the seat, activating the console before me and began checking over things. Screens covering the ship and her various systems came up standard, other ones I had to bring up on my own. Fingers flying quickly over icons and keys, eventually I found the files I was looking for and began riffling through them.
"You're not seriously going to look over the mission reports again are you?" His voice cut through the silence, startling me for a moment as I had begun to focus on reading the old reports. There was a tone, one that was almost skeptical as well as annoyed. From the corner of my eye I could see him leaning back somewhat in his seat, he must have glanced over for a moment as his eyes were still focused on his own screens. That or he was just assuming what I was doing, as it was what I did every time I ventured here when I couldn't sleep. I could understand his annoyance, as he was the one that filed the reports, checking to make sure absolutely everything was in order. He was thorough, there was really no reason for me to check them again, but I couldn't help myself.
With a shrug, I focused on my screens again, reading over the details of the Eden Prime report I had written awhile back. How that report had changed so much…
"I told you once, I'll tell you again, they are fine. F-I-N-E. Fine. Will you stop looking them over?" A hand went to the cap upon his head, adjusting it in the slightest so the bill was tilted upwards. He looked over at me, a seemingly irritated look upon his face, "Or do you just lack faith in my organization skills?"
"If I did I would have told you, Lieutenant." I said with a flat tone, eyes flickering over each word until I reached the end, moving on to the next report, and then the next. I honestly don't know why I looked over these things all the time, maybe I was just too paranoid, maybe I was afraid I missed a detail. What if I forgot to mention something important!? Oh God, I was so detail oriented… "I'm just…making sure I didn't miss anything."
He scoffed, turning away from me and pressing himself against the back of his seat. Crossing his arms over his chest, he shook his head, "You? Miss a detail? Alright Commander, you missed something and I'm a multi-millionaire using my disease as an excuse to pick up chicks that love guys they think they can 'fix'." My only retort to his comment was me sighing heavily. He had a point though…However, his sarcastic remark would hardly dissuade me from continuously scrutinizing these reports. I needed something to do, something mundane to keep my mind from wandering to things I didn't want to think about. "I filed those reports myself, you really think I'd do it if you missed something?" Again I shrugged. I felt I knew him well enough to know the answer to that one. I liked to think he had my back and I knew he double checked the reports.
I noticed him opening his mouth again, I quickly cut off whatever quip he was about to utter with an agitated sigh. I closed the screens, opting to just stare blankly at the orange light it emitted. A satisfied grin crossed his lips, but faded as quickly as it had come. He was back to his own work, or leisure, whatever it was he was doing. Silence fell between us once more and, despite how hard I tried, my mind began to ponder over bothersome things. The upcoming mission, the fate of the galaxy, the aliens on my ship, the obviously inappropriate advances from two members of my crew but I couldn't help but give into…well at least for one, the other was taking my kindness the wrong way…the very wrong way.
"Well, I'm guessing you didn't come here to have a pleasant chat with me…I suppose." I didn't answer him, knowing full well that if I did he'd have some smartass remark to come back at me with. "Alright, mocking silence, much better." His fingers were upon the edge of his arm rest, tapping lightly as he thought quietly to himself. He cast a sideways glance my way as I did the same, "Another one?"
By that I assumed he meant 'bad dream', in which case I nodded silently. He had come to accept the fact that I was going to be here every night, knowing that once I had my nightmare I wasn't going back to sleep. He never really complained, if he did, it was usually in jest. At least I had hoped so. Joker had never really pried when it came to my nightmares. Usually he'd just ask if that's why I was up and he'd just let it drop, we'd converse for a bit, I'd read over the reports and eventually fall asleep in the chair. He never seemed to mind, I liked to think he appreciated the company. I know I did. Joker was usually never the one to wake me up, most of the time it was Lieutenant Alenko as I usually ended up taking his seat when he felt like chatting with Joker. Joker was usually nowhere to be seen when I awoke, I don't know where he'd go, maybe the mess hall, showers, whatever, but I did know he was never in the pods. Like me, he shared quite a dislike for the pods. I remember once he told me he used to sleep in the medical bay, until I started coming out and bugging him.
"You…wanna talk about it?" The question caught me off guard. Mainly as I knew him, he wasn't the kind of guy that asked about things like that. Usually he'd just let things…happen. Most of the things I had told him about myself I had just sort of, gushed out to him un-prodded. It was rare when he actually asked me about myself. I sat there for a moment, not really sure what to do. Apart of me wanted to share my nightmare with someone, just to get it off my chest, even though I knew it'd always be with me. Another part of me was not keen on letting others know how messed up my brain was.
"I-it's nothing…"
He leaned forward, pushing one of the screens to the side as he went to check another, his brow furrowed, "Sure sounds like something to me." Joker kept his eyes pinned on the screen, "Come on Shepard, your up here every night, as much as I'd like to think you just love my company, there's more to it than that." I wonder what he'd say if I told him that I did enjoy his company, as a matter of fact! "Maybe…talking about it will help you sleep, I don't know, I'm not a psychologist or anything, but it doesn't hurt to try."
Silence again fell between us for several minutes. I grazed my mind trying to find the right things to say, I hadn't really talked about Mindoir to anyone for the longest time, at least not anyone that wasn't family. Come to think of it, I had never talked about it to anyone except my Nan. Not even my closest friends, and I had no idea what Joker was to me. He…was my pilot, I don't think it'd be appropriate to call him my friend…or was it? If that wasn't appropriate, then I don't know what you'd call the relationship between Lieutenant Alenko and myself, it would be…highly inappropriate most likely. Definitely a violation of regs.
"Or not…"
I quickly shook my head, "No, no! It's not like that…er," I swallowed hard, "I just haven't talked about that to anyone for a very long time…" He made no response, I cast my eyes to my right towards the window, watching different colored stars drift by. My heart sunk just thinking about all of it, putting words together was proving to be rather difficult.
"It can wait y'know." He said quietly. I kept my eyes pinned on the great expanse of space before me, "I'm not saying you have to talk about it right now, but, it might do you some good to let it out eventually." A sigh escaped him, "And it's not like you have to tell me or anything, hell it could be Alenko, god knows you two talk all the time…" The last bit sounded a little bitter, causing me to look away from the window back towards him, "Look, Shepard. You've got a hell of a lot of shit to burden yourself with." His hazel eyes met mine and he refused to break contact, "But that doesn't mean you need to carry it on your own."
Joker always surprised me, one minute he'd be a prude, the next he was rebelling against my orders openly mocking me in front of superiors. He'd make blunt observations, pointed out a person's weaknesses in the harshest ways, avoided answering serious questions with snarky remarks and refused to accept anyone's help. And then he had moments like this, moments of complete seriousness where I was never sure if this was the real him, there were so many sides of Joker, so many faces and masks he chose to hide behind. Maybe this was just another one, another way for him to rile up his superior and get a rise out of me. But apart of me ached in a horrible way, it was that achey feeling you got when you knew there was so much more behind a simple glance, so much more behind such simple words but you wanted to continuously deny it, no matter how much you really wanted to accept it.
I would continue to deny it.
Denial was far easier than accepting things that made no utter sense.
Why was it so hard to think of something to say? There was nothing more brutal than the silence between us, he was expecting me to say something back, I could just tell. But I had nothing. I would open my mouth only to close it once more. I felt like a child once more, unable to come up with a lie about how my little brother had gotten a black eye…The things I thought were good enough to actually say slipped away from my tongue. Instead, I found myself push out of the seat, Joker seemed to have anticipated this, already extracting himself from his own seat. It had caught me off guard, how quickly he had pulled himself from his seat, what with his condition and all, I was surprised he hadn't broken a leg. I panicked though, tripping over myself and nearly falling. Catching myself on the back of the seat, I steadied myself and tried to leave the bridge.
"Lynn!"
It was the first time in a long time that I had heard anyone call me that. He caught my arm, pulling me back over towards him. Another surprise, he had quite the grip. I could feel my heart skip beats, having never been at such a disadvantage with a man. Then again I've never found myself in such a situation before. "J-Joker…This is highly inappropriate!"
He cocked a brow, "Then what do you call all your time with Kaidan?"
He may as well have slapped me, that's what it had felt like. "Fuck you."
"Ouch, here I am trying to be all heartfelt and you go and ruin the moment." There was a brief glint in his eyes as he spoke, but that was all, there was no smile, smirk or smug smartass look upon his face denoting this all to be a joke. Even though it was happening, my mind failed to grasp it. How I could deny this was rather amazing to be honest, he was standing there, holding tight to my arm, looking at me in a way I thought only Kaidan did when he thought I wasn't paying any attention. But despite the obvious, I was denying reality. Joker wasn't really standing there being anything but Joker, and I was finally having a dream that didn't end with a scream stuck in my throat.
"Lieutenant, I order you to unhand me this instant or else-"
"Drop the ranks for a minute won't you," His grip didn't lessen and if anything I had just managed to piss him off. I really wasn't the Commander I thought I was, was I really just going to stand there and let my pilot do…do…I don't even know what he was attempting to do to begin with. Any other person who had grabbed me like that had found themselves swiftly brought to the ground with a near broken arm behind their back and my knee in their spine. At the moment I would have liked to think the only reason I hadn't done that to my pilot was the fact that doing so could break him and I'd be left without the best damned pilot in the galaxy. But I wasn't stupid, even though I was utterly lost didn't mean I didn't fully comprehend what I was letting go on. There was a small part of me that had wanted this, "There's no one around for you to impress."
My mouth opened as I thought of something to say, but, as I looked at him I felt it disappear. My body acted on it's own, muscles relaxing, tension subsiding. He noted this and lessened his grip, but not enough to actually let me go. He was determined to say whatever it was he was going to say and he wanted to make sure I heard it. "What are you getting at Joker?" Agitation in my voice, I was getting tired of running around in this cat-and-mouse game.
"I'd have to ask you the same thing," He furrowed his brow.
"Whatever it is you want to say, just say it! Stop leaving me hanging on your every word, it's driving me nuts!" I growled through gritted teeth, not wanting to raise my voice more than necessary in an attempt to not draw unwanted attention.
"Oh yes, because I'm the one driving you nuts." He said with an air of sarcasm, "You think I don't take notice to the things you do?" My mouth hung partially open as I went to ask what he meant, but he cut me off, "I'm so sure Kaidan's Mr. Prince Charming and all, the guy you go to when you want to hear pretty words and have meaningful conversations with, but I'm not an idiot Shepard." A bitter smile upon his face, "You don't run to Kaidan like you run to me."
I looked away from him as quickly as I could, his statement causing a pang of panic to hit me and once again I tried to break away from him, which he merely just tightened his grip once more. I'd be an idiot if I said I had no idea what he was talking about. Actually, I knew full well where this conversation was going and it made me very uncomfortable. Already I was conflicted, wanting to run, just like I had done so many times before and just deny anything and everything. But, I wanted to see where this went, what was going to happen? It's not like I had much choice to begin with, but, had I really wanted to, I could have left. I'm not a silly little girl that's easily taken advantage of so easily. I was just a lonely woman, seeking friends so she wouldn't feel so bad about herself anymore, and instead let herself get too carried away and probably started playing a game with people who were only here because she dragged them into it.
That's who I was.
I tried to convince myself, there was nothing there for either of them. I didn't feel anything for Alenko, sure he was handsome and charming and eloquent, a good man to have at your back in a firefight, but there really wasn't anything there. At least not on my side. But what about Joker? No, there was nothing for Joker. He was my pilot, the best of them and he was someone I was able to confide in when I felt I couldn't go to anyone else. I kept him company and he listened, he would talk when he felt the need, say something to make me smile. Joker was a different kind of guy, he wasn't afraid to question my orders and he wasn't afraid to call bullshit. He was cocky, remarkably self-assured and he refused to take help from anyone. When I was angry, he was there to level with me and tell me to get a hold of myself and save that anger for the Geth and Saren. When I was sad, Joker would be there to offer a shoulder and some smartass comment that would make me forget what I was moping about. When I was confused and conflicted, Joker was there to provide his own insight, which I found remarkably valuable. The more I thought about it, the more and more his statement made sense, and the stupider I felt. I kept telling myself every time I'd start to feel something that there was nothing there and I was just imagining it. Joker only did those things because I was his superior, he was just trying to make sure I didn't lose my head. That was all…but that would never explain why I felt so comfortable around him, it would never explain why I was so willing to quickly drop ranks and just be myself around him.
He was right.
"Joker…I-"
"I can't compete with a guy like Kaidan." He shook his head, "So if this is just a game to you, fine, but I don't want to be apart of it."
My eyes cast down to the ground, I had nothing to say to that. What could I say? The longer I stayed silent, the more agitated he grew. Finally he let go of my arm, throwing his hands up in the air, "Fine, we're done here. Guess you can go back to being Commander again." Joker maneuvered his way back into his seat, going back to his regular routine, leaving me standing there, completely speechless.
Just walk away Shepard, just walk away, let it drop…
I took careful steps towards his seat.
"Look Commander, you don't have to worry about it. We can just go back to normal and pretend I never said any-"
Leaning down beside him, bringing my body down close to his, my hands moving on their own. One hand upon his shoulder, fingertips grazing over the material of his shirt until they touched the bare skin of his arm. I really had no idea what I was doing, instead just giving in and letting my body do whatever it felt to be natural, and this, my fingers brushing over his face against the roughness of his beard, watching his eyes turn to mine mixed what could be dozens of different emotions…well it just felt right. Definitely not what I felt around Kaidan. I caught a smile starting to tug at the corner of his lips as he pulled me closer to him, his face only an inch or two from my own. My heart was aflutter and his hands upon me only made it beat faster and harder.
Joker tilted his head upwards, his lips nearly against mine. He meant to kiss me and I was more than willing to let it happen. I had broken many regs in the span of a small amount of time ever since joining this ship and her crew, what was another one?
He was so close, are lips nearly touching when the silence of the bridge was broken by several loud, consecutive beeps. Quickly I pulled away, Joker letting out a groan of despair as he let his head fall back against the seat in frustration. The pilot turned his attention quickly to the console, leaning forward and pressing several keys bringing up a detailed screen of a planet. I stood behind his chair in my usual spot, arms folded over my chest as I attempted to calm myself, cease my heart from trying to break out of my chest.
"Wh-" I began to speak, cringing as my voice sounded remarkably high-pitched from all the nervous, jittery feelings I was experiencing at the moment. Clearing my throat, I tried again, "What is it?"
He looked over his shoulder up at me, an unclear expression upon his face, "We'll be hitting Virmire within the half hour."
The giddy, happy feelings quickly sunk into my stomach upon hearing 'Virmire'. I forced a nod, shifting uncomfortably. "Keep a steady course. If anything happens I want to be informed asap."
"Aye aye Commander."
I thought it would be harder to slide back into my usual 'All Business' way of acting, but it was surprisingly easy. The time for breaking regs was over, even Joker knew this, but it still didn't stop me from hesitating from walking away. "So…"
He looked away from me, going back to his screen, "Soooo, you should go blow some shit up and when you get back…you know where to find me."