A/N: This story is dedicated to all the girls at the Babe_Squad Yahoo Group who kept me up till 4am, thanks to the hilarious string of conversations that started over my innocent post 'Bulgari Disappointment'. I took the liberty of using a few direct quotes, hope no one minds. I just couldn't ignore such great material! So here's to Mari, Kathy, Sue, Gayle, Connie, Sarah, Lisa, and Amber. Enjoy!
JE owns the characters, I own the fantasies.
I don't know why I even bothered to leave my apartment this morning. I should've known when my shower massager broke, the top button of my jeans wouldn't close, and my coffee maker exploded coffee all over my counter, that this would be a day better spent hiding out in bed. But when have I ever been one to take a clue?
I'd wasted hours trying to pick up a few skips, but with sleet swirling about and a permanent layer of frost on everyone's windshields, it seemed even my skips were smarter than me and kept to themselves. Contemplating the pointlessness of it all, I also decided that I'd hate to be a person wearing glasses on a day like today. If windshields were this bad, imagine having to chip ice off your face.
At quarter after four I motored my way to the bonds office for a little communal commiseration. When I opened the door, Lula's heated voice came pouring out the door.
"Alright, so I probably shouldn't have said 'That's it?", but dang if I couldn't stop myself. And he seemed so damn proud of himself afterwards, too. Then he left to go on a run and I locked him out. He was so fine too, but I need me a real man, not no fingerling!" she finished with a huff.
Connie shrugged and said, "Men who are good looking are never good in bed because they never had to be."
Had I stopped to think about it, I probably wouldn't have gone down this road, but my mouth asked the question anyway. "Fingerling?"
Lula looked at me like a like I was a sheltered little white girl. "Yeah, like a penis, only smaller."
Connie, who had been avidly listening while sipping something through a straw, made the mistake of snorting, which then led to coughing and spewing while laughing. As Lula reached across the desk and grabbed the straw from Connie's cup, she said, "Girl you don't know how to handle the straw. This here straw needs to be treated with respect."
Confused, I looked at the object in Lula's hand and felt my eyebrows shoot up when I realized what I was looking at.
"Is that a penis straw?" I squeaked.
"Sure is. This here has high entertainment value for watching pruny faced prudes while you suck it."
I was so fascinated that I ripped it from Lula's grasp.
"Are you really that desperate? I think you gave me balls burn, you grabbed it so fast!"
Barely recovered from the coke in her nose, Connie's giggles turned into full fledged hysteria now. Looking back and forth between the rather detailed dick and balls in my hand and the indignant look on Lula's face while she looked at her hand, I finally let the day roll off me and lost myself in a fit of laughter.
"Well I'm glad you both find that thing entertaining," Lula interrupted, "but AS I WAS SAYING, I need something more substantial than that penis straw to keep me satisfied. I tell you what, men need to come with a size label."
I couldn't stop myself. The conversation sucked me in. In my best attempt to channel my inner innocent and pure self, I voiced, "Oh, you're a 4? Sorry, I'm looking for an 8 or 9. Next!"
"That's what swimming pools are for," Connie explained. "Get a guy in the water and see if any corn-on-the-cobs float to the surface. Hard to be sneaky in swim trunks."
"Too bad they don't got a website for ordering men to spec."
"I'll take a size 8 and silent please," Connie muttered through a barely recovered exhale.
Lula smiled and said, "I'll order you Igor the Mute. He's 6'3", built like a shithouse, and has a 9 3/4 inch penis. Will that work for you?"
Barely able to speak now, she responded with, "Might as well throw in a few talents while we're at it." Gasp for air, "How about does laundry naked, likes to share adult bedtime stories and can breathe threw his eyelids?"
Although I had a pretty good idea, I thought I'd uphold my innocent and pure persona and questioned, "Breathe threw his eyelids?"
Even Lula was gasping for breath as she clued me in, "That way he can stay down there for hours without needing to be comin' up for air!"
Even I blushed at that.
"And silent, who wants silent?" Lula piped in. "I'll give him a script and he can be learning the only English I want to hear! So long as he understands the meaning of faster and harder."
"And the word 'Yes'." Connie added.
Giggling, I added, "And calls me 'Babe'."
And just like that, all laughing stopped and two sets of eyes and opened mouths were focused on me. Shit, why did I say that? What was I thinking? Obviously I was thinking of a live-action Ranger doll. This is so not a good thing! For whatever reason, the V-8 commercials came to mind and I was tempted to flick myself in the head and say, "Should've had a V8". Probably good that I didn't.
Connie and Lula looked at each other and I swear they did the same stupid ESP thing that all the men in my life could do. Lula was selected as Indian chief to ask THE question.
"You want Batman big time. It's time to spill it, Steph, what the heck is going on with you two?"
Giving up on the innocent approach, I settled for a Jersey-girl eye-roll and went with denial instead. "There is nothing going on." And boy wasn't that the truth. I'd been flying solo for nearly two months now.
"You might have been solo for the last two months, but I'd bet a hundred bucks on Sidney's Candy at the Derby this year that if you just said the word you'd have men flooding out of your basement to be with you." Whether you're a fan of horse racing or not, the Kentucky Derby is the one horse race that everybody bets on.
"You've got so many hunky men following you around, the least you could do is share. Spread the love around."
"If I happen to have hunky men following me around, it's only because they're being paid to be there, because they're bailing me out, or because they're enjoying the Stephanie Plum show!"
Despite the truth of it, I took a small moment to picture all the hot men in my life and what it would be like to really have them at my beck and call. I had a flash of me sneaking into a basement late at night and hopping on for a free ride while a beautiful, hard body beneath me let me take advantage, none the wiser come morning. The image gave me chills.
"Still," Lula said. "You wouldn't find me complaining. And since I'm such a good friend and all, you bet your ass I'd be spreading the love around to my girls. I'm a sharer."
Connie looked incredulous as she asked, "You mean to tell me that if you had Ranger locked in your basement, you'd let him out to play?"
She thought about that and then broke into a smile and said, "Nope. Guess not. Maybe one of the other Merry Men I'd be willing to time-share."
"Like who?"
"Hmm." She was clearly thinking long and hard and finally gave up the struggle. "Maybe Cal. His skull tattoo freaks me out just a little bit."
"Well as long as we're claiming, I'm keeping Woody to myself." Connie couldn't entirely keep the blush for her cheeks when she realized what she'd admitted.
Lula practically snorted. "Doesn't really matter though because it's not my basement they're all chained up in. Might as well call Steph here the Bone Collector. She's the one with the basement collection."
"Who you keeping in your basement, Babe?"
My heart jumped to my hairline when I heard Ranger's voice. Somebody pleeeease tell me that he hadn't overheard this conversation. "N-nobody," I stuttered.
Five seconds of complete silence and then, "Well in case you're ever tempted, might I suggest the loft instead?" He held my gaze and deadpanned, "The view is better from the top."
Completely against my will, my mouth fell open and my eyebrows joined my heart at the top of my forehead.
He stepped closer and my mouth went dry. With the lightest touch of his index finger, he nudged my jaw closed and dropped his hand back to his side. I could smell the unique mix of Bulgari and Ranger and wanted to rub up against him like a bitch in heat. Lucky for me, I was frozen in place, so I couldn't accomplish that embarrassing action. I couldn't force myself to look away, but I'm sure the girls were equally frozen, watching the car crash unfold.
"Earth to Babe. I came to talk to you about an out of state job."
"Mmmk." I should be a diplomat with speech skills like these.
"Got a skip who jumped coasts and thought you might like to go to California with me."
Was I hearing this right? Ranger was asking me to go on a sun-filled vacation with him? Well, ok, that might be a stretch, but selective hearing has its benefits. I was a little breathy when I asked, "Where in California," so it actually came out sounding more like, "Where is California?"
"On the West Coast. Close to Oregon, Nevada, Arizona. Lots of sunshine. Occasional earthquakes. Lots of oceans. Disneyland and other amusement parks. Then there's Hollywood. Of course, lots of pools to skinny dip in. Lots of nice restaurants. And did I mention close to Vegas?"
Great. Ranger humor. If I wasn't busy picturing Ranger in a Speedo at the beach, and then Ranger without the Speedo…I might have laughed.
"Think about it," was all he said before he disappeared out the back to join the mist.
The office stayed silent for at least an entire minute as we all enjoyed our private fantasies. Except for me, because my fantasy quickly turned to horror as I replayed the last five minutes.
In what I can only imagine was meant to be comforting, Connie said, "Things could always be worse. You could be naked and riding a donkey with a hot guy while drunk on moonshine and playing poker."
I had no idea what that actually meant, but I didn't think it sounded all that bad at the moment.