Cosmic Love
A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind
Stanford was better then a dream. It was everything Sam had spent so long wishing for, and a million more things he could have never dreamt. He had endless books to read, and gain knowledge from. Classes that stimulated new parts of his brilliant mind, and assignments that wanted to know his thoughts as if they could change the world. It had people he could call friends, and be able to see a month later. He had a place to call home year round. It had freedom and normalcy, the sweetest taste to ever quench his deepest hunger.
However it still left him wanting Something. Something he couldn't quite put his finger on or touch, but rather it was something he could always feel. Lingering like a pit in his gut. That is until she crashed into his life. Like a comet impacting earth, she would change the landscape forever.
It was a hot late spring day, a little muggy from the off shore flow. The sun hung blindly high with piercing rays as Sam left his second class of the day. Nose deep in a book, a place easily his second home. Making his way to his next class, it was no surprise he couldn't see two steps ahead of himself when he slammed into her.
Books and papers flew into the warm air as if they were confetti in a parade. Hearing her surprised gasp as they crashed together, Sam instinctively reached for her. Wrapping the stranger and the victim of his careless lack of attention into his arms before she hit the cement walkway. Pulling her close to him in one swift movement until she could find her feet again. Sam was blown away when he finally got a good at her.
The sight of her literally stole the breath from his lips as Sam stared fully captivated by the girl tangled up in his arms. Stunning didn't even begin to touch her. Radiant was barely a description.
Lost like a fool on her image, suddenly Sam realized how all those songs about California girls were true, because even with the blindly sun raining down on her she glowed ten times brighter.
"You can let me go me now." The girl whispered as the sweetest smile shot across her shapely lips, and shot him through the heart.
Snapping out of his haze, Sam's cheeks flushed with embarrassed as his arms quickly untangled their hold on the girl, and he stepped back to give her room. "I'm sorry… for running into you… and, and grabbing you." The boy who had words refined down to an art, who could speak his mind logically and articulately, who could express his heart like poetry, suddenly found himself tongue tied in her presence.
Something danced in her ocean blue eyes as she listened to his bumbled speech. Her smile growing wider as if she was tempted to laugh by the amusement he brought.
Like the gentleman he was, Sam quickly squatted down, and retrieved their items from the ground they had fallen to.
Rising to his feet the image of her froze him again, like ice in the snow and she was the winter storm. Sam had never seen anything so perfect. The gentleness of her baby blue eyes had him imaging gazing into them for hours as she told him her every secret. Her adorable mole placed just between her eyebrows, he could glimpse himself kissing it goodnight just before she'd slip off to sleep beside him. Her perfect button nose, he could almost feel brushing his own as they cuddled close. Her breathtakingly soft shapely lips he could imagine kissing tenderly without ever getting enough.
Snapping from his daze as her eyebrows knitted closer together, and concern began to touch her eyes, Sam realized he had to get it together. Swallowing hard, he handed back her books, and prayed he could form actual words when he opened his mouth to speak. "I'm Sam," He managed to slip from his lips without making a bigger fool of himself.
"Nice to meet you, Sam. I'm Jess." She answered back with a smile full of interest as her delicate hand extended out to his. Sam's larger thick hand met her half way, and when they touched he knew he was truly a goner.
Sam had been wanting something, missing something he could never quite get a grasp on, but on that day, the moment he met Jess, Sam knew he found it. It was her he had been missing. A girl he had never met before. A girl who was the missing piece to fill the gap. A girl Sam knew would show him the true definition of meant to be, of love. Knowing he'd finally found her, something inside him felt vulnerable and needy, as if he had to have her or he'd die. Looking at her beautiful face that felt like heaven, Sam felt peace wash over him, because he knew no matter what happened from that day on nothing could ever be that bad as long as he had her… Jess.
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
They had moved in together barely three months ago. A whirl wind romance as some would call it. The magnetism between them was like a force field, electric and strong. Two puzzle pieces that fit so perfectly together there was no point in denying it. He was sweet and soft like a giant teddy bear, but even Jess had discovered behind those sensitive whiskey eyes secrets lie in wait. Secrets she thought with time he would open up about, but as the days passed the truth became all too clear. There where places inside Sam he would never let her know.
It was a quiet afternoon when feathers got ruffled, and locked doors made their presence known. Jess had found a baby picture of Sam surrounded by what she could only assume was his family, hidden at the bottom of his drawer. It never crossed her mind it would be a violation to bring the picture to his attention. She had no idea something as simple as a family photograph, like many she had of her own, would be considered a secret to him.
Finding Sam at the kitchen table, school work his best friend besides Jess scattered across the wooden top as he studied diligently.
Sneaking up behind her boyfriend, Jess wrapped loving arms around his neck. Her face nestled against the side of his head as she placed a quick affectionate peck on his temple, and brought the picture up to his eye line.
"Is this your family?" The sweet melody of her voice questioned full of interested curiosity. Jess hadn't noticed the way Sam went notably ridged with the sight of the photograph before she untangled from him, and moved about the room. "We should get it framed. Hang it on the wall…" She suggested with a bright little smile. Pleased by her idea of bringing a piece of Sam from his life before her into their place. "What about here?" She asked with a slight twinkle in her eye as she held the photo up to the wall already imagining it frame and placed.
Her peaceful moment of sentiment was tarnished as Sam quickly snatched the picture from her hands. Turning to face him with his swift brute action, Jess was surprised when she saw the heated fire burning in his whiskey eyes.
"Where'd you find that? I told you to stay out of my stuff!" Sam ordered, his burly deep tone rising against her in a way he had never before.
"I found it by accident. I didn't mean to, I wasn't searching your…" Jess quickly tried to apologize. Startled by the harsh anger she had unleashed, and was still confused by what she had done to provoke.
"Just don't mess with my stuff." Sternly his voice barked cutting her off. Jess was a tall girl, but still Sam towered over her with blazing whiskey eyes full of warning. Her breath picked up as her heart stung in her chest just before Sam turned away from her.
Staring at his back, Jess felt so burned she was sure her skin should be scorched. There he was again, the guy she didn't know. The one who wouldn't let her in, and in these moments when he made his presence known Jess wondered how the Sam she loved and this person could possibly be the same. Her Sam was open, thoughtfully, and loving. He wanted to know everything about her, discover every nook and cranny to her depths. He wanted to stare endlessly into her eyes as if he could see into her soul. He wanted to cuddle her close for hours on end without asking for anything more. He wanted to make love to her all night torturously slow and deliriously tender until the sun peaked on the horizon, but this person wasn't her Sam. No, he was someone different. Someone Sam wouldn't let her know past an occasional outburst and emotional shut out.
Picture in hand, Sam let his eyes fall closed as he cringed. He hated being like that with her. Firm, rude, selfish, but Sam couldn't let Jess find out who he was before Stanford. How he was raised. His bleeding heart just knew if she found out about the things he had lived and done she'd run for the hills as fast as her long lean legs could take her. Sam couldn't loose her. Jess was the best thing that had ever happened to him. He had turned a page in his life, convinced himself whatever happened before her didn't matter, and was forgotten. And Sam truly believed that until the past came back to haunt him in unforeseen moments like this one. That left him so desperate to bury them as quickly as possible that he found himself lashing out in a way he didn't mean.
Hearing Jess's shuttered breath at his back, knowing he had hurt her feelings, Sam's heart broke. Folding the picture in two, Sam shoved it in his back jean pocket as he turned to face her. First thing he spotted was the tears pooled and shining in her beautiful blue eyes. The sight of them so powerful it sucked the breath from his lips.
Without hesitation, Sam reached for Jess, and pulled her against him. Embraced loving and secure in his arms, Sam let out a sigh of relief when he felt her arms tangle around him in return. "I'm sorry," He whispered against the crown of her soft golden locks as her face lie buried deep in his chest. "…I'm sorry."
And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then, it stopped, and I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became
They had been together just over a year when Sam's curse of the twenty second year came to find him. No where to run, no where to hide, fate always finds you.
Sam could see it, feel it, touch it. Lying on their bed, his head lay against the comforter, eyes closed for a moment of peace against the exhaustion he felt inside. Then he felt it, almost like a tapping on his forehead. It felt like liquid, thick, creamy, and warm. His face twitched with the assault before his whiskey eyes flew open to behold a sight his mind couldn't even comprehend. There she was… his Jess… his beautiful Jess. Pinned to the ceiling, a gaping wound on her abdomen with deep crimson blood speared all around it. Mouth agape as her startling blue eyes pierced down on him with a million indescribable words.
"No!" Sam hollered, the desperation echoed from everything inside him as his body shot up on the bed.
Like a match to an accelerant, she bursts into flames. Orange and red burning flames danced across the ceiling, turning her beautiful hair and limbs to embers in the blink of an eye. An inferno so hot Sam could feel the heat on his skin.
"Jess!" Sam hollered louder as if his cries were powerful enough to build a ladder that he could climb, and pull her into the safety of his arms, saved from her demise. The fire was spreading quickly down the walls as Sam lie frozen on their bed unable to move. Part of him contemplating just staying there with her so they could turn to dust together.
Sam's arm covered his face against the burning heat of the flames as they neared him. His mouth opened wide as her name escaped hoarse with desperation one last time. "Jess!"
Then he could hear it, faint against the ciaos of the moment, his name being called. "Sam! … Sam!" He could feel hands on him, grabbing, pulling.
Deep, terrified whiskey eyes shot open as the darkness of their bedroom blinded him, and her quiet worried breath could be heard from the bed beside him. "Sam," Jess quickly called for him with growing concern as she softly shook his arm again.
Shooting up in bed, his breath was panting and wild as Sam scanned the four walls of their room trying to gather is bearings. The sweat drenched on his body instantly felt cold against the chilled air in the room.
"Sam?" Sitting up in bed next to him, Jess softly tried again as her hand reached out, and soothingly tucked a strand of his loose bangs behind his ear.
Reality settling back in, Sam realized it was just another dream. A nightmare to be exact. One so vivid it terrified him to his core and left him rattled beyond words. Turning to her, His beloved, Sam spotted her deep blue eyes focused upon him with worry as she snuggled closer to his side to comfort him. The sight of her brought relief words can't touch as a frantic feeling rushed through him to touch her, and feel her, to know she was really there.
Diving against her, Sam wrapped Jess in his strong arms. His face buried in the crook of her neck as her curly hair tickled his nose, he took deep desperate gulps of her sweet scent.
Jess's loving arms held him tightly in return as she whispered soothingly against his muddy water hair. "It's ok… it's ok." She hushed him in the dark.
Finally catching his breath, Sam pulled back just enough to find the comforting beauty of her face. His hand found her soft cheek and cupped it as his gaze got lost in the comfort of her eyes.
"It was just a dream… It was just a dream." Sam reassured her with a heavy burdened breath, but he was really reassuring himself. A gentle smile of confirmation found Jess's mouth as she nodded in agreement.
In that moment, feeling the way she swelled in his heart. Feeling the way she was home to him in every sense of the word, Sam needed her. Needed to feel her near, and wanted to show her how much he loved her. How he'd never take the gift she was to him for granted.
Leaning in close Sam kissed Jess tenderly soft on her lips. Saying without words she was the air he breathed. She kissed him back with just as much love. Surrendering to the moment, their arms entangled as Sam held Jess desperately close, and they fell back down on their bed. Sam kissed his girl until he was sure she was senseless from the assault. As she lie safe from his nightmares beneath him, as his lips slipped down her smooth neck to shower her with his love, Sam made a promise to himself. That he'd keep her safe. That he'd do anything to protect her, because she was The One. The one he wanted to spend forever with, the one he couldn't live without. He knew he'd call her his wife one day. He had known it the first moment he met her, he was even more sure now.
I took the stars from my eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you
Everything had been perfect besides the plaguing nightmares of Jess's demise that haunted Sam countless nights. They were settled as a couple, they were happy. So happy Sam had secretly gone ring shopping more then once. A ring still not chosen. Sam had never found anything special enough, anything worthy of her. So he waited until the right ring appeared, because he knew he couldn't give her anything less then the one meant for her, since she was the one meant for him.
Normalcy was the name of the game until crazy became the game in town. A rustling in the night had started it all. Fear for Jess's safety, and his overpowering protective streak toward his girl had been what drew Sam from his bed that night. Getting tackled to the hardwood floor by what he thought was an intruder who turned out to be his older brother was quite the surprise. Especially since he was the last person Sam expected to find lurking in his apartment in the early morning hours.
It had been over two years since they spoke. So when Dean explained he was looking for a beer, Sam hardly bought it. When he pressed his brother for the real explanation of his unannounced visit Jess appeared, flicking on the lights before Dean could reveal the truth.
It took every ounce of restraint Sam had not to tell his brother where to shove it when he unabashed and blatantly proceeded to come onto Jess in no uncertain terms. Watching his girlfriend squirm a little under his brother's suggestive remark about her pajama's had Sam letting out a heated huff to Dean's audacity. So it was no surprise that when Dean wanted to get to the point, and have a private talk, Sam wasn't having it. Dean had been gone too long to know Jess was his life now. A woman he planned to marry, and if his brother had something to say to him, he could say it in front of her.
Sam watched something almost surprised flash across his brother's emerald eyes, before Dean said the two magic words that reminded Sam just where his roots lay hidden… "Hunting Trip". With those simple, vague words Sam found himself quickly requesting a private moment with his brother as he watched his old forgotten life come speeding at him like a freight train. Threatening to blow over him, and everything he had built if he wasn't careful.
Downstairs next to the Impala parked on the street, his childhood home, is where Sam found privacy with his brother. Evidence of a ghost was put on showcase, his father's last message played on a cheap handheld recorder. Sam resisted the hook Dean dangled in front of him to come along. Sam had a different life now, a better one, but seeing the fear for their father hinged in Dean's eyes Sam knew he couldn't turn his back on him. Dad may have left him to the waste side when Sam went to college, and Dean may have been a distant memory the past two years, but they were still his family. The only ones he had.
Packing a quick bag, Sam was vague on his lie to Jess about where he was headed. He hated lying to her, it always felt sick in his gut, but the walls he had built around his old life since the first day they went out, Sam knew he couldn't bring them down now.
There was worry and concern in her stunning blue eyes as he went to leave. Sam promised her everything was going to be alright, and parted with a quick affectionate peck on her cheek. The sight of her worries stung so sharply in his heart it sent his feet moving faster out the door.
Seated in the Impala passenger seat, whose leather seats still smelt the same, Sam settled in. Trying to find a comfortable spot. As the muscle car's engine roared with the turn over an all consuming memory of his torturous nightmares flashed through Sam's mind like a premonition. Jess, his angel pinned to the ceiling. Blood dripping from her wounded belly onto his skin, Sam could still almost feel it even now. The way her eyes pierced down on him.
"Why Sam? …Why?" The echoing ominous voice taunted and pleaded with him. Sam heard it, and knew it was Jess, but he never actually saw her mouth move before the flames consumed her.
Sam snapped out of his memory, his heart pounding in his chest, as his breath picked up it's pace. A panic filled his heart. It screamed demandingly at him… "Don't leave her, you'll regret it until your last breath!" Chills rippled under Sam's skin as the moment unfolded profound and prophetic in a way he couldn't explain, and yet couldn't deny. Following his heart, his big beautiful heart that never led him wrong, Sam erupted. "Wait! I forgot something!" He hollered out of the blue as the wheels began to roll on the asphalt.
Dean slammed on the breaks with the pitch and abruptness in his brother's voice.
"What?" Dean questioned his sappy hearted little brother with narrowed eyes of skepticism as if it was a beloved blankie he had left behind, and couldn't live without.
His big brother's tone didn't even filter through past the path his heart had already taken, and was now charging down. Opening the heavy car door, Sam explained briefly as he stepped out of the car. "The most important thing."
Racing back up the steps to his apartment, Sam didn't know what he was doing. Had he suddenly decided to tell her the truth about him? The entire truth, let her know the brutality of his past, and hope she still wanted him at the end of it all? Knocking on their front door, Sam let out a heavy breath. Unsure he was prepared to reveal it all, put their love on the line, but ready or not he couldn't leave her. Of that he was certain.
Jess opened the door in a matter of seconds. A smile danced across her face, happy to see him. "You forget something?" She asked as her eyebrow arched up with question in the cutest of ways that always got to him.
The sight of her beautiful face, and the way he could see her love for him in her eyes reassured Sam. It gave him the final push he needed. Reaching out he softly cupped her cheek, his thumb giving it a gentle stroke. "You… You're coming with me." Sam answered breathless and lost in her eyes before his lips fell to hers in a tender kiss. A kiss that showed he loved her with every breath he took, and he meant it when he promised himself he'd do anything to protect her. That he'd keep her safe by his side. Including telling her who he was, and now locked in her lips, Sam was finally ready.
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
"Cosmic Love" Florence & The Machine
The End