Chapter 1

"Good-bye, Christian," she murmurs.

I look at Ana, and I shortly wonder if she can see the agonizing pain that shoots through me. "Ana, good-bye," I say softly and watch how the elevator doors are closing. I tear my eyes from the elevator and walk into the kitchen. I pour myself a glass of wine and wanders back to my study. I take place behind my desk and turn on my computer. I need to think on something else than Ana – and what's better then work?

I take a sip of the wine, but somehow it tastes different than usual. I quickly shakes my head – it's only my imagination. Stop it Grey, I scold at myself. I quickly shake my head again and opens my e-mail. There's various mails from Ros, Barney, Welch and some from people I don't know – people who are asking for money for this and that, and people who wishes to work with me. I'm reading the mails, but I'm not reading them at the same time.

"Well, you are one fucked-up son of a bitch... You need to sort your shit out, Grey!" Ana's last words to me inside my playroom – they keep lingering in my mind. I lean back in my seat and drag my hand through my hair and let out a lout sigh. Fuck – what's happening to me? I've never fucking felt this way before in my entire life. Not even when one of my previous subs decided to end our contract. Pull you're shit together Grey, my inner voice is telling me. Forget her, she's not worth it. She was just like everyone else you've fucked – a little brown-haired bitch that look like your crack whore mother." I tell my inner voice to fuck of. In a couple of days Ana will be out of my system and I will be on the hunt for a new sub – and this time I'll pick someone who already is an established submissive.

I'm sitting on the dirty carpet and I can smell the smoke and the booze. Mommy is sleeping on the sofa – I can't wake her up, and I'm hungry and thirsty. "Mommy, wake up Mommy." I can hear boots nearing the door and I quickly hide under the table. But I'm not alone there. She is lying there too."Ana, baby, wake up Ana."I shake her violently but she doesn't wake up. She's bruised and battered. Suddenly she opens her eyes and she's looking at me. "Look what you've done to me, you son of a bitch – look at me!"

It's now the third night in a row I'm having this dream. I'm lying in bed all covered in sweat and my heart is pounding. I sit straight up and take a look at my digital watch on my night table – it's only 2.15 in the morning. I'll swing my feet out of the edge of the bed and place my face in my hands. Fuck – the nights Ana has slept on the other side of me, I've been nightmare-free, and now they're fucking back. Fucking Flynn will have a feel day about this when I see him later today. I need to clear my head so I head out into the bathroom, stripping down and step under the showers. The images of Ana's bruised and battered body hunts me. Have I destroyed her? Did I take the spanking too far? No fucking way, my inner voice tell my. You DID tell her about the punishment and why you were punishing her. I squeeze some of my shower gel out in my hands and soaps my body. I know I told Ana why I spanked her, but then again on the other side, she had made it pretty damn clear, that she hated the thought of being spanked. Stop it Grey – if she had been a good submissive she would've taken the punishment quietly, but even you know that she didn't have a single submissive-gen in her body. "Fuck of," I snare at my inner voice and continues my bath.

I can't go back to sleep, because every time I close my eyes I see that fucking image of Ana. Therefore I walk out in my living room and place myself at the piano. Without I even know it my fingers begin to play 'Suffocation' by Chopin – this piece tells pretty clear how I'm feeling on the inside. How much longer will the memories of Ana linger in mind? A week? A month? I don't know, but I now I've never felt like this before. I finish the melody and starts over again – how many times I does that I don't know, but suddenly I can see the break of dawn outside my windows. I play the last node and moves over to the window. I run both my hands through my hair. This is going to be a fucking long day I wonder.

I walk into my study, to get some work done, but I find it difficult because I keep looking at the glider Ana gave me – it took me several hours to assemble that thing. Frustrated I slam the screen of my laptop down and leans over my desk and place my head on it. Fuck I hate myself. I have to stop denying the truth – and the truth is, I want her back. I want her back into my life.

"Mr. Grey?"

I blink my eyes open a couple of times and notice that the sun is up. I look up and see Mrs. Jones standing by my desk with a cup of coffee. "What's the time?" I ask and take the coffee.

"7.15, Sir," she says in her soft voice. "Would you like some breakfast, Mr Grey?"

I nod. "Yes the same as usual, Mrs Jones," I murmur and Mrs. Jones gives me a nod and a smile and leaves the study. I get up, stretches myself and suddenly my phone is ringing.

"Grey," I snaps into the phone.

"Hi Darling."

It's my mother. "Hi mom," I say in a softer voice. "Is there anything wrong?" I ask and wondering why she's calling my at this hour.

"No, nothing is wrong my Dear. I just have a little question for you. It's about the charity-dinner, you know 'Coping Together'."

Holy fuck. I've totally forgot about that charity-dinner, my parents have every year. "What's about that?" I ask.

"Well Darling, your father and I were wondering if you were bringing Ana," she says and I can hear the eagerness in her voice. Part of me want to say 'Of course', but given Ana have left me it will be stupid saying that and then turning up alone.

"I don't know, mom," I say. "But I'll ask her when I get a chance to see her."

"You sound like you don't see her anymore, Christian," she says and I can hear her curiosity has peaked.

"Mom, she's just started on her new job this week, and she want's to give a good expression," I tell her, hoping that will stop her. I don't want to tell her, that she's in fact has left me Saturday.

"Of course, just let me know when you know," she says and continues. "Talk to you soon my Dear. I have to run. Take care Christian."

"I will mom. Bye."

Mrs. Jones place my plate with my egg omelet on the breakfast bar and I eat it in silence. It's funny how quick you get used to that there's another person sitting beside you. I finish eating and I see that Taylor have emerged from his office.

"I'm ready to leave now, Taylor," I say and push my empty plate away from me.

Taylor gives me a small nod. "Sir," he says and walk towards the elevator doors. I quickly heads for my study to get my Black-Berry and then I head back to the elevator. Out in the kitchen Mrs. Jones is cleaning up after the breakfast.

"Have a nice day in the office, Mr. Grey," she says and give me a gentle smile. I just nod at her and step into the elevator.

Down in garage, Taylor is already sitting by the steering wheel, but as soon as he sees me, he steps out of the car to open the back door for me. I step in and get buckled up and Taylor gets the car moving.

I need to work out tonight, so that I, hopefully, will be so used and tired that I just will collapse on my bed and have a nice dream-less night. This mean that I won't be able to meet Dr. Flynn later tonight. I'll call his secretary, and if I can be there by noon, I can train after work – I accept.

I'm in a meeting with some future investors, but I just can't stop thinking on Ana. I wonder how her first days at Seattle Independent Publishing is progressing and if she still was mine, how we would celebrate in the evening. I'm brought back to the present by Ros.

"Christian, Mr. Monroe want's to see the company's figures," Ros says and she is looking from me over to Mr. Monroe.

I look from Ros to Mr. Monroe. "Yes, I'll have them sent over to your office, as soon as we're done here," I say and give Mr. Monroe a reassuring smile. I look back at Ros. "If there isn't more that need my attention, I'll leave the rest to you." I get up from my chair and offer my hand to Mr. Monroe to shake. "It was nice doing business with you."

Outside the meeting room, I head for Andrea's desk. She looks up from her screen when she hears me coming. "Andrea," I say in a firm voice. "I don't want to be disturbed in the next hour and a half, is that understood?"

"Yes, certainly Sir."

I give her a small nod, and with that I leave GEH and heads for Dr. Flynn's office.

"What's up Christian, since you're regular time sloth didn't fit in you're plans?" Dr. Flynn looks at me and sending me a smile.

Of all the therapists I've been to, Dr. Flynn is the only one that doesn't look at me as some kind of freak because of my lifestyle. Frankly it's none of their fucking business if I like to spank and fuck women.

"Christian, you look like someone who hasn't slept in a while. Are there trouble at work?"

I shake my head and run my fingers through my hair. "No, and I'm not having problems at work – I never have," I say a bit more harsh than I intended to. "I just need to work out this evening."

"I see," Flynn simply says. "Any particular reason?"

Fuck, where is he going with that? "I just have some extra energy to burn, OK," I say and hope that Flynn won't dig deeper into it. But I know he will – he's one of the best psychologist out there.

"I see. So you haven't found a new submissive yet?" he looks at me and raises one of his eyebrows. "How long has it been since Susannah?"

"Roughly four month," I say dryly. Dr. Flynn looks at me – astonished I think. I know that I usually have another submissive after maybe one and one and a half month. I have turned down quite a few that Elena introduced me to, due to... I don't no. None of them appealed to me. Not like Ana.

"That's new Christian," Flynn says and I can hear some amusement in his voice. "Any idea why?"

I look blankly at Dr. Flynn – debating with my self weather to tell him the truth or give him a lie. I remember what Dr. Flynn told me when I started seeing him almost two years ago. The SFBT – or to put in other words; Solution Focused Brief Therapy. He said that I have to look at myself and picture me in a place that I want to be at. And right now the only fucking place that I want to be, is with Ana.

"Well?" Dr. Flynn looks at me with raised eyebrows.

I run my hand through my hair and let out a loud sigh. "Susannah wasn't my last submissive – as such," I mumble and look up to meet Dr. Flynn's glance.

"Oh," he says surprised and he raises his eyebrow again. "I'm choked, Christian. But why do you say 'at such'?"

"I met a young girl, and I wanted to have her as my submissive, but I found out that not only was she inexperienced in a BDSM relationship, but she was also inexperienced sexual. She was different than the others I had in the past, she got under my skin pretty quickly, and I have even done things with her outside my playroom, that I never have done with anyone before." I don't know why I'm babbling like this, but it feels good to talk about it.

Dr. Flynn tilts his head to one side and looks at me. "I must say that you surprise me, Christian. How and when did you two meet?"

I furrow at him and wonder why he need to know this. "I meet her on the 05/10 when she had to interview me for her collage newspaper."

Dr. Flynn nods and take some notes. "And what was it, that you did with her, that you haven't done with the other ones?"

I look up at the ceiling. "I flew her from Portland, where she lived at that time, to Seattle in my helicopter, I introduced her for my family, I flew to Georgia to be with her, I flew with her in a glider also in Georgia, and I... eh," I stop and look back at Dr. Flynn.

Dr. Flynn is gesturing with his hands, for me to keep going. "Keep going Christian. I'm intrigued."

Again I run my hands through my hair. "I slept with her in the same bed and I had just normal and plain sex with her." I stand up from the couch and begin to pace up and down the floor behind the couch.

"Wow, Christian," Dr Flynn says with awe in his voice. "A lots of firsts. Any idea why?"

I look at him and shrugs. "I don't now. I've thought about that in the last month, when we were together."

Dr. Flynn places his notebook down on his lap. "Christian, forgive me for stopping you, but I couldn't avoid noticing you said 'were together'. What do you mean with that?"

Oh fuck – I notice too late, that I've said too much. I turn around, looking out the window, not willing to look at Flynn. "She left me on Saturday."

"Why?" Dr. Flynn asks.

I lean my head against the window and let out at sigh. "We were goofing around my apartment Saturday, and then she want's me to punish her with a belt, so she can figure out if she can handle the pain – therefore I hit her with a leather belt. She totally freaked out and one hour later, she left me." I slowly turn around, facing Dr. Flynn.

Dr. Flynn is just looking at me for a few seconds. "Christian, sorry for being blunt, but have this girl at any point let you know how she felt about punishment?"

I slowly nod and sits down on the couch again. "She told me, that the thought of being punished frightened her and I told her, that we would take it slow."

"I see," he says and write something in his notebook. "At this point, how long have the two of you been in this kind of relationship?"

I shrug, but in my head I count the days. "Almost 14 days," I say dryly.

Dr. Flynn lets out a snort. "That's not taking it slow, Christian. Especially when she's not used to that lifestyle."

I look at him, thinking about what he's saying. To be honest, I haven't thought about it that way. The more I think about it, the more sense it all makes – I went too far too fast.

"Christian, may I ask you something?" Flynn asks me. I nod. "How did you feel after she left you? It seems to me, that you had more feelings for her than you had for your previous submissives."

"I felt empty," I say and scratched my neck."I felt like there was something missing in my life. I keep thinking of her, and I even haunted by her in my dreams. If I could turn back time, I would – I want her back, but it's impossible because I hurt her."

"No, Christian," Dr. Flynn shakes his head. "Nothing is impossible. Some things are hard and difficult to get through, but often it's worth it." He gives me a reassuring smile. "If you really want her back in your life, you have to come to turns with certain things. Things like she isn't to BDSM and therefore she will not comply to your set of rules." He looks at his watch and then back at me. "Our time is almost up, but I will advise you to think about this. You'll have to confront some of your own demons as you call them."

I get up from the couch and shake hands with Dr. Flynn. "I'll think about that, thank you John," I say and walk out the door.

I'm sitting by the piano at home that afternoon and keep playing Bach's 'Machello' over and over again. I've made up my mind – I will have Anastasia back in my life. I hope that she'll forgive me. Somehow I know she will, because she said that she loved me – even though I don't feel like I deserve her love – how can I? If she only knew why I hit and fuck women hard – the way I picture them as my biological mother, the crack whore, punishing her for her lack of parenting, for dieing on me, expose me for violence from her pimp and many other things. If Ana knew all this, she would have nothing to do with me at all. But I still need her in my life, so I stop playing and looking at the clock, its 17.05. I wonder when she's off work, and then I grasp my phone and dial the number to a florist.

"Pike Place Flowers, how may I help you?" a female voice is saying.

"Good evening. My name is Christian Grey, and I would like to send some flowers to a friend of mine."

"Of course, Sir. What kind?"

"I would like it to be two dozen long-stemmed white roses, please."

"Certainly, Sir. Anything else?"

I shortly think about that. "Yes, I would like you to write a card, that says: 'Congratulations on your first day at work. I hope it went well. And thank you for the glider, that was very thoughtful. It has pride a place on my desk. Christian'."

"Certainly, Sir, I'll fix that. To what address shall they be sent to?"

I give the florist Anastasia's address and my credit card information and hangs up. Now I just have to keep my fingers crossed, hope for the best and wait. I wont overwhelm her.